Is this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******** and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you...
I love you
Oct 14, 2016
Oct 14, 2016 at 9:20 AM UTC
If you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and **** so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to blow me off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you???
I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. **** you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that god **** blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago...
There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some ******** I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less
Oh **** I forgot one of the biggest things ken told me, That YOU WERE WITH SOME CHICK! And that's one of the things you swore you'd always be honest about, that you prided yourself on not be a cheater or scumbag like that of any kind.. And I believed you.. Even of my moments of severe paranoia jealous and worry, I believed deep down that's not the kinda guy you were and you'd never want to hurt someone the way you were hurt like that.. And when he told me that, that's what convinced me to go down there and waste money and have to deal with him even though I can't ****** stand him. He said you'd just been there with her talking **** about me and I thought, maybe they're still there and I can see with my own eyes, or maybe when I see ken in person I'll know he's lying.. But I didn't get a chance because he stole my money and ran.. Then said you told him to do it with the one response I managed to get. All that was like being punched in the gut repeatedly and I got to walk through kp crying while drug dealers asked if I ****** **** How true it is when you say I'm so gullible and naive. I feel so stupid like such a huge horrible joke.
Oct 14, 2016
Oct 14, 2016 at 4:25 AM UTC
Sometimes the heart breaks in funny ways
It doesn't shatter completely but a piece breaks off that you needed
That you counted on to feel happy or content or full
And once it breaks off, and you see it slowly fall, all you can do is shake your head in disbelief and wipe away those silent steady tears
Whatever happened
Whatever made it split and fall to pieces at your feet is something you didn't expect
Something you refused to believe could happen
Trust starts to crumble
Doubts flood your mind
And it's so confusing because your hearts not totally broken
But you're not sure if you can keep living the same way without that piece
Thoughts you've never had enter your mind
Obvious answers plague you
Would it just be better if it broke into so many pieces I couldn't even remember the one that's hurting so badly right now?
Or is there a chance it can be mended back, and even if just put back together with a band aid the wound will start to heal?
Is it worth the risk? To step over it and try to find a way to put it back together?
Or should I stare at the broken piece until I let the rest of my heart understand exactly just what that means...
The heart breaks in funny ways
But I don't hear any laughter
I don't hear anything at all...
Oct 9, 2016
Oct 9, 2016 at 10:38 PM UTC
If I were to lay down here
So quietly that the silence became deafening
That the cold became freezing
The hunger became starving
The air became thin...
Would you just let me lay here until the end?
Jun 22, 2015
Jun 22, 2015 at 5:46 PM UTC
I don't understand my life
According to the quote "rock bottom"
I've hit it
But I don't feel the bottom under my feet
I'm still falling
And I grasp for any ledge I can as I fall
But they crumble as soon as my feet touch
Or I kick my feet from underneath me because I'm only comfortable during chaos
As if the excitement of falling is what I seek
It doesn't make any sense to me
And no matter how hard I try to stand, my legs wobble and I slip
I'm not satisfied with my life
But, I don't know how to change
So I guess I'll just keep falling
And falling
Wondering what lies beneath
May 21, 2015
May 21, 2015 at 9:00 PM UTC
It's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta
The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away.
I don't even want to walk away
I get choked up just at the thought of you finally believing me when I tell you "I'm done."
We play tug of war with each other
Constantly pushing the other well past their limits knowingly and neither one of us knows what we're gonna do when one of us finally gives.
This conversation we've had a 1000 times but we never come to a solution
Do you obsess over this like I do?
Am I just going crazy with all this? Tell me if I'm reading into things that aren't there? Am I hearing words that you aren't saying? Or twisting the ones that you are saying?
****** why do you just shrug with a blank stare?
Are you just tolerating all this?? Am I falling and falling into purgatory?
Oh my god, here I go again! 3:11am and I am wondering and hoping if that blocked missed call was you.. Chewing on my finger nails hoping you'll or whoever will call back.. Curiosity is a ***** Constant questions make me feel insane. Do you think I'm insane? Are you just as crazy? Or are you just as attached as I am but can hide it like a champ??
I'm not even tired but I'm talking to myself.. Having a conversation alone trying to answer for you. No answer ever really satisfies me because good or bad I argue it and try to disprove it..
Oh, do I ever need to back off and fall back.. Fall quietly back so you won't notice enough to a argue with me to stop. You always say stop. Just stop. Stop what?
Stop what???
Apr 11, 2015
Apr 11, 2015 at 3:16 AM UTC
There's a unique struggle when you're breaking down inside but, you force yourself to look at your face in the mirror
Tear rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks and trembling lips
The hatred you have inside makes you feel as if you're on fire and you turn the cold water on, but just let it run
You're screaming in your mind
"Don't you cry!"
"Don't you dare fall apart like you always do!"
"I can't pick up the pieces anymore... I don't believe in you anymore..."
Your lips stop trembling for a moment
You're not burning anymore, you've gone ice cold as those last words echo in your head.. You continue to stare at yourself and slowly start to lose your breath
It's not the hardest thing in the world to face yourself as you say "I don't believe in you anymore."
That heartbroken look on your face is something you've grown accustom to
What's hard.. Where the unique struggle comes in, is when you turn away from the mirror and head to the other room
Voices of words you can't make out fill the halls as you get closer
You reach the end of the hall and you try not to blankly stare
Not to flinch, tremble or even breath above a whisper
Eyes lingering at you from every direction, no escaping
You know what it's like to stare into your own lifeless eyes, and feel nothing as everything inside of you rots
But the really hard part..
The part that'll never get easier...
Is meeting the gazes of people who no longer believe in you
That's where the struggle begins
Because you know you've given up.. But they won't come out and tell you they no longer have hope for you either.And behind their comforting words, you know they're hollow
They look through you, not at you
Because you're just a shadow of who you used to be
That's when you have to find whatever strength you have left
Even so microscopic and cling onto it for dear life and hold on...
Until the rooms are silent and empty
The mirrors are shattered on the floor
And there's no one left to see..
Nothing left for you to be able to see..
The unique struggle is over
You can let go and crumple lifelessly on the floor and just fall apart
Alone, with no eyes anywhere to watch...
Someone... Please... I'm falling apart....
Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 9:32 PM UTC
Midnight again
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
I'm alone
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And another
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....
Mar 22, 2015
Mar 22, 2015 at 10:03 AM UTC
Most of the time I fear I'm just a fool for you
And that you are my favorite
And maybe I'm just your favorite doll
You can play with me whenever you want, then put me on the shelf to collect dust because you know I'll be right here when you want me again
Sometimes it's hours
Sometimes it's weeks
But on the shelf I sit, eagerly waiting for you return
Nothing brightens me up more then when you come back
Even when you make me angry I want you around
I want you around even when you make me sad
And the only sense of that I can make is that I am more miserable without you
And there are times that you never put me back on the shelf
You make me feel so needed
You play with my hair and ask me about my day
You let me be myself
Even when I'm not so pretty
And it's all so overwhelming, how could I ever walk away?
How could the restless moments waiting for you overrule all those moments of happiness?
All your words can't be lies
All your feelings can't be fake
So why do you always leave?
Why do you always have to find another doll?
And why does she seem to get the better parts of you, when I accept all the worst parts of you?
Even on the days I sit lifeless, tears silently falling down my cheeks
Why am I not enough?
What more could I give to be enough?
The only doll you want around?
I know when you go, you're always going to come back
But, it's getting harder to always bare a smile when there's so much hurt inside
I can't walk away
I've tried
I don't want to be the one who always sits on this shelf
I want to mean more
I want you to feel a pang from my absence
I want what I want to matter
I want this shelf to burn down into the ground
So when the smoke clears you realize you don't have anywhere to just leave me
That maybe I never belonged on the shelf in the first place
I want you to see, I'm the doll worth keeping
I want to see I'm not just your fool
Playing a part that'll never just be mine
Or I need you to just say what I dread
That I am just your favorite fool
And a place on your shelf is all I'm ever going to have
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 12:06 AM UTC
Thoughts of you plunge through my veins
Before I know it, I'm on my knees in crippling pain
Like always, I'm alone but surrounded by thoughts of you
My mind races and there's nothing I can do
Why am I a slave for you?
You crack the whip and there's nothing I won't do
I just want your attention
Your affection
It comes so rarely
I'm like a drug addict craving my next fix
And there's no drug as sweet as a taste if you
You have this power over me that I can't explain
Even when I say no, I won't keep my word for long
You never keep your word for long either
The difference is when I breakdown you get what you want
You always win
And I lay here trapped
What more could I do?
Rip my heart out of my chest and hand it to you?
So you could physically feel it beating rapidly and frantically for you?
Would it matter?
Would it change a thing?
Then if you could feel what these games do to me, would you change?
Could you change?
I just want a chance to come first
I want you to live up to the pretty words you tell me to convince me not to leave
That being crippled by you is worth it because I have a hold on your heart too
That all this pain and confusion is worth something
Or would you just stand there, my heart rapidly beating in your hands and completely exposed
Would you just smile as you toss it back and forth with your greedy hands?
Laughing it off as I start to wilt each time you carelessly throw it in the air
I crumble with regret because there was nothing I could do to make my heart matter to you
I press my head on the cold floor and let my eyes shut
If you're gonna have my heart one way or the other, I might as well let my feelings bleed out
And lay here until there's nothing left
My veins run cold
I go numb
The high you gave me does nothing now
I still see you dangling my aching heart in my face
Clueless to what you've done
But for the first time, I feel nothing
Just nothing
My heart may be in your hands
But it's empty
You might start to feel your loss of power as it starts to shrivel in your hands
And I'll lay very still, but peacefully on that cold floor
You may have my heart in your hands
But it died
And I finally feel nothing
Mar 17, 2015
Mar 17, 2015 at 1:55 AM UTC