Radioactive sunlight cascading over tendons pulling under scar tissue. Carved out, flesh eaten by buzzards. If she was a real girl, she may have cried. Vultures, all of them.
Hacking at marrow of the innocent. Lilies bloom in her eyes.
Harps in the distance, church bells interrupt to strike eleven times. Glittering like a magic something in the nervous heat.
The illegal existence.
She has bird bones in her box of Him. His prints deeply embedded, even now. He smiles in her memory, flashing teeth. Going extinct.
No longer an easy replication,
but she keeps her shrine.
In her kitchen, petals start to fall in soft disgrace. Time stops.
It has been said, late at night, you can still catch glimpse of her gleam.
May even catch the kaleidoscope in her eyes. They do not understand this. With briar and rose, she turns herself into prose.
Mar 6, 2016
Mar 6, 2016 at 3:18 PM UTC
Prepare for the ache, memorize the thin miles of blue green vein under your skin so you can chart the ebb and flow of potential bruises.
Victim. Masked girl, see how she flies. Falls. Dies.
Watch her make love letters in blue curls, blue dress, forget me nots, loves me yes.
Watch her play house, but never a mother. Watch her play brother, uncle.
Sundown. Sky grows darker with the grime of the underground. Cheap powder, high relief.
Glitter stills in the air, hanging on to dust motes. High jack.
Sometimes her knife slips. At noon, all doom. Darkened laughter. Because injustice. Because woman. Because even molten lava cools. Because razor blades. Because her seams are tailored, but not well. Hiding a secret, but never well. Because no door bell, no peep hole. Blind faith. Fate?
She played the death games with dangerous men and she didn't win. But oh, she didn't lose. Never lost. Just bit off more than she could chew. So she swallowed hard and waited for the hurt. The bleeding. Pain, she knows that old sting. Not quite a familiar friend but something nostalgic.
Watches the red blossom purple like her skin is spring.
The day has lost its luster. Lighting birthday candles, hoping one of these expired wishes will catch flame and spark. It's happened once before. The time she saw hell wallpapered in shades of peeling yellow.
Likes to play detective, fancies herself a good liar. Poker face of gloom.
No reason for polite, for stare, for hands shaking over hidden knowledge.
She is awaiting the burn. Summons strength. Face twisted into a smile pulled by string. Puppet, watch me dance. Show time. Red velvet knees and stained glass shadowed pages. Because ink dries faster than salt confessions.
Because uncle brother and mother are no longer child's play. Rosary choke-chains. Mary was never her savior, tell us, Pope: where was god? I know demon, I know devil. I know pomegranate and mother. I no longer play daughter, I graduated to something more. Silver screen harlot. She's got big, big dreams for a bedroom starlet.
Submerged in the toxicity of blue daytime. Remember when you wanted to make it big? Before your skin became scar and bandage, before you sacrificed body in hopes of keeping your soul?
Poor ****** Poor half-girl. Poor daydreamer, star wisher.
Burned alive, the headlines said. No one read the story, thought char and bone were enough. Didn't read the follow up, didn't read about the missing teeth after the third day. Can't be bothered with the Phoenix, didn't want to realize there is a creature empty enough to poke holes in her brain to let the sun in.
Some wanted fire. She bathed in kerosene. Carried matches behind her eyes.
Not slaughter, sacrifice.
They call her myth.
They call her live wire.
They call her contagious.
They check for symptoms.
They say her demise was a vaccine.
Feb 26, 2016
Feb 26, 2016 at 3:39 PM UTC
And I'm so dark, so dark. Dark.
Dark like heaven must be.
And they don't ask why I feel this way anymore.
They just say my name like it is a razor on their tongue.
And he didn't do this to me- I would never give him that power.
But he made me quiet.
Staring out into the rain pouring over the rooftops of this
godforsaken city of unforgivable sin.
And oh. Oh. I know of the sin.
Quiet. Quiet.
And he rages. Ah.
I am the dark and he is the red.
The blood.
The clench of broken knuckles, ruby.
Ruby. Say it slow. Feel it. Do you?
It should ache.
And the quiet. That should feel tense.
Walking on eggshells- so quick to break.
A quiet that snaps and shatters into his rage.
His quiver. His break.
His molten anger.
They say beauty comes out of destruction.
"They" have never known pain.
He is too loud, too loud, too much.
Then too quiet. Not enough.
I.. Am not enough for him.
And when I touch, he pulls away.
I hide my face.
Brick by brick, I shut myself off from him.
I'm almost completely unreachable.
He says: leave me alone.
He says: I don't want to know.
He says: what now.
He says and says and says but it's never what I need to hear.
I say: nevermind.
I do not say: **** you.
We are in the car.
He swerves,
says: I should run into a pole now.
A tree. That red car. **** that *****
I want to die. Do you want to die today?
He screams.
He rages.
He turns the wheel, hard. Hard.
He lets go.
Hands clenched and rabid and
teeth and gleam and eyes so black, so black.
I've never looked at them before.
I wish I didn't look at them.
I am quiet. I am dark. So dark.
He says: sorry.
He says: this is when you say "it's okay".
I do not say: it is okay.
I say: **** you.
Dec 22, 2015
Dec 22, 2015 at 12:45 PM UTC
I knew a dangerous man.
You wouldn't know what he was.
But I could see the tight clench of broken fists.
The ****** tape carelessly wrapped around the
bleeding breaks in his hardened knuckles.
A murderers kiss is a rush.
It is a pool of water so hot it feels cold.
When was the last time you kissed someone
so passionately it caused your hair to stand on end?
It caused a chill down your spine- quick and ruthless.
I wasn't scared of dark eyes or dark mouths or dark hearts.
I wasn't scared of a bullet or a gun or an ******
that starts with a rope and a whip and
ends with bruises and my body pressing into broken drywall.
I smile at the danger in the threat.
Our intensity crumbled our surroundings.
We were the flash. The flame.
He was the thrill, I was the ******
Have you ever wondered what hell was like?
People don't speak of the days they spend there.
They don't talk about the tortured memories that keep them awake.
A smoky afternoon and broken glass.
Cigarettes flung out the window with your decency.
Mangled innocence is okay as long as you
keep it contained enough to sweep out of the room after you're done.
Eyes like a black hole. Shaking desires.
And when he says beg, you close your eyes and feel the fire.
Have you ever loved a wild man?
Have you made him moan in the dead of night?
Have you ever been a pane of glass?
Have you ever had a brick thrown through you and been alright?
Have you ever known a bleeding devil and made his bed your home?
Have you licked his blood and tasted your doom?
Nov 29, 2015
Nov 29, 2015 at 2:04 PM UTC
Ever loved someone like
laying on the carpet in pain
watch the shadows on their face change
see the door open and close
these days the sunlight always looks the same
Nov 29, 2015
Nov 29, 2015 at 1:28 PM UTC
Rope.
You hung me from your neck and laughed at the choke.
At the blue.
At the fumble of breath.
Ownership.
And a month later, me telling you about the the others.
And the others.
And you- swinging. Blind. Crying.
And me. Laughing.
Teeth glinting in the dim light from the top of the basement stairs.
And the police, in all of their sirens and lights and urgency.
Saving the day saving the night saving lives.
And you- lying on the ground.
Help me, you say.
The police rush to you.
And the door- knives steady and deep in the wood.
My hands are stronger than they look.
My accuracy unmatched.
And me- handcuffed over the red spattering on my shirt,
being forced into the backseat.
"Who's blood is this?" They ask.
I am quiet. Cold. Stone.
I am laughing.
The darkness swallows me.
I am 18.
I have arterial spray on my cheek.
The officer asks for a reason.
A why. Why why why.
That's what they all want to know.
But I grind my teeth.
This car ride is boring me.
The handcuffs are loose, I slip my arm out of one.
I smile in the quiet of the backseat.
Life is too easy for me.
A November memory.
Nov 13, 2015
Nov 13, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC
How old are we all, really?
All the years you spent playing catch up.
Running with your broken legs.
More sinister than it seems.
No patrol, no not today sir.
Dead hair in sink drains.
I forgot everything I ever learned at 14.
Fell down the rabbit hole.
Ivy clinging to houses, pulling down walls.
You're pushing up daisies, at least last time I heard.
Somewhere your mother cries and the bells begin to toll.
Blowing old dandelions out,
trying to cash my expired wishes and bring you back.
Wonder how old you were the first time you died.
I was 7.
12.
14.
After that, 16.
Ask me again tomorrow.
Drowning in bathtubs.
Falling out of nests.
Our baby bird wings weren't ready yet.
Cutting your hair at night, rainbows blooming.
Empty train stations with bricks as our luggage.
Nothing left to dream of.
Green water spilling out from beneath the potted plants.
Life is a domino effect.
I've been living in shades
since the day they buried me in robins egg blue.
All I'm really trying to tell you is babe,
I miss you.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 1:42 PM UTC
Dripping peach juice down our chins,
chasing each other in the fiery sunset.
Veins popping out of your arms
begging something I couldn't quite make out....
You would draw me.
Charcoal.
My body blown up on the big screen,
my curves soft like the smoke you were blowing out of your mouth.
The ***** videos,
followed by the sweet ones,
the ones with the sun in my hair,
our laughter electric as we fell down the rabbit hole.
The spray paint we dropped on the roof
as we ran from the sirens in the distance.
Electric, electric, you are my electricity.
No one can catch us if we float on air.
You said
"will you be my girl, will you be bad for me?"
And I slid down the slide, my legs scraping the mulch.
"For you babe. And you only."
The curve of your spine against my arm.
The freckles on your back,
the fine hairs on your neck pressing into my lips.
The warmth.
The light coming through the blinds,
your face illuminated.
You throwing up under the streetlights,
windows fogged, sleepy eyes saying:
cmon love lets just make it home.
Everything is gonna be okay, the police are gone..
Cut your losses, let's make it home.
Christmas trees in bay windows,
we watched them jingle.
I would leave love letters under your pillow,
in your car, whisper them to you as you drove.
Magic.
You're a magic man.
And in your boxes- your hidden treasures..
I would stare at them until you set me under another spell..
Your dark hair wrapped up in my fingers..
Another sunset.
Asleep in the back of your jeep,
in the middle of the woods,
river water burning my throat.
Listening to you *****
always vomiting,
always kissing.
Peach juice dripping.
Nov 7, 2015
Nov 7, 2015 at 3:10 AM UTC
I am growing faster than the grass
that covers our front lawn and somehow
I only need more affection.
I am often in tears after 4 pm.
I stay in my room wishing for things.
You might throw a question my way,
do not be offended when I stumble down
the dark hallway.
Do not be alarmed when I wear the same shirt for 3 days
and do not tell me I am beautiful.
Listen to me when I tell you I am not in the right body.
My whole life no one has believed me.
I only wanted to be perceived as worthless for three years,
I don’t know how you overcome that.
I don’t know how I’m still alive.
A lot of times I see myself as invincible.
How I wish I was not.
I get tired when the sun comes up,
and when it goes down.
I will die in less than ten years,
so all that I have strived for will be for nothing.
I will die in nine years and one month.
I know why my caged soul sings.
I’ve been digging my grave since birth.
I was born backwards,
racing towards something over the horizon.
I cry in the morning.
I hold myself a lot.
Some days I wake up blind.
Some days I want to carve my poetry into my veins.
I wish I was never born
and I wish you died in a fire.
I wish you never moved here from Chicago.
At 14 I cracked the veil and I went crazy.
I think there’s something wrong with me.
I think there’s something WRONG WITH ME.
I told you my secret
and you called me insane.
I wish you drowned in a bathtub as a child
I wish you had ugly eyes
I wish you got hit by a car
I wish I shot you in the head
I wish I shot you dead
I’m a sick girl
My head is coughing
My heart has a virus the doctors have no cure for
They stand over me with medicine
That I already know will not help me
I think there are worms in my intestines
I think my skin is rotting
My blood is turning to sewage
Do I smell yet?
I think I belong in a hospital
Nov 2, 2015
Nov 2, 2015 at 7:48 PM UTC
He said:
"let's pretend you don't come in waves of blue hair and mystery."
Lets take these shots so you can be a bad girl for me.
And I stood there toeing a half empty beer can
with my beat up boots thinking
"what the **** dude?"
He said I want to get to know you,
I want to see if what they say is true.
I look up through the smoke and the lights and the crowd
and tell you "It is".
And this excites him. "Oh yeah baby I know what you are".
"What am I? I thought was nothing but a blue haired mystery, an enigma, a presence to be desired...",
and he leans in to me, his gin soaked breath in my ear:
"You love, are a ******* temptress."
So now I have been reduced to all damsel all lust all distress.
Those stupid princes never stop to wonder
if the pretty face in the tower even wants to be rescued.
Cause babe, I never asked to be saved.
Cause maybe I have built these walls to keep men like you out.
Or maybe I just wanted to have the chance to
invite you in on my own terms.
Maybe I just wanted to be able to escort you out.
This has never been my prison, this is my tower.
My legacy.
Nov 2, 2015
Nov 2, 2015 at 1:32 PM UTC