[feb]
2020 was the year of discomfort and change
through a chain of spontaenous events or accidents
i started work as a prisons counsellor, with no experience to my name
in an unfamiliar sea of faces, setting and processes
i encountered foreign species called case concepts and case discussions
[apr]
although i loved what i did,
when the storm came 2 months into work
it felt like a struggle to breathe
alternating between
head over water
and water over head
lifebuoys were thrown at me
but in the cold and darkness
i found it hard to see
at the same time i started learning to climb
loving the challenge to the top
despite my fear of being high up the rocks
the climbs were accompanied by countless falls
and there were times i let my fear conquer it all
[dec]
after a year of discomfort and change
through waves of self-reflection and self-confrontation
climbing into and above myself after much pain
learning to savor the beauty between and within each complication
i'm slowly befriending the species of case concepts and case discussions
and though i know there is more that has yet to happen
and the climbs are still accompanied by countless falls
whether the highs or the lows, i've learned (and am still learning) to love it all
Dec 26, 2020
Dec 26, 2020 at 8:38 AM UTC
i made sworn enemies out of Monday.
fumbling, ruminating.
clock ticks by;
helplessly hiding,
glass encloses me.
"i don't understand...
why does it have to be so hard?"
like a pendulum,
fumbling, swinging,
between hope for the future,
and despair for the inevitable.
don't get me wrong,
even i tried hard at something once:
piano, guitar, ukelele,
stories, poetry, photography...
even i had moments,
of rainbows and roses;
while fully aware,
of storms and thorns.
like a pendulum,
fumbling, spinning;
dizzy from pain,
or happiness, depending.
i don't understand...
why life has to be so hard.
May 12, 2019
May 12, 2019 at 12:35 AM UTC
spinning round and round, i
cry into the eternity,
that i've chosen to hide myself in,
i can't go back now.
this dark pain in me,
stains the grey clouds, till it
seeps into my skin, continuing,
i'm just tired of numbness,
i don't know if i can ever
survive the empty night.
if you pushed me one more step,
if i told you how i felt,
we might not return from here,
we could never turn back.
if i took just one more step,
if i closed my eyes, made a choice,
maybe it won't matter then,
because all will fade to black.
maybe this is all a dream,
maybe nothing else is real,
you and everyone around,
blurring faded figurines.
maybe my heart stopped existing,
the moment i breathed the night,
paralyzed in uncertainty, i
fall into a deep nightmare.
will time start turning again?
will i find myself again?
in this icy world where i have paused,
but the world keeps on flowing.
maybe someday i won't mind,
maybe one day it won't matter,
because i will use these hands and
make it all fade to black.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 10:27 AM UTC
We won't always remain who we think we are.
By chance, hard work, or just through
Our natural trajectory of life,
We transform into a stronger, wiser, better, us.
I used to fail physical education.
Never into sports, hated it with a passion.
Now I exercise thrice a week -
Skateboarding, ice skating, muay thai, & yoga.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still physically weak.
Only liking exercise
Just enough to be healthy.
When my first love broke my heart,
I felt like being torn apart.
Heart swelling like it's been stung
By all the hurt I couldn't contain.
But as I grew larger my heart stretched,
Now accommodating
Both love and pain.
I was never one for religion,
And surprised myself when I started reading,
Thinking about God,
Wondering, hoping...
I always thought I had a gift for pessimism.
"Why so emo?" they liked to chime in.
It took a spiral to the sightless abyss,
Before I found comfort in the darkness.
With blinded eyes I've seen a fraction
Of the world's beauty,
Filling me
With a thirst for more,
To scents and sounds I've never been.
Life finds us in funny ways,
We are capable of more than we think.
Doing things greater
Than we ever imagined.
Change is the only constant,
And to change is to grow,
To grow is to live.
To remain stagnant is to regress,
And that is the opposite of living.
Mar 31, 2018
Mar 31, 2018 at 9:20 AM UTC
awkward and easily misunderstood,
he only eats fried food.
hates exercise with a vengeance,
"you're gonna die before me", i always tell him.
he weaves something out of nothing,
in him i found what i was lacking.
pushing through stress, pain and fear,
with pvc, glue, pen and paper.
while the world dreams he's awake,
structures, rhythms, games he creates.
even when he sleeps his eyes are half-open,
his heart in the stars and his mind full of wonder.
to the you who constantly creates,
even when darkness inhibits;
i'm proud of what you've done and made.
you with your weird blue chinese jacket,
unkempt hair and dark eye bags;
constantly tinkering,
shining from within.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 1:46 AM UTC
have you heard about the goldfish,
with the three-second memory?
lost, helpless, forgotten...himself.
they said, "in this unforgiving bubble, give it two days, he'll be dead."
he swam around aimlessly, swallowing their words;
waiting for death.
but he came upon an orange fish, much like himself;
and then another,
and then another.
he stopped and realized, he was not alone in his woes.
they supported each other through the cold waters,
for they knew they could not make it alone.
emerging from the depths not many have been,
they could finally say it with enough certainty -
"PS: did you know?
goldfishes have months-long memories."
Jun 17, 2016
Jun 17, 2016 at 12:05 PM UTC
you shunned when the light came through,
tousled hair, eyebags hanging loose.
you were always good at navigation,
your future though was in the opposite direction.
your smiles were fueled by smokes and dreams,
effervescing in snowglobes of sleepless mist.
i was merely a fly attracted to fire,
hoping your tendrils could propel me higher.
when you learnt that i glowed in the night,
eyes shut tight, you extinguished the light.
he was a fly who wanted to be a dragon,
his gaze held beats of 25 per second.
they said it'd sting when he touched me,
the devil's needles, they called him.
whoever believed in those stories,
couldn't be any more sorry -
dragonflies can't hurt fireflies,
for they're both creatures of the night.
Sep 19, 2015
Sep 19, 2015 at 7:33 AM UTC
once upon a time,
there was a tiny cactus in a large valley.
the tiny cactus lived day by day,
going about its cactus routines.
he wasn't happy, he wasn't sad;
he didn't feel, for he didn't have to.
one night, the tiny cactus felt little droplets of salvation
free-falling from above.
the water droplets filled him up and embraced him,
from inside out and outside in.
soon, he himself started to produce tiny droplets as well.
he remembered now,
he had experienced this phenomenon - rain - before.
he had waited through
countless waxing and waning of the moon
for the rain to return again.
but it never did, and his walls grew tougher
until he didn't need the rain anymore.
and now that it was back, now that he could feel again...;
despite the thickness of his walls,
gentle streams of fluid were flowing out of him.
now that the rain finally came back,
all the tiny cactus could do was cry.
Jun 14, 2015
Jun 14, 2015 at 3:56 AM UTC
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
running and tripping and falling and running.
crying till i'm laughing till i'm crying.
"i can't feel anymore. not you, not myself."
but still it hurts, it hurts,
it hurts.
Apr 25, 2015
Apr 25, 2015 at 2:26 AM UTC
if i memorized an ice cube,
and time melted its looks;
nothing has been killed,
you are still you.
rain falls, goodbye.
the look in your eyes,
my facade of a smile,
nothing is the same now.
twisting internally,
in ways you can't see.
the sun came out to play,
but you were too far away.
if i smothered my sparks,
and followed you into the dark;
oh, what i'd ****
for you to still be you.
Apr 21, 2015
Apr 21, 2015 at 4:01 AM UTC