I'm graduating in less than a month and this is supposed to be the best time and it is. I feel closure is finally coming and I can move on with the rest of my life. I'm so excited for the future but I'm also nervous. You probably know exactly what I'm going through because this was you last year. You graduated high school which was so weird for me. It was weird to see you moving on and going through such a huge change and it felt wrong that I wasn't part of it. I couldn't be there because she was. I remember when I first started talking to you, I was a freshman it's unreal how much time has passed since then and how much I have changed. If I knew then that you would impact me so much even now I don't know if I would have sent that first snap. Sometimes I'm happy I met you. On the good days I can think of you without feeling sad but there haven't been many good days lately. Now when I think of you I'm mostly bitter. I'll try my best to explain why. Things between us never worked. I'm not sure why maybe it's because we were never quite on the same page. No matter what we never wanted the same things. But I still don't get it. It was the spring of my sophomore year when I realized you had found someone else. It has been years but I still remember exactly the moment I found out. I saw your story was a photo of you and a girl. I knew she wasn't just a friend instantly and it sent chills down my spine. It had been years of on and off and we had talked to other people but nothing serious. I felt this was different and it hurt because I knew the girl. I wish I hadn't I wish she had been a stranger but she was at my school and I saw her every day. I wondered about it, how you and her got on the same page when you and I never could. At first it made me sick, watching you with someone else. And I wasn't watching from a distance. You would come to her games and even our school dances. I remember bumping into you and crying because it just didn't feel right seeing you with her. After a while I accepted it. I didn't stop caring but I was able to see the two of you without hurting as much as before. Sometimes I wouldn't think of you at all for long periods of time then something would remind me of you. I stopped crying about you. I was able to talk about you without feeling the need to reach out. If anyone asked me who I thought the one for me was it would still be you but I didn't act on it. I was happy. Going into my senior year I was so excited. I was in a place I wanted to be in. I was ready for closure and to move on with my life. But you and I never had closure. I didn't know you broke up until you told me. My phone lit up in the middle of the day and I remember my face turning hot when I saw it was you. It had been probably over a year since I had talked to you. You apologized for all the hurt you had caused me and I thought maybe you had changed. Maybe the boy who came and went out of my life making my calm waters crash with waves was gone. Maybe you were finally ready for something different. I remember you telling me I'll always have a special place in your heart and that you'll always love me. I wonder if you mean that now. This year was on and off. You had not changed and that stung. We went back into our never ending cycle of you hurting me, me shutting you out, and eventually forgiving you. Apology after apology. But why do I still have hope? I try to convince myself things between us are hard because there is so much between us neither of us know how to act. I try to tell myself that your ex hurt you so badly that you just aren't ready. But now I don't know. I think you met someone new (again) and **** it hurts. It hurts because I don't know whether to let you go or beg you to stay. Seeing you with someone else always hurts but being with you hurts too.
May 13, 2017
May 13, 2017 at 7:26 PM UTC
It had been a year since I spoke to you
Two since I wrote about you
I was recovering
When people asked if I loved you I said I always would
but, I was moving on
I was happy for you
I stopped hating the girl you were with and I loved her for giving you everything I never could
Slowly but surely you slipped out of my life and it was years since I last stayed up late with a drink in my hand blaming it all on you
I was okay
When people leave it cuts a hole in your chest
you leaving broke me apart and you left me alone to put myself together
people leaving hurts, but people who leave and come back over and over again hurt more
YEARS had gone by and yet you think you can just come when you want
you and your girlfriend break up and now you think it is the right time to apologize?
I can write about you like I hate you
I write about you like I ignore you
But I don't
don't hate you
and even though I try as hard as I can, I still can not ignore you
Your words from two **** years ago still replay in my head
and you think you can tell me NOW you never stopped loving me
Sep 25, 2016
Sep 25, 2016 at 9:45 PM UTC
two simple words that could easily change everything
“who cares”
as soon you said it there was no going back
I let you in and created a cage for my guilt, and kept it locked
I put it in the back of my mind and swore it was going to be fine
maybe not now but it would be
people wonder why I don't want a boyfriend
maybe it's because you kissed me the same way you kiss her
and when I left that night the next morning you were with her
and maybe it's the 74% of men who say they would cheat on their wife if they knew they wouldn't get caught
and you made me promise we wouldn't get caught
I knew things between us would change
but I didn’t expect you to change me
and I didn’t expect to see you differently, but I do
you're composed of lies, and secrets behind closed doors
thats what I am to you
a secret behind a closed door, that you never want to open
you put locks on the door so nobody will know what happened behind it
meanwhile I want to open it and scream the truth to everyone who will listen
but I don't
because what I want more than the truth is your love
something I know is impossible to have
but I know I’ll never stop trying to get
I told you I wanted to be with you
and you said I could be
but I meant forever and you meant just for the night
Apr 13, 2015
Apr 13, 2015 at 8:07 PM UTC
He pushes me away
But pulls me right back in when he wants something
He wants to see a little skin
I gave him what he wanted foolishly thinking the boy who wanted to see me naked also wanted me as a person
I play the game waiting for someone to win
We're just going in circles
He wants my body and I want to be loved
He wants to mess around and I want someone to stay in my life
We're like fire and gasoline
I let him go trying to end this silly game once and for all
But he slithers his way back in my life
And I let him stay
I know he will never love me
I can't make him love me
He only loves my body
May 26, 2014
May 26, 2014 at 10:25 PM UTC
A few states away, tubes hooked to his veins
Why haven't they told me it's cancer?
"He's getting a couple tests done"
"Don't worry it's nothing ***
Why haven't they told me it's cancer?
I hear the late night phone calls
The "how's he doing" phone calls
I got a little curious
Looked at some of your messages
They said he has cancer
You said pack your bags
We are going to visit
I know he's in the hospital
But you never told me it was cancer
I heard he started the chemo
But I didn't hear it from you
I read dad's email
I just wanted to know
What's wrong with him
What the hell's going on
Never thought it'd be cancer
Last night we got in that fight
I called you a liar
You didn't know why
You don't know that I know
My grandpas got cancer
May 19, 2014
May 19, 2014 at 9:35 PM UTC
Everyone leaves, you hear people say it but do you really understand it?
Everyone that is in your life will go away
I am fifteen years old and I know this
I find that depressing
As a teenager you're supposed to be crazy and fall in love
And have the ability to believe in miracles and happily ever after
Well I don't
I am a teenager who understands that love is temporary
Don't trick yourself into believing in forever because forever will end
You think he will stay just because he promised he would
Well promises are just words
I was foolish enough to believe in words until I realized that everyone is full of ****
I am fifteen years old and I am done believing
Believing that you will end up with the prince
Because I know the prince will just ***** you over
Promises turn into lies, hello turns to goodbye
And love, well it dies
What do you do when you give everything to love
And love comes around and destroys you
How can something so beautiful become so ugly
I am fifteen years old I am scared of ghosts and I am scared of love
I am afraid to give my heart to someone because they could break it
They could tear me into a million pieces and destroy everything I am
The boy I love could simply leave just because he feels like it
Love is dangerous
But of course I want love
I want kissing and cuddling and having someone there for me no matter what
I think that is beautiful
What I don't want is the heartbreak because he changed his mind
I don't need more sleepless nights and I sure as hell don't need more pain
I need love, everyone does but I can't have love
Because I am afraid and fear is a powerful thing
I am afraid of ghosts so I don't watch scary movies, and I stay away from all things paranormal
I am afraid of love, so I don't let my feelings control me and I push people away because there's always a chance something could happen
Something beautiful and perfect like those red roses on Valentines Day
But the roses die,
There colors change from red to black
The beautiful perfect things turn into your worst nightmares
Love turns to hate and your happy ending slowly fades
I am fifteen years old and I am terrified of love
Apr 19, 2014
Apr 19, 2014 at 10:03 PM UTC
I see the moon in your eyes
I see the stars in your smile
I feel the heat of the sun in your touch
I look up at the moon and remember your eyes only look at her now
I see the stars twinkling and remember you only smile for her now
I used to feel the heat of the sun but now I feel the cold emptiness of outer space
I used to be your Jupiter
Now I'm Pluto
I barely exist to you
Apr 12, 2014
Apr 12, 2014 at 10:35 PM UTC