hannah1221 - Hello Poetry

Remembering the first time you kissed me kinda hurts Because you never asked if I wanted it It's strange that where we came from is a place of such pain Such malice and misunderstanding The floor there is still stained from my tears Same with your pillow cases And my old tee shirts (do you remember the first time you cried on me?) I do I visit sometimes Lay down in the soft embrace of your cat haired covered sheets (we have the same sheets) Close my eyes and feel your weight I don't resent you anymore I never would've resented you if I'd known you back then But I didn't I knew black slacks An Iron Maiden tee (I have the same one) A [REDACTED] license plate I open my eyes and You walk in with a pizza (Dominos, they had a 50% promotion) It has sausage and spinach on your half Mushrooms and green olives on mine I'm glad I know you now

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Jun 16, 2023

Jun 16, 2023 at 3:27 PM UTC

Some Odd Number of Days

Remembering the first time you kissed me kinda hurts Because you never asked if I wanted it It's strange that where we came from is a place of such pain Such malice and misunderstanding The floor there is still stained from my tears Same with your pillow cases And my old tee shirts (do you remember the first time you cried on me?) I do I visit sometimes Lay down in the soft embrace of your cat haired covered sheets (we have the same sheets) Close my eyes and feel your weight I don't resent you anymore I never would've resented you if I'd known you back then But I didn't I knew black slacks An Iron Maiden tee (I have the same one) A [REDACTED] license plate I open my eyes and You walk in with a pizza (Dominos, they had a 50% promotion) It has sausage and spinach on your half Mushrooms and green olives on mine I'm glad I know you now

26

Loving you is knowing I'll have to let you go someday Loving you is accepting heartbreak Loving you is bearing the weight of our end and bearing it gladly Loving you is crying in your arms my ears full of your soft comforting words my head full of wondering when I'll hear your voice for the last time Loving you is that crushing feeling that knot that forms in my throat when I think about you not loving me anymore Loving you is knowing you'll find someone else someday and love them how you loved me Loving you is picturing your wedding day putting myself in the place of a bride I know I won't be Loving you is begging the world with all of my soul that I get to love you as long as I can Loving you is facing a world after you Loving you is kissing you on the cheek one last time Loving you darling is letting you go

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May 2, 2023

May 2, 2023 at 11:36 AM UTC

Loving You

Loving you is knowing I'll have to let you go someday Loving you is accepting heartbreak Loving you is bearing the weight of our end and bearing it gladly Loving you is crying in your arms my ears full of your soft comforting words my head full of wondering when I'll hear your voice for the last time Loving you is that crushing feeling that knot that forms in my throat when I think about you not loving me anymore Loving you is knowing you'll find someone else someday and love them how you loved me Loving you is picturing your wedding day putting myself in the place of a bride I know I won't be Loving you is begging the world with all of my soul that I get to love you as long as I can Loving you is facing a world after you Loving you is kissing you on the cheek one last time Loving you darling is letting you go

34

You're my muse I think When all I can hear is the buzz of the AC And the echo of my fingers on a keyboard You're my muse You fill my head with lovely things And scary things Kisses and fingertips Brushing against my scalp Your tears sinking into my t-shirt My tears staining my pillows black I'm scared sometimes By how much I want you I daydream of driving to Chicago And seeing your old house Looking at the flakes of crumbling paint Looking at the forgotten or perhaps repressed parts of you I crave knowing you like that You're guarded And I don't blame you But I wish I could lick your wounds The ones that still ache when it gets cold at night Long closed up but never quite healed You're guarded I want you to let it down Let me see the side of you I saw by the river that night The side I see in your pictures online Like the one of you laying on your back on a rock I remember the story of that one Is it so bad To want to know you so well I could crawl inside your skin Walk around as you for a day And no one would notice the difference I don't think it's so bad Do you?

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Apr 19, 2023

Apr 19, 2023 at 10:00 AM UTC

Do You?

You're my muse I think When all I can hear is the buzz of the AC And the echo of my fingers on a keyboard You're my muse You fill my head with lovely things And scary things Kisses and fingertips Brushing against my scalp Your tears sinking into my t-shirt My tears staining my pillows black I'm scared sometimes By how much I want you I daydream of driving to Chicago And seeing your old house Looking at the flakes of crumbling paint Looking at the forgotten or perhaps repressed parts of you I crave knowing you like that You're guarded And I don't blame you But I wish I could lick your wounds The ones that still ache when it gets cold at night Long closed up but never quite healed You're guarded I want you to let it down Let me see the side of you I saw by the river that night The side I see in your pictures online Like the one of you laying on your back on a rock I remember the story of that one Is it so bad To want to know you so well I could crawl inside your skin Walk around as you for a day And no one would notice the difference I don't think it's so bad Do you?

36

Nothing tastes right. I can hear people talking around me but their voices never quite touch me. I’m alone in here In this empty room I watch a tv screen It’s the only light in here It’s what I see through the eyes of this body. They’re all watching me walk Watching how I move but it’s not me. The person walking through the world is not me. It’s a prison. It’s a life sentence. I can laugh when I forget about my body When it’s just me and a screen Seen through a screen Is this what I wished for the end I can’t escape from? are my prayers finally answered? Will this be the end? I don’t know if I’m ready If I ever even was Maybe I really did want to get better

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Feb 10, 2023

Feb 10, 2023 at 1:35 PM UTC

Buffalo Chicken

Nothing tastes right. I can hear people talking around me but their voices never quite touch me. I’m alone in here In this empty room I watch a tv screen It’s the only light in here It’s what I see through the eyes of this body. They’re all watching me walk Watching how I move but it’s not me. The person walking through the world is not me. It’s a prison. It’s a life sentence. I can laugh when I forget about my body When it’s just me and a screen Seen through a screen Is this what I wished for the end I can’t escape from? are my prayers finally answered? Will this be the end? I don’t know if I’m ready If I ever even was Maybe I really did want to get better

22

Your soft lips A wet caress Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes And something faintly spiced The softness of your hands on my hips Your stomach and chest pressed against mine Breathing into each other Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear Domestically in love

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Feb 5, 2023

Feb 5, 2023 at 11:10 PM UTC

He Tastes Like Cigarettes

Your soft lips A wet caress Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes And something faintly spiced The softness of your hands on my hips Your stomach and chest pressed against mine Breathing into each other Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear Domestically in love

9

Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse is not some inherent part of me but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma changed the game. I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships. I seek them because I was taught by men I thought I loved in my formative years that abuse is love. That sexually traumatizing behaviors are what I want, what I'm attracted to. I have always known that this was not normal but I thought it was my fault. I thought this was who I am. Realizing that I am a product of my environment, an environment of cruel, **** addicted men who provided me with my first impression of a thing called love, reminded me that that was my "nurture". And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me That I thought it -was- me. But it wasn't. I'm not broken, actually. The associations my young brain has formed between intimacy and violence are not final, nor are they true. They've led me to seek out the worst of men the worst of everyone, but I have a choice in this. I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable. Their guilt is their own. Their "nurture" is their cross to bear. I do not have to tolerate their behavior, I do not have to seek it out. I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it, that I deserve it, that I want or need it. I do not have to center myself or my happiness around being in a relationship with an abusive man, a relationship that distresses me to the point of suicidal ideation. I am the master of the universe that is my mind I can create my own nurture, true nurture, and discover what love actually is to me. Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused made me realize I did not choose for that to happen or for the resulting trauma to develop. But I do choose this. I choose to heal.

0

Jan 18, 2023

Jan 18, 2023 at 7:25 PM UTC

*** Slave

Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse is not some inherent part of me but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma changed the game. I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships. I seek them because I was taught by men I thought I loved in my formative years that abuse is love. That sexually traumatizing behaviors are what I want, what I'm attracted to. I have always known that this was not normal but I thought it was my fault. I thought this was who I am. Realizing that I am a product of my environment, an environment of cruel, **** addicted men who provided me with my first impression of a thing called love, reminded me that that was my "nurture". And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me That I thought it -was- me. But it wasn't. I'm not broken, actually. The associations my young brain has formed between intimacy and violence are not final, nor are they true. They've led me to seek out the worst of men the worst of everyone, but I have a choice in this. I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable. Their guilt is their own. Their "nurture" is their cross to bear. I do not have to tolerate their behavior, I do not have to seek it out. I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it, that I deserve it, that I want or need it. I do not have to center myself or my happiness around being in a relationship with an abusive man, a relationship that distresses me to the point of suicidal ideation. I am the master of the universe that is my mind I can create my own nurture, true nurture, and discover what love actually is to me. Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused made me realize I did not choose for that to happen or for the resulting trauma to develop. But I do choose this. I choose to heal.

58

I miss walking to your car Wildly undressed For the weather As always Yet radiant in the snow Always scanning the backs of cars For your Illinois plate Reminded every time That you’re a city kid Probably much too cool for me You step outside your car Even though it’s cold And you’re stepping into slush The crud that cakes up in the parking lot I miss seeing your face That catlike smile As I speed walk across asphalt Smiling myself Hard enough to make my cheeks sore But there’s not a care in the world When I crash into your arms The air is cold but you are warm My heart gets wrapped up In a tight cocoon of you Then we break and you say We should get in your car It’s cold and I left my coat again Then I’m in your passenger seat You’re offering me matcha candy Or maybe just looking at me With those bedroom eyes Dark behind your glasses Yet lit up all the same I miss that sweet first kiss The soft heat of your lips Pressed up against mine Gentle and hungry A restrained fever of want Given away by your hand on my cheek Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back Gazing at me like I’m something To be savored Cherished and mouthed at The tender want in your eyes That I miss The moment you look away

0

Jan 13, 2023

Jan 13, 2023 at 11:38 PM UTC

Things That I Miss

I miss walking to your car Wildly undressed For the weather As always Yet radiant in the snow Always scanning the backs of cars For your Illinois plate Reminded every time That you’re a city kid Probably much too cool for me You step outside your car Even though it’s cold And you’re stepping into slush The crud that cakes up in the parking lot I miss seeing your face That catlike smile As I speed walk across asphalt Smiling myself Hard enough to make my cheeks sore But there’s not a care in the world When I crash into your arms The air is cold but you are warm My heart gets wrapped up In a tight cocoon of you Then we break and you say We should get in your car It’s cold and I left my coat again Then I’m in your passenger seat You’re offering me matcha candy Or maybe just looking at me With those bedroom eyes Dark behind your glasses Yet lit up all the same I miss that sweet first kiss The soft heat of your lips Pressed up against mine Gentle and hungry A restrained fever of want Given away by your hand on my cheek Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back Gazing at me like I’m something To be savored Cherished and mouthed at The tender want in your eyes That I miss The moment you look away

46

You were my teenage love story The real one You were my ride or die My forever and ever My messy pile of clothes That drifted into yours My old sweater That came down to strings in the end We were still children, really Overgrown children still not quite big enough To fit into these adult clothes Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and "I promise I'll never leave" So excited about the colors And our feelings bursting forth That fitting didn't matter I'm sorry we bought that chair I know it's burned by now It went up in a blaze In your best friend's grandma's backyard I close my eyes and see the tears on your face Reflecting the rising ashes and flames I hope you cursed me For me to become a distant memory Some far away faded thing A leftover pile of string Is the best fate I can have for you Our end was abrupt In the way stories written by a child's hand can be Trailing on and on and on A fit of passion Crazed and somehow beautiful Trailing off To An incomplete ending An unfinished sen

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Jan 13, 2023

Jan 13, 2023 at 1:43 PM UTC

This Is What Childhood Dreams Grow Up To Be

You were my teenage love story The real one You were my ride or die My forever and ever My messy pile of clothes That drifted into yours My old sweater That came down to strings in the end We were still children, really Overgrown children still not quite big enough To fit into these adult clothes Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and "I promise I'll never leave" So excited about the colors And our feelings bursting forth That fitting didn't matter I'm sorry we bought that chair I know it's burned by now It went up in a blaze In your best friend's grandma's backyard I close my eyes and see the tears on your face Reflecting the rising ashes and flames I hope you cursed me For me to become a distant memory Some far away faded thing A leftover pile of string Is the best fate I can have for you Our end was abrupt In the way stories written by a child's hand can be Trailing on and on and on A fit of passion Crazed and somehow beautiful Trailing off To An incomplete ending An unfinished sen

36

We will both feel pride On this day Far, far in the future Or maybe not too far at all Your song is on the radio In the background of a show The beat that people in glittering outfits Let go of control to You're holding your lover's hand Or perhaps alone That familiar bump of feeling Bitter pride Resentment Melancholy regret The ghost of hope The ghost of the part of you That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed And I'm sitting With my headphones in Listening to your voice That same bump of feeling That same ghost, now brought to life I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me Now I'm glad you're free

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Dec 27, 2022

Dec 27, 2022 at 6:08 PM UTC

Dawn

We will both feel pride On this day Far, far in the future Or maybe not too far at all Your song is on the radio In the background of a show The beat that people in glittering outfits Let go of control to You're holding your lover's hand Or perhaps alone That familiar bump of feeling Bitter pride Resentment Melancholy regret The ghost of hope The ghost of the part of you That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed And I'm sitting With my headphones in Listening to your voice That same bump of feeling That same ghost, now brought to life I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me Now I'm glad you're free

24

You are all here dancing 'Round my insides Like dizzy stars Haunting me My lovely ghosts And I know I'm innocent Innocent as any of you Innocent as the Northern Lights But you're all still here Scars on my stomach lining Chips in my ribs Pressing kisses to my esophagus That make me choke I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die And even once we part from my body We will mingle in the stars Maybe then you will have what you want You can tear apart all the pieces that were me Destroy me like I destroyed you A cosmic apology A cosmic goodbye

0

Dec 26, 2022

Dec 26, 2022 at 9:08 PM UTC

Meanwhile, In The Cosmos...

You are all here dancing 'Round my insides Like dizzy stars Haunting me My lovely ghosts And I know I'm innocent Innocent as any of you Innocent as the Northern Lights But you're all still here Scars on my stomach lining Chips in my ribs Pressing kisses to my esophagus That make me choke I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die And even once we part from my body We will mingle in the stars Maybe then you will have what you want You can tear apart all the pieces that were me Destroy me like I destroyed you A cosmic apology A cosmic goodbye

21