September 10th is National Suicide Awareness Day.
Every year, every day that we spread further from the other in time is like the continental plates leaving each other’s coast lines after Pangaea found out it would no longer exist.
On this day, every year, I find myself thinking of you.
You were the first suicidal case for me,
the one where a midnight call to the mental hospital would become something routine.
You constructed a noose so perfect that it matched the image upon Google,
What kind of sick creature puts instructions for nooses on Google these days?
Last time I checked, hanging others was a crime.
Hanging yourself is a bigger one,
because the death penalty ALWAYS applies to you when you **** yourself.
This year, you’re throwing a party. I’m delighted to know as my stomach churns its illness away that you are consuming liquids that will give you the same bitter feeling tomorrow morning.
I’m lucky to know that you survived.
That she and he and her and him and they lived.
That the noose didn't work,
that the blade wasn't sharp enough,
that the hands around the neck gave up,
and that the window was locked.
The broken souls up in Heaven will forever watch our lives,
as we so desperately attempted to save theirs.
Sep 10, 2014
Sep 10, 2014 at 9:44 PM UTC
They left behind little tokens of love,
fragments of memories with pieces of their souls.
There lays his pacifier, that would close his mouth for afternoon naps.
The laptop charger that allowed YouTube videos to be played when daytime T.V. was too plain for his expontental mind.
The room that they slept in; still coaxed in their fragrance the bed still wet from his drooling mouth and the tears that were shed as I said goodbye.
I promised I was not going to cry,
but when he held out his arms from the car seat with no awareness of where he was going,
I needed to let him know through my face that I was upset that he was leaving,
that the drooling, smiling from lobe to lobe, Micheal Jackson dancing five and half month nephew was not aware that he was breaking his aunt's heart.
The pacifier still sits on the counter, I'll leave it there for a few days.
It's pleasant to have a fragment of his soul for good luck before I leave for college.
Aug 18, 2014
Aug 18, 2014 at 5:06 PM UTC
I guess I hate summer days,
where families gather around a grill and laugh over clinging bottles of beer.
I hate the way the empty seat looks next to me,
mocking at my soul, laughing, taunting me, reminding me that I hurt you.
Not even a cup of coffee or a splash of sugar can fix the wounds I gave to you.
This is my apology, my first spoken recognition that I not only miss you,
but your heart was too big for me to hold,
you wanted to hold me so tight every sleepless night
and I needed you to let me go.
I hated the cage you created with your arms every night,
you convinced me that the constant texts and calls were love.
That the Skype talks we had every night an ocean away from each other weren’t taking time from my family,
but that I was devoting my time to you.
I was being true to the salvation of my boredom.
I brought the cage of your arms with me to college,
as I put my ring on the finger that shows engagement so boys would step away,
I created a force field for you so that you could sleep easier at night,
even though I was only ninety miles away.
I ******* hate these summer days,
I became so accustom to your flesh cage that without the rails in front of my face,
I forgot what happiness was supposed to be like without your rails.
Home is not this place anymore,
your presence infected the streets and I no longer see love and happiness,
just broken memories with your smile plastered on every street corner.
Jul 4, 2014
Jul 4, 2014 at 9:39 PM UTC
I swear, I'm allergic to
emotion.
Thumper from Bambi challenged me to a contest,
to see whose thump was the greatest, loudest, most passionate.
My heart won.
The hills that form on my legs whenever your fingers grace upon it's surface.
Let's call them...
...lady skin ******
I wanted to plunge in the river just to **** you off,
just for you to look at me and scold me for being stupid.
...you're cute when you're mad.
You hop along side bunnies on the grassy pieces of our home,
I hope to hop along side you shaking my bunny tail.
I hope that one day,
you get to meet a tiger and play with it's tail.
Have it curdle your face and watch your lips curls at their edges
Let's go on an adventure to the edge of the world..
....you did say we'd go on a trip together.
I've only written of tales of heartbreak
Never tales of what happens before
You need to stop making my lips curl at their edges.
Don't you know I'm severely, highly allergic
to emotion?
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 3:01 AM UTC
A joke…for example: MY MAJOR
I stopped taking my meds!
...too soon? Too serious?
I’m happy again, see my smile
That I miss you,
That I hate what you did to me,
that together…we were inseparable, when we were high.
That the potent smell of **** stings my nostrils, it remembers that this is what loved smelled like..
…I’m in a sorority…yeah I’m now Greek
I DON’T EAT MEAT ON CAMPUS ANYMORE!
...woot?
I’m sorry that those ten months were a waste…for both of us.
…honestly, I hate myself most days.
I wish I felt worth it again.
Your shirts the one you’re wearing, that’s the one I got you
... but you’re here,
in that chair.
Not even looking at me.
Apr 21, 2014
Apr 21, 2014 at 1:49 AM UTC
Thank you for the large sushi platters
cheap, but would fill our bellies to their brims.
Thank you for the red lights,
that would grant us a moment to make out in public.
Thank you for the skyline,
that you gave to me in the rain and the sweet summer sunshine.
Thank you for the grains of sand on that one beach,
the cold water only made me hold you tighter.
Thank you for the road trip to Ohio,
you know I missed her too much to breathe.
Thank you for giving me spontaneity,
it is amazing how capable I am to achieve this trait.
Thank you for the long drives,
where I would cry and your voice would match the pitch of sweet Marley,
you would remind me that I was loved, that I was worth getting up in the morning for.
Thank you for the swim in the lake at the Botanic Gardens,
you let me come up for air first.
Thank you for the random calls,
your pungent voice reduced the swelling of home sickness.
Thank you for the large sushi platters,
cheap, but they filled our mouths with stale rice and rotting fish.
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 11:24 PM UTC
The idea of kissing someone else in the summer time
burned my lips.
They felt scolded as they touched someone else
under the heat waves of mid June.
They became parched as they braced themselves
against someone else's bare, sweated, sand covered chest.
Scolded lips--scolded.
Forever burned.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 12:56 AM UTC
I peeled back the skin on the clementine,
your silhouette stood in front of the counter as you urged me to aim slices at your mouth,
The echo of my laugh stained the walls.
This time, when I peeled its poignant skin back,
your silhouette was not there.
I found the molded tickets
to the music festival we only brought three dollars to,
It was enough to buy us a greased bag of bacon slices.
Thank God water is free.
I mistakenly wore your Superman boxers to bed for three weeks
until I realized they were yours.
I went to bed every time in them feeling
oh so super,
oh so nostalgic,
oh so happy.
I threw them away the moment I remembered that they touched your skin.
I decontaminated my room.
I peeled back the emotional blanket today,
My emotions were naked; exposed
as I found the condoms we planned to use for Valentine's Day.
The long distance between us morphed us into planners instead of go-getters.
The go-getters were the ones that fell in love.
The planners were the ones that lost each other among the open fields separating us.
Mar 10, 2014
Mar 10, 2014 at 12:53 AM UTC
He told me I was convenient
That what we had between us was convenient
That the space in which we gave value to was convenient.
Magic has never been convenient
and maybe that's why I fly a little further every day
try to grasp those ******* stars behind some clouded city lights
trying to grab the ******* magic in between his palms because even atoms bouncing off each other were never convenient.
He practices science.
it's his religion
he preaches to the hydrogen bonds that stabilize our DNA.
He's praying to the mother of chemistry,
worshiping the biological systems in our body
trying to save lives that will one day be in need of saving.
I told him convenient was not my style of living,
that I preach to others day by day the gift of happiness.
That the rotten glares make me question this gift,
but I hold onto the magic.
Feb 23, 2014
Feb 23, 2014 at 4:18 PM UTC
I'm giving her reason to live. I can't find it myself anymore these days. I cannot fathom-ly place the pieces of my broken self into a piece of art that would make beings gawk.
I told her that if I could, I would take all the pieces I've placed together, and give them to her. To know how conflicted happiness and sadness are the greatest paradox to live inside your soul.
To know the sensation of a smile kissing your lips, instead of kissing a boy.
To know the tingling in your fingertips, when you nerve endings are no longer dead at the place where you are supposed to feel life's every painstaking, throbbing moment.
This life is worth the pity that crawls up into the weaves of your skull late at night as the luminescence from the computer screen is screaming for you to keep your eyes glued on it because if you close your eyes you are not sure whether or not they will open again.
To wake up every morning with either a hangover, a smile, or sadness over your shoulder.
The pitiful moments through the blizzard are worth it to see the sunshine windy days that spring brings.
Spring isn't here yet-
the groundhog said it might not come this year.
I'll keep treading through this powder white with her heart in my hand until I reach the sun.
Feb 17, 2014
Feb 17, 2014 at 1:51 PM UTC