jasmine-lee-burke
Hello my name is Jasmine. ~♥ / I enjoy drawing, playing guitar, writing songs, singing & photography...~♥ / My MBTI is INFP (•Introverted •Intuitive •Feeling & •Perceiving) / My Birthday is on November 10th 1995 ~♥ / My guitar idols are Carlos Santana, Al Dimeola, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Govi & more... / If it weren't for my dad I wouldn't have ever known about these musical legends. / I like listening to a wide variety of genres in music depending on my mood. ♪ / I'm quite shy at first but will be more friendlier once I get to know you better. / / ♪"Don't let it go, Don't turn your back on what you think you know, you never know..."♪ / -Santana ft Seal- Song: "You Are My Kind"
She never really thought of herself as a programmer
but found herself programming a boy on how to love her.
If she wanted him to smile, she would program him to smile.
If she wanted him to support her posts, she would program him to do so. If she wanted him to hug her, she would program him to do so. If she wanted him to ask her more questions, she would program him to do so. So on and so forth.
execute smile.exe execute support.exe execute hug.exe
execute questions.exe execute script.exe execute mirroring.exe execute routine.exe
It felt like she could program him to do just about anything.
This initially felt exhilarating. It gave her a spark of something within the unbearable numbness & lack of control she felt before she even got to meet this boy.
The only thing she couldn't program into him though was,
emotional instinct.
So even if she technically got him to do almost anything she ever wanted, all executed, & performed so perfectly on paper,
it all left her feeling empty because she couldn't get the very main things she wanted & needed the most.
To feel the warmth of being loved & chosen in a way that was no longer dependent on endless maintenance.
To feel chosen without having to script the moment first.
To feel emotionally held without having to manually guide the hands.
She realized that she could not get exactly that if every action executed was solely orchestrated by her every request & command.
She had thought & hoped to herself: "Maybe if I guide just enough… Maybe if I explain just enough… Maybe if enough correct behaviors accumulate… Eventually the warmth will become & feel instinctive on it's own.”
But that day never comes...
She slowly comes to the realization that emotionally engineered affection cannot replace instinctive emotional aliveness, no matter how perfectly all the desired behaviors are performed.
Despite her emotional emptiness, she found comfort in it as she thought it felt more safer, stable & predictable this way rather than having her requests denied, at least she still gets most of 99% of what she wanted done even if it was missing that 1%.
She slowly built an entire emotional survival system around predictability and behavioral control, only to realize it could never fully generate the thing she was truly starving for.
To be naturally desired without endlessly prompting, instructing & directing it into existence...
To finally see the boy's face light up whenever he saw her...
^That day never came either...
__________________________________________________________________
“She discovered too late that love can flawlessly perform without ever truly coming alive.
"She could not program natural desire into the boy.
Every request he fulfilled whether it was a smile or enthusiasm all felt forced & unnatural. Every action he made felt like it came from a place of fear, perfectionism, people pleasing & performance anxiety rather than a place of genuine desire to."
"Which goes to show that even communication & asking for what you want & need isn't always enough."
"They may adjust for you the way you want them to, but now you're left wondering, did they actually want to do this? Or is this being done out of obligation & compliance with no life nor spirit behind it?"
"There's this lingering wonder of dishonesty in their actions because your intuition keeps screaming that their spirit doesn't match what they are doing."
"When you ask them if they actually want to do what you asked of them, you fear that you will never fully get the truth out of them because they may just be saying what you want to hear to soothe their own people pleasing tendencies and fear of failure rather than it ever coming from a genuine natural urge and pull to do so."
"I want you to want to.
Not because I asked you to."
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 2:43 PM UTC
The new girl usually kept to herself,
chose to be alone,
A few would approach her but wouldn't get too far.
She did all she could to stay low key and unknown,
At least that's how it normally was from the start.
Dressed in her favorite attire of velvet, leather, burgandy and long black boots.
Secluding herself in her throne of never ending isolation at the corner of the room.
She only had one goal in mind,
one indecisive boy she was after,
So certain that he was the answer...
Longing and hoping for the hesitant boy with unclear intentions,
to realize he didn't need to fear the love she had for him, without question.
She stayed stuck, glued to her phone
Day after day,
As if her life solely depended on any interaction made.
Every moment she would replay.
He was fuel filling her heart with more than what she couldn't have ever began to imagine was real to ever possibly feel.
Even when what he gave her was nothing more than a few rare simple nothings.
She would do just about anything if it meant he would stay.
Even if it meant not telling him how she felt
In order to remain as close to him as possible in fear of being pushed away...
She loved staying in her own world,
But she couldn't stay in that world forever.
She inevitably had to return right back into reality and face what her situation was in front of her.
Afraid of her new surroundings she'd never interact,
Many people come and go as they always do,
Wondering when she could somehow ever adapt,
She realized she may have spoken too soon...
A girl with a gentle yet sad aura about her,
along with a sad pair of lifeless deadened eyes...
Only revealing that both were longing for something similar.
Just like the girl she found herself gravitating towards this time...
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 6:17 AM UTC
Hey.
Hi.
Hello?
Are you there?
Where'd you go?
Obligated,
To reply,
To those.
Do they truly care?
Well I don't know.
It's all in my mind,
Even if that is so,
I don't feel motivated,
To confide,
Nor to disclose...
Mar 24, 2016
Mar 24, 2016 at 4:57 AM UTC
Like Father Like daughter.
But she did not like her mother,
Nor did her father.
Nonetheless they had each other.
To her, he was her only friend,
Because he tried to make her days
a little more better.
On weekends she would be released from jail,
He was always the reason behind her bail.
Finally enjoying the taste of freedom,
Smiling and overjoyed, the pain was numbed.
Driving around in that small town,
Surviving from being bound down.
Those only moments she was ever happy,
Mostly Broken inside she wanted to flee.
Though little did she know,
That's how he felt also...
Mar 23, 2016
Mar 23, 2016 at 4:22 AM UTC
The girl who was never seen,
During school throughout her teens.
Lonely longing for a connection,
Only loving was her obsession.
Any show of slightest act of ordinary kindness,
Made her glow with brightness, distracting her with temporary blindness.
Overwhelmed and grateful,
Though deep down, she knew strong emotions like these can lead to feeling,
So compelled and painful...
Again being used to occurrences of blissful happiness,
In the end she sees disappearances, feeling fearful and never ending resentment.
Bliss only to last for what feels like a few minutes,
She's living in the past clinging to what she misses.
As she grew tired of this cycle and all,
She often knew prior before the final result.
not wanting to go through those days of watching those walk away anymore;
She did less talking,
irritated by their knocking, she ignores.
Thoughts filling her with doubt,
She closes the door shutting them out...
Mar 22, 2016
Mar 22, 2016 at 11:30 PM UTC
Everyday is the same,
Sitting here all alone,
While you play your God **** videogames.
I'm on my phone,
Each day while I wait,
Is anything ever gonna change?
We may not have much money,
but attention & communication doesn't cost a thing baby,
I only ask for your time, but I guess watching all those zombies dying from your shots is alot more entertaining.
Mar 21, 2016
Mar 21, 2016 at 5:05 AM UTC
I continue loving you from a distance,
That one chance you had, you missed it.
You lit the flame, I ignited it, so I'm the one who's to blame.
I let you in, tried to open you up, while knowing what I was getting involved in...
You cut me off when I needed you most, tried to warm your heart, when I saw you were cold,
we've grown so close became vulnerable.
"I should have known."
Now I'm here, with my heart strings bleeding , because you cut them by leaving.
Right when I needed...
I pleaded...
But you're cowardly conceited...
You're afraid of love,
I can see it in your eyes,
"Don't look away."
No need to masquerade,
I see it through your cold disguise,
"Please be brave."
I know you want it,
you're suppressing it like I.
A part of me already knew you would do something like this...
I didn't want to believe that it was true.
Why would you start pretending I never existed?
"Just like I predicted."
You dismissed it,
Instead of trying to fix this.
Mar 21, 2016
Mar 21, 2016 at 4:32 AM UTC
I hate waiting,
but I'm the one who's always late.
I hate talking to people,
yet I often have the most to say.
I hate being ignored,
but want others to go away.
I hate feeling neglected,
though I forget those around me by letting my thoughts lead me astray...
I hate clingy people,
yet I find myself obsessing over you everyday.
I hate it when others try to get close to me, however, I continue to dream of having the chance to be close to you;
wishing that you'd stay...
Mar 21, 2016
Mar 21, 2016 at 3:51 AM UTC