When I was a child,
I acknowledged what happy means,
It was all when I was younger,
Hugging a bear in pink pajamas,
Mom and dad would kiss me goodnight
Mornings used to be brighter and sunny
Afternoons would remind me of playgrounds,
And at night, stars would pierce through the dark.
I grew and grew and grew,
The months and years passed.
And I'd knock at the door in noon,
Kiss my mom's cheeks, "I'm home, mom."
We read books together and I learn a lot.
And learning as I walk through my path,
It seemed strange, really different
As they let go of the grip I used to hold on.
Maybe it meant freedom, I thought...
Was to be "on my own" real freedom?
Is this the solitude that confuses everyone?
Joy is far cry from despair, this is being content,
Now I comprehend, wish I really understand.
And I was a young bird taking off from her nest.
Here I am trying to fly as time flies, too.
And I'd get a little lonlier everyday...
Thinking where would I fly if this ain't home
And all I know is I'm lucky.
Little did I know now,
I have grown a bit from yesterday...
A little bit new from a new day.
I used to know what happiness is,
Did I really know what it meant?
I asked myself and heard no answer.
I thought it was much simpler than I thought.
I thought of dresses on me, cold weathers,
Thought of sweets, 12-hour heavy sleeps,
Thought of love stories and happy endings in books that never existed in real life.
Never did they exist as long as you live.
But those things will never be enough
to satisfy me forever.
I know, I have grown and I was younger back then.
I was the little princess who instantly gets
what she wants back then.
I was the little princess who never knew hard work until she strived hard for something.
Little did I realize how hard it is to take it,
The more I age, the more it slips out of my hands...
And there, I come to its reach.
Happiness isn't something you buy,
But darling, it is something you earn.
It is something you learn from and gain.
A little time with your favorite company is
The first thing that would pop in my head.
Freedom isn't being happy but being right.
It is something worth fighting for,
Until your voice is heard through the people's chaotic and rebellious screams.
And love, a word I have never known when I was young... Until it taught me to smile truly.
Love is something you can't define.
As they define, they just got closer to it its meaning.
Never did they get to touch the word itself.
But, they felt it with it alone.
Ten years ago, I cried over stolen toys I'm tired of playing at my age now.
And now, I cry over things that I knew really matter and I'd never get tired of forever....
I'd cry over bad decisions, trying to get up from my fall as I tried to clean all scars...
Knowing there are more that matters and are worth saving...
Knowing there are things I'd better let go.
And little did I know I grew when I learn,
Little did I know the years as they passed by.
And, happiness is a choice, they'll tell.
And if it was yours, pass it on.
May 21, 2019
7:34-7:40pm
Edited version
May 21, 2019
May 21, 2019 at 10:08 AM UTC
Pacing back and forth
All in empty space
Going in endless rounds
Can be my nightmares
Can be your daydreams
Can be sad beautiful fears
All the dreams, all big things
All the thoughtful prayers,
Wishing countless blessings
The little voice I owned,
I wish you would hear.
Crowds would scream your name,
Trust me, millions love you.
The crowds are your sea,
Sparkling in glee...
And I know, I know...
You might not return.
Hardwork equals to victory
That keeps me happy, too...
Right? I should be, I thought...
Difficult are the days
As I get space
Tighter it gets
To suffocate,
You're a ghost
Haunting me everyday,
Thinking I might mess up
But I'll tell you,
"Don't worry, it's okay.
I'll be just okay."
Fearlessness, I will show.
I fooled the world,
Worse of all, I fooled myself...
Of masks and shiny smiles
Perfect masks never match broken hearts
Cause I just miss you and I wish you know.
Repeating to myself,
" I know you'll come home.
I know you'll wait for me."
Hardly could wait for your return,
As this pain will vanish into air
As I get to meet your eyes once again.
Darling, it's 11:11pm...
And all I wish for everyday is you.
Before the sun sets,
I'll find myself right beside you.
May 17, 2019
May 17, 2019 at 11:42 AM UTC
There you are, three steps away from me
There our eyes met slowly in the middle
I hardly noticed your presence minutes ago
I’d turn away as if I never intended to do this
There you are, three steps away from me,
Denying I felt something when we were in the room
I sat at the corner of this crowded place
You came in as if something has to bloom.
There you are, three steps away from me
We’ve been in this side before, lost in crowds,
The only difference a year and eight months from now is...
I was once the one beside you.
There you are, three steps away from me.
There I’d find you in a short long distance,
It’s hard to walk there at your place,
I’d rather run miles away from that smile I used to know
There you are, three steps away from me...
I am seeing an invisible wall
You’re painted on it
Oh hello, aren’t you the stranger I used to know?
There you are, three steps away from me,
Still can’t believe I couldn’t walk up to you.
Even just to smile and say a little hello
Even just to ask how you’ve been all this time
There you are, three steps away from me.
Can’t believe I’m writing ‘bout you
A year and eight months from now
Realizing you still mattered to me somehow.
Jan 23, 2019
Jan 23, 2019 at 6:00 AM UTC
How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
Loved by the universe, loved by the stars,
To only you, my only heart revolved.
A destined parting, written in mirth's scars.
A parting that never mattered to me,
Wishing you'd remember my votive love
has set thee broken, yet alive and free.
How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
I chased you alone with a beating heart,
You cut my tongue and sadly felt unloved
Spent good times, instead it rips me apart.
I could fill a well water made by tears
Promises I say, only you shall hear.
How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
As I discern cents weigh better than me.
Stood in a dark cloak, pretty and gloved.
And when gone, the universe would not see,
Oh, she was a ghost who loved me...
Oh a lesson learnt when she disappeared.
"How lucky you are, you have me,"
That is what they would tell to you.
But most of all, darling, smile.
Because how lucky you are,
You are loved.
Dec 11, 2018
Dec 11, 2018 at 6:01 AM UTC
If you are war,
Then I am peace.
If you are coffee,
Then I am cream
Love is sugar,
It makes us sweet.
When you are down,
I would dive to catch you.
If you heart crashes,
And breaks into pieces,
Then I would glue them altogether
Even if it takes time.
When the sun rises up,
All because of your smile’s trace
The roses would blossom
As the light colors your face
I would be purely happy
As you are, too.
No matter how busy I could be,
I wanted to tell you,
“You are the one I value the most.”
Do not worry about me, I’m fine.
My pain does not matter much to me anyway.
It would be always for you.
Just wanting to give you something
Receive and keep it for me, love.
My heart is like the shining sun,
But my love for you
Reaches the ends of the universe.
These are the little things
You do for love.
Nov 19, 2018
Nov 19, 2018 at 6:24 AM UTC
This night's been cold,
this night's been warm
bringing me back to a memory
of a summer's parting.
So difficult as it left a trace.
The sun could have risen,
Everyday, I become someone different,
Someone else, 'til I never realized...
How I've lost "me".
Nov 14, 2018
Nov 14, 2018 at 2:31 AM UTC
I’ve been hearing echoes in my head,
I walked and followed the trace,
Listening to them, the whispers said,
“I need you here... right now.”
They led me to a door, it opened.
I went in and there I sat.
They told me stories that were familiar.
Suddenly, the more I hear, the more I feel.
An emotion I can never conceal,
I finally remembered and shed a tear.
They waited me to say a word until I asked,
“Is he still there... still caring?”
Speaking like I had someone beside,
I woke up in my day dream.
I asked the girls,
“Oh, the voices, voices, and whispers
Did you hear them anywhere?”
They shook their heads in a silent no.
Confusion was what their faces show.
I finally recognized,
They’re the voices living in my mind.
At last I realized,
It was merely me.
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 10:49 AM UTC
Her face displayed a smile,
Her skin made out of false matters,
She painted herself in gold.
How beautiful where her skin,
Her skin striking in the sun,
The paint shone bright,
And inchmeal, she melts.
How could you paint
Plastic out of gold?
Have you dreamt of a world
Filled with her infamous thoughts?
Have you lived in a world
Where her existence
Is just a living nightmare?
Beings? Night terrors?
All because of a
toxic Barbie doll.
You sit by my wooden dresser
There in the corner of my bedroom.
Sweeter you look in front of me,
Than the way you chatter behind me.
Every piece I hold onto,
Thee steal and smirk...
Doing it as if I have not yet caught.
You loved taking my heart into your palm.
Breaking them into pieces
And would make ******* out of them.
What a waste for me to let you
Break it for me.
Call me bossy,
Maybe I’m just clever.
You could be so jealous
I guess I’m just smart.
Do you have those brains, too?
I’ve heard you had none.
You’re pulling me down,
While you had nothing to brag about.
The best of me,
Oh that crap of yours,
I give it my all,
While you had none.
Responsibility, what a word.
Recalling the first times,
You seemed to look innocent.
It was memorable
for you never liked me,
Neither did I.
“Best friend”?
It is such a believable name,
Isn’t it? But, I don’t remember it.
“Stop being my friend”
****** then leave me behind.
I would not be the one doing it for you.
Opening your diary,
While you never read mine.
You ask how I was,
I answered, “I’m fine.”
Your concern? Angelic yet fake.
Look now who’s a Barbie in her smile.
I am not playing puppets,
I just knew what to do.
I just had a lot of things in mind,
Wishing you told me yours.
I saw those words you held against me,
“She’s this girl and she’s that.”
You little ****** don’t be such a brat.
My mother taught me gossiping is bad,
Why do you do it to me?
I looked like a villain
but I was just a victim.
Oh, I learned in my life...
How I could say “no”,
It is brave, little one.
And to learn is to never trust
And to never talk to a Barbie doll.
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 7:43 AM UTC
The warmth of December turned cold,
No more events for us to wait
what is Christmas without her?
Joy turned into agony,
losing the spirit of Christmas once more.
Days felt like years have passed
Summer's colors turned plain,
looking back in that sky,
And you're name crosses our minds,
Oh how we wish, we would always wish....
Wish that you're already with Him.
Oct 13, 2018
Oct 13, 2018 at 8:53 AM UTC
The atmosphere, so loud and lively
People dancing with some folk music,
My teacher came up to me
with a worried face.
How nervous I was
to know about my mom's tears,
Wishing what I could have been thinking
is not the tragedy that could have happened.
Motions blurred in my mind,
wishing "don't let this happen to her"
She deserved her life.
I saw my mother's face,
her swollen eyes and her words broke,
"Your grandmother... she passed away."
There I stood on my ground,
I felt like it was about to fall.
The news repeating back and back again,
It was in my head.
Days turned lonesome,
so does my world, too.
Dad drove us to grandma's house,
Flashbacks were running in my head,
grandma's stories and lessons,
How she laughed filled my ears.
As soon as we've dropped,
I saw her walking up to me,
in thin air, it vanished
as if she flew away.
It was the very first time
we came home,
she never greeted me
with her normal self.
But, with a picture where she wore red
with her name on it...
Greeted me outside of her house.
The white flowers never withered
and there I came by
seeing a white and gold casket
waiting for me inside her house.
I saw her sleeping face with a smile,
as if I still saw her breathing her last breath.
Oh how I wish you waited for me
to be back home.
How much I loved to see you waiting
out there for me, grandma.
I even played the lyre for you,
even sang with my guitar for you,
even played the piano for you,
and I fixed my flute and it's already in tune.
But, I know it was too late for me to come by.
Wishing you waved your hand,
and told me you'll be gone for long.
Know that we love you
and we'll miss you forever.
Wishing you'd reply,
"we'll see each other soon, darling,
don't worry, I'm already fine up here."
Looking at your picture frames
filled with your smiles
Grandma, I miss you...
It won't feel the same
going back to grandma's house
Oct 11, 2018
Oct 11, 2018 at 8:32 AM UTC