Dear you,
In this moment that I’m embracing the sadness of the night where I sit in front of my screen, kissing my hair blown by the wind off the window – I remember you and those nights we used to talk. Those nights I longed for affection while you stood there beside me – charming my desolation. We eased each other, resonating what have gone wrong from our past. We filled our nights with comfort and terror of the impermanence in between us. Those were the nights when we’ve had our hearts broken, yet we claimed we were both okay. I’ve spent limited instants with you through phone calls, messages, and few dates. I’ve dedicated time and effort while you just gave me what I needed – an ample amount of attention and affection and I thought:
This is fine. Hell, everything will be fine. There will be no expectations. Strictly no attachments.
But you accidentally hit a part of me, took a piece of me, and eventually consumed a chunk of me. You’ve entered my thoughts, my quiet world. And I loathed myself for having you through. You whispered I love you in between our kisses, and I whispered it back to you. You hugged me as soon as we have met and kissed my hair every time I’m not looking straight at you. You held my hand everywhere, unafraid of what people might think. You cheered me up on those rough days I’ve had. And called me baby, in moments I thought I have already lost you.
Yet, those weren’t enough. Oh, I have guaranteed long time ago that they weren’t enough. To have the assurance that you’ll stay by my side. Every day, we were being haunted by the insubstantiality of our relationship. We never really defined what we were, so what is there to hold on? We were part-time lovers blinded by our emotional needs. We only tricked ourselves risking the better version of us together. We were good friends, not until we started playing this game.
So I’m here, wide awake in the middle of the night. Writing in front of my screen, alone with my feelings, languishing by the thought of not having you around. Again, I’m longing for affection. But this time, I’m facing it alone.
So now, with everything in hand – the blurry pictures of what we had, memories I’d never want to collect and mixed representations of feelings you have delivered upon me – I want you to know that I’ll miss you. I’ll miss the pseudo-relationship we’ve had. How you tried to consider my permission whenever you go out with friends or how we pseudo-fight about petty matters, how you ridiculously call at 4 in the morning checking if I’m still awake, and that one time you texted my friend checking if I were drunk. I’ll miss everything. Especially those little things you’ve done that gave me warmth. You’ve captured my attention even just for a rough time. You actually have had my hopes up that there might truly be an ‘us’.
I’ll miss you, really.
But I wish I really have had you.
Because you could have had me.
liz, a letter from my 2014 self
Feb 10, 2017
Feb 10, 2017 at 6:34 AM UTC
Thinking how stupid one must be
To fall repeatedly
Get hurt every single time
And still manage to do the same
Over
And over
Again
I wonder
How many times I will have to hit the ground
In order to learn to stop falling in love at first
I often say things
That should be left unsaid
I often say things
That should not be done
Sleep in bed unfamiliar
Make believe love to strangers
Get to know people who will not remember me tomorrow
I am gone as quickly as the hangover
I can be washed off the tongue
Just quickly as the liquor
I often believe I am capable of inciting change
I kiss temporary lips with permanence
Hoping that I can train them to stay
I love temporary people with permanence
Hoping that I can train them not to leave
And when they do
I claim to have seen it coming
I am incapable of forgetting
A scrapbook memory of skin and heartbeat
Or touch and moments
I know not to look directly into eyes
For they can be blinding
And I still
Do it anyway
Jun 12, 2015
Jun 12, 2015 at 1:50 AM UTC
*"Let's end the day of sadness
That make us feel in madness
Ask in a way of forgiveness
That make us feel liveliness
Start a day right in happiness
Through bad and good ways of daintiness
We should live full of willingness
In a short period of time, and it's realness"*
May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 5:02 PM UTC
Pangako yan at totoo. Hindi ko alam kung magiging gaano kahaba o kung kasya ba sa isang piyesa,
ilang pahina, ilang minuto ang ihahaba, itatagal nito at posibleng hindi ko agad makabisado pero pangako yan,
ito na ang huling tula na isusulat ko para sayo.
Itaga mo to sa bato, abutin man ako ng umaga dito hindi ko ipipikit ang mga matang ito..
uubusin ko ang lahat ng salita na posibleng tugma ng pangalan mo o anumang tawag ko sayo,
mahal, sinta, irog, pangga, babe, bbq, bae, beb, asawa ko, mhine, kulet, kapal, kupal, hayop, pa, p*ng ina ka ano pa ba..wala akong pakialam kung abutin man ako ng ilang talata dito,
pero hindi ko na pwedeng patirahin lang dito sa loob ko ang mga salitang ito kaya pangako,
ito na ang huling tula na isusulat ko para sayo.
Magsisimula ako sa umpisa, sa kung paanong nginitian mo ako at tinanong kung san ako nakatira.
hindi mo nga pinansin ang mga agiw sa dingding, hindi ka nga natinag sa ipis na biglang dumating sa iyong pagbisita..
pero hindi mo rin man lang din tinignan ang mga libro na nasa tabi ng kama kong natutulog din, at tangi ko noong kapiling.
Magsisimula ako sa umpisa, sa kung paanong niyakap mo ako nung sabihin ko sayong "mahal kita.."
sa kung paanong hinalikan mo ako sa noo sabay sabi na "mahalaga ka.."
at ako naman tong si tanga, tuwang tuwa na hindi pa nalinaw nga na
ayaw ko na maging mahalaga, ayaw ko na maging halaga..
Hindi ako antigong salamin na matagal mo nang pag aari
na tinitignan mo lang para ipaalala sa sarili mo na maganda ka, ayaw ko na maging mahalaga..
hindi ako telepono **** dudukutin lang sa bulsa kapag kelangan mo ng solusyon sa kawalan mo ng koneksyon sa mundo **** masyado ng malawak para bigyang atensyon ka pa, ayaw ko na maging mahalaga..
hindi ako kuwintas na isusuot mo lang sa piling-piling mga okasyon
kapag meroong mga sitwasyon na pakiramdam mo ay kulang ka pa
Hindi ako para ibalik sa loob ng isang kahon kapag matutulog ka na sa gabi sa takot na masakal ka sa yakap ko kapag mahimbing ka na,
o ibalik sa loob ng isang kahon at itabi sa sulok ng isang aparador
sa takot na manakaw ako ng iba, ayaw ko na maging mahalaga..
Ang gusto ko ay mahalin, ang kelangan ko ay mahalin..
kelangan ko na mahalin mo ako gaya ng kape mo sa umaga
tanggap ang tamis at pait, kelangan para sa init
pero hindi isinasantabi dahil lang nanlamig na..
kelangan ko na mahalin mo ako gaya ng sarili **** opisina
kabisado kung para saan ang ano, kabisado kung saan nakatago ang alin
kabisado ang mga tinatago kong patalim, silbi, dumi, lihim..patalim, silbi, dumi lihim...
kelangan ko na mahalin mo ako gaya ng unan mo sa gabi, niyayakap sa ginaw, sinasandalan kahit na mainit, binubulungan ng mga pinakatatago **** panaginip
ayaw ko na maging mahalaga, ang gusto ko ay mahalin, ang kelangan ko ay mahalin..
at nagsulat ako noon para lang mahalin mo ako, kaya patawad pero magsusulat ako
hanggang sa maubos ko ang lahat ng salita na posibleng tugma ng pangalan mo
patawad pero magsusulat ako para patawarin mo ako..
dahil minsan may nakapagsabi saken na ang taong hindi raw marunong magpatawad ay hindi makapagsusulat
kaya mahal sa pagkakataong ito
sa huling pagkakataon na magsusulat ako ng tula para sayo
gumawa tayo ng kasunduan, patatawarin kita pero patatawarin mo rin ako.
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagtahan at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagluha
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pananahimik at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagsasalita
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pag alis at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pananatili
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko sayo paglimot at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo saken pagpili mahal
gumawa tayo ng kasunduan patatawarin kita pero patatawarin mo rin ako.
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagbitiw at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagkapit
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko paglayo at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo paglapit
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagsuko at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo pagsugal
Patawarin mo ako sa hindi ko pagkamuhi sayo at patatawarin kita sa hindi mo saken pagmamahal, mahal
gumawa tayo ng kasunduan patatawarin kita pero patatawarin mo rin ako
para sa wakas ay matapos ko na itong tula na masyado ng matagal na nakatira dito
at patawad kung magiging masyadong mahaba at marami masyadong bulanas
pero pangako huli na to, huli na to, huli na to...
Magsisimula ako uli sa umpisa, sa kung paanong nginitian mo ako at tinanong kung san ako nakatira.
Magsisimula ako uli sa umpisa, sa kung paanong nginitian mo ako
Magsisimula ako uli sa umpisa,
Magsisimula ako uli...
Magsisimula ako....
Ito na ang huling tula na isusulat ko para sayo, mali...
Ito na ang huling tula na isinulat ko tungkol sayo
Iniibig kita, at ubos na ubos na ako...."
May 12, 2015
May 12, 2015 at 12:11 PM UTC
letting go, you feel it with darkness
letting go, you feel it with strange
letting go, you feel and I feel it with you;
let go, let it go, just go.
{f.c.d-}
Dec 26, 2014
Dec 26, 2014 at 7:46 AM UTC