We are mistakes
We are apologies
We are saying sorry when we don't mean it, we need it,
Someone else should say it for a change
We are “it's okay”
“Of course it's ok”
We are “My bad”
Creating excuses from the vibrant corners of our mind
The only parts that aren't dusty with misuse
We are dependent, if nothing else
We are unhappy if you're unhappy,
Our feelings are a bed of nails that only admit to being a bed,
Because of course as long as you're careful you won't get hurt.
Our ears are pressed to the carpet,
Listening to your every move,
Keeping a tally of missteps that
we won't ever tell you you took
We are quiet
Until prying our own chapped lips open,
we are apologetic,
We are every bottled up “I hate you”
And “go to hell”
And **** you” that we never got to say
And we keep it down, swallow it whole, refuse to breathe so it can't escape, be sure it can never escape
Because, like a moth flies towards the light, we are always flying towards resolution
Nevermind our feelings,
We will be ok,
Are you ok?
We're happy if you're happy, after all.
And then they come and sew our mouths shut,
Pat us on the head, so we know we are the ones at fault,
They say “shh” because our words are too sharp for their ears,
And god forbid they bleed instead of us
Isn't that the point of it all?
We are your shields and you can never be rid of us,
Like every hair on your body,
We stand up when fear takes over,
Like every shiver in cold,
We will attempt to bring you back to normal,
Like every single time the moon falls,
We will be back to shine in your darkness
We are underestimated
We are under acknowledged
Under viewed
Under appreciated
Under valued
But we know we are not unused or unloved
We are not understood either,
But understanding is an understatement when it comes to us
We are every moment you need a friend and
Every time a friend needs a moment
We are the impenetrable armor that everyone wish they had in their army
We are the gun, too
Loaded, but never fired
Saving ourselves for the right time
Apr 11, 2018
Apr 11, 2018 at 4:23 PM UTC
My best friend doesnt understand and
that is the saddest thing I can think of.
I told her I want someone to tell me that my feelings are valid, that his feelings are valid, I don't want anyone to take my side anymore, I don't want anyone to tell me he's crazy, or he's an alcoholic, or that I'm in a "weird position".
Friends can't help but take their friends' side when in an argument with anyone, but I don't want sides anymore I just want confirmation that I'm not ******* crazy.
I just want to tell someone what's going on. Period. End of story. I just want someone to purely listen, don't say what they think they should, view it with an outsiders perspective, and don't try to change anything, don't try to understand because you don't, but just try to listen.
I just don't want to talk to someone in fear that they will try to intervene, that they will try to fix something. And for some reason I see that as a bad thing, and its because I don't want to make him mad. Because telling someone how I feel would be telling them that I'm scared when he's been drinking. And nothing good comes out of that.
I really think if he just stopped drinking we could be ok, but I don't know how to make that happen. I just want to be ******* happy again is that so much to ask?
Jan 26, 2018
Jan 26, 2018 at 8:35 AM UTC
I thought it was gonna be good
i was wrong
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 6:41 PM UTC
why should he deserve something that i worked so hard to have?
because life isnt fair
why should i be expected to just be ok with the fact that i participated more and yet he still gets the spot?
because life isnt fair
i spent 5 months perfecting my piece, spending full saturdays performing for strangers, while he did not, while he performed for one teacher once a-freaking-week, and yet im not enough?
because life isnt fair
i forgot;
im not gay
im not a guy
and im not a girl performing from a guys perspective
he is gay, a guy, and a guy performing from a girls perspective, though
much more likely to win with a piece like that
because no one wants to hear,
or rather, everyone has already heard
the white girl cry about how hard it is to be a girl
my bad, i forgot that life isnt fair
whoops
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 6:37 PM UTC
It feels like for every good day there's enough bad in 1 hour to **** all the good out of my life.
Maybe if you'd just stop ******* smoking and drinking things might be ok, because we only ever have problems when you're not sober.
And you for some reason can't see that as the issue but ******* it really is and every time I hear you walk or laugh or say a single word while you're under the influence I cringe because I'm ******* scared you'll say anything to me and I'll go to bed
Crying again
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 8:39 PM UTC
Paul texted me how disappointed he was in me at 7am
At 5am Milk texted me about how upset and betrayed he feels by me
I've just been laying in bed crying
all morning (oh my god its 1:26pm)
I'm hungry but also don't want to eat
at all
My head feels empty but also like its gonna explode
When I woke up I almost puked
My throat hurts from screaming and crying last night
I don't know what I want anyone to say
Really
Jan 12, 2018
Jan 12, 2018 at 2:27 PM UTC
1. Ice falling into a glass
2. The opening of a diet coke can
3. Him stomping
4. Him sitting in the chair in the kitchen
5. Him coming close to my door
6. Him going to the bathroom outside my room
7. Loud music after 9pm
8. Him talking
9. Him screaming
10. Him laughing
11. Him breathing
12-infinity. Any association that reminds me of home 3 years ago
And this isnt to say hes an alcoholic its just to say that when he drinks I view him as the monster my mom made me think he was and although I know he's a good man I can't help but go right back to being scared in my room, hearing them yell at each other in the other room and you know I have never honestly said that I have been abused but I have been abused. Emotionally, psychologically. I love this man but he also scares me to death and that isn't fair. I'm going to model my parenting after everything my parents weren't and I can't wait to be a mom just to see my child be so much better off than I am.
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 12:37 AM UTC
How to describe something so normal yet strange - I don't know.
She laughs at everything,
even though her eyes tell a different story -
her eyes seem tired, relaxed-
but when she speaks, full of life, radiant,
somehow wanting more than the
situation
has to offer.
He quietly strokes her arm, and in the silence there is a wonderful peace that is spread across her face, a faint smile still stains her lips, but otherwise she is blissfully sleeping.
That is,
until his hand starts moving across her body,
to her other arm
her wrist
her hand
her hand
her stomach
her hand
her arm
her stomach.
In her state, a finger near a belly button is enough to set off the fireworks
that had been lit hours before,
in a fit of smoke,
ignited by the words, "another hit?" *
Jun 1, 2017
Jun 1, 2017 at 10:05 PM UTC
I'm trying so hard not to think because once I do I can hear what is going on around me and I'm trying so hard not to think because once I don't I can't hear what is going on inside me
If nothing else, I'll miss my friends
If nothing else, I'll tell him how I feel
If nothing else, I'll give myself to people who I've spent more than half my life with and I'll leave me with us here, miles and miles away from a new place I'll call "home"
Jan 29, 2017
Jan 29, 2017 at 11:00 PM UTC
It's been a while since I wrote,
Since I usually only write when I'm struggling
And lately ive not been struggling
Since my mom moved out and I moved back in
Since I became tired of school
Since I became normal
I'm sick of being normal
I want to be on an extreme
I want to be depressed
I want to be elated
Ive felt both sides of the spectrum and I'm bored of being nothing special anymore
I'm sick of doing nothing all day because I find it relaxing
I'm sick of talking to strangers all night because the people in my life in front of me don't entertain me anymore.
Wife me up is a weird phrase, isn't it?
Spanish class shouldn't be this boring
Why can't he be my own age? And not make bad choices, like me?
I'm the bad choice, not the one who makes bad choices
I think
I'm sick of saying "I think" and people accepting that as fact and being okay with the fact that nothing is definite
Life me up, please
Jan 11, 2017
Jan 11, 2017 at 5:45 PM UTC