isthisnotideal
21/Trans* Male/The Void
I write shitty poems about the emptiness consuming me. / Trigger warnings: / Anorexia/Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Self Harm / Do not read my poems if these topics make you uncomfortable. They do not contain all of them, but they do all have at least one.
i'm stuck in this bomb of a body;
heels pressed into the knowledge
that things will always go wrong.
finger cocked on the hair-trigger that is my mind;
whether the blast will go inwards or out no one knows.
either way, the result will hurt everyone close
to this disaster that is me and myself;
the only thing i can be trusted to do
is sabotage my health -
i fail on purpose at everything else,
Jul 12, 2020
Jul 12, 2020 at 4:05 AM UTC
i have half-moon circles
That sink my eyes into my skin
they reflect what's happening within
my skin folds up like a paper crane
trying to make space
for the stifling thoughts in my brain
it's never enough to stop
the spilling over because
a drop always sneaks out
leaks out onto the blacktop
let out a meaningless shout.
It makes me doubt
Want for a better, stronger mouth
to control what words come about.
Jul 12, 2020
Jul 12, 2020 at 12:12 AM UTC
i feel like someone
is trying to pry open my ribcage
with a crowbar
like the doors to a closed bar
ready and wanting to drink in the rage
sitting in my heart
the only question is:
will they reach it before I die
and anger flows out of my body
on the wings of relief?
Jul 11, 2020
Jul 11, 2020 at 11:57 PM UTC
every day
another pound drops under my eyes
into the bags hanging there
drawing them heavier and heavier
darker and darker
with the weight of my sins.
they used to stay within
my mind
but little by little
they dripped out of my mouth
into conversations,
arguments,
paper.
now, i'm supposed to erase all of those thoughts,
cross out all of the lines that i've made
write new ones in their place
instead,
i decide to leave them scrawled in the dust
and turn the page.
Jul 11, 2020
Jul 11, 2020 at 10:06 PM UTC
Intertwined faces
Swirling in infinitous whirlpools
Arching, towards nowhere.
Jul 11, 2020
Jul 11, 2020 at 8:15 PM UTC
i'm a box
of oxymorons
contradicting and tripping over themselves
competing against themselves
to see who comes out on top
voices screaming in each ear
'look over there! no here!'
so loud
i cannot hear
the sound of my legs shaking
my heart aching
my mind breaking
over the things that i've done
is this what it feels like to know that you've won?
does that matter when you're also the one losing?
Jun 5, 2019
Jun 5, 2019 at 10:38 AM UTC
i am broken
like a carousel off its axis;
lost,
because I have to figure out how to fix this
shattered mind
with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like;
hopeless,
in a world that shoves happiness and recovery
down my throat anyway;
someone
who lives only for the sake of others
those who mistakenly believe i can be saved;
soulless,
because for all that i feel
none of those emotions touch me
deep enough to pull me out of this void
i'm living in.
i am.
dying
and already dead inside.
Jan 27, 2019
Jan 27, 2019 at 2:36 PM UTC
breaking apart in
bits of Styrofoam; please use
to pack up your holes
fragile: handle
carefully, my body says;
i stopped listening
Jan 15, 2018
Jan 15, 2018 at 11:08 AM UTC
my lips are too numb
from lack of kisses and I
must miss you again
Jan 15, 2018
Jan 15, 2018 at 11:02 AM UTC
once upon a time
i thought that if i scratched away at my skin hard enough
i could peel the layers far enough back
to reveal someone else inside
someone who wouldn't be judged
someone who was some semblance
of normal
it didn't work
because there is no normal in me
there is only pain and confusion and fear
now all that's left of those
happier times
are the scars that litter my body
like a trashcan
tipped in the wind
Jan 15, 2018
Jan 15, 2018 at 10:16 AM UTC