j-r-cramer
F/Napa, California
Middle aged woman / Typical English major / Successful career / In malpractice insurance / I grew so tired / Ethics nowhere to be found / That I flew away / I took care of my parents / For their last five years / Made me a better person / I've a second chance.
This grief feels like
I got shot in the chest
Three months ago
And I look down
And I can see the hole
With all the blood and the gurgling
And I wonder
How bad is it
But I am still standing
And I am still walking around
And I wonder
When I am going to fall
Dec 23, 2019
Dec 23, 2019 at 12:14 PM UTC
Had I known I’d make it this far,
Would I have taken better care?
Would I have walked by one bar?
Passed on one affair?
Declined a chemical adjustment?
Favored good sense over whim?
Deferred to my better judgement?
Forgone ribeye for kale so grim?
Of course not.
Assuming only survival had confirmation
And the aftermath of each decision
Were still open to speculation,
There would be no need for revision.
Suspending loss or gain,
And ignoring others’ wrath,
The fact that I remain
Confirms the virtue of my path.
Well, that may be going too far,
But, unrepentant, I’m already there.
Strange faith in fate served me well, so far
And pulled me through without a care.
Yet my waywardness in both fact and fame
Was no less reckless, no less wild
Than of friends fallen in this game
Some so young - less man, more child.
I’ve indeed fared better
Than friends of long ago
Who broke through every fetter
Unwilling the prized cheese to forego
And in a headlong rush
Lunged, heedless of the twang and snap
And fell to the deadly crush
0f fate’s cold steel trap.
Spring-loaded, compelling,
The trap holds undeniable sway,
But upon that I won’t be dwelling
While I have cheese enough for today.
Was I lucky? Doubtless so.
Was I canny in avoiding fate?
I guess, but how much, who could know?
So there are no values to equate,
And no formula for a survivor’s guide
To having one’s cake and eating it, too.
Such book would be hailed far and wide
A bestseller! But patently untrue.
The truth is that I have no idea
Why I’m now facing longevity,
Why, against all odds, I’m still here
In defiance of expected brevity.
So maybe I’m just the Second Mouse,
Distracted, wandering o’er the map,
Drifting from room to room, house to house
Appearing just after some unlucky sprung the trap.
At that point, what for me remains
But to show respect, doff my hat
And set to the work that pertains
To cheese management and growing fat.
My fate will arrive, neither too soon nor too late
An unknowable appointment’s been set,
‘Til then the whys and hows prove pointless debate
While I have good company and cheese enough yet.
Dec 16, 2018
Dec 16, 2018 at 5:28 AM UTC
She observed herself
Standing fast in clouds of steam
This felt so unreal.
Remote perspective
Would make survivable the
Dreaded encounter.
The necessities:
Tickets, porter, clock,
Time creeping along.
Maintained a distance
And staunch objectivity
‘Til the last moment.
Final words spoken,
All defenses splintering
She paused, one last look.
One last chance to stay,
Vanquished, punished, forbidden
The wide world’s pageant.
.
Point of inflexion.
The tug of the familiar
The pull of the known
Would invert the arc,
Intended trajectory,
Retrogressively.
And then, there it was:
Unctuous, demeaning smile,
Withering and cruel.
Pierced by well-honed fleer,
She reflexively shuddered
Like fly-stung horseflesh.
Ears roaring; face flushed
She felt foolish, faint-hearted,
humiliated.
One breath, and one more,
Forcing herself to stare down
Scorn and ridicule.
Then chin uplifted
And breath becalmed, she nodded
And scant smiled Adieu.
Thus the poetess
Righted her millinery,
Spun on her bootheel,
Snapped her parasol,
gave her bustle a barely
Perceptible shake,
And with solemn mien,
But mirthful eyes, she set forth
For better morrow.
Nov 12, 2018
Nov 12, 2018 at 12:05 AM UTC
I remember sitting
On the tiny porch
Of my dad’s home
Offended by the sun
That continued to sink and set
Without pausing to acknowledge
My dad’s passing.
Offended by the cars
That continued on the highway;
Callous indifference, it seemed to me.
Even the birds at their feeder
Greedily fed and failed to look up
To mark the loss of their benefactor.
I found myself
Silently demanding condolences
In every encounter.
Not for the sympathy,
Or worse, pity,
But for the acknowledgement
That he was here
And now he’s gone,
And something,
However infinitesimally small
In the scopeless universe,
Has changed.
I have two cousins.
The first called my dad
Every month.
His regular call came
During the last days.
The decline surprised him.
He took a deep breath
And asked for speakerphone
Near my dad.
He told my dad
How much my dad had
Influenced his life;
How as a child,
he anticipated a visit from my dad
Like kids stay up to see Santa;
How my dad made my cousin feel
Like he was the most important kid
In the wide world;
How my dad gave my cousin
The otherwise unavailable
Sustenance of heart
Young boys need;
How my cousin had strived to be
Like my dad
And how he hoped
His own children see in him
What he saw in my dad.
That was acknowledgement,
Profound acknowledgement.
My second cousin called
Shortly after the first.
He had heard
That my dad was dying.
He did not ask
To speak with my dad.
He wanted to tell me
To call him
As soon as memorial
Arrangements were made
So that he could purchase
Discounted airline tickets,
To include a subsequent visit
To his son who lives
In the southern part of the state.
My dad was still living.
That, too, acknowledged something,
And served to impel my pending decision.
So I opted for
A less conventional
Memorial ritual
That required neither
Plane tickets nor attendance
Nor a frozen smile reception.
I would not suffer
Insincere acknowledgement.
I am sure I scandalized
Many acquaintances of my dad
Who enjoyed the social conventions of
The anticipated gathering
If only to point out the deficiencies
Of the event and the host.
I am sure I offended
And frustrated
And embittered
One of my cousins.
The other cousin thought
My dad would have preferred
Sincerity
Over a pantomime.
I would suffer
The disfavor and distaste
Of the discontented
With no difficulty.
Nov 10, 2018
Nov 10, 2018 at 9:59 PM UTC
It’s easy to discern the who what where and when
Compared to the divination of why.
Why are we here? Why are we alone?
Why are we tortured with foreknowledge of death?
Stop.
That’s the most important why, perhaps.
For it plucked us from the trees
And set us on course
To make some sense of our shortage of days,
To ****** the brass ring of eternity
If only in the collective memory.
(Let us here pause
And give a moment’s thought
To the countless anonymous
Who sacrificed all their
Fleet-footed hours
And all human joy
For attainment of eternity
In the memory collective
Only to have been
Promptly forgotten
In the first moment of
Posthumous silence.)
But this quest is amoral,
It does not specify
Whether fame or notoriety’s the prize.
This is the apple of Eden
The tree of knowledge.
It is the crux of sentience
(Poor sentience,
robbed by redefinition
of all salience and pride,
Left lying shop-worn and ill-used.)
It’s the fear of time, the root of crime
And our demand for assistance devine.
Are our whole lives a scream of protest
Against the known inevitable?
Can inevitability even be known
Without the benefit of hind legs?
(Why the quadruped bias?
(and what does this have to do with inevitability?)
Any more than four legs would render
‘Hindmost’ as opposed to ‘hind.’
Let us be specific,
Whether or not it’s
Neither here nor there.)
Why can’t we make peace with our fate,
And accede to the eventual silencing of that
Hated, feared, beloved voice within?
What does nothing feel like?
What does nothing sound like?
Who would be there to tell?
Imagine our lives
If foreknowledge of death,
Did not exist.
What would be sustained?
What would be lost?
What would have never become?
(I know that my ask is unreasonable at best,
The bell has already been rung.
But this is my poem and I’ll ask what I will.)
Could you live in such a state
Of innocence edenic?
Of course not; not as you are.
But then, who, what would you need to be?
If innocence were refundable,
What would that voice,
That lives in a certain place
Between your ears
(Would that voice still
be hated, feared, beloved
under the prospective circumstances,
or would it be otherwise?)
Have to say
(Does a voice ‘say,’
Or does it speak
For it’s master?)
When in quietest solitude?
Are you uncomfortable?
Will you turn the page?
Would you prefer to debate
Than to imagine?
Do we know which way the wind blows?
Are there any more weathermen?
Or are we all meteorologists?
Does it matter?
Did it ever?
For those who remain,
Let me welcome you
To the Realm of Poets and Madmen.
A distinction without a difference.
Nov 5, 2018
Nov 5, 2018 at 7:16 AM UTC
Let not strange whimsy wither,
Strangled by grievance.
True - idler am I,
As words have fallen from grace,
So, too, a poet.
My lot once would vend
Letters to the unlettered:
Proud obsolescence.
The world’s not at fault,
Rather my own vagaries.
Tell you a secret -
My vain, feckless reach
Falls ever short of my grasp.
No heaven for me.
And so I tumble
Upon wild winds of fortune,
Tousled, torn and tossed.
I struck this match with
Scant tinder for inferno.
I apologize.
Nov 5, 2018
Nov 5, 2018 at 6:43 AM UTC
We are the fingers of fog
That grasp the hilltop and
Pull the fog eyes up to see
If the sleeping valley below
Needs a blanket.
We are the mist that clings to her stream
Long after other mists have
Retreated to safety.
The mist that forsakes herself,
We are the October late-day light
That deepens the blue
And livens the green
And crowns Crimson
Your fleeting, quick-fading queen.
To distract you from thoughts
Of the cold colorlessness to come.
We are the grainy gray shadows at dusk
That camouflage the vulnerable
And vex the predator
So that the small
May scurry homeward.
We are the soft illusion
Of a bright twinkling cloud glimpse
Of the shy Milky Way
That pulls down the astral children’s shade
And hides the rage of the stars,
Indulging snug earthbound mortals
To dream their snug earthbound dreams
Under the proctor of Venus and Mars.
We are the saving grace
Between you and reality,
The light hand
Upon your shoulder
That keeps you from
Going over the edge.
Nov 5, 2018
Nov 5, 2018 at 5:37 AM UTC