hannah-rutherford
Hannah. It means graceful and calm, like a dancers swift precise movements. She stays firmly planted in the pre-determined lines. She is obedient and kind, sweet and mellow. She is near perfect, but she isn’t me. / I am clumsy and untamed, like a burst of lightening detained in society’s shackles. I am a mess of color on the paper. I am your dream or your nightmare. Sweet but free, a soul carried in by the wind. I am galaxies away from perfect but I am me.
With tear filled eyes
I watch from a distance.
Time is passing
but I'm falling behind.
I'm just dust in the wind
don't worry
just keep driving.
Burn your bridges and earn your badges.
I'll be here in the past
nothing left but ashes.
Jan 11, 2014
Jan 11, 2014 at 4:50 PM UTC
November winds call to me.
I long to fly in the cold,
bone chilling air.
To make friends with the leaves
that dance around me.
To breathe in the fall
and exhale the winter.
These autumn nights
are attached to me,
and I to them.
This cold and me
we are a lot a like.
We both blow free in the wind
until winters dead end
stops us cold.
We live inside boundaries
and time slots;
yet we keep on pretending
that we are our own.
Though in reality
we are only just a season.
Lost souls riding on the breeze
searching for purpose and reason.
Nov 13, 2013
Nov 13, 2013 at 7:58 PM UTC
You don't see me dying,
and the part that kills me the most,
is that if you do,
you don't care enough
to try and save me.
So consumed by your selfish needs.
You don't even see you're tearing me apart.
You do this every time
and I can't take it anymore.
But I'm not fooling anyone.
I can't let go..
I remember times I couldn't bare to be apart.
Now far away is the only time I'm myself.
Im trying,
God I'm trying,
but I'm falling weak.
and you don't feel the need to stand up for me
when I have fallen down.
You say it all the time.
Every night and everyday.
"I love you."
These words that made me soar,
Now make me die a little every time.
Each and every touch
Like a deep slow slit across my heart.
And I am drowning in the hurt
pouring from the vein.
Please, oh please
spare me another fake apology.
I can't take it.
I really can't.
I need sincerity and a true difference.
I thought I might receive But now I see.
I won't get that here.
Not from this.. Not from you.
You use my love as your weapon
to drag me slowly into misery.
And I'm just waiting for the final blow.
My mind be a world.
Who's streets are cracked and broken.
Buildings,
walls, and all in between are crumbling.
There isn't any rain,
for I can not cry anymore.
Your cruel intentions,
a blazing fire.
To ignite my world;
then burn it till the end.
Burning and burning.
Flickering out into a spark.
The fire has settled
but hasn't left much.
What is left of me?
A burnt town of debris.
An abandoned hope rises into the streets.
Causing a distant whisper in the wind,
saying,
"Is there a soul to breathe life back into this shattered hell of a place?"
Wait, wait.
I shall keep this patience.
Until someone can take my hurt away.
May it be soon,
or days turn to eternity.
The most sad,
pathetic part is that I still long for it to be you
despite myself.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
How do I let this go?
Why is this pain the only thing the fire wouldn't melt away?
Swallow these feelings deep within?
Scream them in your face?
It wouldn't even make a difference.
I'm done trying to make you see.
I'm trying, God I'm trying to break free.
Release my heart from this death grip.
I was warned but didn't heed.
Now I find myself in this sea of despair.
What can I do without you here?
Exactly what I've done all along.
For I have always been alone.
I rest my head against that broken street.
Lying there, just lying there.
I'm trying, God I'm trying to feel again.
But there is nothing there.
A sharp pain disturbs this numbing.
I am blinded by this.
My eyes begin to focus
but all I can see is that broken street.
Yet, I can not see my body there any longer.
Am I alive?
Have I finally take the last shot?
Or am I simply caught in between.
In a state we call heartbreak?
Nov 12, 2013
Nov 12, 2013 at 4:22 PM UTC
I see these passing people,
passing phases,
passing time.
My mind feels so heavy.
so how can it be so hollow?
I hear my breathing,
somehow that is all.
Amongst the crowds life continues on.
I long to scream,
to fight,
to leave a mark,
to feel anything.
Anything at all.
Something.
Just something to remind me
I am still alive.
My heart beats on inside its bonds.
Streaming blood inside my veins.
My bottled up memories
are shattered on the floor.
Insignificant fragments
piercing the fragile tissue of my brain.
Dripping betrayal and regret
into the hollow chambers of my skull.
I see my life,
my pain,
my fate in everything around.
It whispers in the wind.
It reflects in the rain.
It's in the dirt.
It's in the earth.
I see these passing people,
passing phases,
passing time.
I realize I am nothing.
Nothing to them.
Still I want them to see.
See something,
just something
and remind me
I am still alive.
Nov 12, 2013
Nov 12, 2013 at 4:13 PM UTC
I fear sometimes,
I need reminding.
That not every person
Is intrigued
by the insignificance that excites me.
The things on my mind
roll off my tongue.
No contemplation
of my words.
I fear sometimes
I'll never be quiet.
Nov 12, 2013
Nov 12, 2013 at 2:47 PM UTC
Hannah.
It means graceful and calm,
like a dancers swift precise movements.
She stays firmly planted in the pre-determined lines.
She is obedient and kind,
sweet and mellow.
She is near perfect,
but she isn’t me.
I am clumsy and untamed,
like a burst of lightening detained in society’s shackles.
I am a mess of color on the paper.
I am your dream or your nightmare.
Sweet but free,
a soul carried in by the wind.
I am galaxies away from perfect
but I am me.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 6:23 PM UTC
Don’t beg me, don’t cry for me, don’t feel anything for me.
Love shouldn’t make me feel guilty.
Love is a bond not a trap.
A feeling not a lock.
When at a point as this I’d rather feel your hate.
I’m sick of worrying my pleading will be too late
Don’t doubt what we know was real.
Love grows slow
But with a rise
Always comes the demise
I’m hiding from my fear
I don’t wanna believe these threats are real
Don’t think I’m heartless
Just ‘cause I can’t feel
You can blame yourself
For creating the past
That robbed that ability from me
I just wanna be free.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 6:20 PM UTC
Deep complexity embedded in these thoughts
That weave their way through my nervous system.
Pressure rises in my chest.
Threatening to spill these feelings through my tightly sealed lips.
My mind continues to wrap itself in circles around the truth.
Attempting to form the words to explain how I feel.
I long to scream them.
To free them.
To let you know exactly what this means.
These days are growing shorter.
These sleepless nights are becoming longer and longer.
Tossing and turning.
Watching the minute hand pass
Oh too slowly.
The loudest sound in my head.
Echoing in the air.
Taunting me as it goes.
Moonlight shines through the window in a river of light
Casting lonely shadows on the wall.
Bringing to mind the darkness he portrayed.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 6:19 PM UTC
Clear is the rain that falls on the worst of days.
Like a teenage girl falling in love, it can only fall.
Mess with what it stands for
and its razor sharp edges will become clean crisp cuts to your ego.
Rain that pours in lines and patterns
-Not in nature’s straight lines of perfection.-
Can pour reality into your soul, make you see what I could not.
Protect and preserve the fragile hearts of ones she cares for.
They will not end up like her.
The transparent burst of hope carried in by the wind,
Trying to breathe life back into the shattered world that is her mind.
Clear was the honest warnings she subconsciously heard but failed to heed.
Clear was the patronizing, “I told you so.” In the back of her mind.
The translucent shade that was her nightmare,
Now prevails to be her one and only dream.
It has saved her, it has made her.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 6:17 PM UTC
I feel myself struggling.
Too much wall
not enough paint.
Trying to roll out enough of me
for everyone.
Crammed in between all the things I live for.
I'm gonna miss this
but I'm not gonna stop wanting that.
My roots are planted.
They won't budge.
My branches reach.
They tug and pull.
These feelings have made a tugging war of my soul.
If home is where the heart is,
why does mine love to venture?
It floats away and strays in the wind.
The little girl in me says stay
where you were raised.
The me i know best
says run.
Truth be told
this growing thing
is getting old.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 6:13 PM UTC