I let my eyes blur when I think of her
Or that time my mom killed me with just her words
I stare into the abyss like I'm proud of it
Like I don't care that I feel this way
Like I can only breathe inside this pain
I disassociate
Like that time the love of my life killed herself
And I never asked for help
I just sat inside myself
Or that time I almost died in Massachusetts
And I use to wish it happened and I live with that
I think about that time in Colorado 2a.m when I almost didn't come back
These are the times I hate
I disassociate
May 18, 2021
May 18, 2021 at 4:27 PM UTC
I've been losing sleep
I think I'm in way too deep
Pull me out
And when I scream it doesn't make a sound
Dear anyone
How can I love you and not love myself?
The fire burns but I still love the smell
Would you hate me if I went to hell?
Dear anyone
Mar 9, 2021
Mar 9, 2021 at 9:49 PM UTC
I take you in like my last J
Come fill me up
Overfill my cup
I give too much but that's okay
At the end I'm me
Tell me it's enough
Oh darling do you see right through me?
I know I've chipped away
Apparently you never knew me
Or you would have stayed
I'm just a lost girl
Living in a lost world
Til I found you
Only you were lost too
Mar 7, 2021
Mar 7, 2021 at 11:41 AM UTC
I am my own worst enemy
At times I only see what my demons see
And when it gets hard to breathe
I think about my body six feet deep
And I'm just being honest
Half my life I sliced my skin just so I could feel inside myself
Now you know I needed help
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Remember when I lost that weight?
You all thought I looked so great...
I think my mom only loved the space I filled
Now she doesn't even love that
Sometimes I just can't connect
Why are these feelings harder to express?
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Mar 5, 2021
Mar 5, 2021 at 9:49 PM UTC
I let the smoke fill my dim lit room
Too afraid to address how I feel
Too afraid to be used
Out of body
Sometimes it's like I don't have anybody
Why do I need the smoke when I start to feel kind of funny?
And why do you love me?
I'm losing sight of what I'm writing
Why do I bite my tongue?
Why do I choose to go silent?
Here comes the silence
My mind feels altered
Sometimes it feels so good when I start to go under
I miss my colors
Wish I was brighter
Probably should have been loved more as a child
Here comes the silence
Feb 23, 2021
Feb 23, 2021 at 3:21 PM UTC
Remember when I was seeking God but not myself?
I'm not sure what made me stop
The soreness in my knees?
My fascination with trees?
My fear of not being free?
Cobble stone paths laid out by Father's leading the mass
Only the holiest of wines
I search for many things but only what takes me high
Oh Sister's, why do you sacrifice?
My hands stretched out hoping to reach something bigger than the atoms that create us all
All of us looking before we fall
I take trips because they allow me to see more
And if You are out there way past the fake and adoring
You know where I'll be
Climbing the Tree that sets us all free
Feb 17, 2021
Feb 17, 2021 at 8:51 PM UTC
Oh mother
How do you define love?
I'll never see
Oh brother
How do you define your soul?
Does father know?
Oh sister
How does it feel to be the first alone?
Jan 23, 2021
Jan 23, 2021 at 11:53 AM UTC
Sometimes I feel like I lack so much passion
Is that me or the depression
I can't seem to form thoughts that let people in
I want love but I seem to fall too deep into it
And I talk a lot but no one is really listening
I scribble out the words
Like I forget everything that hurts
Are you sure I'm not asleep
Are you sure this is happening
Why am I crying
Why did it hurt that she never saw me
There is so much suppressed noise that I'm completely silent
If you can't handle me when I'm wordless
Don't expect yourself to make it hurt less
If you could hear my thoughts you'd understand that I'm complex
And they're endless
But what's the use
I'm used to being abused by the pain I can't seem to lose
Don't speak for me
I might be slow to draw
But don't think for me
My trigger finger is quick to take me out of my misery
Thank God for cold feet
Thank God I'm terrible at endings
Oct 22, 2020
Oct 22, 2020 at 7:07 PM UTC
I've ran from myself for far too long
I'm all caught up
To see where I am now
I have to look back at where I began
The sky is mixed with colors because I can finally see
My hands are right in front of me
Lead me to the promise land
Let me bathe under the sun
The only thing I want to feel is the rain and how it runs
There's no need for fear or doubt
Let the stars guide me home
The only thing I've ever had
The only thing I know
I've learned to breathe more deeply
I've learned to take it in
And knowing I'm only 24
I've learned to live again
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 8:54 PM UTC
I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed
For you to come and save the day
My sun was gone
My skies were gray
But then you left and went away
So I prayed
And I prayed for you that night
I gave everything so you could shine
So please stay away
I can't breathe when you're around
Leave it at bay
I'm trying to stay above the ground
So I prayed
Then you burnt me with that cigarette
So I caved
Now I'm here with these regrets
And now I don't pray
Cause you took all the faith in me
Now I pay
Every night when I can't sleep
Pray for me
Aug 11, 2020
Aug 11, 2020 at 11:15 AM UTC