I want to disappear and never surface
I want to wake up and not feel
I want to smile without an aching heart
Was this heart broken by me or had the world crumbled it's light?
I see the mirage of a future, a vibrant past but as I look around I see nothing but the blurry depths of the sea, currents pulling and pushing, water forcefully rushing down my throat, filling my chest as I struggle in reflex.
It was such a cold night, too cold to be alone.
I am a failure, one who'd given up on life and was given up upon and as my body sinks deeper into this dark abyss I prayed to God for warmth.
There were days I felt relief under the torrential rain, some, light headedness as sun rays kissed my skin. I was made euphoric with simple pleasures. And in that degree, I felt pain all the same.
I resigned to the sinking of my body and the lost of sight on this lonely path but just as much I was desparate for salvation.
With effort, I came up and was washed upon the shores. It was cold, too cold. Water came out of my nose and I coughed and heaved.
Nov 18, 2017
Nov 18, 2017 at 12:40 AM UTC
It was the strangest thing;
I was all alone,
Like I always was
Then your face flashed in my head
And the me who promised herself a solitary future and whom have always been alone started to hope,
Started to dream of things that would've scared the younger me into an episode.
Perhaps it was because you are unattainable
Or because you seem perfectly happy,
That I wasn't scared to picture you,
because it's safe,
Because we'll never be.
But I was struck with this longing for life and happiness;
a companion and a partner;
Yet overwhelmed with fear and anxiety,
Of revealing and committing myself.
These thoughts were so utterly pathetic,
And so normal that I didn't know what to do with myself.
Am I to laugh or cry or go about my day,
It baffled me and left an aching in my heart.
Perhaps one day I'll see a person who is enough in the mirror or meet another who makes me feel like it but till then I shall pretend that I've got no idea what these feelings are.
Ridiculous really.
Apr 15, 2017
Apr 15, 2017 at 9:12 AM UTC
All of a sudden I was this
sarcastic, tired cynic
who had a love for
hope and innocent beings.
It was almost a
beautiful contradiction
in this dark web
I spun within myself.
Now if only I get prey willing to stick around past my meal time.
Mar 19, 2017
Mar 19, 2017 at 10:49 AM UTC
I procrastinate
And as deadlines approach
Anxiety buds and bubbles
And yet I sit staring at the question
Reading and rereading
Thinking 5 steps forward in its entirety
and scaring myself with reality
I tried clearing the haze from my gaze
And getting my head in the game
But then the heart starts pounding relentlessly
And I clutched at it, an excuse to sink into the comfortable darkness
Then I wondered why I'm living without really living
There was naught I didn't put off
And it wasn't as though work was put off for real fun
I put off life to sink into inactivity
I get out of days and weeks from bed with weakened legs and an aching back,
Friends no where in sight, life barely existent
Is living really necessary after all?
I questioned and floated in constructed pain and darkness
Such fortune for a kid to have a shelter above her head, well fed with nothing lacking yet why
Why why why
Why am I still in an endless loop
Why am I still here
Am I necessary after all
Of course not
But it is as though the brain has no power over the heart
I operate on id, ego rarely at work
And it's a devastating tale of the hopeless
One after another with naught but excuses
Mar 17, 2017
Mar 17, 2017 at 3:34 AM UTC
Oh sweet child,
Give me your best poker face
One void of any emotion
Show the world
that there's a walking doll
As you try to conceal
that heat beneath your eyes,
the air crackles in your wake
your seductive scent lingers
with that alluring aloofness
Why won't you do it right?
Tell me now how you see yourself
"I saw her in the mirror
Our eyes clashed
She was but a nightmare in clear sight
My blood boiled with hatred
Even the slightest hint of beauty
turned molten
Hideous, terrifying, disgusting
there was nothing else,
nothing left to be seen"
Turn back around now love
look carefully into those eyes
see how pitiful they are
You broke your own heart
over and over
cursed yourself to the devil
and ****** the light to beyond.
You did it child,
You dirtied your hands
Nothing can hurt you now
not when the worst is done
not when the worst is felt
not when the worst is seen
not when it is known
not when it's been inflicted
and concealed
We know love,
we know all about it
about that experession that you show
and the secrets that you hide
No one will know,
no one else can hurt you
no one sweet sweet child.
Mar 11, 2017
Mar 11, 2017 at 9:17 PM UTC
No other way could express
this aching heart better
Than a protection of the soul
from the poison of the mind.
But all this hand wants to do now
is reach in
and feel heartbeats slow and cease,
caught underneath the nails
and squeezed beyond fingers,
detached and unrecognisable.
Mar 8, 2017
Mar 8, 2017 at 12:17 PM UTC
It was as though I was afraid of living. I feared loving and being loved and when there was no one left and I was truly alone that this safe space became a bottomless vacuum, suffocating and toxic.
I was unsettled and anxious, caped and wrapped beneath the vast morning sky. And like a parable the dark clouds came and shifted at incredible speed before my eyes. It was as though the sun filtered past my lashes and through my mind, I was conscious and tingly warm.
I looked around at people bustling through the streets and suddenly I was dragged and pulled at. Strangely I wasn't screaming aloud but it was her that I heard, the girl who relentlessly banged on the walls of my quiescent heart.
And as I closed my eyes I returned into a construed box, sealed by my bare hands.
I was naked and ***** with fire in my eyes and nothing to my name.
The frustration built, temptation sung like a lullaby by the strongest of the Sirens. I was within and beside myself, lost in an aphotic wonderland, sitting beneath a tree neither in rest nor resignation but with indolence and disgust.
Help me, help me, help me I screamed but my body stayed abeyant as though waiting to be relieved by the death I knew I wouldn't be welcomed by.
The conflict within me rose and like an infant frustrated by a hat I tore at my body and soul.
I was awoken.
I was naked.
With scars, bruises, sins and nothing else but foam to my name.
So help me God, give me the strength and will to move. So help me God, give me the determination and motivation to live. Help me, I cry, lying in the same corner from the day before.
Mar 5, 2017
Mar 5, 2017 at 11:45 AM UTC
I found warmth,
in water that scalds.
I found love,
in books that move.
I found reality,
in marks that scars.
I found joy,
in comedy and satirists.
I found utter devastation,
in this heart that won't stop beating.
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 4:20 AM UTC
It hurts,
it aches,
it wrecks me whole.
No soul must know,
no soul can know.
But the pain is eating me whole,
inch by inch,
till darkness overwhelms my bones.
I bawled and I clawed,
at the flesh on my arms,
On my thighs,
Steaming hot water running down my chest,
Eyes full of hatred,
Tears full of despair,
Then I waited,
Hugging my knees under the cold shower,
For the marks to subside.
When I stood,
Water cascaded peacefully down my arms
My hands covered my ears,
And echos consumed me,
Memories started playing,
Images haunting and voices screaming.
It was suffocating,
So suffocating,
My head started banging against the cold tiles
But everything was clear,
The reason of all the pain,
Was a map that leads to me.
I crumbled yet again under the shower,
Voices rise in merry right out that door,
And I wailed a soundless plea of help,
Chanting their names like they'd turn and reach for me,
Like everything will be fine after.
But nothing will be fine,
Nothing will be fine at all.
I picked myself up,
Scrubbed myself down,
And stared at the mirror,
A smile plastered on,
staring right into my eyes,
And I smiled wider,
Grinned on the way to my room,
Smiled in the mirror and laughed,
Laughed as hard as I could,
And went about my day.
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 1:53 AM UTC
My hand is stained.
I see it no matter,
I feel it regardless.
The hatred runs deep,
the violence boils beneath.
In a mask for the mass,
humour was the course.
In a platter for the rest,
a distortion was forced.
Depravity a mistake,
Society a joke,
Pain a fortune.
You've seen nothing here,
You've heard nothing.
Turn around,
away from me,
so I can be free.
"Nothing has been, Nothing is to be."
Blood dripping down my eyes,
yet another soul I spurned.
Another step you took,
away from me,
and another,
and another,
I hear you loud and clear,
I get you more than any other.
I've embraced you a million times in my mind,
this,
is you embracing me.
Dec 19, 2015
Dec 19, 2015 at 9:19 AM UTC