gabby-k
An anxious slacker with a tendency to disappoint and find too much solace in others. / / / I pretty much write about my constant longing for the approval of others, finding love, and how I lose it easily. / / I'm quite loud and outgoing in person. I tend to stifle the voices of self doubt in my head when around others. Plus, alcohol doesn't hurt. / / I guess you could ask me for Instagram?
When I think of rain I think of you
And the night that it all began
The thundering dismantling of everything that was once
“us”.
The overpowering hymn of the rain
Crashing onto the hood of your pickup
I’m gripping you firmly up against
And as my cries crack into the air
Striking you right there
Making your feelings
Spark.
You really did it this time.
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
I ****** up because
You ****** up because
Who started it?
I can’t remember and it doesn’t matter but
It's easier to say
YOU ****** up .
Everything ceases
And in a flash
I am melting into you
And I only smell the sweet spirit of fresh grass
And the damp cotton bonding to your shoulders
And your breath pressed against mine
And the harmony of
“us”.
That hot spring storm
Was the day have melted a little too far.
We became a flood.
And we drowned in
"us".
Nov 27, 2015
Nov 27, 2015 at 10:53 PM UTC
Quit Date: 10/27 11/1
A billow of smoke wallowing down the side walk
A Marlboro dangling from my lips
Enveloped by gentle sniffles
My glassy doe eyes ringed in charcoal,
Tracing cars whizzing around me like bullets,
And I think about pulling the trigger.
A shuffle and a lean, a simple solution
And as my body collides
With these guzzling hunks of metal
United with the afterlife through searing edges
Flinging my soul from this hollow cavern,
To be reborn in a new shell, or
To greet the most intelligent engineer, or
To hover in between dimensions, or
To be blinded by an ebony cloak of darkness, or
And deafened by an infinite silence.
This ensemble I longed for years ago.
And the sting of the needle
Flashed before my eyes like these swimming headlights.
And it’s 2011, attempt #2, I think,
I’m in my room,
I close my eyes,
I wait to die.
I open my eyes,
I’m in the hospital,
A mummy wrapped in saline-pumping tubes.
And I realize I’m bad at killing myself.
And I realize I won’t feel his finger nails on my collarbone.
And I realize I won’t hear my mother’s piercing cackle,
And I realize I won’t see my brother’s band on tour.
And I realize I won’t smell grass after it rains.
And I realize I won’t taste my name on his tongue.
And I realize I won’t ever get the chance to tell everyone that I’m so happy that I’m bad at killing myself.
I sit on the curb,
With a tight chest,
Shaking hands,
And a stupid grin.
Enough is enough.
I’ll quit smoking the day after Halloween,
This is my last pack.
Oct 27, 2015
Oct 27, 2015 at 9:32 PM UTC
I’ve never thought that love is blind,
Yet somehow when the scars on my heart appeared on my skin,
You could read them with perfect clarity,
Diligently running your weathered hands up and down the brail scrawled on my arms.
When I was having one of my tantrums
And I stopped breathing
And the city skyline swirled around me
You wrapped your arms around me
Said to calm down, to soften up
Because my rough edges sliced open your fingers
Every time you reached out to hold me.
I fell in love with your perfection,
With everything I couldn’t be for you,
And when I realized you weren’t perfect either,
I fell in love a little more.
Jun 10, 2014
Jun 10, 2014 at 6:50 PM UTC
When gentle, expressive croons dance through my ears,
I allow my mind to wander.
You have very neat handwriting for a man who never wears his glasses.
Your fingertips are softer than mine,
And your lips are never chapped.
The smell of smoke makes you feel alienated,
But your grandfather’s lighter is your most prized heirloom.
You told me that you liked to bathe in tubs of ice,
After you saw me
Because if you still felt my name in your limbs,
You weren’t truly clean.
When you looked at me kneeling on your kitchen floor,
It was like you swallowed gun power
Then exploded like those cheap fireworks.
Because, our mouths were always pressed together
I forgot I had my own.
I never had many opportunities to tell you how much I love you.
I pause the music.
I am now cloaked in silence
And 555 people have died.
Dec 28, 2013
Dec 28, 2013 at 3:03 AM UTC
I know why I could only choke out “thank you”, instead of letting the “I love you”s that seethed in the pit of my stomach overflow through my useless mouth.
I know why I bit my tongue before I could allow my quivering lips to part and sing an aria of "forever"s dedicated to you. I would chew my cheeks to shreds until the taste of blood I yearned for coated the walls of my mouth. I savored the crimson slush, eagerly waiting for you to acknowledge me, your pet.
And when we finally kissed, you could taste the copper tinge on my tongue and the juice that lined my insides. It was a reminder that you’re holding something living. That I’m alive. That other human beings have feelings, and that this insignificant body, clinging to you like a newborn, was bursting with feelings for you.
I don’t know if I should be mad at you for leaving, or at myself for thinking that it would end any other way.
I don’t know how to tango, but I let you guide me with your two left feet for over two years. Now I’m stuck dancing the waltz of forgetting with your ghost. Our casual sways leave space for your name to linger, and every time his phantom hands twirl me around, your scent envelops me.
And I don’t know how I’m still in love with you when you’re in love with her.
I can’t turn that into poetry.
I don’t know how to make it beautiful.
Oct 1, 2013
Oct 1, 2013 at 8:56 PM UTC
The tooth fairy will never build a castle
Of your yellow, stained teeth.
She only uses pearls.
But your crooked smile suits you.
On the day you decide to leave me,
You will chop off your left ear
And leave it with a piece of paper,
Your illegible scribbles:
I'm sorry, but it's time for me to Gogh.
This bit of flesh,
My last detached trace of you.
Of you and me.
And our flesh that never detached.
I know I'll muster up a smile,
When reading your corny joke,
While flashing my white smile,
Making your tooth fairy envious of mine.
And that's why I need you to leave without saying goodbye.
Jul 4, 2013
Jul 4, 2013 at 1:02 PM UTC
STEP 1: Once it is all over,
And you are crushing your ribcage,
Hearing your brittle bones crack under the pressure,
As you try to nurse your battered, palpitating heart,
Remember.
Remember why you mustered up the courage,
To acknowledge the gentle, seductive voice
Beckoning your chest to open up,
Exposing your vulnerable insides,
Giving the wicked beast,
The chance to crush your heart once more.
STEP 2: Now run as fast as you can,
Before she can see you cry.
Ignore the burning sensation
Slithering up your flaming legs.
Dismiss your suffocating heart,
Begging you to release it
From your chest's tight grasp.
STEP 3: Keep running.
Jul 1, 2013
Jul 1, 2013 at 7:00 PM UTC
I know where your body lies,
Sunken deep in a pile of sheets
On a bed that doesn’t belong to me,
Sticking to the cotton,
With the honey of another boy’s tongue.
Or you’re in a dimly lit room,
Entangled in a female’s bare legs that aren’t mine,
Urgently whispering a stream of syrup
And your most intimate desires.
In the following moments,
They trigger a series of fireworks.
And the seedy atmosphere
Falls into darkness.
Instead, I take a scalding hot shower,
Replacing the doubt I’ve accumulated
With uncompromised, pink skin.
I bury myself and kiss your lies goodnight.
I tuck them in snugly and hold them close,
Because without your acidic deceptions,
I will face another restless night.
I need as much energy as I can muster,
To endure the strings of false hope,
That will guide me through tomorrow.
Jun 22, 2013
Jun 22, 2013 at 8:56 PM UTC
You were always a challenge,
But I loved wiping the smug looks off your face.
You shot me a half grin when you said
So, are you gonna kiss me, stupid?
And with a racing mind and shaking arms,
I leaned toward the driver's seat,
And kissed you deeper than I thought was possible.
You plunged into the deepest part of me,
And swam through my rivers of blood,
Reaching every corner of my sickly body.
When I broke away from your soft lips,
I sat over my heart, my ribs crushing the damaged *****
And before I could catch my breath,
You lunged toward the passenger seat.
And kissed me even deeper than before.
In utter disbelief, I opened my eyes for only a moment.
While our lips still danced in a close embrace.
The sun's rays streamed through your hair,
And illuminated the wispy, blonde strands.
And spread warmth to my numb limbs.
Ever since that fateful day,
I only saw the sun's rays
And felt their warmth,
When you were near.
Jun 14, 2013
Jun 14, 2013 at 6:45 PM UTC
My skin is raw from the frequent scalding hot showers.
I want to scrub your fingerprints off my body.
I don’t want to smell of your deceivingly sweet nectar,
I don’t want to feel your lingering embrace any longer.
It is no use.
I know that if someone were to kiss my body,
They would taste the insincere plague of your tongue.
They would absorb your flimsy forevers,
And those tender kisses that were meant for only me.
It is no use.
I cannot forget.
It is impossible for me to peel off these imprints.
So instead I will cover them.
I want to tattoo the first time you kissed me all over my body.
I want to tattoo our beach trip on my thighs.
Our day at the amusement park on my feet.
That’s where the skin is thinnest.
Poke close to my fragile bones.
I want it to hurt as much as possible.
It needs to sting.
Jun 10, 2013
Jun 10, 2013 at 3:33 PM UTC