the teacher who always bought us pizza beckons with smiling eyes,
in her hands is a green basket pockmarked with little rubber *****
"stress ball?" she offers. instinctually, i almost turn away
until for some reason my hand finds its way into the basket and
my eyes find the most appealing color.
out rises a hot pink ball with a smiling face from the menagerie of mass-produced toys into my hands. and then tears well up and my throat closes and i look up at her and i say the first thing on my mind which is that i've been applying to college and that the ball means a lot to me.
it means more than she could possibly know. did she realize that i had been overwhelmed since that morning? that the tugging in my chest had led to the past two of my restless nights?
the pink smiling face, which we'd dubbed "happy harold," rests in my backpack. with my keys and lip balm and gum.
teenage girlhood in a pocket.
a sign that reminded me that it would all be okay.
Sep 20, 2024
Sep 20, 2024 at 2:58 PM UTC
would you bleed for me?
i'd take a machete and go to town if you needed me to
my violence is to vanquish my misguided foes,
your unwanted persecution, and my religious salvation.
i'd drip honey in my eyes if it meant our expiration
never came. if it meant that "forever" would be longer than twelve
more months. if it meant that you could be honest without being nice
and needed not to bear the weight of my wasteful tears.
i would bruise my knuckles to the point of no return,
leave my battered, emaciated body to the crows,
dissolve back to where i came from before i was born
to preserve our sanctity.
i'd kneel on grains of rice in the pews of a musty church,
praying and begging that you would come for me soon.
you are the only place i belong in this world
May 28, 2024
May 28, 2024 at 10:51 PM UTC
a slight joy permeates me
when the numbers on the scale dip below 100
when i feel my kneecaps clink together in bed
a smile whispers across my face
when i peer at the silhouette of my fingers
less blood and flesh and more the papery hands of dried up trees
against the burning blue sky of winter
envy chokes me like midnight smoke
weaving its way through strands of dead vines
every time i see the long, thin legs of supermodels
or of that one sweet girl with light brown hair
and a honeyed smile i knew from a three-week escapade
i tell myself and others i feel healthier,
that my hip bones protruding from my skin is desirable,
that i am loved and wanted just the way i am.
rather, my love is like a snake wrapped around its own master
squeezing affirmations and dissuasive persuasions from
the boy who is my home,
a finite connection in this world of infinite possibility.
i ask myself if the world would be a better place without me
every time i'm reminded of the expiration date
of my most coveted possession,
of the love that is the only thing i truly own for myself
in this godforsaken earth.
who am i to tell if it will all work out?
Oct 14, 2023
Oct 14, 2023 at 3:24 PM UTC
i have been thinking about what makes a person beautiful.
maybe it's the way the cold bites at her cheeks
the kind of sting that leaves them red and raw
barefoot on the wooden surface of the deck
leaving behind sawdust wherever she goes.
maybe it's the way he smiles at me
that one time i mustered up the courage
to make an air heart at him during chemistry class.
i wish i hadn't glanced away so quickly, so shyly
so i could get a second's more pride in that smile.
maybe it's how the intense pounding of fear
makes your knees bounce, or how an errant teardrop
threatens to spill over your eyes, like a cup overfilled.
my head hurts when i'm scared.
my heart hurts whenever i care.
Sep 11, 2022
Sep 11, 2022 at 2:15 PM UTC
i do not know what to say
i am not so sure
of myself or my words anymore.
that bravado i had once before
has melted away, the youthful naivety
gone with the erosion of time.
maybe i see the world more realistically now;
whether that is a good thing or not
is to be determined.
Mar 7, 2022
Mar 7, 2022 at 9:43 PM UTC
i have not written for months
and yet, it seems like they all passed
in an inhale and exhale of breath.
the guy i was definitely not excited to see? gone back home.
the "perfect" one, the one i definitely overthought? dumped me over text and moved on.
the new one...
well.
Mar 7, 2022
Mar 7, 2022 at 9:40 PM UTC
i am not excited to see him
i am not excited to see him
i am not excited to see him
i am not excited to see him
i am not excited to see him
i am not excited to see him
Oct 23, 2021
Oct 23, 2021 at 12:08 PM UTC
i thought it was amazing
because it had a ton of pages
and made me think about what i would be in hogwarts
that’s just the children’s book wormhole
make it long to satisfy parents
and give the kids a chance to put themself
in a neat, organized house or category
so they can feel special.
now, that i’m less naive,
i can certifiably say
that that series was
trash on fire.
(plus, no one can be sorted
into a category that clean-cut.
we all have rough edges.)
Oct 23, 2021
Oct 23, 2021 at 12:03 PM UTC
who knows anything anymore?
who cares?
i called it a saga, drama, crazy week
three confessions at the same time
who knew?
who cared?
who liked me enough to say it?
what am i even doing now?
Oct 17, 2021
Oct 17, 2021 at 12:38 PM UTC
I hate you.
Sometimes you’re funny, in a stupid way.
Most of the time? You’re not.
Please die in a hole.
You don’t want to? Ok.
You can die in a box instead.
Drink candle wax.
Eat superglue.
Please go away.
(Just so I don’t get in trouble I actually don’t want dumb person to die, I just don’t like them lol)
Aug 24, 2021
Aug 24, 2021 at 8:54 PM UTC