webster's dictionary defines the word human as a person. webster's dictionary also defines a person as a human being. webster's dictionary defines a word's definition with that word as another part of speech
my definition feels just as far out of reach
when you're teachin us how to think with every word you preach do not be surprised when we **** it up like leeches
why don't you teach us
some history we don't already know
the two male manicurists in the Palace of the King during the Fifth Dynasty of Egyptian pharaohs
were in love
but I didn't learn what gay meant until my preacher spat it out
I froze
the first time I heard the word transgender
I was in sixth grade when my sister
told me she had this friend who felt like a boy
and I had to learn on my own that this body I'm in does not need to be destroyed
no one had ever taught me why my veins shook
I never read that in a textbook
despite transgender people being praised in ancient cultures throughout
the Middle East
Europe
Asia
North Africa
even though transgender people have been recorded in nearly every civilization recorded in human history
but taking History has never taught me any of my history
so it is no mystery to me why when you're asking for a definition
all I can tell you
is webster's dictionary defines the word human as a person and webster's dictionary also defines a person as a human
and I define a definition as whatever webster's tells me
and maybe that fact is the only real thing that defines me
Aug 18, 2015
Aug 18, 2015 at 10:53 PM UTC
dysphoria can be defined as a general unease or dissatisfaction, a discontent
but dysphoria
feels more like a disconnect
my heartbeat feels more like a defect
when it throbs against my shrinking ribcage I can feel that it's making a dent
dysphoria
comes from a greek root meaning "hard to bear"
it is hard to bear
**** it's hard to breathe
literally
physically
I cannot breathe
I cannot be free
dysphoria is when you have to close your eyes while you shower so you can't see
each breath shakes as it comes out of me
there is medical material clung so tightly to my body
it has become an extension of me
and nothing on me belongs to me
I am trapped beneath waves of what I can't stand to be
my body of water
feels more like an anchor
I am drowning
and you can tug at my spine but you cannot feel me
I cannot even feel me
I would do anything to make these ends meet
dysphoria grabs hastily
a current does not care your worth, it just pulls you under
dysphoria does not care if you deserve better
dysphoria is a disconnect
and I haven't found directions
to the end
Jul 26, 2015
Jul 26, 2015 at 8:00 PM UTC
all my daydreams take place at night
with your fingers in my hair
and my head between your thighs
Jul 22, 2015
Jul 22, 2015 at 3:10 AM UTC
you've got me
without you I'm not looking for any eternity
you're holding all of the Milky Way Galaxy
and too small to see, that's me
the man on your moon
couldn't be more stuck on you with glue
I'm your goon
your baby
your love
you've got all my love
with no ties left undone
every string attached
you're my match
as in a light in the dark
I don't know what I've got if not this spark
like Noah's ark
two of every creature
one of you and one of me
we'll sail away together
and know everything the world has for us to see
hear
feel
taste
I can't find my senses
it's a rigged race
and we're winning
baby
it had to be you and me from the beginning
Jul 21, 2015
Jul 21, 2015 at 9:08 PM UTC
everyone you meet takes something away from you
let it be a smile
or a helping hand
or a lesson
or your wallet or car keys
but please don't let it be your self esteem
we put our most valuable possessions in the hands of strangers
you don't have to pickpocket a ribcage to take the beating heart inside, it is wide open
yours for the taking
please handle it gently
please don't let me
reach in and take you out
you are worth so much more than a whistle as you walk down the street
you are worth so much more than the robbery you are about to meet
please
give up your purse
or your credit cards
or your social security number
give away time and space and energy
give away love and wisdom and patience
give away the best you have to offer
but don't give yourself away
don't hinder to what anyone has to say
lock your ribcage and hide the key,
do not give it to anybody
only unlock it to check that it still beats
unlock yourself to others only on your own territory
give away your house
your jewelry
your computer
you cell phone
give away everything else
but keep yourself
Jul 2, 2015
Jul 2, 2015 at 4:40 AM UTC
I used to steal cigarettes from a pack paid
for with my own money from my parents
closet just to gain the slight satisfaction of
how they felt between my fingers
I have never been a quitter
and I don't intend to begin with this
the first night we were together I left a bruise on your thigh
don't you see
I was just marking my territory
baby
I promise
I do not think you are owned by me
but baby,
please belong to me
I know these hands aren't always steady but
they will always try their best to keep you upright
they will always try
until the night I can say it hurts more than it nurtures
but right now
I don't hurt at all
I'm not giving up with every ounce of courage my cold, sweaty palms can muster
do not give up with all of your nurture
with all of your nature
it is human nature
to run now as fast as far as your feet can take you
but now I'm standing still as a statue
trying my best to come true
as a prayer
as a dream
as a wish
I will do my best
to work
and if it doesn't
it will hurt
but every word it was absolutely worth
Jun 23, 2015
Jun 23, 2015 at 3:12 AM UTC
it has been a week since you tried to die.
and I don't know if my body will ever recover because
you wanted your blood on my hands
but all I can feel is your pills pulsing through my veins
my heart hasn't steadied in days
and I'm not doing anything to make it anymore
you never loved me back.
and you can swear to me that it isn't true but it is
this isn't what love does
I thought you were love
I thought you were a band aid
or duct tape
or a seatbelt
or a map
or a lifejacket
but you are not a lifejacket
you are that huge ******* sea
swallowing me whole
you're afraid of the ocean
but you don't know a fear like this
maybe that's why the ocean scares you
maybe its too reflective
maybe you always knew you were going to do this
it's been so easy for you to forget you were all I knew I had
you never loved me back.
a week ago you tried to die.
a week ago you taught me a betrayal I've never known.
a week ago I found myself without a home.
I will never be able to come home again.
you will never be my home again.
I will never know home
Jun 23, 2015
Jun 23, 2015 at 2:49 AM UTC
we get it, poets. things are like other things.
this is a familiar concept to us all so why do we speak in metaphor all the time?
it is because when we tell you we feel like our insides are on fire,
we feel as though we are a house that is burning down until all that remains is a fragile frame accompanied by a pile of ash,
it is not a metaphor
it's a simile, notice my use of like or as
but it is not a metaphor
when you stick a cigarette between your teeth you do not fail to light it
the thing that does the killing will **** you
and you will let it
when you write down the exact amount of pills you took and the number of days you felt worthless tallied into your stretch marks
there is no metaphor there
my poetry isn't metaphor
it is a direct reflection of honest to god feelings
I have never written a poem not meant literally
we get it, poets. things are like other things.
but that is a simile.
things are not other things.
we do not speak in metaphor.
Jun 17, 2015
Jun 17, 2015 at 4:41 AM UTC
it is not uncommon for my younger brother to ask me for help picking out his clothes
but today
he took off his shirt to try on a new one and stopped, looking down, viewing that his stomach stuck out past his chest as most little boys do and said
"I think I'm kinda fat"
he is eight years old
I could probably fit one hand around his entire thigh
he pokes and prods at skin that won't give because what he thinks is fat is simply keeping his organs in
he has already been preconditioned to believe he is not enough
or he is too much
he is eight years old
I don't know whether to tell him he isn't
or to explain to him that he would not be any less valuable if he were because I don't want him to take it as an insult
I don't want him to feel hurt
like I do every time I see myself in a photograph
he is half my age
I ask him why and he grabs his stomach and says
"I see fat"
he is eight years old
May 31, 2015
May 31, 2015 at 8:16 PM UTC
she was 5lbs 3oz
for the circumstances, she wasn't so small
with potential to grow big and strong
but potential is different from promise
Nevaeh
her name is heaven backwards
I suppose because she was born backwards of heaven
her little heart beats so fast
Nevaeh
if her name was Heaven, do you think she still would've been born with hell pulsing through every vein in her body
do you think she would have to recieve nutrients through tubing
do you think her organs would still reject everything that could help her get healthy
do you think her mother would still be allowed to bring home the baby
do you think God would still be trying to take her away from me
Nevaeh
withdrawal is not cute. even on a baby.
Nevaeh
her mother chose for her to be born dying
Nevaeh
there is a better place, potentially
but potential isn't promise
Nevaeh
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 10:49 PM UTC