i didn’t think i’d live when he fingered me so hard it hurt and i tried to sit up but he pushed me back down and told me it was okay and to be quiet so his sister who was right upstairs in her bathroom wouldn’t hear and when i told him we should stop he laughed like i’d said a joke and i laughed in return because i didn't believe what was happening was actually happening.
i didn’t think i’d live when i was lying half on and half off the couch in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the living room with an eighteen year old man sitting on my chest and my pants undone and my shirt pulled up while he whispered things like ‘it’ll be over soon’ as he held my jaw and ****** himself into my mouth so hard my eyes watered and i gagged and tried not to throw up and said no around his ***** as many times as i could and he just insisted that it was his turn now whatever that’s supposed to mean.
i didn’t think i’d live when i couldn’t figure out what to do about the *********** he’d so kindly left in my mouth and when i thought about spitting it out i realized his sister - my best friend - would see the mess and i didn’t want her to know what he had done or have to worry about cleaning it up so i swallowed it like a champ and the taste of him still lingers in the back of my throat 15 years later.
i didn’t think i’d live when he sat me down with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to go to the bishop for what we’d done and begged me not to tell my parents and held my hands in his as if he was truly concerned about my well being and i nodded dumbly because i couldn’t believe this had happened to me.
i didn’t think i’d live when i ran home weeping and showered until my skin was raw and red and my hands were shaking so hard i dropped the soap three times and i screamed so hard my throat bled.
i didn’t think i’d live when i laid down in the sunspot on my bedroom floor and sobbed hysterically until my younger brother who never cared about me finally timidly knocked on my door and asked me if i was okay and i couldn’t find the words to tell him i’d been ***** so i just told him i’d had a fight with my best friend.
i didn’t think i’d live when food became a burden and my stomach turned on me and headaches plagued me because the weight of what had happened to me and what had been taken from me had become too much to bear and my body was slowly collapsing underneath it.
i didn’t think i’d live when i told my mom and dad what happened to me with a choked voice and tears streaming down my face and my mom told me she knew what i was feeling because my uncles - more than one - had sexually assaulted her when she was a little girl and to this day i cannot look at them without wanting to *****
i didn’t think i’d live when my dad got so angry that his face turned red and i didn't recognize him and he clenched his fists and muttered something about his gun under his breath and i knew he’d **** the man who ***** me if he had the chance but in the same breath that held those threats he broke into a thousand pieces and held me together like a fragile broken doll and wept into my hair and i just wanted to tell him i was okay and i was still his little girl but the words were gone.
i didn’t think i’d live when i told my sister about who had ***** me and she felt sick because she had dated him to make me jealous at one point and it had worked and we’d fought over this selfish piece of **** like sisters do and she wondered how could she have done something so cruel to me with someone who would in turn treat me so cruelly.
i didn’t think i’d live when my ****** called me a **** behind my back and my baby brother my endless protector confronted him at four years old and asked him if he’d really called me a **** even when he had no idea the meaning of the word only that it had wounded me deeply.
i didn’t think i’d live when i told my bishop and hoped that he’d understand and that something would be taken from this man who had ***** me so he’d maybe feel a little of what i was feeling but it turns out he got off scott free and everything he worked for was given to him including his mission and going to byu and my bishop still believes it was consensual even when i told him the story over and over again.
i didn’t think i’d live when i realized that i still wake up every day for the past 15 years and think about him at some point and the smell of a wooden door in the sun makes me want to throw up and the sound of maury povich’s voice is a trigger and sometimes i wish i could tell his wife what he did to me and how he never apologized and never admitted what he did just continued to call it consent over and over again even after i told him no clearly and plainly and how his sister knows now and we’re no longer friends and his other sister thinks i’m just a **** who tried to ruin his life and how sometimes *** still scares me so badly that i want to die and sometimes i still wish i had that day.
Jun 4, 2016
Jun 4, 2016 at 11:21 AM UTC
surrounded by people
family and friends
who love me
but i'm a shadow
hovering in corners
knitting my heart together
with a few strings of hope
they're fraying
coming undone
why am i broken?
my arms are tired from
holding my two halves
together
i'm so alone
i'm so alone
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 2:03 PM UTC
you see
i know myself
down to my deepest
darkest desire
in the heart of me
i am loathsome
an inherently selfish creature
i long for the pain
of love and disaster
wrecking those around me
i love the fire in my wounds
i don't know who i am
without them
ravaging the very lives
of those i love
is my calling card
i cannot help myself
i'm drawn
like a moth to flame
to the self inflicted torture
that i put myself through
blood and glorious ruin
what would i be
without the terrible
and awe inspiring
damage i inflicted?
gods i'm awesome
full of vengeance
heat
hatred
and burning anger
i'll trample
rip apart
and tear into this life
don't get in my way
if you value yourself
i'm great and terrible
and i'd rather not
see you become
collateral damage
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:59 PM UTC
let this water run over
my sensitive skin
leaving burning tracks
like so many tears
i am afraid
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:53 PM UTC
lost and heartsick
i feel very small
and very alone
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:51 PM UTC
or perhaps
we could run
far and fast
until it feels like
we are flying
nothing behind us
but the wind
nothing in front of us
that we do not want there
just freedom
and lightness
weight gone
shoulders unburdened
hearts racing
and palms pressed together
i can run fast
i will keep up
on your mark
get set
go
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:50 PM UTC
a long stretch
as far as you can see
or so it seems
it's not so far
i will help you
be your companion
will you let me?
would you like me
to carry that heavy pack
the one you've been carrying
for ages?
i'm happy to shoulder it
for a while
hold my hand
when the way gets rocky
we will keep one another steady
it's not so long
i promise
and i will be by your side
as long as you'll have me
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:41 PM UTC
shut this down
tear my skin to shreds
open my veins
pour yourself into me
give me all of you
over and over and over
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:37 PM UTC
killing field
inundated with
so many bodies
so much heat and pain
make me forget
everything i have witnessed
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:37 PM UTC
do you ever feel yourself drowning
but you don't know what is pulling you under
only that you can't breathe
and your legs are kicking at the restraints
but nothing is happening
do you ever wake up with a lump in your throat
but no remembrance of how it got there or why
not even a hint of a dream to guide your thoughts
only the feeling that your heart is broken
and your lungs are collapsing
do you ever feel yourself slow down
body and mind stuck in a mire of subconscious thoughts
thoughts about your faults and weaknesses
the battles you've lost
and the bodies you've left behind
do you ever feel aches and pains in all your body
but no altercation to explain where the hurt comes from
aches in your shoulders and elbows even down to your toes
your hair follicles are sensitive and your lips are dry
skin that feels like a million pinpricks
today i am all of the above
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 1:35 PM UTC