she enthralled me with her orange hazy glow
that golden yellow singing chorus
made me think last night if I actually saw a rainbow
oh how unfair the broken are.
she broke last night asking me,
"why can't I cry like you?"
I replied, "because you have more breakthroughs
it makes you stronger. I'm just weak."
well, now I'm getting a look into her life
but I don't want to.
get me away.
this hits too close.
Aug 24, 2020
Aug 24, 2020 at 5:13 PM UTC
i know that when you eat 13 more pills than your body is used to, it will freak out and land up in the ICU where you will fight against yourself to stay alive. and that's no easy **** i also know that when you did this the first time you were a lot healthier than you are now.
i know that last night i came to the most tragic epiphany ever. when i was a kid, i watched my mom turn herself into a puppet as a hand went across her face, fast, and i would turn my brain off into a different world. and then it became toxic. i began imagining the pretty little 80lb girl slicing her pinkie-wrapped-wide wrist in order to look pretty. and by 5th grade, i developed an eating disorder.
i know that if i wasn't abused, i may have actually stood a chance to make something of myself.
i know that i have an issue with denial around my anxiety and the crippling level of it. i know i'm downplaying. i know i hurt. i know.
i know that if i hadn't fallen in love with trauma and ******** **** to make me aesthetic and pretty, we'd be in a different place.
Jun 23, 2020
Jun 23, 2020 at 9:59 AM UTC
when i say
'things will be okay,'
i mean that things will eventually work out
that doesn't mean life is going to become perfect, no
but it does in fact mean that the things you're worrying about
right now
will be okay
they will become memories
and you'll forget about the time you were so stressed for finals you didn't eat for 48 hours
things will be okay
you'll forget about what it was like to turn 17 when you were 18
and you'll never remember your favorite song as a 1st grader
on December 13th
you just won't
and for that
things will be okay
May 14, 2020
May 14, 2020 at 8:18 PM UTC
i wake up after a 16 hour sleep
1:23 pm
I untangle the matted knots in my hair
1:45 pm
i look outside to (unsurprisingly) see grey
2:10 pm
i look in my fridge and choose hopelessness
2:12 pm
I look at my untouched new sketchbook wishing i could something better than someone else but knowing it won't happen
2:16 pm
I want to die
2:20 pm
I feed my cat and pet her while simultaneously dissociating
3 pm
I decide I must eat to live, so I choose nothing
4:11 pm
I ask myself, 'why must the battle exist every day? I'm getting tired and lost. i need some direction.'
my brain responds with a dismal, 'you pitiful little boy. I'm breaking you down. i want you dead like that boy in third grade did after he ***** you. don't fool yourself.'
8:03 pm
i go to sleep
8:23 pm
r
e
p
e
a
t
May 10, 2020
May 10, 2020 at 11:03 AM UTC
i got really high this morning
and it feels like I cheated on recovery
it feels like I ripped my sobriety from my cold dead high hands
I'm listening to lil peep again
and I feel like I'm actually going bad again
I didn't care for my broken tender wounds yesterday
and I broke down into a beautiful pile of sadness
and there i layed
for a miserable, deadly, slow 5 hours until i
fell into a deep sleep
and i woke up this morning and cheated on recovery
May 5, 2020
May 5, 2020 at 11:47 AM UTC
i'm breathing
in and out
out and in
in and out
I'm breathing to resuscitate my lungs
i just came from a date with a panic attack
we freaked out together and
flashed back to good ol'
narcan time.
breathing is hard.
but this is a new time
a new start
to see how long i can go
May 4, 2020
May 4, 2020 at 3:10 PM UTC
i hope you travel to lots of places
places you favorably call home
places that make your bones hum in enjoyment
places that ring of heartbreak
places that radiate joy
and sparkle and singe in awe and amazement
I hope you see things on your travels
that restore faith in humanity
that make you scream from rooftops
that make you feel that you're one with life and love
I hope you meet people that make you feel beautiful and raw
I hope you meet others that define heartbreak
I hope you experience sadness
and joy, and rage
along with euphoria and sonder
there is so much out there to see
and smell
and experience
and taste
and hear
I hope you go to concerts that make you
feel so in the moment you can't imagine anything out of this one feeling
I hope you do everything and so much more
I hope you hear new music
and live life.
i hope you live this beautiful mess of a thing we call life.
May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 1:27 PM UTC
i'm not sound
i'm not stable
i still feel irrational and anxiet-ied nearly 99% of the time
it doesn't help i've had a seizure and have an MRI scheduled
with IV sedation which includes fentanyl
which i am a recovering addict
so this shit's ******* S c a r Y
i feel sick to my stomach thinking of it
and it's not for another 23 days
but
i also have an EEG scheduled
and that's scary too
because
anxiety
and
mental health
and so i will sit here
and type out my feelings
while somehow being vaguely manic
breathe dylan
i need you to breathe
dude
you're being stupid
shut the **** up you little *****
you're being irrational
nobody likes an irrational person
therefore
nobody likes you
and you will die alone
everything in your life leading you to this moment is utter ******** and make no sense
so just go do something else
and stop being stupid
but
but but
i found someone who actually
like
likes me for me
and respects me and my brain before my body
and it's beautifully strange but somehow familiarly heartwrenching
i don't like it
i don't like feeling this way
and my brain
working this way
so i will continue to write
until my music or brain thoughts stop
which is a hard question to see which will end first
**** is this really my future?
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 12:44 AM UTC
my brain cells aren't working the way they have been
i am currently 33 days sober and it's the worst best thing ever
i'm grateful i can breathe and function and sit at a humane level
but i'm not happy that the euphoric feelings completely don't exist anymore
i'm grateful for being able to see the sky every morning
but i'm not grateful to see it without the feelings of drugs being involved
i feel broken somedays
i feel sad a lot of the times
but mostly i feel numb
like nothing can actually function normally
whatever the **** that means
and so i'm really upset about the fact i can't see things the way i've considered normal
Apr 7, 2020
Apr 7, 2020 at 10:30 PM UTC
When the feelings subside...
From the negative self talk to the self-hatred.
From the disordered eating to depression and anxiety.
From trauma to substance abuse.
When all of that and more subsides...
I will listen to "The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens. I will lay on my back looking up at the ceiling, debating all that's whole in the world. I will turn my head to see a human looking back at me, as to remind me i'm so much more than myself in a world that beckons to hear me.
When the feelings of
guilt, shame, and self-loathing subside
and the light seems to shine over a trillion clouds
with a small smile from the heavens
-if i were the poet to believe in heaven-
i will draw with my favorite pen
and write a letter to someone i once despised
yet never send it
because **** actual feelings
and **** spending money on stamps
when the feelings of disgust and squirminess
decide to run away,
and i'm left with a black hole of anger
i will simultaneously cry and scream while running away
from everything i once believed
i will block a person or two, feeling utter regret
rant about three more times,
and return to the life i call home.
Mar 29, 2020
Mar 29, 2020 at 4:36 PM UTC