Let's play pretend
You imagine I’m not me
and I’ll become a golden boy
wielding strength through body, not mind
Fight me and I’ll break apart
I'll break
anything to prove you don’t see me
now make something tough and it will shatter
You thought me fragile but a shard of glass is deadly
dad, let’s fight but leave words were they are
if they’re never spoken I won’t choke you with them
Instead let us be men
Silent
dad, isn't it lonely to fight only with flesh
We lash out to connect but a strike is fleeting
I used to wield my voice like a whip and it struck
an echo in a head for days
Hard to be lonely when your head rattles
dad, a singular body feels weak when I had six figures
there are only so many ways to break a body with your own
but a mind
Shatters
and reforms
And that is why women are stronger.
I’ve given up strength to be weak.
Feb 3, 2024
Feb 3, 2024 at 8:13 AM UTC
I think of the water
offered to me
when thirsty.
Scalding water during a drought.
I want to drown myself(.)
out but
there is no flood to submerge in.
Not feminine.
Not successful.
Not enough.
When I cannot
afford my mother kindness
I give her honesty.
This house is loveless.
Feb 21, 2023
Feb 21, 2023 at 10:01 AM UTC
I told myself
the white walls of her
castle illuminated my class,
That the poverty in
my footsteps traipsed dirt
into pristine halls.
That my broken home
would leave shards
of splinters in her own.
That I should never
play the role of prince
with the conviction I felt in my soul.
That she was a fairytale I wasn’t allowed.
I didn’t voice
I’d heard the term lesbian
and come to understand things about myself.
That the syllables of
her name on my tongue
carried the tang of hymns.
That her name made my empty soul soar.
And then fall.
That her name made God jealous.
Jan 16, 2023
Jan 16, 2023 at 5:20 PM UTC
To learn that you are human is to break apart.
I am a scatter
f
r i
a n w
g i
m t n
e h d
n e
t
s
You storm through me
the dust does not settle
I will never know myself again.
Aug 7, 2022
Aug 7, 2022 at 7:01 AM UTC
From her lessons in independence we learnt that everyone leaves,
Abandonment as sure a fact of life
as death.
We learnt that love was transactional,
A currency,
A receipted tit-for-tat tete-a-tete.
At the altar we were shown lies,
In the white dress a million yes’s but the question was never till death.
I could walk through darkness without worry,
I’d never been shown the danger,
Been encouraged to see an enemy in calories but not strangers.
We learnt to lie to avoid bruises,
Wooden spoons used for more than stirring soup,
The salt burning streaks down our faces when the *** boiled over the stove top.
Truths ignored and lies inelegant
We learnt to wield fists with tongues
Sparring for our lives.
Cautiously awaiting the
whistle pop
truth drop
wished unsaid
upon
impact.
Aug 5, 2022
Aug 5, 2022 at 3:01 PM UTC
in his limbs i find penance
when he pins me down
its my mothers hands around my throat
begging
for sounds i won’t make
praying
to be allowed silence
when we join i know
i hate him
after we part
i hate myself
solace in the steamed bathroom mirror
hiding the sin from the sinner
the
salt
of
his
pleasure
the
salt
of
my
pain
washed off together as though
equal
but
her limbs are absolution
seek and ye shall find
i am forgiven between her thighs
on earth as it is in heaven
the prayer on my tongue meets god
her gasp Amen
Mar 18, 2022
Mar 18, 2022 at 4:01 PM UTC
I want to run until my knees hit the concrete
towards the grass
towards the earth
away
gravel grazes grit splinters ****** shins
yet still leaping
body tilted
in battle with the wind.
Mar 13, 2022
Mar 13, 2022 at 5:07 PM UTC
I said once this place was where dreams came to die,
So why am I happy here?
I can see the years etched into these peoples faces,
On line for every life they should have lived but didn’t.
Creased skin coating arthritic bone;
Comatosed souls in caracasses.
Defiant if not alive.
Because there’s not an eye that doesn’t glisten with mischief in this prison.
Solidarity and laughter while we peel back the skin on our knuckles and chip away bone.
As though the blue plasters can patch up the damage from years where it didn’t trickle down.
Mar 8, 2022
Mar 8, 2022 at 2:26 PM UTC
If I were to bottle this it would be
Fleeting moments of such deep joy it’s hard to recollect the moments of utter misery,
Of which there were more.
It would be bitter loneliness without the sweet tang of friends,
The ache of realising alienation isn’t about being alone.
It would be waves
Crashing into rocks after washing over us
Curling our ankles on pebbles
Tripping but running headfirst anyway
Toes in the sea.
It would smell like sun cream
With the coarseness of sand
Salt and sun and summer.
It would sound like jazz time on a friday afternoon
Blues, show tunes and improv.
Empty balconies,
Wind
Leaves
LMTs
Conversions I listen into but don’t join.
Thunderous silence.
It’s white walls awash with laughter,
Paint fumes and flying
Fresh puddles
Stifled tears
The longing for something more.
Feb 18, 2022
Feb 18, 2022 at 8:11 PM UTC
I wonder why it took another mans tears for your ears to open to the truth.
Years I’ve spent crying over you,
Getting drunk off the whiskey residue on your skin,
Spinning in and out of your life
Alarmed and dizzy.
A meteorite that never quite hit the mark.
How were you to know you used to be the sun,
That you’d cast us into an ice age?
We will orbit you until there is nothing,
Spinning ourselves into oblivion.
I wrote once that your hands cradled dust,
But that doesn’t do justice the worlds your hands crafted
Or the lives you lived.
A father, first and foremost.
It saddens me I will never know all your children.
I doubt you feel despair that you never knew them either.
Feb 18, 2022
Feb 18, 2022 at 7:48 PM UTC