I hate the way I think about you constantly
Even when I shouldn’t.
I hate it when you don’t text back
Even when I know you’re busy.
I hate the way your smile lights my soul
Even when you aren’t here.
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate the way you’re not around
Even when you can’t be found.
I hate it when you hid you feelings
Even when you’ve already showed me a glimpse.
I hate the way I act right now
Even when I should stand my ground.
I hate the way I despise you
Even when I am falling for you deeply.
Apr 8, 2023
Apr 8, 2023 at 1:06 PM UTC
You were constantly telling me I was sunshine and roses when I am obviously orchids and moonlight.
The way you held me, caressed my body, said my name…
They were pleasant enough but never filled the void in my soul.
You spoon fed me lies and wrapped me in a warm blanket enveloped with deception.
You cared for me up to your standards but never asked me mine.
Your words enraptured my thoughts and buried doubt into my brain.
You said you couldn’t live without me .
You told me you loved me.
That I was perfect for you.
We moved boxes and made a home.
Our possessions and limbs intertwined like lovers in the night.
We were blended.
But like water and oil we drifted, we separated.
You wanted me to change…
Not something as simple as to stop smacking my lips as I ate or to watch my intake of wine.
You wanted me to change core beliefs.
Wanted me to believe in a man in the sky who lets children starve, women get abused, and men to die.
Meanwhile my taro cards and crystals are charging in the moonlight as star dust dances upon my skin.
You were constantly telling me I was sunshine and roses when I am orchids and moonlight.
I am the universe wrapped into a humans body.
I am love.
I am acceptance.
I am all encompassing kindness.
You took it for granted and want it back.
I know who I am while you are searching for yourself.
You are wanting others to change to better your life.
When you should be accepting people you turn them away.
You took a piece of my heart… for it was yours.
But you just took a portion. Not the whole.
Mar 9, 2023
Mar 9, 2023 at 7:37 PM UTC
Spinning, gninnips, spinning, gninnips, spinning….
The world keeps spinning…
Out
Of
Control
While I am standing
STILL.
Mar 8, 2023
Mar 8, 2023 at 8:49 PM UTC
Some people
Cut you
Just to
Watch you bleed…
So why
Can’t bandaids
Fix
Bullet holes?
They are
All you
Leave behind.
Now I
Know…
Mar 8, 2023
Mar 8, 2023 at 8:44 PM UTC
I used to think the moon followed me everywhere I went.
Like a beacon of light guiding me to where I needed to be.
Now as I sit in this car looking a the man in the moon asking,
Where to next?
Dec 1, 2017
Dec 1, 2017 at 7:00 PM UTC
That weekend was unlike anything else.
The music.
The sights.
The touches.
The laughter.
The feeling.
My lips still tremble at the thought of yours pressed against mine.
They stretch in a smile when I think about oatmeal now.
They burn when I think about your skin.
My hands trace this keyboard like they are tracing your skin; lightly and hungry.
They tingle when I think about your hands in mine.
They crave for more. More.
My eyes search for yours in the night, to see your peaceful face.
They roam the skies looking for a glimmer of you.
They gaze into the future in hopes you'll still be there.
That weekend was unlike any other. I cant wait for many more with you...
but now I wait and long for you, yet I feel like I am the only one yearning for the other...
still uncertain of your feelings but I know mine and that gives me hope.
Nov 10, 2017
Nov 10, 2017 at 4:38 PM UTC
As it came for me to leave this place,
All I could think about was your loving embrace,
You were growing further and further apart,
Shattering my heart,
So I decided to put my love on the line,
But I guess I was out of time,
I left and you stayed never knowing how I felt,
How you made me melt,
So I wrote a letter,
I should have known better,
Yet I wrote that letter and hit send,
Hoping that my heart could mend,
You left me questioning,
Everything unanswered,
Always wondering how you felt,
Never knowing the possibility of us.
Jan 5, 2017
Jan 5, 2017 at 10:59 PM UTC
Before I met you “love” was just a word to me. A word filled with false hope and lies. I was never the little girl that prayed every night for her perfect prince to come along. Even at a young age I knew better than to believe that there was such a thing as a “perfect” prince. In middle school, I gagged over the romantic movies that my friends were constantly obsessing over because I knew that I didn’t need anyone but myself and that a love like those in the movies just didn’t exist. In high school, I began to convince myself that I didn’t need anyone but myself and my family. And then you happened.
Somewhere in between the chaos that’s called my life, fate brought me to you. I fell in love with the fact that you were far, far, from perfect yet in my eyes you came pretty **** near close. There was something about your flaws that fit so perfectly with mine and I fell in love with all the things that you hated about yourself. And just like that, my opinion of love and how I should live my life changed.
This is the part of the letter where I pour my heart out and try to explain how I feel and what your love means to me. I keep finding myself writing a few words and then deleting them over and over again. I now realize that love simply cannot be explained. It’s so much more complex than that. But then again what in life isn’t more complex than what we think. Hell, even the smartest group of chemists and philosophers cannot explain what I feel. I can sit here and try, yet I would never be able to accurately describe the butterflies I get when I’m with you or how time seems to slow when you’re not. How my heart races at the mention of your name or the way I hate to say I love you when I know you don’t love me the same.
Back then love used to be such a blurry concept, and now it’s the only thing in this crazy world that makes since. You make me crave something that I didn’t believe actually existed. And suddenly every song was about you. I couldn’t escape the through of you no matter where I went. I heard you in the wind, on the radio, in the rustling of the leaves, and in between the gasps of my breath. Honestly you’re still not a perfect man or a prince, but your something better than that; you’re real. Perfectly imperfect in all the right ways. So thank you for changing my views on the world, for understanding my flaws, and for being the only person who can send me to new levels of utter happiness.
When I speak to my future daughter about the one that got away I’ll immediately think of you. You are the man I will be talking about when I am 80 years old. They boy with stars for eyes and the devilish smile. She will ask me why I never married you and I will tell her that I never had the courage to admit my feelings for you because I was afraid that in your eyes I was just your kid sister. I will tell her no one has ever intimidated me as much as you did and that the more I fell for you the more steps backwards I took. Till eventually I had lost you. You are the man I will tell her about when I encourage her to go all out for her love and tell the boy she loves how she feels before it’s too late. To wear her heart on her sleeve because life is too short to be scared of her feelings. You are the man who has always been everything I ever wanted and needed when I did not know what I needed. You are the man I will forever carry in my heart and soul.
But I don’t want to always be wondering “what if…” 10 years down the road. All I know is I am here and this is now and I’d rather give it a shot and tell you my heart now than to sit and think wistfully about this moment when I am 80 years old like I stated above. So finally after five crazy years here it is, I love you, and I think a part of me always will.
The song Not In That Way by Sam Smith explains what I cannot.
Thank you for being my friend, my person to turn to, my first love. I am leaving but I couldn’t leave without finally getting it all out there. Now I can finally be free and live my life.
Sep 6, 2016
Sep 6, 2016 at 1:40 PM UTC
They all think wrong.
They think that men fall at my feet,
That they gravel for my attention,
That men fight over me,
That boys would die for me.
They all think wrong.
Because in reality I'm intimidating
Because I'm weird
Because I won't let them have that one thing
Because I am a lady
Because I love him and he sees me as a kid sister
Because I have flaws
Because I am not worthy
Because I am not beautiful
They all think wrong.
They don't fall at my feet,
They don't gravel for my attention,
They don't fight over me,
They wouldn't ever die for me
I'M REPULSIVE TO THEM APPARENTLY
I'M THE PLAGUE
NO ONE WANTS ME
I AM ALONE
I AM UNLOVABLE
I AM NOT WORTHY
NO ONE LOVES ME
I AM NOT ABLE TO LOVE
Dec 13, 2015
Dec 13, 2015 at 11:37 PM UTC
Do not ensconce from affection nor be cynical about love.
Open your mind to endless possibilities and wonders
Forgive, not just yourself but him as well.
Pause the memories and take still frames in your mind because you never know when you will get the chance again.
Become vulnerable and wear your heart on your sleeve.
Be the person you know you are and prove all of them wrong.
It's okay to mess up but only if you learn from it.
Remember that you are still two, four, six, eight, and all the years in between.
Know that you have a spark that need to be spread to all you meet.
Remind yourself that one day your prince will come.
Know that love doesn't always last forever and that people change.
Strive for high ideals.
Humanity is still alive.
Not everything is evil and dark.
The universe will unfold as it should.
Fate and destiny are by your side.
Travel and learn from the earth.
Keep peace in your mind and soul.
You are made of star dust and belong.
Look back on this life and smile because you decided to live it.
Live a life that causes your soul to dance inside your body.
Dance even when people are looking.
Smile.
Don't be delicate be vast and brilliant.
Everything happens for a reason.
Look for the light in people and treat them as if that's all you see.
Live like you will never be forgotten.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Dec 1, 2015
Dec 1, 2015 at 4:16 PM UTC