if you ever see this i miss you i wish you would have stayed
Jul 21, 2025
Jul 21, 2025 at 5:46 PM UTC
july i wake up feeling disoriented, today is controlled by a reckless impulse to grab harder than usual. i don't remember the last time peace was here, every day a survivalist journal with dreams seemingly straying farther and farther away - i simply pass out and wake up w blood in my mouth. despite my expectation of war tonight i am late and unprepared, guard down just my pulse screeching in my ear because today is sunday and im at your mercy. you are a righteous god, cruel and cold, and i still believe tonight i will feel your hand on my cheek gently softly even fearfully touching, but yeah its sunday and its july and i am awake.
i miss you you know - i remember each time i saw you for the first time. the first time it was october of 2023 and i went out the airport, was with my mom, it was cold i was wearing my fluffy jacket the one that makes me look like a bear my hair was puffy from all the braids i slept in last night. then my mom said ''isnt that him'' and i saw you riding your bike ur hair swept up by the wind and it felt like a miracle happened that day. a waking dream. the start of something. something, nothing could have prepared me for.
the second time was winter again january 2024 - you were with my heart shaped glasses i left behind, looking mighty cool. best week of my life. i wonder if our gum is still stuck on the pink panther. i mean cmon berlin truly was ours those days.
june 2025. the third time i saw you. its been a year. my hair puffy again w a white dress. i woke up hours to get ready, to look nice - my mom said i looked like a doll. when i saw you it felt surreal like im watching a movie scene - you were wearing your beagle boys t- shirt. you listened when i told you to please wear it. its my favourite t-shirt of yours. it didnt feel right that time. something had changed.
i miss you. i really really miss you. everything feels wrong now. meaningless. prison. it feels like i am in prison. a prison of memories, a prison of hope. september 5th is supposed to be our next date. i never really noticed until now - but i am a ghost. i am living in our shared memories together in a places long gone - from those swings to the benches. i keep revisitng - its all i have. i lay my head there and i sleep there. we cant go back and there isnt any time.
Jul 21, 2025
Jul 21, 2025 at 5:45 PM UTC
it would have been quite the morbid sight
if someone watched me last night
sobbing and pulling at my skin
saying and praying
''is this a dream''
over and over
counting my fingers
over and over
Jul 6, 2022
Jul 6, 2022 at 11:02 AM UTC
for the last two weeks
i have been noticing a strange distance in my eyes
ever since i started waking up
from a sequence of dreams
involving you, me, a beach
and the unfamiliar absence of sound
hissing like a dog whistle
Mar 12, 2022
Mar 12, 2022 at 2:37 PM UTC
in a dream i was told to keep talking to you because you will disappear if i stop
Feb 10, 2022
Feb 10, 2022 at 9:55 AM UTC
people's touch always burns and hugs are so ******* short-lived. i hate them. what is the point if u are not going to hold me for the whole night while i stain every shirt and ***** no point. hugs are just another form of abandonment. understanding can be found on the inside - i will say to myself and others. but inside there is only the stale air of tonight, an image of a teenager kicking an ill kitten, me as a child and people's quiet, strong contempt towards me. i feel lied to. and the beach of tomorrow is my last sanctuary
Feb 8, 2022
Feb 8, 2022 at 9:02 AM UTC
you are so strange to be around
and so strange to talk to
but i really feel like missing you tonight
Dec 16, 2021
Dec 16, 2021 at 11:29 AM UTC
why does it all feel so pointless yet when i try to end it somehow i always end up looking into my cat's eyes.
Nov 22, 2021
Nov 22, 2021 at 4:05 PM UTC
im so sorry i couldn't keep my promise
and i never took you to see space
a broken lever came out of me
spilled all of my secrets on the grass
in front of your house
im glad you closed your windows this time
i know how scary my screams are
and i know
i am never going to see you
so i close my eyes and think of you
oh what a pathetic thing of me to do
for old times sake i promise
ill stay and we'll talk till morning
but after that im leaving
i am leaving u for good
with this sad trail of blood behind me
Nov 6, 2021
Nov 6, 2021 at 4:32 PM UTC