i have so many things i want to say but cant find the words to say them
nor the courage to
Nov 10, 2017
Nov 10, 2017 at 10:18 AM UTC
I lost my mother
No, not to death
I lost my mother to technology
To social media
To that ******* Facebook
I lost her to the bright rectangular shard of glass that was her phone
There she could reconnect with her friends
See what they were doing
Reunite with long lost childhood buddies
And see cute videos of dogs and babies
I used to love going on dates with my mom
Just the two of us
Most would say we were like sisters
We shared clothes and stories
And life lessons in between
Sips of coffee and slices of cakes
And walks in malls just because we wanted aircon
But now when I'm sitting across her at the table
Her eyes fail to meet mine
If they do all she'd say was wait, I'm replying
Then her eyes would fall back to the screen of her phone
Never-ending conversations became conversations that never even started
Loud chatter above food became silence so loud I could hear myself chew
Laughter and smiles were all the same except they were done looking down, facing a phone
And now I would rather dine alone
Than dine infront of someone glued to their phone
And that says a lot coming from someone with social anxiety and fear of being alone
Because if instead of talking to me your talking to your phone
I really would rather just be alone
I promise you it's not that different
Social media was designed to make us all connected
Countries apart, continents in between
We could talk and call like we were together at that very moment
But now the people were beside
The people we can touch and feel
The people with us physically
We forget to talk to, we ignore
We become disconnected with
Yes, you are retying old ties with your old friends who are miles away
I get that
And I am more than happy for you
That you and your highscool friends talk again
But what's the use of making new ties if you don't keep the ones you have now
I lost my mother to technology
I don't know if it's too late
I know technology won't stop advancing any time soon or any time in the future for that matter
But I have faith
I know beneath my mothers eyes glued to the screen
are the same eyes as the ones that first laid their eyes on me
Who looked at me ever so lovingly,
Like the most precious gift in the world
I lost my mother to technology
And I hope it's not too late to find her again
Jul 18, 2017
Jul 18, 2017 at 6:39 AM UTC
The feeling of being replaceable is easily one of the ********* feelings in the world
You feel like your presence doesn't make an impact enough on a person that you can be so easily thrown out and replaced by a better person
You feel like if you leave you won't even leave a void and space where you once were
Maybe just a mark, a minimal trace but before they can feel that you're gone, someone new slips in
It's like trying to prove your worth and make someone realize how important you are so you keep a distance
But instead of longing for you, they replace you
I'm not some object you got at the store that you can replace when you're tired of me
I don't have a warranty, I have feelings
I don't want to be the girl who can easily slip through your fingers
Scratch that, I DO want to be the girl who can easily slip through your fingers but you choose to keep your fingers tightly packed because you know if you lose me you can't find another me among the 7 billion people in the world
I want you to know my worth
I know I have troubles seeing that myself
But I hope you see the light that shines through the cracks on my skin when I'm too sick of myself to look in the mirror
I hope you see the little hidden things and quirks of mine that I'm too blind to see
I hope you realize that no matter how many girls you talk to, time after time,
None of them can ever
Or will ever
Replace me
Apr 6, 2016
Apr 6, 2016 at 1:11 PM UTC
My hands are rough
From doing bars
Doing pull ups
Putting chalk
Wearing grips
Constant contact with rough wood
My hands have to be rough for my sport
My hands are rough
A sign of what I've been through
Of how hard I work
Of how much I push myself
A sign of bravery and courage
My hands are rough
Blistered from holding on to people that have already cut me off
Scarred from trying to piece my broken heart together
Callouses from building on one sided relationships
My hands are rough
Something to be insecure about
Something I keep to myself
And I didn't really care
Until you
My hands are rough
And I've been worried
That no one would want to hold on to them
That they'd be hurt by my hands
That they aren't the hands they want to hold on to
And so I warm my own hands
My hands are rough
But you choose to hold on to them
Despite the blisters, cuts, and callouses
I know it might not be the pair of best hands in the world
And I'm sorry I can never give you those
But I have never felt safer and more secure
Than when your hands are interlocked with mine
Feb 20, 2016
Feb 20, 2016 at 10:14 AM UTC
You need to know something --
I cant wait forever
I can serve food
But I'm not a waiter
I am a human
I get bored too
Waiting for someone
Uncertain, like you
You say you're scared
But am I not too?
If you really want it,
You'd take a risk or two
Take a risk in me
Take a risk with me
Let's see what we got
If it's worth a shot
I've been waiting for you
For what seems like forever
I can't keep running back
When you call me whenever
I know I've said bye
A million of times
But this one would be
The very last time
Jan 17, 2016
Jan 17, 2016 at 9:04 AM UTC
n. hy•po•thal•a•mus \-ˈthal-ə-məs\
: the part of the brain that controls fight or flight responses
September 23rd
The first time our eyes met
Travelling across the room
Not knowing that those were the same eyes
That could **** me with a smile
December 28th
I found out that you wrote
And **** that was hot
Your words that got me hooked
Were the same ones that cut my strings
February 14th
We were nothing close to lovers
Not even bestfriends
But I somehow felt less lonely
Talking to you everyday
April 8th
The beginning of heat
And I think I barely noticed
Because the thought of you
Makes blood rush to my cheek
June 19th
The start of school
And the start of the drift
Or maybe it was just stress?
I hung on to our conversations
July 31st
You talked about this new girl
And how she was pretty
And funny
And everything I wasn’t
August 17th
We haven’t talked in 2 weeks
Not like you noticed much
All you cared about was her
I'm starting to miss you
Alot
September 27th
I was in Biology
I studied the hypothalamus
And how it controlled
The fight or flight response of our body
September 27th
I was studying the hypothalamus
And learned that the body has a natural instinct
To detect danger or warning
Thus activating the hypothalamus
September 27th
I was studying the hypothalamus
And **** who gave you the right to walk in my mind
I was studying the hypothalamus for God’s sake how does this even relate to you?
I saw you in everything
A notebook – Cos you write
Coffee – because you loved it
The Fault In Our Stars – because you hated it
Pictures of New York – because it was your dream
My playlist – because you made it
My jacket – because it smells like you
My little sister – because she looks for you
My mother – because she still makes your favorite dinner whenever you visit
The flowers on our porch – because you planted them
Hot Pockets – because you despised them
But **** never did I expect to see you in a hypothalamus
September 27th
People don’t come with warning signs attached to their necks
And even if our body has a natural instinct to detect danger
People like you, know just the right things to say or do to trick my body into thinking you're good for me
You know my passcode, how to get through my walls
So all this time I’ve been wondering
Where was my hypothalamus, if I even had one
Why didn’t it warn me
To flee your arms before I got entangled in your words,
Before I sunk in the quicksand of your charm
Why wasn’t I warned, to fight or flight, before I got hurt this bad?
Why wasn’t I warned of the danger that was you.
Jul 23, 2015
Jul 23, 2015 at 12:17 PM UTC
One day
When human technology
Has surpassed the wildest of our imaginations today
And we are able to read each other's minds
I wouldn't be the slightest bit scared
If you are able to read mine
Because all you'd find
Are things like
How amazing you are
How your eyes seem to contain the universe
How your smile shines brighter than a burned out star
How every touch feels like a surge of electric emotions
How every time our eyes meet you make me feel like I'm okay and I actually believe it
How every time your arm brushes against mine I feel the rest of the world melt away
How you just know exactly what to say and when to say it
How your songs have become my songs and you've taken over even the littlest things like my music playlist
How you made me believe that magic is real because it's the only thing that can explain this thing I feel
How your hugs feel like a blanket of hope – that good things still exist in this world
And lastly
How I loved you and was too afraid to say so and now it's too late
But if there's one thing you must take from this, just know
You were the ******* best thing I never had
Jul 4, 2015
Jul 4, 2015 at 11:09 AM UTC
Darling,
On those nights you feel lonely
Days you feel gloomy
When it feels like the universe
Is conspiring against you
Remember
I
am
here
(And, no, the universe isn't conspiring against you)
Jun 2, 2015
Jun 2, 2015 at 2:36 PM UTC
Drift
Noun
A slow and gradual movement or change from one place, condition, etc. to another
Drifting
Verb
The ********* feeling in the world
It’s like, were still friends but we’re transitioning into acquaintances,
maybe even strangers in the near future
Daily conversations start to get rusty
And every word said feels like so much effort
Real talk, becomes small talk, and soon, maybe even no talk
Maybe we’ve just exhausted the list of things to talk about
And you know everything you wanted to know about me and I know everything I wanted to know about you
Or maybe you’ve reached your word limit or something, I don’t really know
But what most people don’t know about drifting is that
Drifting can be a one sided process
Like I’m here freaking out about our friendship and how we haven’t talked in days
And you're just there, probably not even noticing that we haven’t had a single conversation
If our friendship was a group work
I’d be that person doing everything, trying to fix things, putting so much effort
And you’re the one who seenzones the facebook group chat
It’s like we were on boats and suddenly a current rips us apart and if you just pull me in your boat everything will be okay
But no, the current is pulling me away from you and I am using all my strength to paddle back to you
And you don’t even notice and you even find the time to take a swim
Our friendship was a rubberband
You were holding one end, I was holding the other,
The rubberband stretched as the friendship grew, it got tighter and tighter
and suddenly, you decided that rubber bands weren't cool so you let go and i got slapped in the face by our friendship
It’s like wanting to chase you, but not wanting to chase you
Because it can come off as clingy
It’s like wanting to talk to you but I don’t
because I don’t want to disturb you
and that ***** cos you're the only one I want to talk to
but I'm probably not the one you want to talk to
so I just scratch the idea out of my head
and think of another way to talk to the person I once had endless conversations with
the hardest part in drifting is deciding what to do
should I let go?
Because they say that drifting is just a sign from God that you’ve learned everything you can from that person, right
And if I do let you go and we’re meant to stay friends aren’t we eventually going to find our way back to each other?
Or should I hold on, on this one-sided stretched rubberband of ours
and try to fix something that might not even be broken in your eyes
May 31, 2015
May 31, 2015 at 12:24 PM UTC
I am not a morning person
Sun glaring through the curtains, birds chirping on the tree
Such a pretty sight i know, but you know whats prettier? Sleep.
Wake me up when the sun's shining and i. Will. **** You.
Coffee doesnt do the trick, neither does breakfast
so just let me sleep in — it'll do everyone a favor
"good morning!" Says the starbucks barista who trys to make conversation with me and all the while i am wishing for my drink to come faster as to prevent any further contact with any human being
Good night
I am not a hugger
Being that close to someone makes me cringe
Maybe im just not all about that intimacy thing and showing affection
Also have you ever hugged a girl?
You feel their ***** against you especially when they hug suuuper tight
Or maybe im just really afraid to let my guard down
Which is hard because when people know you dont like hugs
and you actually need a hug
No one will give you a hug and you just learn to **** it up and accept that the only hugging youll ever get is from your teddy bear at night
I am not a good conversationalist
As i have concluded and confirmed with my friends
It is hard to keep a conversation with me
I think its because most of the actual conversation is happening in my mind and my mouth cant follow through
I get scared to speak most of my thoughs because im scared of what other people think
And that leads me to not saying anything at all and that leads them to think i am shy and awkward
So no matter if i say anything or i dont, i will be judged
And theeeen i met him
And he was everything i wasnt
He was a morning person, a hugger, and the best person you can spend hours talking to
Suddenly
I began getting up earlier than usual
I started to eat breakfast and have an actual conversation with laughter at 8 in the morning
I say good morning back to the starbucks barista and find that morning interactions with human beings arent so bad after all
He gave the best hugs — the ones that make you feel warm, safe, and protected you just wanted to hibernate in his arms
When i feel his muscles squeeze me, i feel my sadness squeeze out of me little by little
And the best part? He doesnt have *****
He is the number one person who can hold a conversation with anyone
He always finds something to talk about
And makes the worst jokes
I feel comfortable with him
Like i can say anything and he'd understand
So thank you, because of him, i am a morning person, a hugger, and a good conversationalist
May 25, 2015
May 25, 2015 at 1:45 PM UTC