it's devastating
loving you and trying to leave despite that
i underestimated
how hard you'd actually fight to come back
seeing the effort
almost makes me wish things were different
but i know you'll never
be a person i could ever trust again
and you love me
or so you say as you undercut and avoid
all or nothing
it seems there is no other choice
boundaries firm
as i grieve for a home i never knew
and it's just the worst
the backtracking and sugarcoating and rearranging of truth
so now i'm far
enough to feel all the holes my soul leaks from
and my battered heart
is bracing for the hurt thats yet to come
Oct 10, 2025
Oct 10, 2025 at 10:18 PM UTC
behind a corner
i think of you
cant hold your eye
but can make a fool
acting distracted
but fully glued
to every little thing
you do
and i said something
but not to you
oh good god
never to you
and it felt weird
and it's still new
coming off weird
but not trying to
and i'd meet your gaze
if it was that simple, see?
and i'd take the leap
but my confidence is atrophied
and my life is a mess
and i'm just me
so it's nothing, i swear
i lied through my teeth
like i am right now
a feeling so sweet
tampered down
by a will just as weak
Aug 29, 2025
Aug 29, 2025 at 10:53 PM UTC
when my love scabs over
i peel myself open again
bleeding just feels so real
and lately i've sunken into myself
coming back empty handed and hearted
still love you, still hate you
still suffocated
but no one can ever tell
and i weigh every interaction
against my worth
just to free fall
into delusion
just to break even
i sell my soul
splintering bones
playing along despite the intrusion
just to feel decent
i ignore the signals
from my brain to my body
screaming to run
so do tell again
what it is that i need
or what is it that i should do
or how it just isnt ever enough
Aug 29, 2025
Aug 29, 2025 at 10:43 PM UTC
indecisive and inundated
with intention and visions
you like me better
when my tongue is bitten
but i'm coming to the conclusion
that i need more
i cant do it for you
and i wont hold the door
because i have this feeling
that i'll lay myself out
just to bleed
and still go without
everything wasnt nothing
but it isnt enough either
dont want to feel this way
and i dont wanna be a leaver
the right thing can be so obvious
yet hard to fathom
hoping we end up okay
living with my actions
Aug 29, 2025
Aug 29, 2025 at 10:43 PM UTC
flushed cheeks
i say what i mean
i think other things
but thats mine to decode and obscure
and i see
underneath the chinks
the fibre of your being
something i've craved but never could procure
so if you'd ask me
i might just say it
but if we're joking
i'll take complacence
and if we're not
don't be mistaken
on just how far
i'm willing to take this
in a guilty decree
and my quietest dreams
i get to be me
never thinking to be anything else or more
so if you'd kindly
heed my plea
i beg you to memorize me
and hesitate at the cracked door
knowing its wrong
but taking it in
a push and pull
we both could win
i know its a lot
but if you'd just let me in
i'd like to think
that you might not want ever again
Jul 26, 2025
Jul 26, 2025 at 6:25 AM UTC
i tried to hold the door for you
and you slammed my hand in the jam for the favor
i'm more of a i cant push this off in good faith
and you're a why cant we just talk about it later
and oh i tried to bridge the gaps
and you just blamed the distance on me
so maybe i threw the match
but we were already saturated with gasoline
and on my way out you spit in my face
i feel the venom and your need to be right
and you tell me i'm the most hateful person you know
then dont even say goodbye
such a glum note to leave on
i will die before you believe much less defend me
if you really felt that way
what did you even want with me
Jul 18, 2025
Jul 18, 2025 at 2:48 AM UTC
interwoven
yet totally disparate
imparticular
and frustratingly intricate
did you even think before
deciding for another person
where do you get off decrying your worst sin
some might be gracious
but your gift is more than fruitless
the weight of your actions were always mine
and at some point i think you knew it
and you still added more
to this day you still refuse your sentence
guess you had to find some way to live with it
and i will never understand
and i will never hold your hand again
and i dont have it in me to be a friend
not when we were supposed to be family
not when you were supposed to protect us
not when you'd rather excuse than acknowledge
the rot you delivered us into
and the horrors in which we were abandoned
and the pain you turned away with discomfort
and your heinous ability to forget the worst
in an effort to obtain personal salvation
cause **** the kids you brought into this ****** up world
cause it isn't your fault
we hurt, right?
keep telling yourself that
it will never be true
Jul 17, 2025
Jul 17, 2025 at 2:56 AM UTC
the freedom i was chasing
was never so far
i blamed you i blamed life
i blamed myself
i blamed my heart
but really it was just divinity
or maybe just the way things go
i searched for love for peace
for mercy for belonging
for a place that felt like home
now the understanding presents itself
just like this
you can try and fight change
but the simple fact that always was and will be
is that it just is
Jul 12, 2025
Jul 12, 2025 at 5:31 PM UTC
soft click
and the turn of a deadbolt
you left me here to die
surely
from the day i was born
you saw what you wanted
and tried to live my life
for me
and my fawn legs buckle now and again
living in the real world
on my own for the first time
sorely
you didnt prepare me for ****
just ruined my entire perception
guess you did give me that reason to cry
its always
always pouring
Jul 9, 2025
Jul 9, 2025 at 4:26 AM UTC
there's a blizzard inside my chest
its been churning through me for days
i'm cold
i'm tired
i'm dizzy
and the air stings my face
there's been a funeral in my mind
going weeks on end
i see myself
every night
hands rested
an overdue quiet
as if peace could be so easy
and there's a frog in my throat
i seize up and then croak
chewing on my words
tongue heavy
oxygen
almost
impossible
my cheeks burn in the effort
my eyelids don't listen to me anymore
i've lost entire days
seeing things
that aren't there
and taken
against my will
intrusive thoughts dressing up as dreams
and lastly my thoughts are broken
mushed and stuck and sticky and wrong
squinting
but they stay
turning away
hating myself
for the things i cannot change
i try to wait
i set the date
but doctor doctor
i'm
in
so
much
pain
Jul 9, 2025
Jul 9, 2025 at 4:22 AM UTC