outstretched hands
overlapping timelines and lives
circling back to the same origins
and stretching far enough out to forget them
promises twirled around fork prongs
paths meeting and crossing and departing
held together by cohesive experiences and sauces
the chaos of our own existence
shouldn't prevent us from taking a bite
Mar 5, 2023
Mar 5, 2023 at 12:15 AM UTC
our affection has an expiration date
like a gallon of milk
left in the door of my fridge
we only have so much time together
this is an objective fact neither of us can deny
so why is it that I'm trying to clutch onto every moment
convince you to stay longer
while you use it as a reason to be cautious
keep things as painless as possible
for when that
milk finally turns sour
Jun 15, 2022
Jun 15, 2022 at 6:53 PM UTC
our protective measures
keep each other
at bay
years of abandonment,
tears shed without
reciprocation
has dragged us
to this
stalemate
you're not
supposed to
meet
someone
new
someone
kind
someone
healing
while you're healing
yourself
Jun 15, 2022
Jun 15, 2022 at 12:55 AM UTC
the mutual tenderness
between us
feels nice
even if its fleeting
fingers intertwined
shared laughs
tugs on the hems
of cotton tshirts
adjusting the radio volume
in your car
squeezing the dish soap from sponges
in your sink
peeling back the sheets
in your bed
moments feel intimate and infinite
Jun 13, 2022
Jun 13, 2022 at 5:53 PM UTC
this is the first time I've been seriously single in five years and its honestly refreshingly boring. I love not having to run my thoughts by anyone else but myself. I love just waking up and only thinking about myself for that day. I love how my entire existence revolves around my choices and how I want to spend them. but that being said, its incredibly boring sometimes. I want to share my mind with someone other than myself. its not even affirmation that I crave, it would just be nice to hear something else than just my own thoughts echoing back at me.
Jun 13, 2022
Jun 13, 2022 at 2:12 PM UTC
as I was driving
I saw a man taking down
the "for sale" sign out front
of his yard
and I thought to myself
did someone buy his home
or did he give up trying
to pass it off to
someone else
either way though
the little green house
with the front porch
was no longer available
he has resigned
either his home
or his attempts to
move on from it
Jun 13, 2022
Jun 13, 2022 at 2:10 PM UTC
you hold my hand while I'm on the phone
you kiss my shoulders while I do the dishes
you stroke my hair while I cry
you laugh at my jokes while I try to impress you
your tenderness is something so foreign to me I keep pinching myself to see if I'm just making it all up
Jun 13, 2022
Jun 13, 2022 at 2:04 PM UTC
I have loved and been loved back.
I have rejected some and been rejected back.
But the most painful love of all,
was the unrequited love I show myself.
May 18, 2022
May 18, 2022 at 4:55 AM UTC
I really love you, or the potential I see in you. Your empathy draws me in but your insecurities push me away. You project your pain onto me and tear into me with your words. But I can't hate you, because I see the your same pain inside me. You don't mean to hurt me the same way I didnt mean to hurt you. It's innocent and mutual torture. We set ourselves on fire and now I'm just watching us burn.
May 15, 2022
May 15, 2022 at 3:03 PM UTC
What really bothers me about this whole situation is how I know for a fact he’s just sleeping peacefully right now and I’m still wide awake wondering if my thighs are too wide or my skin isn’t clear enough or my jokes are too crass or there’s some reason he doesn’t find me attractive and therefore I am just an emotional support dog he gets to use in the mean time before he can run home to his girlfriend who is just some Freudian excuse for a mother figure. And i hate that it really was a personal thing when rejected with me because when they were at their worst, he still looked other places-any places for girls other than me. He really decided that the most annoying, disposable people were better options than i am because for some reason our connection makes us too compatible, too real to be an option and now im left looking like an idiot to everyone because everyone knows im stooping to his level for him to like me and he still rejected me and i don’t understand what about me is so off putting that everyone rejects me. Did i read too much as a kid, do i ask too many questions, are my arms to fat? I dont understand what i did that he decided i was almost good enough, or good enough in every aspect except for one. I genuinely think that if i was 30 pounds lighter he would have thought of me differently, flirted with me from the beginning, and now the issue is that since we’re friends- a position only reserved for girls ugly enough to never be considered, and he sees how compatible we really could be, he chooses someone else. And what do i really see in him? I always thought it was emotional intelligence but this semester has proven it to be otherwise. I hate how i am a provider for every group i am in, i never grew up out of the eldest sister role. One friend whines to go out to the bars and i accommodate no matter how much I didn’t want to go, i make another’s dumb jokes seem funny to others, i reach out to the socially rejected and try to create space for them and yet even those who love me the most prioritize their own needs because they "don't owe anyone anything." What’s it like to have relationships where you dont live in fear that youre not worth other people’s time? What’s it like to never consider how other people are feeling when opening your mouth? I cry randomly not just for myself but for his girlfriend because she probably feels the same form of neglect that I do and doesn’t even realize why. I know i look like an idiot, but she might look worse. But should i pity her? She behaves similarly to him. I don’t think i could even survive a relationship with him, too much to change for both of us. But honestly I’ve never met a man who can match me emotionally, he’s the only one who comes close. Hes smart, and kind and values communal support over his own. But also he’s a selfish ***** That’s what i don’t understand, how can he only want to **** me when he’s drunk? How did I make all of this up? How can he tell me I’m gorgeous "platonically?" i just feel like every choice I’ve made this semester has been so embarrassing and i feel like the embodiment of the character whose faults are commodified as modern feminism or some sort of coming of age Bridget jones narrative when in reality women like me are genuinely just treated like this all the time because we’re average. Average intelligence, average looks, etc. but thats the enraging thing; not only do i know im not average, I know im buying into misogyny every time i get angry. But im always angry. All the time. I can cry at the drop of a hat because of how angry I constantly am. I hate everyone I know and i hate that i could probably do it so much better than they are. I could be a better friend, a better boyfriend, etc, and i just feel so let down by everyone i know. I hate that everyone I’ve ever kissed has been ugly to me. Why dont attractive boys like me? Am i not picky enough? Do i think im more attractive than i actually am? I used to think that my personality could carry me because i know I have a good personality, but it has come to fruition that my personality has no effect. I’ve met some of the most boring and unfunny girls in my life and they always pull more than i do. Like as someone who isn’t attracted to them i literally want to rip my own eyelashes out than actually hold conversation with them and yet boys still are drawn to them. is he even capable of loving me? Is the friend zone this damning? Is it only damning because im subpar? Is this how his past girlfriends felt? Even she was able to hook up with him, he apologizes for even considering me. Does he consider me? Has he even considered dropping his girlfriend or is that just something he says when he’s drunk? How can what you say drunk not be something you mean at all? How can you be two different people? How does your subconscious differ that greatly? Will you regret this one day? Will you come around? I literally just can’t comprehend this rejection. I was so certain. I ended a relationship after 5 years because of my certainty. I dont know what im even expecting though, dating him would be kinda weird. Is this the kind of relationship where we get together in our 30s when there’s no drunk hookups on yatch parties left to be had. If i tried to make out with him this weekend at the yatch party would he reciprocate? I hate that my literal best friend in the world would use me. That’s the worst kind of loyalty. I hate that he’s so “loyal” to his girlfriend that he’d shake me off. I hate how he’s conveniently “out of his mind” when he’s drunk and calling me beautiful but conscious enough to not cheat on his girlfriend because that would be “too far.” Why am i too far? Why is considering me so damning? Is this love to him? He says he loves me, why does none of this feel like love? I think about him literally 24/7 and i know for a fact he doesn’t consider me until im looking him in the eye begging him to stop leading me on. Why did he choose to do this to me? Why does he only want me when he can blame it on the alcohol? Am I ugly enough that you need alcohol to justify your attraction to me? Should i try to kiss him this weekend for the heck of it or will that literally push me over the edge. Will that be the final straw? I am constantly trying to prove that what i saw was legitimate that i didnt just make the whole thing up. I hate this.
May 11, 2022
May 11, 2022 at 4:51 PM UTC