heidi-kalloo - Hello Poetry

bat on the ceiling watching the cool kids smoke I feel myself divided by the porch light into everything, nothing, and the bat on the ceiling 12 minutes closer to death by the cool kids smoke, sweet, lips that can kiss and wish death on me smiling watching kids smoke. have you felt death before? Penetrating deeply inside falling like light falls different depending on which eyes are watching? you are the boy smiling in the morning reading at the coffee shop I am the boy walking by you. which shade of black did you see in me? was it any different upside down? I came out tonight to watch you smoking something sweet maybe smiling sleepy I close my eyes but the light comes through Penetrating whether I said yes or not. what shade of black is the blackest, and will your answer change depending on whether you are lying prone or upended? every time I wake up I am different depending on the light that day. I want to sleep and know whether you are smoking sweetly or sour smiling wishing death on me, I want to know for certain that the color I am seeing is the black that is blackest. I want to go to sleep knowing I won’t wake up hanging upside down from the ceiling blacker than I was before knowing you won’t turn on the lights to see me hanging from the ceiling **** running down my legs eyes bulging blackest I have ever been. I want no light to penetrate me whether or not I say yes not saying or kissing or smoking or smiling anymore.

0

Sep 23, 2016

Sep 23, 2016 at 1:03 AM UTC

upside down

bat on the ceiling watching the cool kids smoke I feel myself divided by the porch light into everything, nothing, and the bat on the ceiling 12 minutes closer to death by the cool kids smoke, sweet, lips that can kiss and wish death on me smiling watching kids smoke. have you felt death before? Penetrating deeply inside falling like light falls different depending on which eyes are watching? you are the boy smiling in the morning reading at the coffee shop I am the boy walking by you. which shade of black did you see in me? was it any different upside down? I came out tonight to watch you smoking something sweet maybe smiling sleepy I close my eyes but the light comes through Penetrating whether I said yes or not. what shade of black is the blackest, and will your answer change depending on whether you are lying prone or upended? every time I wake up I am different depending on the light that day. I want to sleep and know whether you are smoking sweetly or sour smiling wishing death on me, I want to know for certain that the color I am seeing is the black that is blackest. I want to go to sleep knowing I won’t wake up hanging upside down from the ceiling blacker than I was before knowing you won’t turn on the lights to see me hanging from the ceiling **** running down my legs eyes bulging blackest I have ever been. I want no light to penetrate me whether or not I say yes not saying or kissing or smoking or smiling anymore.

57

Last night you were inside Of somebody else, How was that? Was that a perfect fit Like a wet puzzle piece you have to force in Did it get better than Mediocre at best Did it reach the levels Of tantric ******** hours Did she taste like spaghetti? Savoring the bit of yourself you spit out just for her, Did she lick up every last drop? I want to know. You wouldn't tell me, You said, You didn't want to compare, I think, That's a baad, baad sign.

0

Aug 23, 2016

Aug 23, 2016 at 1:46 AM UTC

I Know It Doesn’t Matter Anymore But, Did You Use a ******

Last night you were inside Of somebody else, How was that? Was that a perfect fit Like a wet puzzle piece you have to force in Did it get better than Mediocre at best Did it reach the levels Of tantric ******** hours Did she taste like spaghetti? Savoring the bit of yourself you spit out just for her, Did she lick up every last drop? I want to know. You wouldn't tell me, You said, You didn't want to compare, I think, That's a baad, baad sign.

18

I guess if it was just about *** for you, You would have ****** me and Left, right? And the fact that you Didn't do that. And that you Called me back late at night To sign up for abstaining From something we both Really like means Something About the way you feel about me? I have a feeling it does, Considering the way, You kissed me before you left The other night And turned from the door To tell me to look right at me and Tell me that you Loved me And that you Hoped I believed you -How are you feeling now, about this? (no reply) Another thing is when you told me that you warned me that feelings might fade while I’m away, which is 2,875 miles and for 71 days which is a long time and far far away another is when you said quite matterfactly that what with the way you felt now that wasn’t an issue anymore -How are you feeling now, about that? (no reply) Even if it happens that's ok all I can say is “ok ” and continue on with my life so the stakes aren’t so high as they feel in the bottom of my stomach pointing up to puncture if I exhale deeply so it’s ok, for that to happen it’s ok for you to fall in love while I’m away, in a way it would be a little like a premature death, plenty unfair and filled with sadness but also with the relief of absence, of the weight of the potential of something newborn, lifted. you don't have to care for you don't have to raise a dead baby. How are you going to feel about (this) (that) me? (no reply)

0

Aug 23, 2016

Aug 23, 2016 at 1:42 AM UTC

How Are You Feeling Now?

I guess if it was just about *** for you, You would have ****** me and Left, right? And the fact that you Didn't do that. And that you Called me back late at night To sign up for abstaining From something we both Really like means Something About the way you feel about me? I have a feeling it does, Considering the way, You kissed me before you left The other night And turned from the door To tell me to look right at me and Tell me that you Loved me And that you Hoped I believed you -How are you feeling now, about this? (no reply) Another thing is when you told me that you warned me that feelings might fade while I’m away, which is 2,875 miles and for 71 days which is a long time and far far away another is when you said quite matterfactly that what with the way you felt now that wasn’t an issue anymore -How are you feeling now, about that? (no reply) Even if it happens that's ok all I can say is “ok ” and continue on with my life so the stakes aren’t so high as they feel in the bottom of my stomach pointing up to puncture if I exhale deeply so it’s ok, for that to happen it’s ok for you to fall in love while I’m away, in a way it would be a little like a premature death, plenty unfair and filled with sadness but also with the relief of absence, of the weight of the potential of something newborn, lifted. you don't have to care for you don't have to raise a dead baby. How are you going to feel about (this) (that) me? (no reply)

63

You thought I was easy but in reality I’m the world’s most complex puzzle and the deepest labyrinth you can’t possibly hope to hit the end but you can try baby you can angle my body and my mind in any way you want to and by all or any means give it your hardest hit. But I’m very flexible, I can bend endlessly to match your bends and are you really big enough? I guess we’ll see

0

Aug 4, 2016

Aug 4, 2016 at 4:18 AM UTC

labyrinthine

You thought I was easy but in reality I’m the world’s most complex puzzle and the deepest labyrinth you can’t possibly hope to hit the end but you can try baby you can angle my body and my mind in any way you want to and by all or any means give it your hardest hit. But I’m very flexible, I can bend endlessly to match your bends and are you really big enough? I guess we’ll see

1

I wish my hair weren’t so big I wish I could live for a second like a testament to the fact I wasn't alive I wanna be invisible I wanna be a better me who pays her parking tickets who never ever ever let you know me from Jack. I’d be so cold I’d be somebody you didn’t know somebody who’s letter you left alone and who you gave a **** about. One day I’ll put you in a story and everyone will know you’re dirt on the ground alcoholic ***** and a sad mistake.

0

Aug 4, 2016

Aug 4, 2016 at 4:16 AM UTC

Hair

I wish my hair weren’t so big I wish I could live for a second like a testament to the fact I wasn't alive I wanna be invisible I wanna be a better me who pays her parking tickets who never ever ever let you know me from Jack. I’d be so cold I’d be somebody you didn’t know somebody who’s letter you left alone and who you gave a **** about. One day I’ll put you in a story and everyone will know you’re dirt on the ground alcoholic ***** and a sad mistake.

1

I see my body in the night against white sheets like a dark shadow there’s a pale face in the window illuminated by the porch lights my throat’s closed up with shock so I can’t scream he’s absolute stillness eyes wide watching me the darkness all around him starts to melt and move I’m frozen in the bed When I was little I used to have escape plans steps in my mind to play out the moment the windows break or the doorknob starts to turn I’d hide in the hamper under the clothes when I woke up from a nightmare I’d run to my mom’s room and get in her bed Now I’m grown up so I live alone and I have nowhere to run and nobody to save me so I don’t run or scream I just lay there looking back what else can I do

0

Aug 4, 2016

Aug 4, 2016 at 4:16 AM UTC

white sheets

I see my body in the night against white sheets like a dark shadow there’s a pale face in the window illuminated by the porch lights my throat’s closed up with shock so I can’t scream he’s absolute stillness eyes wide watching me the darkness all around him starts to melt and move I’m frozen in the bed When I was little I used to have escape plans steps in my mind to play out the moment the windows break or the doorknob starts to turn I’d hide in the hamper under the clothes when I woke up from a nightmare I’d run to my mom’s room and get in her bed Now I’m grown up so I live alone and I have nowhere to run and nobody to save me so I don’t run or scream I just lay there looking back what else can I do

3

I don’t smoke So much anymore Even when he’s Chain smoking in The seat next to me I don’t Smoke So much anymore

0

Aug 4, 2016

Aug 4, 2016 at 4:00 AM UTC

Untitled

I don’t smoke So much anymore Even when he’s Chain smoking in The seat next to me I don’t Smoke So much anymore

8

we ditched the main path and ran up the mountain bike trail, gained some elevation, we found the rusted remains of a car wreck off the side of the trail that must have been sixty years old. afterwards we shared nachos and modelo especial, that was nice. my body was wrapped in the warm pink blanket rocking on the wicker chair as you paced back and forth on the front of the porch and I couldn’t hear the devil speaking from between your lips because my eyes were softly shut, my being a blind cloud floating softly in the nighttime cigarette smoke, the part of me you were trying to hurt was the insides floated out, just a cloud watching the clear night sky and the cupid's arrows and the knives hurling back and forth back and forth blew right through me, because I was somewhere else. but babe you are so sharp! so I came back together to run inside and grab my pocket knife, I sat down on the steps by the side of the porch where you couldn’t see me but you could and sliced a dramatic **** on my right thigh 13 cm length 5 mm width the blood flowed fantastically, unexpectedly fast dark and shocking, trickling down my leg just like when you come inside me and I stand up. I did it for the devil, and so you’d pause the devilry and take care of me which you know how I like and which you did, taking the blade from my hand putting an arm around me examining and cleaning the wound the blood staining your jeans pooling wasted on the concrete. later in the night I chucked the knife into the grass far away where it remained neglected till the morning when I came to collect it. you fall asleep so fast in my bed baby, even when the night’s been so bad, even when the moon’s out full and the clouds blown all away the devil floating softly ubiquitous. you start to sweat softly and small twitches play across you from the nightmares playing ubiquitous in your conscious unconscious I watch you sleep and watch the sweat collect in droplets on your skin thinking you look like a wet angel hoping you’ll never wake up I wonder, do abusers learn from their abusers how to hurt? the way you love baby the way you love it feels a lot like hurt

0

Aug 4, 2016

Aug 4, 2016 at 3:58 AM UTC

Hurt

we ditched the main path and ran up the mountain bike trail, gained some elevation, we found the rusted remains of a car wreck off the side of the trail that must have been sixty years old. afterwards we shared nachos and modelo especial, that was nice. my body was wrapped in the warm pink blanket rocking on the wicker chair as you paced back and forth on the front of the porch and I couldn’t hear the devil speaking from between your lips because my eyes were softly shut, my being a blind cloud floating softly in the nighttime cigarette smoke, the part of me you were trying to hurt was the insides floated out, just a cloud watching the clear night sky and the cupid's arrows and the knives hurling back and forth back and forth blew right through me, because I was somewhere else. but babe you are so sharp! so I came back together to run inside and grab my pocket knife, I sat down on the steps by the side of the porch where you couldn’t see me but you could and sliced a dramatic **** on my right thigh 13 cm length 5 mm width the blood flowed fantastically, unexpectedly fast dark and shocking, trickling down my leg just like when you come inside me and I stand up. I did it for the devil, and so you’d pause the devilry and take care of me which you know how I like and which you did, taking the blade from my hand putting an arm around me examining and cleaning the wound the blood staining your jeans pooling wasted on the concrete. later in the night I chucked the knife into the grass far away where it remained neglected till the morning when I came to collect it. you fall asleep so fast in my bed baby, even when the night’s been so bad, even when the moon’s out full and the clouds blown all away the devil floating softly ubiquitous. you start to sweat softly and small twitches play across you from the nightmares playing ubiquitous in your conscious unconscious I watch you sleep and watch the sweat collect in droplets on your skin thinking you look like a wet angel hoping you’ll never wake up I wonder, do abusers learn from their abusers how to hurt? the way you love baby the way you love it feels a lot like hurt

44

People act as though Evil is tangible truth And it infuriates me As if they know the Devil’s face like I do, Intimately, Know the meaning behind the fingers twisting your doorknob scaling up the side of your pajama pants hiding behind a mask of silence and night. People act as though hurt Is something that can be jailed Despite their lack of knowledge about the physics of locks and keys. The worst insult I can think of being called bad art being burnt up to ash in the fires.

0

Apr 6, 2016

Apr 6, 2016 at 1:49 PM UTC

Untitled

People act as though Evil is tangible truth And it infuriates me As if they know the Devil’s face like I do, Intimately, Know the meaning behind the fingers twisting your doorknob scaling up the side of your pajama pants hiding behind a mask of silence and night. People act as though hurt Is something that can be jailed Despite their lack of knowledge about the physics of locks and keys. The worst insult I can think of being called bad art being burnt up to ash in the fires.

18

If I was a provider of the content I like Like I wanted to be I’d never have gotten that Surgery that ****** up my mammary glands I’d gush a milky **** for all audiences Even the ones that knew me before I turned bad ***** And spoilt Even my great aunt and grandma and mom who have finally befriended me on Facebook The ***** in me covers up and cuts off these Lady parts But I heat up and cant hide The spark in my eyes when I see a girl Unafraid of her ****** Wearing lingerie on IG Feminism to me is radical or bust Is ********* your ****** ****** and Taking lots of pictures as proof Of your own ****** occurrence, Reposting if I get taken down, Moderator of my own **** self.

0

Apr 6, 2016

Apr 6, 2016 at 1:48 PM UTC

dank lady meme

If I was a provider of the content I like Like I wanted to be I’d never have gotten that Surgery that ****** up my mammary glands I’d gush a milky **** for all audiences Even the ones that knew me before I turned bad ***** And spoilt Even my great aunt and grandma and mom who have finally befriended me on Facebook The ***** in me covers up and cuts off these Lady parts But I heat up and cant hide The spark in my eyes when I see a girl Unafraid of her ****** Wearing lingerie on IG Feminism to me is radical or bust Is ********* your ****** ****** and Taking lots of pictures as proof Of your own ****** occurrence, Reposting if I get taken down, Moderator of my own **** self.

21