The quietness
My phone sits quietly on my lap. It doesn't ring or vibrate. All around me is quietness . No one talks, conversation doesn't float in the air. But my head. My head is so loud, filled with burning conversations I want to have with you.
I can't talk to you. We have plunged head first in to a dark, cold ocean full of silence. I am slowly drowning . The water has filled my lungs. It burns and I am gasping for air. My hands are frantically searching for you to save me. But through the dark, cold water, I see you swim away to safety.
You are saved by another hand that's dipped in to the water. She waits on the shore and is ready to save you. She doesn't know what I do. That you can't truly be saved, just like me. But you will pretend to be saved, while I, a more honest person. I will drown in honesty.
And here I sink, to die at the bottom of the sea. I die with all the lost hope and feelings I have for you. For I will die a thousand deaths every day, not being able to have you. While you breathe a thousand breaths and live another day .
Oct 24, 2016
Oct 24, 2016 at 12:48 PM UTC
I wanted him. Every single part of him, I wanted. To run my finger tips through his ever growing, fluffy beard. To stare in to his more than blue eyes. To peck his lips more than a thousand times through out the day. To feel his massive bear hands wrap around mine like a strong, protective blanket, making me feel like he had me and was never letting go.
I was born with no patience. No amount of waiting as a child gave me any. Telling me "have some patience " didn't teach me an ounce of it. But knowing him, loving him, wanting him.. it taught me how to have it. How to get use to that burning ache inside my chest, that rose with me first thing in the morning and stood with me throughout my day, before falling in to a dull slumber at night . I learned to live in the day dreams I had about him. I learned about lust, love and patience . The years past and every single emotion I had for this man grew, so deep I felt my body was not made of blood and DNA, but the roots that kept him so firmly grounded in my life .
13 years passed and still my patience grew. For not once had I had the chance to kiss him or touch him. And frustration was born and continued to grow like a child . And my mind began to speak words I never could quite cope with. And my hands bled from holding on to something I never truly wanted to let go of. But he, he never once held on to the hope I had. He let his die in a blazing fight. He washed his scorched hands in my salty tears and he took them steps to freedom, that I feared he would take.
And with that, the hope died. The lust and love remained. The patience felt wasted and abused, victimised and betrayed. Me, I felt an emptiness only the most broken could experience, for I had just wasted my heart on someone who never truly cared.
Oct 23, 2016
Oct 23, 2016 at 10:24 PM UTC
After 10 years it's finally over.
And I honestly don't know how to cope.
Your page say's your in a relationship.
Your profile picture is you and her.
I want it to be you and me.
I want it to say you are mine.
I want so many things,
But I don't know where to begin.
I am losing you.
The late night chats,
The skype sessions.
You blowing me kisses
And saying you love me.
I have lost it all and I don't know where to begin.
I want to cry,
Oh God how I want to just cry it out.
Every dream and hope smashed like glass.
I am left shattered in a million pieces
And where do I begin?
Cause I am losing you.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 1:22 PM UTC
Our relationship is one of many complications.
But even with these complications, I never let go.
I have loved you for far too long,
Put up with the moods,
You constantly being hot and cold.
I have waited,
Been honest and lied.
Covered up feelings and then stripped myself clean.
I have flirted and fought,
Added more to our complications.
And even though the years add on to our time,
Even thought I have never met you face to face,
Even thought this whole thing feels stupid,
The complications just fade.
They fade in to the dark and I still say,
Even the complications won't stop me,
Stop me from wanting you.
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 2:36 PM UTC
I am trying to give you space.
But don't you think there is enough distance between us?.
I am trying to give you time.
But don't you think 10 years has been enough?
I am trying not to love you.
But my heart won't give in and stop.
I am trying do to all the right things.
But I can't seem to let you go.
I messed up, I know my mistakes.
I am trying to tell you I am sorry.
But you won't listen to my words.
I am telling you I love you.
That I always have and always will.
This distance doesn't stop it.
It never has and never will.
Oct 19, 2014
Oct 19, 2014 at 1:43 PM UTC
You run back to him like nothing had happened,
You run back to "Daddy" and forget the tears and fights.
You betray us all, the one's who saved you.
You run back to him and I wonder do you even have a soul?.
I wonder why?
I wonder were you even my sister at all.
How can you do this to us?,
Bad mouth us, hurt us, betray us and run back to him.
Did you not see my scars?
Do you not remember is un -tasteful words?
Do you not remember the nights we cried in the dark,
While we suffered another one of his drunken blows?
He is not my "dad" you are not my "sister"
You are a Judas,
A traitor to us all.
Jul 16, 2014
Jul 16, 2014 at 9:15 AM UTC
Our relationship is far from normal,
Two and a half years of mood swings
I sometimes wonder are you a woman instead of a man.
One minute I want you,
The next I am infuriated by your actions.
These mood swings of yours give me whip lash.
So I have three little words for you
Go ***** Yourself
I have had enough.
Jul 7, 2014
Jul 7, 2014 at 12:03 PM UTC
I saw a young couple today,
They were cuddling in the park.
Looking at them hurt,
It reminded me of how we use to be.
So young and in love,
A modern day Romeo & Juliet.
Seeing them reminded me of why I was walking in the park,
The fight that caused me to flee for space and air.
Darling don't you see how much he hurt me,
How he scared my heart, but still you defend him
And this hurts me so.
We use to laugh all the time,
Cuddle like the young couple in the park.
Now our laughs are taken by shouting,
And as I walk in this park I wonder...
Have we reached the final scene?
Where true love dies
And I wonder will I die with it.
Jun 11, 2014
Jun 11, 2014 at 6:27 PM UTC
The memories of ours flooded my head when I got the call.
That word "Heart attack" rang in my ears.
The fear that hit smothered me,
making it impossible to breathe.
I imagined you dead,
Thinking how can this be.
The fear killing me,
breaking me and putting me on my knee's.
Those salty tears blinded me
and I fought to breathe.
"He is alive" was said to me,
but death still rung in my ears.
I was trusted back in to my childhood,
A little girl depending on her Daddy.
And as I stare at you lying in the hospital bed,
Alive, breathing, blood in your heart.
I remember how much you mean to me.
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 5:34 PM UTC
I use visit you every once in a while.
I don't know why, but it always seemed to rain.
Does it rain because graveyard are places where you feel the most pain?
Is the rain the tears of our loved ones who's faces we can't see no more.
It has been a while since I visited your grave.
I will use excuses and tell you life got in the way.
But if I am honest,which I should be with you.
My tears got in the way.
I hate standing there.
Looking at a piece of stone,
Your name etched in gold.
The year you were born, the year you died.
A constant reminder you are no longer living by my side.
It's hard.
I talk to you, whisper a silent prayer for you.
No idea why, this prayer won't bring me comfort any more.
So, I won't stand and cry at your grave no more.
Because, praying and crying is just to hard to bare any more
Feb 6, 2014
Feb 6, 2014 at 5:26 PM UTC