Caffeine, nicotine, and you.
Three things that make me happy.
Three things that give me chills.
Three things that I hate.
Three things that I want to destroy.
Three things that won’t stop hurting me.
Three things that I can’t live without.
Three things that I laugh with.
Three things that keep me sane.
Three things that push me to close to the edge.
Three things that pull me close where it’s warm.
Three things that make everything else seem alright.
Three things that wreak havoc to my psyche.
Three things that always listen.
Three things that always leave.
Three things that define me.
Caffeine, nicotine, and you.
But I must quit you.
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:26 PM UTC
Every single moment she's telling me something.
With a shift of her weight that makes the leather under her sigh,
With a tilt of her head that better allows me to see the variations of green in her eyes,
With a shake of her glass that sends ice tumbling into what remains of a caramel colored drink,
With an adjustment of her skirt to hide (or draw attention to) her endless legs,
With the cool confident way she talks which isn't much like talking but more like dancing with words,
With the slow definite way she takes a drag from the Marlboro draped effortlessly in her hand as she sits under a sign reading "no fume",
With the way she responds to my "smoking kills" comment by saying she finds comfort in death,
With the amused, not annoyed, smirk I get when she catches my eyes travel from her face toward her pristine cleavage.
Every single moment she's telling me something. But what?
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:18 PM UTC
the mortgage is late
the electric bill’s due
all i can do is keep breathing
she didn’t take her pill
the waiting is gonna **** me
all i can do is keep breathing
with or without her
weighing pros and cons
all i can do is keep breathing
but the breathing gets harder
it gets shallower, less satisfying
the cigarettes are catching up
and the air won’t taste the same
all i can do is keep breathing
until you can’t
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:16 PM UTC
she's running toward me.
full on. not stopping. this is it.
the kiss to end all kisses.
***** "the titanic".
***** "the notebook".
we're the real deal.
should I run to meet her? should I stay and let her come to me? wow, I have a lot of responsibility in this.
she's getting closer.
god, I missed her.
I hate space. we didn't need space. I just need to get to her. hold her. that would make this moment perfect.
that and rain. rain would help. make this seem more cinematic.
I digress.
BAM.
she's here. in my arms. en mi brazos.
warm to touch. sweet to smell.
her face is buried in my chest. she's breathing heavy, trying to inhale me.
we stand still, filing these moments in our minds.
she lifts her head and looks in me.
her eyelids are red and puffy, remnants of tears linger. but her eyes are deep. clear, blue, and deep.
I know what she's thinking.
she's thinking what I’m thinking.
fireworks. explosions. BOOM! impact.
she's is summarizing her entire speech into this one action.
her "I’m sorry”‘s.
her "I missed you”‘s.
especially her "I love you”‘s.
all summarized in one pleasant forceful kiss.
this kiss feels amazing yet it feels new.
this kiss isn't a "we should have sex/peer pressure" kiss where both our minds are elsewhere.
nor is it "hello/goodbye" peck.
this kiss is real. it has passion and fire. It is deep and selfless. It’s an expression not a formality.
don't get me wrong; it's not a gross sloppy "get a room" kiss. there is no groping or petting, heavy or otherwise.
it is indescribable.
it feels like it lasts second and years at the same time.
it is so good yet bad because I know I will never feel that without having to feel great pain first.
losing her, even if it was only for a small period of time, was unbearable.
when she eventually did pull away I tried to think of something appropriate and clever.
I thought and though and then, "I love you" came out.
that’s it? that’s all I could come up with? I could do better.
but then I realized.
I couldn't.
there was nothing better.
I loved her more than I could put into any other words.
yeah I ripped off a Natasha Beddingfeild song but it was true.
I couldn't think of anything catchy or witty.
just I love you.
simple and easy and most of all, true.
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:14 PM UTC
She makes the call wondering if its their last
He answers overwhelmed with hopeful possibilities
She lets him in pointing him toward her room
He walks buzzing with anxiety and excitement
She closes the door nervous, trying to hide it
He sits on her bed staring at her with as loving a gaze as he could muster
She sits next to him but not to close
He readies his story, irons out the points he wants to make
She tries not to drown in the silence
He struggles with his words, fighting to fit them into logical sentences.
She looks away ready to ask him to leave
He says, “I love you. Can’t that be enough?”
She looks back at him wondering how it got to this place
He places his hand on her shoulder
She sits and focuses on his hand, this physical connection
He almost wishes he never said it, almost
She says, “Why did you come here if that’s all you were gonna say?”
He almost answers but stops and thinks about it
She rises frustrated with his lack of response
He says, “Because it’s the truth.”
She replies with a quick, “What?”
He says, “I love you and that’s all that matters.”
She stares, stunned at his definite tone and eloquent words
He stands a few inches taller all the while without taking his eyes off of her
She shutters feeling his heartbeat in their close proximity
He doesn’t touch her but they are close enough to sync their breathing
She almost pulls away but his magnetism keeps her from doing anything
He drags his fingers up her arm and caresses her face
She finally moves and holds his hand to her face, taking in his scent
He rests his head on hers and presses his face into her hair surrounding himself with her.
They kiss.
They forgive.
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:08 PM UTC
waiting for you to notice
waiting for you to change
waiting for you to stop
waiting for you to go
waiting for you to wonder
waiting for you to care
waiting for you to say it
waiting for you to stand up
waiting for you to move
waiting for you to understand
waiting for you to let go
waiting for you to hold tighter
waiting for you to run away
waiting for you to finally cry
waiting for you to break down
waiting for you to smile
waiting for you to come around
waiting for you to decide
waiting for you to get out of the car
waiting for you to wrap around a tree
waiting for you to sit down
waiting for you to throw it out the window
waiting for you to lay it out on the table
waiting for you to move away
waiting for you to get another drink
waiting for you to fall to pieces
waiting for you to brush yourself off
waiting for you to be a victim of love
waiting for you to come home
waiting for you to grab my hand
waiting for you to stare me down
waiting for you to turn your back
waiting for the comfortable silence
waiting for the final blow
waiting for your pledge of devotion
waiting for your crossed fingers
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:08 PM UTC
I still walk with my religion
As I walk away from you
I still walk away with my religion
despite you
despite the waves of your oceanic body splashing on my world
despite that twitch you get, wired on anger and ready to blow
despite the same bolt that travels my spine at the thought of you in pain
despite the bittersweet way your voice sings as you yell blasphemies
despite the phantom burn i get after our lips part
despite the feeling of my hands climbing up your legs, straight and high
despite the confused grip of your body on mine with aggressive nails
despite the way my mind seeks out air away from yours
despite the smeared plastic of your cup hurled with lust and fear
despite my minds eye finding every possible lucy in my sky with diamonds
despite the fire searing in my blood as he finds you from afar
despite the way you sometimes refuse to turn me on and I instead just turn
despite the way you think your bigger than Jesus, bigger than cigarettes
despite the way I can never shake my feelings of aloneness
despite my churning gut when your promises always fall through like a polar bear on ice
despite all the visions I have of our wrinkled hands interlocked
despite the rose colored glasses your presence always generates
despite the suicidal eyes as I bluff, turning the ****
because you always question the one true most basic feeling I have all confidence in
all I can say,
“I love you.
Don’t ever ******* question that.”
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:07 PM UTC
The smoke hits the back of my throat hard.
The usually THC tinged blood coursing through my veins normally prevents this.
Usually, it hits smooth, like water against glass.
Now it is hard and hits like sandpaper upon sandpaper.
I learn to like the pain and seek it.
I come to know it.
You say, “Promise not to promise anymore.”
I say, “I will take the chain off the door.”
She walks away
Saying what she always says
In vain
But
She walks away
Saying what she always says
In Vain
Like always
The smoke that comes from the fire that comes from the pocket
And it doesn’t hurt
I walk too
The smoke feels smooth as my feet against this pavement
I miss the hurt, the familiar hurt
So I decided to seek it
I find you
You my love are not gone
I say, “I’ll never say, I’ll never love again.”
You say, “You don’t say a lot of things.”
I press my body on her
And kiss her where mind meets body
Like never
But
I press my body on her like
And kiss her where mind meets body
Like never
She places her arm length between us
Turns her head away quickly
She says, “My bones are shifting in my skin.
And you my love are gone.”
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:06 PM UTC
The drink is a trap
Your light kiss is a tease
You are not attractive
You are not attractive
I say to myself
I snap out of it
And snap back in again
Your body doesn’t do it for me
Your words don’t travel far
You look like you need a compliment
You seek them like a fish in a little tank
swimming to the surface for food
I pinch myself not to wake up but to
black out
My face is red
I know what’s happening
I may have lost control but I hover above
watching
My body does the talking and says the right things to the wrong person
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:05 PM UTC
Your blind eyes hurt
The sparkle in mine does not reflect
You say any and everything simply
My words are loaded, ripe with secret meanings
You flirt
I sabotage
Since forever you have needed me
And I, you, in very different ways
So for the rest of time
We are trapped in this dance
And then we stop
And we stare
I have that one moment
When the sparkle is there
I see your mind comprehend those loaded words
And suddenly we need each other in the same ways
Then everything starts moving again
And I’m back where I started
Your hurtful eyes
and mine, sparkling
Oct 31, 2010
Oct 31, 2010 at 3:04 PM UTC