isabelfrye - Hello Poetry

I am still a child, even today While my skin grows and stretch marks rise And for years all I ever craved was attention from anyone with eyes, or vocal chords to say anything to me Now I am older, and I would have thought I’d learn how to live in my skin, How to live with myself But now I am a shell of what I once was Who I used to be The life and will to survive has left my body, I am decrepit and weak Yet the leech inside me only grows quicker and quicker with every heart beat I hate how much I hate myself I’d give all the money in the world for some way out Some way to feel My body feels foreign, I can’t recognize it And I’d live in the body of everyone else before my own, Because I know I’ll never be comfortable inside of myself Maybe I should accept what has become of me That I’ll never be who I was, or who I wanted to be That I spent years searching for validation where I knew it would never be found Just for the thrill that I might just reach it Even though I know I never will

0

May 5, 2021

May 5, 2021 at 9:39 PM UTC

validationism

I am still a child, even today While my skin grows and stretch marks rise And for years all I ever craved was attention from anyone with eyes, or vocal chords to say anything to me Now I am older, and I would have thought I’d learn how to live in my skin, How to live with myself But now I am a shell of what I once was Who I used to be The life and will to survive has left my body, I am decrepit and weak Yet the leech inside me only grows quicker and quicker with every heart beat I hate how much I hate myself I’d give all the money in the world for some way out Some way to feel My body feels foreign, I can’t recognize it And I’d live in the body of everyone else before my own, Because I know I’ll never be comfortable inside of myself Maybe I should accept what has become of me That I’ll never be who I was, or who I wanted to be That I spent years searching for validation where I knew it would never be found Just for the thrill that I might just reach it Even though I know I never will

20

We decided to drive. I sat in the back because, you told me you were a good driver. I sat in the back because I trusted you. I let my body hover over the seat, shivered as the cold metallic handle graced my hands. You told me, I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to wear the seat belt because we were so, so close to our destination even though I had no idea what that was, I didn’t put my seatbelt on because you told me not to. And as the green lights turned to yellows and reds We kept driving All along the same road The roads turned from single lanes to four; 5 lanes to one And I kept looking out the window The little girl in the back seat Trusting people is a privilege. I remember your hollowed voice echoing through my ears as you turned the volume up How you tried fighting over the bass, hoping you’d get your message across And we drove We drove past trees and the ocean; across canyons and we even tried driving over the moon, we would have done it if we could. And I remember trusting your hands How they moved over the steering wheel so gracefully My mother always told me to be relaxed and to trust the driver, they have your best intentions and anyways I never liked fighting So I decided not to fight And as the sun said it’s final goodbyes and the last layers of light was stripped away And like painting over walls in a new house The stars crept in, but eerily Your hands did not glide over the steering wheel anymore. Not graciously, at least. I sat in the back, all alone I repeated in my head the vows, the trust, the desperation I decided to hum along to the music, the music to drum out your ramblings We drove for so long. And your hands did not feel safe anymore. I wanted to say stop. I wanted to cry out in all that is holy- I wanted to put my safety belt on I wanted my mother I wanted it all to end After all, I never liked driving, and my trust was barely holding on, it was caving into itself as the trees tried breaking our windows. Your feet slowly, daringly hit the gas You turned the music up so you couldn’t hear my shouts, here my deficit crying Even though nothing floated out of my mouth Nothing came out, only tears Only wonders and what ifs And nervous air You gambled with the breaks, decided it was never worth stopping I remember crying in the back seat. We had driven so far. I was told good girls are quiet You said you wanted the best for me And so you hit the gas And over the moon we drove Over the biggest canyon we went The trees carried us on our journey And the glass broke the chains of every memory and thought one has The glass broke the seat belt. The glass broke my screams. The glass broke me. The glass cut itself. Once you fell next to me, You finally stopped I never liked to fight. I never liked to yell. I never liked to be quiet either. I never liked to scream. But I always hated driving.

0

Mar 12, 2020

Mar 12, 2020 at 9:10 PM UTC

The great leap over the moon

We decided to drive. I sat in the back because, you told me you were a good driver. I sat in the back because I trusted you. I let my body hover over the seat, shivered as the cold metallic handle graced my hands. You told me, I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to wear the seat belt because we were so, so close to our destination even though I had no idea what that was, I didn’t put my seatbelt on because you told me not to. And as the green lights turned to yellows and reds We kept driving All along the same road The roads turned from single lanes to four; 5 lanes to one And I kept looking out the window The little girl in the back seat Trusting people is a privilege. I remember your hollowed voice echoing through my ears as you turned the volume up How you tried fighting over the bass, hoping you’d get your message across And we drove We drove past trees and the ocean; across canyons and we even tried driving over the moon, we would have done it if we could. And I remember trusting your hands How they moved over the steering wheel so gracefully My mother always told me to be relaxed and to trust the driver, they have your best intentions and anyways I never liked fighting So I decided not to fight And as the sun said it’s final goodbyes and the last layers of light was stripped away And like painting over walls in a new house The stars crept in, but eerily Your hands did not glide over the steering wheel anymore. Not graciously, at least. I sat in the back, all alone I repeated in my head the vows, the trust, the desperation I decided to hum along to the music, the music to drum out your ramblings We drove for so long. And your hands did not feel safe anymore. I wanted to say stop. I wanted to cry out in all that is holy- I wanted to put my safety belt on I wanted my mother I wanted it all to end After all, I never liked driving, and my trust was barely holding on, it was caving into itself as the trees tried breaking our windows. Your feet slowly, daringly hit the gas You turned the music up so you couldn’t hear my shouts, here my deficit crying Even though nothing floated out of my mouth Nothing came out, only tears Only wonders and what ifs And nervous air You gambled with the breaks, decided it was never worth stopping I remember crying in the back seat. We had driven so far. I was told good girls are quiet You said you wanted the best for me And so you hit the gas And over the moon we drove Over the biggest canyon we went The trees carried us on our journey And the glass broke the chains of every memory and thought one has The glass broke the seat belt. The glass broke my screams. The glass broke me. The glass cut itself. Once you fell next to me, You finally stopped I never liked to fight. I never liked to yell. I never liked to be quiet either. I never liked to scream. But I always hated driving.

65

My darling.... are you ever confronted with the universal truth that you won’t ever sink to the bottom of the ocean? Have you ever been confronted with the fact that you won’t ever touch the validation you seek? And as you reach the tiled pool floor and you brace yourself Your skin says no Like an oily layer you slip and slide back up Now as you speak to me your voice quivers as if, you never had even touched the thick water before My darling there is a science to art And as my density shakes like your lips whenever you become small and fall to the floor, I wonder why I keep fighting for something you just won’t give up. maybe you truly are a scientist And as lips touch, the waves of the ocean cover us and we sink slowly but surely finally Maybe if I jump head first I’ll be worthy enough, If I make a big enough mess, a disaster, maybe if I scratch the surface, or even throw a fit, I can really be noticed Maybe if I dance in the hearts of mankind, dance in your shaking veins as I try my hardest to trust you, to give in maybe then I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean But I sink because of pressure I sink because you tell me to I sink because I want to silence my thoughts I sink because I want to stay in this moment Where the vibrations of your mockery and foolishness can never dream of reaching me I sink because I don’t want to swim I sink because I want to reach the bottom of this ocean. Maybe then I’ll touch the feeling of being wanted, The eerie silence hugging me tighter and tighter, holding me like a new mother holds her child, wanting to shield them from the world. But in the pool water I only float quickly back to earth To life I hate leaving the quiet waters As my body enters the real abyss I breathe the cold air into my lungs and I scream- I scream to be heard I scream to silence these useless memories I scream to be known I scream for you to see I scream for all that was lost I scream so that you can wake up I scream for worthiness- I scream to trust. I scream so that maybe these bubbles won’t surface I scream for the waves to carry my sighs I sigh for the ocean to carry my screams. And I scream to find my voice. And that I too may May hit the bottom of the floor It may be a universal truth that I will never reach the perfection I seek It may be my death wish, and I am doomed to fail But I will still wish that maybe, Maybe I too Will be told That science is an art And I too can be an artist.

0

Mar 12, 2020

Mar 12, 2020 at 9:06 PM UTC

The sea carries her screams

My darling.... are you ever confronted with the universal truth that you won’t ever sink to the bottom of the ocean? Have you ever been confronted with the fact that you won’t ever touch the validation you seek? And as you reach the tiled pool floor and you brace yourself Your skin says no Like an oily layer you slip and slide back up Now as you speak to me your voice quivers as if, you never had even touched the thick water before My darling there is a science to art And as my density shakes like your lips whenever you become small and fall to the floor, I wonder why I keep fighting for something you just won’t give up. maybe you truly are a scientist And as lips touch, the waves of the ocean cover us and we sink slowly but surely finally Maybe if I jump head first I’ll be worthy enough, If I make a big enough mess, a disaster, maybe if I scratch the surface, or even throw a fit, I can really be noticed Maybe if I dance in the hearts of mankind, dance in your shaking veins as I try my hardest to trust you, to give in maybe then I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean But I sink because of pressure I sink because you tell me to I sink because I want to silence my thoughts I sink because I want to stay in this moment Where the vibrations of your mockery and foolishness can never dream of reaching me I sink because I don’t want to swim I sink because I want to reach the bottom of this ocean. Maybe then I’ll touch the feeling of being wanted, The eerie silence hugging me tighter and tighter, holding me like a new mother holds her child, wanting to shield them from the world. But in the pool water I only float quickly back to earth To life I hate leaving the quiet waters As my body enters the real abyss I breathe the cold air into my lungs and I scream- I scream to be heard I scream to silence these useless memories I scream to be known I scream for you to see I scream for all that was lost I scream so that you can wake up I scream for worthiness- I scream to trust. I scream so that maybe these bubbles won’t surface I scream for the waves to carry my sighs I sigh for the ocean to carry my screams. And I scream to find my voice. And that I too may May hit the bottom of the floor It may be a universal truth that I will never reach the perfection I seek It may be my death wish, and I am doomed to fail But I will still wish that maybe, Maybe I too Will be told That science is an art And I too can be an artist.

52