A morning I woke carried off by the butterflies of the night before.
No toss nor turn
No dream
Perhaps for once reality was somewhere I wanted to be
Familiar and new faces bring comfort to me.
Just as the scent of coffee and sparks in the air light my soul.
No moment in this company is dull.
Just as the storm clouds roll in and darken the day. The sun always finds it way. Washed away is yesterday’s mourning. I am rejuvenated by the gift of blithely smiles that come as abundant as the still falling raindrops.
Not long ago the only drops were the tears of doubt. But this day I stand strong
This day I live gratefully
This day I trust the lessons my fates have laid out for me.
This day
Absolutely Everything Was Okay.
Aug 19, 2025
Aug 19, 2025 at 7:12 PM UTC
It’s coming
The time of year that I just seem to disappear
But it’s not that simple
It’s heavy
It’s suffocating
It’s uncomfortable
It’s persistent
It’s just something I can’t escape
I’m so tired
But I can’t sleep
When I do sleep
My dreams are so cruel
They keep me up
It’s that time of year that I’m reminded
That I always find myself in such a horrible place
But I desperately tell myself to just keep going
Just keep trying
It has to end at some point right?
It has too.
It does until it doesn’t.
I really wish someone could just wake me up
When September ends
Apr 28, 2023
Apr 28, 2023 at 2:04 AM UTC
I have started planning my death.
I have made my decision and I am starting to feel peace
I’ve never been able to make this decision because I have always been to afraid of messing up, or being in pain.
I have always been afraid of the act of it.
But it’s time.
I just have to do it.
It won’t be today
It won’t be tomorrow
In a few months maybe
I will pick a special day
I think I will fly somewhere beautiful
Find the tallest building
And step off.
I will write one letter to everyone and talk in detail why I have chose to do this and apologize.
Then I will have letters for everyone I love individually.
On my bed I will lay out all my paintings and things I want to give away to specific people.
I will label what needs to be done with all my possessions.
I will save as much money as I can and pay off as much debt as I can.
I will try to leave money for my mom.
I have a lot to do.
This is the first time I’m looking forward to anything in a very long time.
It’s almost time to go.
Jan 28, 2022
Jan 28, 2022 at 12:51 AM UTC
Everyone always tells me how strong I am
I have been through so much
I’m so wise beyond my years
Like it’s a good thing
The best thing you can be
But I don’t want that
I don’t want to be strong
That just means I’m in pain
I’m always in pain
In every way I can be
I’m so tired I don’t want this anymore
I don’t want to be here
I just want my best friend back
I just want a family
I just want to be healthy
I just really don’t ******* want to be here anymore
But I can’t bring myself to end it.
I just can’t
Dec 4, 2021
Dec 4, 2021 at 1:39 AM UTC
I always find myself
Awake
When everyone else is asleep.
I used to find it
Comforting.
Tonight I am finding it unbearably
Lonely.
Jun 10, 2021
Jun 10, 2021 at 4:31 AM UTC
Nightmares are like a trap
First you enjoy the details
The vividness
They play on your romantic side
But then
They turn into
A twisted reality
It happens slowly but fast all in the same
It’s too real to be real
The trap distorts further and further
Until you don’t know who you are anymore
Then you wake up
But it’s too late
Your left alone
Feeling alone but like there is some other presence over you
Your left
You can’t shake it
Can’t understand it
It just hurts
Apr 15, 2020
Apr 15, 2020 at 2:27 AM UTC
I’m left to wake with only thoughts
Of that kiss
Thoughts of that man
Thoughts of that night
I night filled with passionate conversation
So full bodied my voice is hoarse
Smile so big and so constant I wake
With sore cheeks
And excitement so pure
My hands still shake and my soul
Still flutters
Finally I feel something
I could cry with how happy I am
To feel love again
Is this love though?
Atleast the start of it?
Or is it just another trick
My brain is playing on me?
No matter
I have no space for that thinking right now
All I can think of is
His adorably round glasses
The curls in his hair
The sweet kind Adventure in his eyes
The shape of his lips
His subtle compliments that he slips in perfectly to make my soul flutter but not embarrass me too much.
The way he laughs at the things I mutter. The gentleman acts he displays.
Most of all that last moment we spent together
The first time I have ever kissed someone outside of a car on the first date that was warmed and sweet longer than it should and ******* hot. The way he held me the way is shoulders shoulders felt. His smell..
I’m ecstatic to explore that more but I don’t feel rushed too
Even if this ends in tragedy
I welcome it
I welcome it a thousand times
Because at-least then I know it is real
And I’m so grateful to be feeling this now
Jul 6, 2019
Jul 6, 2019 at 9:22 AM UTC
I think it’s funny
How sometimes we are so scared
To say I love you
But we are just as scared
To say I don’t love you anymore
I think I would rather feel the fear
Of my love being unrequited
Because if I was afraid
That would mean I would be so in love
That I could barely take it
But I feel like I am always stuck
With
I don’t love you anymore
Nothingness
Passionless
Left doing things I never thought I could do
I used to be scared to be alone
I used to think that I needed that support
But I don’t think I do anymore
The only time it hurts to be alone
Is when I wake from my nightmares
But they usually pass
I feel like I should stay away from everyone
I don’t know what I want
Even when I think I do I don’t
Even when I know I have no idea how to get it
No use in hurting others
But I still do
I crave flirtation and romance
I wish I could trick my brain
To be content with what I have
When everything is perfect and is everything I have been searching for
My heart falls out of love
Why do I believe that I will find the one
Why do I believe in true love
When I break every attempt at it
I just want to be in love and stay that way
Jun 8, 2019
Jun 8, 2019 at 3:23 PM UTC
I want to fall in love
I want to look at someone for the first time
And feel it all
I want to feel everything in your eyes so intensively that I can barely lock eyes with for more than a few seconds
I want to feel flutters and chills down my spine every time you say my name
I want to laugh so loud without a care in the world
I want to be scared to loose you
I want to love you so hard that I can’t help but cry every time I think of you
I want to a love that is worth risking everything for
I want a love where there isn’t a single doubt in my mind how I feel about you.
I just want to feel something so strongly that it could fill me with joy or snap my heart In half and shatter my whole world.
I want a love so heavy that I loose myself just to find myself all over again.
But I’m starting to feel like that’s not real.
Because once again a whole year Later...
I feel numb I feel nothing
Just an occasional flicker of companionship and comfort.
I feel like I am just repeating the same things I have been trying to escape from
But I don’t know how to change.
I don’t know what to do
I just want to be in love...
May 28, 2019
May 28, 2019 at 12:01 AM UTC
Why do I try so hard to be alone
In drunken moments like this
When majority of my sadness
Is caused by loneliness
Apr 13, 2019
Apr 13, 2019 at 12:35 AM UTC