i wish you could've seen me today.
i sat out in front of the library thumbing through old issues of food and wine
played miles hodges and zora howard in my ear
picked at leaves
and let the sprinkle of rain and tugging wind caress me
i stupidly imagined it was you gently patting my head instead.
my knees would attempt to give out in my walk around campus whenever your smile appeared in my thoughts
a grin widening from cheek to cheek
it creases your eyes and makes you look wise
older, i think.
also,
yesterday i said i wouldn't write any more love poems
and by God, i meant to have meant it
but what's a girl to do when you have a smile like that!
for now i read bits of my aldanov, cram accounting, shuffle from bed to the library, tutor, pray, and fast like a good girl.
no music, no friends, no sugar, no oversharing, and **** sure no boys.
i've been trying so long now to only care about the deen.
cocoon in the Qur'an, never miss or delay a prayer, never miss an opportunity to fast or do remembrance. and most of all don't desire!! especially something as silly as a boy from a different world, completely unmoved or disturbed at best by crazy ole ugly little me. i seriously want to just disintegrate into nothing. be nothing. do nothing but pray and read.
but every browning page reminds me of your skin. and the rain, your smile. i'm sorry. sorry that i'm here where you are. sorry that i'm so, so obviously enamored with you. sorry, that i can't hide it. sorry that i can't stop it. sorry that i can't do better. i'm sorry.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:21 AM UTC
from [redacted]. to [redacted]. to [redacted].
1.
first impressions have always failed us.
i'm sorry.
sweet and shy quickly burned into a numb saccharine.
i apologize for the unpleasantries.
for i know that i may appear gentle but i do bite
and i merely wanted to show you my teeth.
2.
you're beautiful.
i could never tell you so up close
but since we've met, i've counted every lash on your lower lid and chased strays across your cheeks behind my eyes every night before i sleep.
3.
i loved you a stomach's full.
when i got home i rewinded your every word slowly like a vhs tape
dissected and digested each sound steadily
hid every syllable under my tongue to feast upon later
and let the fricatives kiss the front of my teeth.
i let the rolling, darkness of your timbre shiver down my spine and up again.
baby boy, your accent is guttural
yet your tongue never clips.
you give it to me straight,
sweet legato flowing from your lips.
your words are movements
and our conversations symphonic
it hurts most of all that to have earned your silence
4.
would you mind if we just talked some things out?
if you forgot every time i disappointed you
and viewed me as a woman
again.
i don't ask that you forgive me,
but know that i'm sorry.
5.
you made me angry.
a hell of a lot.
teeth shattering
lung seizing
6/8 time signature heart beating
seeing and tasting copper
dog mad
******
and all for reasons i can't admit.
6.
i've loved you a night's full
past the brim of isha
to the lips of salatul duha.
i prayed istikhara in the last third of the night
when God descended to the stars
as if to proclaim my love to Him and the billions of celestial witnesses
7.
i greedily want it all
all of you
to taste every smile
true or for show
to wipe away your tears
and lay your head on my chest
to coax out the little boy inside you're afraid to share with everyone else.
to have your trust and make you feel like a man all the same.
can i be that for you?
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:18 AM UTC
a room with a view
a frosted window iced shut
a portal to you
gazing out is like looking through a viewfinder
you breeze by quickly as you normally do.
gaze downwards, pointed at the earth.
i choose these moments to stare
get my fill
something to think about as i stare up at my ceiling tonight
or out in the rain when every falling, flitting leaf reminds me of the sweet boy with cedar eyes
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:12 AM UTC
you completed me.
wings fragmenting through breeze,
your nafs' memories
locate where my honey seeps.
tarry and bathe
in this stream.
soak me in
golden hue
browning
blushing
blossoming
like honeysuckle do.
reap me
like i'm new.
sow depth
so fresh, so green brown earth blue.
and our fruit will bare true,
continual and carnate cycles,
like nature do.
and what am i
but the river's image
of you?
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:06 AM UTC
when i think of you
i think of
the fragrancía of fresh pan dulce
and spice
and warmth
and verde
and barefoot dancing.
concrete and tamales.
mississippi blues
and playing in the delta.
joy.
i picture your blooming smile
spreading across your face
like marigolds and magnolias.
you are a pleasant breeze.
as delightful and curt as spring.
I'll close my eyes,
bathe in the balmy sun,
let the gentle wind embrace me,
curl my toes in the grass,
outstretch my arms
and enjoy you as you pass.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:03 AM UTC
vexed.
i moan and wallow
in the bitterness of my nafs
the part of me that wants you more than my next breath.
thinking
of what i'd do to you
or her.
punish you.
mindfuck you like you manipulated me.
make you rue my tears and insanity.
then i settle.
back into sadness- sober reality.
that you'll never be mine
and you deserve each other.
congrats.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:03 AM UTC
i built a wishing well
from here to there
as long as the coptic summer
as wide as the cocked jaws of a gator
and as deep as the mississippi.
i built a cornerstone
to clutch.
i lay an anchor cemented so deep
hoping that you could never leave me.
but love is such a fickle frailty
that i never wondered if you wanted my love before i sowed it.
came the tide and came the solstice and the tide again, i was in wait for a harvest that would never come.
i built a bridge.
crossed it so very often hoping for something at the rickety end.
i lost myself for you.
a fool yet again.
and again.
and again.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:02 AM UTC
i live for God
but spend my next breaths hopeful of your wake.
i'm ashamed to admit
you're ingrained in my nafs and on my mind,
boy.
you're desire woven tight in my abdomen.
your image is laced in my bones.
i dream of you even when my eyes are open.
i taste you with every morsel i eat.
i feel you in every tender caress i share with myself and your memory.
what can i do when i love you so
yet have accepted you'll never be mine?
i feel insane
when something so sweet
is within my reach
yet i can't reach out and grab it.
i feel dejected and punished
to see you love another woman.
and forever unfulfilled when i try to love another man.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:01 AM UTC
i saw the gap again today.
half of me was begging to stay.
i took care not to enter.
if i did i may have disappeared.
another man is going to have my body.
devour my flesh and break my bones.
and it aches.
my vow to celibacy and solitude is only a word away.
tell me you don't want to see me with someone else.
that only you deserve my time and space.
i'm already committed, i just await your grace.
martyr me with your tongue.
satiate me and subdue my conscience in a way only you know how.
i feel as though i belong to you.
though not you to me
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 9:00 AM UTC
honey is a runner.
he stares at the tangling dance of his fingers and laces
when he ties his shoes.
left,
then right.
his eyebrows tugged precariously in concentration.
he doesn't realize how he clenches his teeth until he's bitten his tongue or his jaw cramps.
i'm here to remind him.
his long legs take a stride for my single steps
i can only chase after the insignia on his windbreaker as he paces his run.
eventually he stops
and turns
and waits-
a smile present .
as if the sight of my stubby little legs pumping forward is entertaining.
after a goal is exceeded, we circle back to my humble abode.
our sneakers sit next to each other on my little foyer's rack.
i shower then we split a plate of chaffles and a *** of chai.
honey places me on his chest and reads something about a revolution
somewhere
somewhere cold and European
far from the warm comfort of my sleeper sofa and messy bookshelves.
what could be more revolutionary than this?
i inhale the sweet taste of his aroma and quietly revel
soak in amazement of my fortune.
Feb 20, 2023
Feb 20, 2023 at 8:36 AM UTC