Extended family
Slowly rocking on the porch of ******* Barrel
I smile and laugh, rocking with the flow of conversation
*My wife refuses to take ambien now
After she woke up one night
and found me with a huge grin on my face*
Keep rocking
Keep smiling
Small chuckles from my family around me
She never would've noticed!
*I'm sure that's not the first time
she's slept through that*
Well, as long as she didn't say "no"
The smile slips from my lips
Keep rocking
Eyes down, unable to look to my father's face
In case he is also laughing
I fall into myself
Cross my legs
~My subconscious defense~
Keep rocking
Digging my fingernails into my left arm
Right above the four dots inked into my wrist
Marking my skin to convince me
That I have control over my body
That past violations don't define me
Keep rocking
Uncles laughing
Still clenching my teeth
Drawing small crescents of blood
Beneath my chipped nails
Anything to distract from the images
Flashing behind my averted eyes
I loosen my grip
Raise my head
To see that not
One
Single
Person
Has noticed my internal plea
The fear in my eyes
The tension between my thighs
Keep rocking
Keep rocking
Blood doesn't mean you're family
Family doesn't mean you're safe
Jul 27, 2017
Jul 27, 2017 at 11:32 AM UTC
I took this semester to study abroad
I couldn't be on that campus anymore
The one where your prestige follows you
Even after you've been found guilty
But even here
In a medical classroom in the heart of São Paulo
It finds me
Your legacy, your good character
Your side of the story
It creeps in the shadows behind me
Startling me
Sending cold, damp shivers down my back
And burning black anger and fear behind my eyes
I exit the lecture and walk to the bathroom
Flexing my freshly polished fingers
Until they reach the back of my throat
And *****
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 6:55 PM UTC
I blocked you on LinkedIn today
LinkedIn
I can't believe it's gotten to this
That it is so unbearable to see your face or your success anywhere
Before I permanently removed the last remnant I had of you
I looked at your profile
You've moved to San Fransisco
I felt a pang in my chest
A hollow pinch
That I didn't know about this move before
Because for some reason
I still want to know every part of your life
Or at least the big things
The way that I used to
Whatever this is
This Stockholm syndrome of sorts
Has me deeply nestled in the palm of its hand
Beneath bony white fingers
That'll never unfurl
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 6:00 PM UTC
Many people spend their lives battling with demons
Drugs
Themselves
The past
My father, he battled alcohol
And my mother, well, she battled him
She fought with her life to give me mine
As he beat her down
And beat her up
He held my life in his hands
Clenched in his fists
She stood at the top of our staircase
Somehow never afraid of this man she loved
He was filled with delusions
Fueled by liquor
As he drunkenly climbed the stairs
Toward where she stood
Screaming obscenities
About her infidelity
He knew why she had done it
He had chosen drinking over his family
And so she had chosen another man
But there they both stood
My mother with her hand on her swollen stomach
And my father with his hand through the plaster wall
Until his head became so clouded
That his hands reached my mother
The poison pulsed through his veins
And the venom became blows to her body
She shielded her abdomen
As his hands made contact
Rattling the quiet, liquid world that I lived in
With my twin
The war was waged against us
Because we did not belong to him
Because we did not belong
To him.
He fought himself
By attacking his mistakes
Not cognizant that we
—innocent and unknowing—
Would be unable to fix his pain
But he fought anyways
To destroy us
As if our disappearance
Would erase his fault
Exhausted from fighting
He fell to knees
As tears fell down my mother’s face
And blood dripped down her inner thigh
Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to feel loss
Before you feel existence
Sometimes I wonder if I knew
That my life could have been taken away
As easily as my twin’s
That my life was at the mercy of a man
Before my heart beat on its own
But I remained
And the strength of my mother
Granted me access into this world
This world where men fight their demons
And women fight for their voices
Not realizing that their own demons
Rest their heads on the pillow next to them
Dec 13, 2015
Dec 13, 2015 at 5:42 PM UTC
For a long while I lay next to you
Sheltering myself from your fan
And listening to you breathe
I touched your face
But you refused to wake
So I grabbed my things
And stole a kiss before I left
The only one I had received that night
And like so many times before
I snuck out the back
And trekked to my car in the dark
I didn't realize I had left
Until I was halfway home
Choking out lyrics to a CD
That I will never be able to listen to
Without thinking of you
After so many times
You would think I'd be used to you
Leaving
But each time it's the same
Taking the downtown exit
With blurred sight
Only able to make out light
And color
Jun 18, 2014
Jun 18, 2014 at 1:14 PM UTC
Before I see the break of dawn
I see your face behind my lids
And keep my eyes shut untill you're gone
I dream of when we were kids
When kissing was only spelt in songs
Allowing what my mind usually forbids
But it does not cloak, it only prolongs
Waking up to a bright morning and empty bed
A vacant shadow where your body belongs
Filled with longing and words unsaid
To me, I wish to bring you home
Wiping my eyes, I turn my head
Imagine the scent of your cologne
Born from a depth so deep
I momentarily forget that I'm alone
You may not be mine to keep
But I'll see you when I fall asleep
Apr 4, 2014
Apr 4, 2014 at 12:17 AM UTC
I know I've hurt you
But I am not emotionless in this mess
I am filled with guilt
And the sting of your rejection
This can't really be it
....can it?
I haven't shed more than a single tear
In a few weeks now
And anytime something happens
I wait for my inevitable break down
But it is still yet to come
Taunting me
I'm lonely
And upset
And heartsick
But my body won't let me release those feelings
Meticulously torturing me
So I turn to drugs
To alcohol
Experiences
Companionship
To ensure that I feel nothing
And although my head is filled with fog
I can feel his hand behind my back
My fingers behind his head
And I can see your image behind my eyes
Taste your name behind my teeth
But it is poison to my tongue now
And I must swallow it away
Before it escapes my lips
And betrays my composure
Disguising self-preservation
Mar 16, 2014
Mar 16, 2014 at 2:52 AM UTC
Driving back from a numbing weekend
Distracted with liquor, drugs, sunshine, and company
I opened my first college acceptance letter
It was unexpected
And although I was beyond happy
Filled to the brim with emotions
That had been locked up for weeks
I still couldn't cry
I was happy while I was in shock
But inevitably my mind went straight to you
I was accepted to the school closest to where you are
And although I'm going to go where I want to go
I've always associated going there with us
And I couldn't even share my happiness with you
It's a great school, but you were a huge part
Of why I applied
And there I was
Trying to numb myself to your memory
But college acceptance
No matter how happy it can make you
Never fails to remind you of everything
Left behind
Mar 16, 2014
Mar 16, 2014 at 2:50 AM UTC
I don't go out much
More than I used to, but still not much
Because I hate coming home
To unlocked doors
And both sides of her bed turned down
The angel that lives upstairs
Hides dark secrets in and under her bed
It's nothing that should concern me
Yet it is everything
It took me years to forgive her
For conceiving me with a man
Who wasn't her husband
Even though I now understand
And have forgiven her
But she has no excuse for kissing married men
Who come to fix our TV
Or sleeping with her accountant
When she is oh so in love with her perfect boyfriend
I can't help but be upset by it
I know I've committed my fair share of sins
But I'm still learning
And I think what angers me most
Is that she is the woman I've looked up to
My whole life
Despite her poisoning my memories of my father who's not my dad
Despite pitying her childhood and taking it out on me
Despite her nonexistent self-confidence that leaves her bedroom door open
And in all honesty,
I didn't have anyone else
I know she is a strong, compassionate woman
But deep down I wonder
If all my insecurities
All my inabilities to happily be in love
All the things ****** up in my head
Stemmed from the only role model
I've ever had
Mar 16, 2014
Mar 16, 2014 at 2:45 AM UTC
I know you're angry
And hurt
And you have every right to be
But please don't doubt that I'm doing this
For us
I loved you enough for the both of us
Believe what you will, but that is the truth
I know sometimes it's been hard to tell
I was careless, paranoid, insecure, immature
And I'm sorry for that
Those are my faults
You know them well
But you are not spotless, either
Neither one of us was ready
Ready for this kind of love
This kind of passion
This kind of vulnerability
But it came anyways
When we didn't ask for it
And as a result, we didn't work
Not because we were not right for eachother
But because timing and circumstances
Wouldn't allow for it
Don't you dare think
That means you don't cross my mind
Every second of every day
Don't you dare think
That I am not hurting and aching
To be with you
I think about you constantly
Miss you constantly
I miss the sound of your voice
The way you held me
Your eyes
Your arms
Your scruff
Your love
I want that all back
But I know I can't get
What I want right now
So please, promise me
That despite everything
If you are ever courageous enough
To settle down
And show off your love
And if I am ever courageous enough
To trust
We will find each other
Again
I am not giving up
I never did
I am just salvaging what we have left
So that maybe we can put it back together
When we're both ready for it
When timing and circumstances will allow it
Feb 19, 2014
Feb 19, 2014 at 10:58 PM UTC