And just like that
the hum of anxiety
slowly rises from its grave
at first I can only hear it if I am listening
in quiet places, all alone
but its volume increases ever so slightly
throughout the day
throughout the week
until it's a roar
deafening me
and drowning out everything else
i want to find the off switch
i want to enjoy
the sound of birds chirping
i want to hear the way you laugh at my jokes
but everything else gets put on mute
while I wrestle with the monster in my head
Oct 21, 2019
Oct 21, 2019 at 8:15 PM UTC
I want to feel each rain drop
As it hits my skin
the goosebumps pop up
one by one
faster
until every hair
is standing on end
arms outstretched
letting every droplet
have a chance at its destiny
as the water drips down my body
until it falls to the ground
Jul 8, 2019
Jul 8, 2019 at 6:08 AM UTC
There is a small hole
in the space between my ribs
right above my lungs
and most of the time
it's tiny
a pin hole really
unnoticeable even to those who know it's there
but on bad days
it grows
it becomes a black hole
collapsing my ribs in
suffocating my lungs
making it impossible to breathe
or to just be
the walls shrink in on me
and i feel so alone
all i wish for is sleep
but I know it doesn't help
so i keep moving
imitating a regular day
going through the motions
until the day ends
and i collapse in tears
falling asleep
to the tears sliding down my face
and my exasperated lungs
gasping for another breath
I dream that everything is okay
that I am back to a pin hole
and not an all consuming black hole
when I wake up
some days
I've already forgotten about yesterday
but some
Are just a repeat of the hell
that I just barely survived
Jun 20, 2019
Jun 20, 2019 at 5:29 AM UTC
A yellow bandanna
the smell of bon fire
and the feeling of freedom
cold water on hot days
cigars on the porch
and your arm around me
But spring has come
and with it
a whole new summer
Apr 17, 2019
Apr 17, 2019 at 5:24 PM UTC
I dream of the words
melting in my mouth
and leaking out
unexpectedly
he then knows
that my feelings
are stronger than I led on
In my dreams he always
picks up the words
playing with them in his hands
until they again form
and he gives them back
but I never know
if he is trying to tell me
he loves me too
or if he wants me to take it all back
and pretend it never came out
Dec 30, 2018
Dec 30, 2018 at 9:00 AM UTC
"what is love?"
a question asked by an inquisitive 3 year old
love is something I have for you
a well meaning mom attempts to explain
*love is what your dad and I have
we love each other and we love you*
she says, trying to convince herself of the same
you will be raised in a house full of love
and that was her hope
but she couldn't make a man love
and so she taught her children
what love wasn't but labeled it as what love was
in hopes that they would feel
like they had grown up
in a loving environment
but as adults they struggled
their relationships never lasting
because love had always been
half hearted attempts on holidays and birth days
but cruel words and inattention the rest of the year
it had been painful and loud
never soft and easy
It takes a lot to peel off the label of love
and realize that jar you'd been given
was a misprint
it took them years even a lifetime
to rebuild an idea of love
into something that was true
Dec 26, 2018
Dec 26, 2018 at 4:14 PM UTC
Falling in love with him terrifies me
But not because I am scared of heartbreak
Her and I are quite intimate
I fear that this is the last first
last first date
last first kiss
last first I love you
mumbled from nervous lips
I worry that we will fall so deep into each other
that we won't be complete without the other
He might just be
the love of my life
and I don't know if I am ready for that
Dec 11, 2018
Dec 11, 2018 at 4:26 PM UTC
I look up
to the cliff above*
sigh*
I turned around
and shook my head
I can't
there's no way
even if I climb it
I couldn't get down
the water isn't deep enough
the sides are too steep
So in silence we sat
watching the waves roll in
letting the silence
consume the space between us
Until he said
yeah you really couldn't
I mean maybe I could
but not you
I was taken aback
how dare he say I can't
I could do anything
if I want to
I looked back up
at the perilous slopes
back down
at the waves crashing into sea boulders
And I stood up
grabbed by bags
and started my journey
to the top
Because no fear
would stand in the way
and absolutely no one
could tell me I was incapable
Dec 7, 2018
Dec 7, 2018 at 5:49 PM UTC
Is falling into love worth it
when you can't swim
and the water is infested with sharks
Dec 7, 2018
Dec 7, 2018 at 5:39 PM UTC
I know that we can not be
any version of us
will just end with shattered hearts
and missing pieces
I tell myself I am happy
to have a friend like him
someone to share poems with
to share ideas with
I tell my friends
that I don't want to be with him
that it could simply never be
him and I will never work
But every time he leaves
I feel an emptiness
in my chest
a hollow part of me
He fills this void
In a way I have never felt before
and even though I say no
my heart is screaming yes
So I quietly pursue a relationship
I know will destroy me
just so I can feel whole
If only for a minute
Dec 4, 2018
Dec 4, 2018 at 8:50 PM UTC