golden-ambitionz - Hello Poetry

All the men in my family like, date, or marry white women. I wonder if this is self hatred personified, or is this all they know? I wonder if they are not capable of loving a black woman, are they ill equipped? Their mother is a black woman, did they not want a reincarnation of her? The most phenomenal woman. When I ask, they say, the black woman is too tough, too loud, too ghetto, too “much.” Ah. So they realized they can’t put a black woman in a box- on a shelf, they can’t contain a black woman. They cant take her down, dust her off and present her to the world. They can’t encase a black woman. I sometimes see these traits in my father. The women in his life are either white as snow or light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. Only one brown skin girl, that birthed me. His most ungovernable seed. Once again reaffirming their fear that you can’t put black woman in her place, because she belongs in every place. If you want to see if a black man thinks this of a black woman- simply ask him to describe a her. Therein lies their answer, therein lies their hurt. Therein lies their deflection.

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Jan 16, 2021

Jan 16, 2021 at 8:26 AM UTC

Trophy

All the men in my family like, date, or marry white women. I wonder if this is self hatred personified, or is this all they know? I wonder if they are not capable of loving a black woman, are they ill equipped? Their mother is a black woman, did they not want a reincarnation of her? The most phenomenal woman. When I ask, they say, the black woman is too tough, too loud, too ghetto, too “much.” Ah. So they realized they can’t put a black woman in a box- on a shelf, they can’t contain a black woman. They cant take her down, dust her off and present her to the world. They can’t encase a black woman. I sometimes see these traits in my father. The women in his life are either white as snow or light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. Only one brown skin girl, that birthed me. His most ungovernable seed. Once again reaffirming their fear that you can’t put black woman in her place, because she belongs in every place. If you want to see if a black man thinks this of a black woman- simply ask him to describe a her. Therein lies their answer, therein lies their hurt. Therein lies their deflection.

5

I feel like the worse part about losing someone that you really care about is you lose someone that you confided in about everything. You stay up until the late hours of the morning talking about things you’ve been through, you become vulnerable. You open up about things you never would and you hope that things wont change. Feelings develop and you put yourself out there. You tell them how you feel and they give you a confusing/ indirect answer, but you’re not upset because you felt like it was too soon to say anything anyways. You promise that things won’t change. But soon you realize that they’re becoming more distant. The facetime calls stop, the text conversations become uninteresting. The vibe changes and you can’t help but think it’s because you opened up, maybe too much. You’re confused, annoyed but most of all sad and it’s not because the person doesn’t like you back, but it’s because now it feels like you’ve lost a friend and I’m tired of losing real ones like you.

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Jun 28, 2019

Jun 28, 2019 at 9:10 PM UTC

Carried Away -

I feel like the worse part about losing someone that you really care about is you lose someone that you confided in about everything. You stay up until the late hours of the morning talking about things you’ve been through, you become vulnerable. You open up about things you never would and you hope that things wont change. Feelings develop and you put yourself out there. You tell them how you feel and they give you a confusing/ indirect answer, but you’re not upset because you felt like it was too soon to say anything anyways. You promise that things won’t change. But soon you realize that they’re becoming more distant. The facetime calls stop, the text conversations become uninteresting. The vibe changes and you can’t help but think it’s because you opened up, maybe too much. You’re confused, annoyed but most of all sad and it’s not because the person doesn’t like you back, but it’s because now it feels like you’ve lost a friend and I’m tired of losing real ones like you.

1

You can call me many things, but clueless is not one of them. My intuition is something serious- I came in and saw two half burned candles sitting on top of the mini fridge. - the cheap kind. The room was particularly clean, almost like you had company. - Your shoes were evenly stacked, thats new. The closet and dry erase board oozed out secrets of a planned night. - spontaneity has never been your strong suit. Sheets & comforter- smelled of fake passion and sweat. No stain on the sheets, - you better believe I checked. You created a soul tie- - with someone new. & your single, so you ought too. So why did I feel my stomach go empty- It doesn’t matter, I know she didn’t make your back arch how I did. My skills- she lacked. Thank you for letting me walk in an see this. Everything was so perfectly staged- I know you didn’t want to tell me, probably hoped that I would peep it. At first, I was shocked by blatant disrespect. I could feel your lack of care deepen. But there’s no need to apologize - I finally got everything I needed. Sincerely, Closure. 12/5/18

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Dec 8, 2018

Dec 8, 2018 at 12:15 AM UTC

Intuition. 10:33pm

You can call me many things, but clueless is not one of them. My intuition is something serious- I came in and saw two half burned candles sitting on top of the mini fridge. - the cheap kind. The room was particularly clean, almost like you had company. - Your shoes were evenly stacked, thats new. The closet and dry erase board oozed out secrets of a planned night. - spontaneity has never been your strong suit. Sheets & comforter- smelled of fake passion and sweat. No stain on the sheets, - you better believe I checked. You created a soul tie- - with someone new. & your single, so you ought too. So why did I feel my stomach go empty- It doesn’t matter, I know she didn’t make your back arch how I did. My skills- she lacked. Thank you for letting me walk in an see this. Everything was so perfectly staged- I know you didn’t want to tell me, probably hoped that I would peep it. At first, I was shocked by blatant disrespect. I could feel your lack of care deepen. But there’s no need to apologize - I finally got everything I needed. Sincerely, Closure. 12/5/18

27

My older sister told me that the first rule of life is self preservation- And I am learning that. First step for me is saying thank you... To my ex who thought I was a punching bag instead of his blessing Thank you - You taught me how to strengthen my mind with these rhymes when you told me that I would never be good enough. There's more beauty in resilience than endurance cause you were losing your mind and I was running out of time. To the preacher who thought I was too tainted and missed the God in me Thank you - You taught me that your past is a lesson and the fact I survived mine is a blessing. To the one who thought that the part between my thighs wasn't a gold mine but rather a field of lilies that you thought you were worthy enough to pluck Thank you - You taught me how to heal & to be whole again- and that forgiveness is a level of deepeness that I haven't quite conquered yet. Fear should be the 8th deadliest sin because with fear you can't win and that's all us brown girls know how to do. You taught me that your actions do not make me inadequate & that I can't quit on this journey for self love because of you, now I rise above. I'm afraid that I put them under the impression that I was made to please them & that's crazy because I was under the impression that they understood me better. Well PSA.. The first thing you should know about me, is that I am not for you- A lot more will make sense after that.

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Dec 8, 2018

Dec 8, 2018 at 12:10 AM UTC

Sunflower

My older sister told me that the first rule of life is self preservation- And I am learning that. First step for me is saying thank you... To my ex who thought I was a punching bag instead of his blessing Thank you - You taught me how to strengthen my mind with these rhymes when you told me that I would never be good enough. There's more beauty in resilience than endurance cause you were losing your mind and I was running out of time. To the preacher who thought I was too tainted and missed the God in me Thank you - You taught me that your past is a lesson and the fact I survived mine is a blessing. To the one who thought that the part between my thighs wasn't a gold mine but rather a field of lilies that you thought you were worthy enough to pluck Thank you - You taught me how to heal & to be whole again- and that forgiveness is a level of deepeness that I haven't quite conquered yet. Fear should be the 8th deadliest sin because with fear you can't win and that's all us brown girls know how to do. You taught me that your actions do not make me inadequate & that I can't quit on this journey for self love because of you, now I rise above. I'm afraid that I put them under the impression that I was made to please them & that's crazy because I was under the impression that they understood me better. Well PSA.. The first thing you should know about me, is that I am not for you- A lot more will make sense after that.

27

You shouldn't lie to her because if you look deep into her eyes you can see that she clings on to every last word that you have ever said, it's not fair to her to have to live up to the standards of me she'll never reach those expectations. she's trying to take possession of your heart - trying to play my part "Now she's calling your phone and rolling her eyes at me like I'm the one who did her wrong" she knows that my love still lingers through the halls of your mind and these facts just continue to mold her into the possessive little fein she is

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May 20, 2016

May 20, 2016 at 6:29 PM UTC

Number Two .

You shouldn't lie to her because if you look deep into her eyes you can see that she clings on to every last word that you have ever said, it's not fair to her to have to live up to the standards of me she'll never reach those expectations. she's trying to take possession of your heart - trying to play my part "Now she's calling your phone and rolling her eyes at me like I'm the one who did her wrong" she knows that my love still lingers through the halls of your mind and these facts just continue to mold her into the possessive little fein she is

12

I remember those rainy nights when I would lock myself in my room. Because I didn't want to become a victim of your hurtful words & fits of rage. Nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be when it came to us. & maybe it was better that way . Because in the end everything that was wrong for other people Was right for us But I left you And all that I had ever loved was taken away from me that night. The long, run out love letters The high pitched weeping filled voicemails . It made me realize That the endless yelling & countless fights Were all for not . & all trickled down to one more sweet love song I could no longer sing Because now It was no longer in my key.

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Jan 21, 2016

Jan 21, 2016 at 5:14 PM UTC

Another ****** Love Poem .

I remember those rainy nights when I would lock myself in my room. Because I didn't want to become a victim of your hurtful words & fits of rage. Nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be when it came to us. & maybe it was better that way . Because in the end everything that was wrong for other people Was right for us But I left you And all that I had ever loved was taken away from me that night. The long, run out love letters The high pitched weeping filled voicemails . It made me realize That the endless yelling & countless fights Were all for not . & all trickled down to one more sweet love song I could no longer sing Because now It was no longer in my key.

16

The scent of my father never became the norm for me. always foreign. The scent of my mother was one I knew all too well. I loved her smell of vanilla in the winter time . But I think that's all we had in common Our scent . My father on the other hand was like my conjoined twin The same in mind, heart, & soul. But something about his scent just didn't sit well with me So when he came back and told me he loved me I just couldn't . But your heart follows me everywhere I go & I wish it didn't. I wish you would take it back & act like I was nothing to you , Again. Just please do this one favor for me , Love me but leave me alone & take your scent of deception with you .

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Jan 21, 2016

Jan 21, 2016 at 4:57 PM UTC

Vanilla Rain .

The scent of my father never became the norm for me. always foreign. The scent of my mother was one I knew all too well. I loved her smell of vanilla in the winter time . But I think that's all we had in common Our scent . My father on the other hand was like my conjoined twin The same in mind, heart, & soul. But something about his scent just didn't sit well with me So when he came back and told me he loved me I just couldn't . But your heart follows me everywhere I go & I wish it didn't. I wish you would take it back & act like I was nothing to you , Again. Just please do this one favor for me , Love me but leave me alone & take your scent of deception with you .

18

Im scared and everything in me just wants to run and hide so please please just let me have him because he wants me an in this moment all I want to feel is wanted .

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Sep 29, 2015

Sep 29, 2015 at 4:24 PM UTC

Joan .

Im scared and everything in me just wants to run and hide so please please just let me have him because he wants me an in this moment all I want to feel is wanted .

6

Cut off from the world Let's watch as it turns Round and around Watch the sinners burn My generation Probably makes my lords gut turn Deceitful an Caniving Aren't we supposed to be thriving? Wasting time after time Like he's on your dime Dancing with the devil Don't worry he says We're on the same level So you think you have time But you don't Cause it's only a matter of time Before he trips you up An you fall and die Way before your time .

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Sep 17, 2015

Sep 17, 2015 at 8:48 PM UTC

ClockWork .

Cut off from the world Let's watch as it turns Round and around Watch the sinners burn My generation Probably makes my lords gut turn Deceitful an Caniving Aren't we supposed to be thriving? Wasting time after time Like he's on your dime Dancing with the devil Don't worry he says We're on the same level So you think you have time But you don't Cause it's only a matter of time Before he trips you up An you fall and die Way before your time .

19

hidden secrets or beautiful lies you write in me like I'm your notebook that's kept under lock and key. it seems like you were doing all of this, just to humor me. telling me not tell because these are your deepest darkest secrets but in reality your just yelling stay with me. I look at you & I see you drowning or maybe falling off a cliff I know your reading this and saying she must be psychologically insane or the godsister of Cain but you have to understand my point of view. you're writing all these things instilling them inside me showing me that you value every single page you say your done hurting people & that's why you won't leave her you know that's not where you want to be . your heart isn't there - your heart is with me - I should've been more transparent with my feelings - I admit that - causing confusion & feelings of mixed emotions was never my intention I can't let you go they're right about that. so quick to mention my flaws an all - a - that but they're wrong I'm sorry I don't show love like all these other females out here always all up under their man - & holding their hands that's not me I show love through my gestures my voice my eyes my poetry & that's not something I can or want to change about myself & I'm sorry that I needed space & you had to be alone from time to time denying what my heart has been screaming out but I keep feelings like this to myself because I'm my own notebook with my heart under lock & key hidden secrets or beautiful lies you use to write in me like I'm your notebook but now that lock is broken and I threw away the key .

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Sep 15, 2015

Sep 15, 2015 at 11:13 PM UTC

7/23/15 .

hidden secrets or beautiful lies you write in me like I'm your notebook that's kept under lock and key. it seems like you were doing all of this, just to humor me. telling me not tell because these are your deepest darkest secrets but in reality your just yelling stay with me. I look at you & I see you drowning or maybe falling off a cliff I know your reading this and saying she must be psychologically insane or the godsister of Cain but you have to understand my point of view. you're writing all these things instilling them inside me showing me that you value every single page you say your done hurting people & that's why you won't leave her you know that's not where you want to be . your heart isn't there - your heart is with me - I should've been more transparent with my feelings - I admit that - causing confusion & feelings of mixed emotions was never my intention I can't let you go they're right about that. so quick to mention my flaws an all - a - that but they're wrong I'm sorry I don't show love like all these other females out here always all up under their man - & holding their hands that's not me I show love through my gestures my voice my eyes my poetry & that's not something I can or want to change about myself & I'm sorry that I needed space & you had to be alone from time to time denying what my heart has been screaming out but I keep feelings like this to myself because I'm my own notebook with my heart under lock & key hidden secrets or beautiful lies you use to write in me like I'm your notebook but now that lock is broken and I threw away the key .

48