Many times, sometimes only once every so often,
I’m burned alive.
The crackles of the fire soothe me.
So that I can carry this glob of pink matter around,
I leap from the tallest tower,
grab onto the slippery side, and descend
like a ball of paper across the room.
When I feel this way,
I want to punish the way my mind hurts me.
While everyone carries themselves with pride,
I walk alone. The pain of being an outsider,
the pain of losing the one focus
you once had, is silently deadly.
In those moments,
the room feels empty. The pain glides along
and I’m carried off by my toes
and thrown in the pit of despair.
Aug 31, 2018
Aug 31, 2018 at 1:30 PM UTC
As if I could ever understand pain
I carry symptoms truncated at the head
Their blue feverish reminders never dead
Emotions of your bright autumn nights
Replay in my head like no other
I lost you, my best friend, my lover
Truth blossoms like a ****** rose
My stomach curdles when I find
A love that was not dead but blind
Bludgeon me across the face
So that I may awaken in delight
Finding you in the twilight
If I can't face the mirror anymore
And my gold paper skin turns fair
I will know that our love was rare
Aug 8, 2018
Aug 8, 2018 at 10:29 PM UTC
Hushed, a little baby in the reigns of love
I lengthen my spine to match your pride
My hair carries the weight of your lies
And as I swing it back and forth
I find that I was once yours
But the inane price of sacrifice is scarce
So my bones become stale and weak
Loving the ways I find you in spaces
Drinking my water
Resting my eyes on beautiful guys
I feel like a squatter
I loved while it was sane
So much for love in all its pain
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 11:38 PM UTC
Just as soon as the emotion comes in
The emotion has vanished from my ten fingers
Those god awful tweakers have failed me again
Like a mouse on speed, I’m running into the streets
As I revel across the kitchen floor
Socks drenched in dirt and adolescence
I find that the only true time I’m happy
Is staring at the screen in my mind
Watching life whisper in my ears
Veins pop out like a loud mouth
I dream of two dozen men
Walking a tightrope toward me
And I only find that none of them
Have made it, they only fell
Down to another who loves them so
And just like that, I’m walking it too
May 25, 2018
May 25, 2018 at 8:15 AM UTC
Who are you in the morning
The one who lifts the feet off your child
And vise grips the broken, bludgeons the weak
You no longer make me shiver in fright
I see through your cowardice with shame
That a young boy would fall to his knees
At the noise of a dog with no bone to chew
Cradled by the nape and dug into the heels of
A story not ever cared of being mentioned
I’m the one to lose and sulk my days away
But you, whose words are lackluster and feeble
Carry the weight of two
That know so little to their own good
Dry as the scab from which you inflicted
I am born to be the delight of all good
The Atlas that carries the weight of your mistakes
And when all is said and done
The night will weave into my body
Making the brain addled boy
Dream a good little dream
May 8, 2018
May 8, 2018 at 4:35 AM UTC
Before I came home that night
I knew that I’d be back to you
Like the perfect hue of blue
And like a madman
I wished you were
As sad as me
The truth flew into the winds
And whispered to me softly
I’ll see you in a few
The drinks told me you were gone
The **** told me you didn’t exist
The sadness told me I missed you
And my legs never felt more weak
Than when I carried myself
Toward the ledge of my sanity
Loving myself in the shackles
Of constant pressure
Remember that day in October
Like the moon walked us home
But our feet were on fire
Yet our hands were the water
And the glands that said
Hello to our profuse sweating
The smile faded
And the king was a king no more
What happened to peace
Was now a curse
May 8, 2018
May 8, 2018 at 4:03 AM UTC
one two three times i said i'd stop
one more time i give in to the talk
you say my eyes are a saccharine delight
when all i see is eyes not deserving
of a man with this many issues
i know that all this talk about your past
must be exhausting but you call me
and tell me how everyone wastes your time
i **** myself with my own thoughts
glide off the earth like i'm one less leap
from a perfect reason to be happy
why am i only ever able to sleep
when i realize that the real monsters
aren't under my bed anymore
but right in my cranium, making a home
and scaring the living **** out of me
when i crawl back into darkness
is when you leave me the most vulnerable
this habit is a venereal curse
i am clogged up with unwanted urges
and emptied of the strength i need
and when i want to be smothered with love
i come back to the one place i know best
and repeat the cycle of torture
we all call the great big search for happiness
but there's no happiness
in a temporary love
you see, i want what's best for me,
yet i scream when i think of someone
even putting up with this disastrous tempest
i loved once and almost drowned
so pardon me if the water feels cold
i'll just as soon drown myself again
if i don't slow the **** down
and find the time to breathe
it's been much too fast lately
that when i take the time to look
i am terrified and praying for safety
but as i glide off the earth and the moon
the stars blast me with a supernova
and suddenly my prayers are answered
that's the day i wait for every night
because if i lose myself
i lose the stars, the cosmic journey, the hands
of a person with the answers and the control
of a vulnerable miserable old soul
because i'd like to think that this hell i'm in
is to lead me to a place of bliss
but these days scare me
and i'm too cold to be warm
too broken to be fixed
too troubled to be calm
sadness, they say, is a *****
but i embrace it with stride
fall asleep to the sounds of no one
i'm too afraid to be filled with pride
my prescription was ready, they said
came earlier than i had thought
so i left home with my coat
started the car in the cold
entered the uncomfortable atmosphere
placed my hands on the table
and asked for what i hadn't requested
you'll thank me for this they said
i'm still waiting to see if they were right.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 3:01 AM UTC
The day I have it all figured out
You'll crumble to ash and dust
I'll see you sit and cry and pout
What good was I, machine with rust
And what good is progression in myself
If you're unavailable to see it brew
I throw the dust right off the shelf
You'll never be the one who grew
And when you wanted it all
I just wanted it to last
Come as you are
And I will be disappointed
Just like I was when I saw
The person I became
Was lovesick in memory
Memoria
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 2:23 AM UTC
If I wake up to the sun
I'm next to my lover
If I wake up forgetful and cold
A man I've never met has his arm
Wrapped around me, slow dancing in a bed
Of mistakes and unhappy schemes
Once upon a time I could wake up
And know that he was the first thing
I'd think of in my feeble mind
But like most I'm left running
From the mistakes you left
Discarded the mess of me
Left the mess of you
Once you found another
How quick that heart was on sale
Ready to be used and confused again
Could have sworn it expired
But my armor shines bright
All my friends are irresolute
Get lonely, fall in love, hate life
Sometimes you forget that
And as much as I want to call you
A malevolent heartbreaker
I know your heart means well
Share it, share it all again
The times we had were worth it
I'd be lying if I said
I didn't enjoy having someone
To share it all with too
But I'll never be like you
And you'll never be like me
That's why we broke up
In the first place
I wake up
To a new day
Without him
Every day
But a new day
Nonetheless
Mar 19, 2018
Mar 19, 2018 at 2:26 AM UTC
Tomorrow never feels right
Today becomes wasted
While I sit miserably
With a mind idle and weak
And yesterday? It burns
Straight into my skin
It's a cigarette, with its ash
Kissing my skin and landing
In a new direction
That I can't seem to find
I'm on my knees, crying
Over a situation I can't solve
But the steps don't seem impossible
So I accept that I'm wrong
And I'll see my mistakes one day
Next to my beautiful reminders
Knowing that though I have come far
I'm the same bright burning star
Mar 3, 2018
Mar 3, 2018 at 10:49 PM UTC