hannah-nickelle - Hello Poetry

Dear TAC, DLAP had made me scared enough to the point where I never thought I would love again, and when I finally allowed myself to, the day I told you that my heart would be forever in sync with yours, you pushed me away physically and told me that we were done for good. You broke my heart. It's been a year and you still make an impact on me everyday. That takes talent, and so does being as ignorant as you are. You don't really deserve to be happy because of all the people you've made unhappy but somehow you still get sleep at night. Dear CM, You were shy but the funniest person I knew, I must apologize for telling you I wasn't ready, but that was due to TAC. He is the real person that you deserve an apology for. Some days I still wish I would've never given up on you. But you deserve the world, and I believe you'll get that. Dear EM, I really did want so much with you.. You made me laugh with your cheesy compliments and your innocent smile. Thank you for being there when I found out what my mother had done. You healed my heart to a certain point and I will be forever grateful for that. Thank you so much for being you and I am so sorry that I told you I wasn't ready as well.. I miss you everyday and I hope sometimes you miss me too. Dear MC, I'm really not even sure what we have. There was no romance, only special benefits and little mixture of friendship. I will miss you when you go to college. Sometimes I wish you wanted more with me. Dear ZD, I don't even know where to begin. You're everything and nothing all at once. I don't understand what it is. Your voice or your eyes.. your eyes maybe. I thought you were my best friend. Although I had feelings for you, I tried to distance myself because I didn't want you to hurt me. But then you kissed my best friend and you didn't care how it effected me at all. I don't hate you although I would love to make her disappear. I hope only the best for you although you broke my heart.. the little I had left of it. Dear CL, I really tried to make you feel like I've been here but the truth is that I am more than beyond lost. My heart has disappeared and now there is just a hole in my chest cavity. I'm sorry that I cannot accept your comfort or let you have my heart the way you let me have yours. You'll make some special girl really happy someday and she will be very lucky. That girl, is not me.

0

Feb 17, 2016

Feb 17, 2016 at 3:03 PM UTC

the runaways pt 2

Dear TAC, DLAP had made me scared enough to the point where I never thought I would love again, and when I finally allowed myself to, the day I told you that my heart would be forever in sync with yours, you pushed me away physically and told me that we were done for good. You broke my heart. It's been a year and you still make an impact on me everyday. That takes talent, and so does being as ignorant as you are. You don't really deserve to be happy because of all the people you've made unhappy but somehow you still get sleep at night. Dear CM, You were shy but the funniest person I knew, I must apologize for telling you I wasn't ready, but that was due to TAC. He is the real person that you deserve an apology for. Some days I still wish I would've never given up on you. But you deserve the world, and I believe you'll get that. Dear EM, I really did want so much with you.. You made me laugh with your cheesy compliments and your innocent smile. Thank you for being there when I found out what my mother had done. You healed my heart to a certain point and I will be forever grateful for that. Thank you so much for being you and I am so sorry that I told you I wasn't ready as well.. I miss you everyday and I hope sometimes you miss me too. Dear MC, I'm really not even sure what we have. There was no romance, only special benefits and little mixture of friendship. I will miss you when you go to college. Sometimes I wish you wanted more with me. Dear ZD, I don't even know where to begin. You're everything and nothing all at once. I don't understand what it is. Your voice or your eyes.. your eyes maybe. I thought you were my best friend. Although I had feelings for you, I tried to distance myself because I didn't want you to hurt me. But then you kissed my best friend and you didn't care how it effected me at all. I don't hate you although I would love to make her disappear. I hope only the best for you although you broke my heart.. the little I had left of it. Dear CL, I really tried to make you feel like I've been here but the truth is that I am more than beyond lost. My heart has disappeared and now there is just a hole in my chest cavity. I'm sorry that I cannot accept your comfort or let you have my heart the way you let me have yours. You'll make some special girl really happy someday and she will be very lucky. That girl, is not me.

12

Its scary how words get lost in our bodies but in pure darkness they appear to haunt us forever.

0

May 18, 2015

May 18, 2015 at 9:59 AM UTC

Untitled

Its scary how words get lost in our bodies but in pure darkness they appear to haunt us forever.

1

It's hard to close my eyes at night, Hard not to listen to my screams that echo in my mind over and over, It's hard to slowly make it to the end of the pool where my feet don't touch, Maybe because I laid at the bottom of the pool almost lifeless wondering how being asked to go swimming was wrong, wondering how looking like my clueless mother was a sin, how being locked in a room with no food just because you didn't want to look at my face, watching you tear apart my childhood was easy, trying to live the rest of my life without a childhood is hard. But every time I allow myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, my childhood comes back in flashes, how every man must known what you did to a 4 year old, how many scars I can count on my body that you seemed to think was you claiming what was yours, watching my mother cry her eyes out over her child's brokenness, have you ever seen the moon from the bottom of the pool? Well I can tell you it wasn't the sight a five year wanted to see. But now a 16 year old sees it every time she closes her eyes.

0

Mar 25, 2015

Mar 25, 2015 at 10:34 AM UTC

Moon from the bottom of the pool

It's hard to close my eyes at night, Hard not to listen to my screams that echo in my mind over and over, It's hard to slowly make it to the end of the pool where my feet don't touch, Maybe because I laid at the bottom of the pool almost lifeless wondering how being asked to go swimming was wrong, wondering how looking like my clueless mother was a sin, how being locked in a room with no food just because you didn't want to look at my face, watching you tear apart my childhood was easy, trying to live the rest of my life without a childhood is hard. But every time I allow myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, my childhood comes back in flashes, how every man must known what you did to a 4 year old, how many scars I can count on my body that you seemed to think was you claiming what was yours, watching my mother cry her eyes out over her child's brokenness, have you ever seen the moon from the bottom of the pool? Well I can tell you it wasn't the sight a five year wanted to see. But now a 16 year old sees it every time she closes her eyes.

4

The first time I ever spoke to you was like an over dramatic panic attack. I kept looking at the floor and trying not to stumble over my words, I was shaking all over and trying not to let you notice the deep red shade slowing camping out in my cheeks as you said my name. I felt like a waterfall of cold sweat was poured over me as you asked me different questions. My poor heart couldn't take the high and low speeds you gave me as if you were in control of my stick shift body, you smiled at me as I spoke softly to you in murmurs trying to make sure I wasn't falling into a bottomless pit of stupidity. You kissed my lips and didn't let go that's when the wind was knocked out of my entire body and I felt as if my body was no longer made of muscles and bones but of jello and sticks. But I knew as soon as I heard your heartbeat that it was burned into my soul. My breathes didn't follow with my lungs but with yours, I couldn't see anyone but you. No matter who it was, no matter where was. All my eyes seen was you. My ears only listened to your voice, my hands only reached for your shaking body. No one falls in love with same. But I can try to explain what it's like for me everyday.

0

Feb 17, 2015

Feb 17, 2015 at 2:06 PM UTC

But I can try to explain it.

The first time I ever spoke to you was like an over dramatic panic attack. I kept looking at the floor and trying not to stumble over my words, I was shaking all over and trying not to let you notice the deep red shade slowing camping out in my cheeks as you said my name. I felt like a waterfall of cold sweat was poured over me as you asked me different questions. My poor heart couldn't take the high and low speeds you gave me as if you were in control of my stick shift body, you smiled at me as I spoke softly to you in murmurs trying to make sure I wasn't falling into a bottomless pit of stupidity. You kissed my lips and didn't let go that's when the wind was knocked out of my entire body and I felt as if my body was no longer made of muscles and bones but of jello and sticks. But I knew as soon as I heard your heartbeat that it was burned into my soul. My breathes didn't follow with my lungs but with yours, I couldn't see anyone but you. No matter who it was, no matter where was. All my eyes seen was you. My ears only listened to your voice, my hands only reached for your shaking body. No one falls in love with same. But I can try to explain what it's like for me everyday.

2

at 7 years old, I watched silently as the universe gave out and fell around my ankles there were no elegant stars dancing or galaxies moving in bright spirals it was just a morbid hole of darkness that had an odd sense of beauty it pulled me in the way Gatsby pulled Daisy in for their last dance there were no flowers in my hair or sparkles in my eyes there were blood stains on my favorite shirt and haunting scenes behind every blink now every time I close my eyes the demons follow me or he follows me and I guess you can just never escape darkness

0

Feb 11, 2015

Feb 11, 2015 at 9:10 PM UTC

I suppose this is dark, but so was my childhood

at 7 years old, I watched silently as the universe gave out and fell around my ankles there were no elegant stars dancing or galaxies moving in bright spirals it was just a morbid hole of darkness that had an odd sense of beauty it pulled me in the way Gatsby pulled Daisy in for their last dance there were no flowers in my hair or sparkles in my eyes there were blood stains on my favorite shirt and haunting scenes behind every blink now every time I close my eyes the demons follow me or he follows me and I guess you can just never escape darkness

13

I should have told you all the nights I cried myself to sleep because my walls were screaming harsh things, I should have told you about the days people looked me in the eyes and told me how ugly I was, or how didn't like how small I am, or how funny I talked, people didn't like how I murmured to myself because those voices in my head were the only people who cared, I should have told you about the times my voices went away and I couldn't act the same because I didn't know what to do, they helped me through a lot of lonely nights and tear ****** days, I should have told you about how much I wanted to leave your loving arms because you didn't see I was in pain. You didn't see that I was about to collapse on the floor. I should have told you all the times I woke up from nightmares, my voices had came back but there was only one and he wasn't someone I made up. He was a past for both me and you. I could have told you but the ways I killed my pain, it was similar to the ways you did when you were my age but more painful. I wasn't as strong as you were. I wish I would have told you about the way I fell in love with the thought of kissing my life goodbye, I wish I could have explained in some way the way I had to pick up the pieces you thought you stitched together. I should have screamed at night to show you that I was in as pain as I hid, or not speak at all, my voices could say more than I ever could. Or you could have just open your eyes to fact that I couldn't truly smile, I couldn't even breathe. If you were just to take your eyes off of her and look at me, you would have seen.. Oh mom, I should have told you when I could.

0

Dec 18, 2014

Dec 18, 2014 at 3:36 PM UTC

I should have told you when I could;

I should have told you all the nights I cried myself to sleep because my walls were screaming harsh things, I should have told you about the days people looked me in the eyes and told me how ugly I was, or how didn't like how small I am, or how funny I talked, people didn't like how I murmured to myself because those voices in my head were the only people who cared, I should have told you about the times my voices went away and I couldn't act the same because I didn't know what to do, they helped me through a lot of lonely nights and tear ****** days, I should have told you about how much I wanted to leave your loving arms because you didn't see I was in pain. You didn't see that I was about to collapse on the floor. I should have told you all the times I woke up from nightmares, my voices had came back but there was only one and he wasn't someone I made up. He was a past for both me and you. I could have told you but the ways I killed my pain, it was similar to the ways you did when you were my age but more painful. I wasn't as strong as you were. I wish I would have told you about the way I fell in love with the thought of kissing my life goodbye, I wish I could have explained in some way the way I had to pick up the pieces you thought you stitched together. I should have screamed at night to show you that I was in as pain as I hid, or not speak at all, my voices could say more than I ever could. Or you could have just open your eyes to fact that I couldn't truly smile, I couldn't even breathe. If you were just to take your eyes off of her and look at me, you would have seen.. Oh mom, I should have told you when I could.

11

You see I've been through a lot, I've been through ups and downs, and I've been stuck on a merry go round. I've jumped off the swing to high, I've fell down and hurt my knee, I even once fell and lost my two front teeth. I remember crying in the school bathrooms when someone made fun of me for not being able to read the book we were reading in class. I remember slapping myself in the face for saying something stupid, I remember my own flesh and blood pushing me around because he thought it was funny to see me on the ground crying and bleeding. I once jumped off a tree a hit my head, I got up to my best friends laugh ringing in my ear, I also remember crying at the look of blood in my hands. I remember crying day and night when my sister would pull my self esteem right out of my pocket and throw it to the ground. You see I've been through Hell and back. I've broke a few hearts, I've left and caused some scars, I've taught boys lessons, and I've ran from begging hands till my feet hurt. I've had my fair share of hand prints on my wrist from lust but I've kicked and screamed my way out. It's crazy to think how many people forget what they've done to you, I haven't forgotten. I still have the bruises and wounds. I still seek for help when I'm all alone at night. I still desire to be held by my mother when I'm kicking and screaming during a night terror. I still want my teachers to smile and be so proud when I finally can say the 6 letter words completely through and through. Even through all of this is hard to think about, I now laugh at all my scars, bruises and wounds. Because the pain level from when I was 1 to when I was 15 was 9 in my eyes. All the heart breaks and broken bones never seemed to truly heal, all then nights and days I thought about the good and bad, weighing my options on one single thought. I still close my eyes and watch as my life passes me by. I'm just lucky I have someone holding my hand and tracing my scars, glad that they are over. You can't fix your past, but someone can make you forget about it. At least for awhile.

0

Oct 15, 2014

Oct 15, 2014 at 10:25 AM UTC

Title (optional)

You see I've been through a lot, I've been through ups and downs, and I've been stuck on a merry go round. I've jumped off the swing to high, I've fell down and hurt my knee, I even once fell and lost my two front teeth. I remember crying in the school bathrooms when someone made fun of me for not being able to read the book we were reading in class. I remember slapping myself in the face for saying something stupid, I remember my own flesh and blood pushing me around because he thought it was funny to see me on the ground crying and bleeding. I once jumped off a tree a hit my head, I got up to my best friends laugh ringing in my ear, I also remember crying at the look of blood in my hands. I remember crying day and night when my sister would pull my self esteem right out of my pocket and throw it to the ground. You see I've been through Hell and back. I've broke a few hearts, I've left and caused some scars, I've taught boys lessons, and I've ran from begging hands till my feet hurt. I've had my fair share of hand prints on my wrist from lust but I've kicked and screamed my way out. It's crazy to think how many people forget what they've done to you, I haven't forgotten. I still have the bruises and wounds. I still seek for help when I'm all alone at night. I still desire to be held by my mother when I'm kicking and screaming during a night terror. I still want my teachers to smile and be so proud when I finally can say the 6 letter words completely through and through. Even through all of this is hard to think about, I now laugh at all my scars, bruises and wounds. Because the pain level from when I was 1 to when I was 15 was 9 in my eyes. All the heart breaks and broken bones never seemed to truly heal, all then nights and days I thought about the good and bad, weighing my options on one single thought. I still close my eyes and watch as my life passes me by. I'm just lucky I have someone holding my hand and tracing my scars, glad that they are over. You can't fix your past, but someone can make you forget about it. At least for awhile.

2

Hate is a very strong word. So that's why I mean it when I say "I hate you, I hate every once of blood that keeps you alive. I hate every beat your heart makes that keeps your body going, I hate every nerve that keeps on working, I hate everything that makes you stay alive." I'm just a child, 16 or not. I've been running my whole life from you, When will enough be enough? Don't you find it sort of sick? To chase me around, I've always hated hide and seek because I could never hide the bruises that she seemed to seek, I hate swimming on the deep end because I can feel the water still choking me, You still want me dead? I already am. You want me to sugar coat how I feel about you? I wish someone would have made you go through every moment you put me through, over and over. I want you to feel the forever lasting pain I do.

0

Oct 15, 2014

Oct 15, 2014 at 10:03 AM UTC

That's the best I could " Sugar Coat' for you.

Hate is a very strong word. So that's why I mean it when I say "I hate you, I hate every once of blood that keeps you alive. I hate every beat your heart makes that keeps your body going, I hate every nerve that keeps on working, I hate everything that makes you stay alive." I'm just a child, 16 or not. I've been running my whole life from you, When will enough be enough? Don't you find it sort of sick? To chase me around, I've always hated hide and seek because I could never hide the bruises that she seemed to seek, I hate swimming on the deep end because I can feel the water still choking me, You still want me dead? I already am. You want me to sugar coat how I feel about you? I wish someone would have made you go through every moment you put me through, over and over. I want you to feel the forever lasting pain I do.

13

When I was young, My grandmother would take me on car rides, I didn't speak much but I always asked about the beam of lights. To a sixteen year old it was sun shining through the holes in the cloud leaving a beam of sunshine on this place called earth, To a five year old it was magic, something more than logic, To my grandmother it was angels, Angels that were sent to earth to look after the ones they are chosen to protect, I never had a beam of light shine on me. Until March 2nd when a curl haired boy entered my life with a shy hello. Now he is my favorite beam of light.

0

Oct 3, 2014

Oct 3, 2014 at 2:02 PM UTC

Beam of my life.

When I was young, My grandmother would take me on car rides, I didn't speak much but I always asked about the beam of lights. To a sixteen year old it was sun shining through the holes in the cloud leaving a beam of sunshine on this place called earth, To a five year old it was magic, something more than logic, To my grandmother it was angels, Angels that were sent to earth to look after the ones they are chosen to protect, I never had a beam of light shine on me. Until March 2nd when a curl haired boy entered my life with a shy hello. Now he is my favorite beam of light.

10

Somethings are so hidden in this world that we start to believe that we have to search for something that could already be there, We are forced to believe that magic is only in movies that we pay 5 dollars to see, We only believe in the religions our families have reflected on us since we began to breathe, Most of us, even when we fail to admit it, stand in crowd and hate to be alone, We are all fit into the colors we are given not the colors we seek. I don't know about you, but when it comes to me.. I wanna break free.

0

Sep 30, 2014

Sep 30, 2014 at 10:08 AM UTC

// Breaking Point //

Somethings are so hidden in this world that we start to believe that we have to search for something that could already be there, We are forced to believe that magic is only in movies that we pay 5 dollars to see, We only believe in the religions our families have reflected on us since we began to breathe, Most of us, even when we fail to admit it, stand in crowd and hate to be alone, We are all fit into the colors we are given not the colors we seek. I don't know about you, but when it comes to me.. I wanna break free.

7