pictures
from long ago,
filled with memories
you thought you forgot.
every moment seeps
back into focus.
I remember it,
just how it was
in the pictures.
happiness.
joy.
friendship.
appreciated.
purpose.
comfortable.
I remember it.
it has been
2 years
3 years
5 years
6 years
8 years
9 years
even 10 years.
I remember it.
every moment seeps
back into focus.
I remember it,
just how it was
in the pictures.
I wish I didn't.
what once brought
happiness,
now brings
pain.
what once brought
joy,
now brings
misery.
what once brought
friendship,
now brings
solitude.
I am no longer
appreciated,
instead I am
mistaken.
I no longer
have purpose,
instead I am
lost.
I no longer
feel comfortable,
instead
I am troubled.
every moment seeps
back into focus.
I remember it.
I remember it
oh
so well.
I wish I didn't.
f.m.s.
Nov 5, 2020
Nov 5, 2020 at 7:28 PM UTC
I yearn for the girl I used to be.
The girl who used to care about her studies.
The girl who used to write poetry.
The girl who used to sing confidently.
The girl who used to paint vividly.
The girl who used to love freely.
The girl who used to care deeply.
I do not care about my studies (as much).
I do not write poetry (as much).
I do not sing confidently (as much).
I do not paint vividly (as much).
I do not love freely (as much).
I do not care deeply (as much).
The intensity has passed on,
to younger generations,
to newer beings,
to fresh souls,
with more to live for,
with more to care for,
and with more to prepare for,
than I.
For I am old,
and I will continue to do the things I love,
but not with the passion,
but not with the love,
but not with the care,
but not with the confidence,
but not with the freedom,
that I once had.
f.m.s.
Aug 16, 2020
Aug 16, 2020 at 10:22 PM UTC
I want to dance with you
in the moon light,
when the time is right.
I want to dance with you
when you're loving me,
when you're carefree.
I want to dance with you
all day, all night,
until we see the sun light.
I want to dance with you
until you get tired of me,
'til you can no longer see.
I want to dance with you,
for all of
e t e r n i t y .
f.m.s.
Aug 16, 2020
Aug 16, 2020 at 10:02 PM UTC
Remember the years when you thought childhood would never end?
Remember the years when you thought time was so slow?
Remember the years when you thought you were too small to matter?
And now, childhood comes to an abrupt end.
Now, time is as fast as my heartbeat.
Now, I am starting to matter.
Does that mean that this new life is better?
Should I be grateful for my further understanding of the world?
I yearn for the times when I had no responsibility.
I yearn for the times when I had nothing to lose.
I yearn for the times when I was totally and fully myself.
Without being scared.
I am scared to fail.
I am so scared to fail that I am scared to even try.
And I think that is what makes this life not better.
I wish you could freeze time on childhood.
I would spend forever there.
f.m.s.
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 5:42 PM UTC
I miss you
and not even in the way that I should
not even in the way that you've been away from me
not even in the way that we've been apart.
you've been right next to me.
but I'm all alone.
I spent all day with you,
but I spent all day alone.
f.m.s.
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 1:44 AM UTC
You said you'd always love me.
And you never did.
You said you'd always be there.
And you never were.
You said you'd help me get through life.
And you never helped at all.
My only question is "how?"
How did you manage to aid in my creation,
stand there in the hospital room when I was born,
hold me when I was only a child,
and then leave me?
How could you sit in a jail cell,
knowing I was alone,
without a father,
without anyone to even model one for me?
How could you repeat your mistakes,
knowing how much it would affect me,
knowing how much it would affect my mother,
and my younger sister?
How could you leave me alone,
without a care in the world,
without a meaningful existence in my life,
without the slightest feeling of love from you?
Was I a reminder of your long lost youth?
Did I threaten your freedom?
You're supposed to embrace that your era is over,
that it was time to let your kingdom fall.
When you have a child,
you're supposed to love them.
I never felt that from you.
Instead, you left.
I thought I was over this,
writing about you,
missing you,
crying because you'll never love me like you should.
I guess some feelings just never die down,
especially not abandonment from someone
who's never supposed to leave you.
Most girls my age share stories of how their fathers
taught them how to fix cars,
or threatened to **** the boy who took their virginity.
The only thing I have to share of you is your never ending abandonment, sorriness, and the resentment I have for you because of them.
They think I'm crazy,
to hate the man who made me.
It's not crazy,
it's just justice.
f.m.s.
Dec 12, 2016
Dec 12, 2016 at 9:04 PM UTC
is it wrong to plan everything out
so that the stars don't collide when they align?
is it wrong to be terrified of the road ahead, even if I trust the driver?
is wrong to seize everything and make sure I am where I am supposed to be?
no matter what
i find myself
piddling through all my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
my wishes and desires
trying to find the one that paralyses me the least
but they all petrify me
just the same.
this next year is my last.
my last band camp.
my last marching band season.
my last first day of school.
my last new set of classes.
my last time meeting new teachers.
my last time sitting in those classrooms with those stupid desks that creak too much.
my last time walking through the halls of my high school.
it's coming. soon.
graduation.
i can taste the freedom it's taunting me with.
and yet here I am, begging it to procrastinate.
i want to be free, away from high school,
and home,
and this state.
but I've made a life here.
but I've made friends here.
but I've grown roots here.
maybe
eventually
i'll be okay
with
ripping
off
the
bandaid.
but not right now.
not right now.
not right now.
not right now.
Jun 1, 2015
Jun 1, 2015 at 2:45 AM UTC
I feel as if everyone just
t o s s e s
me aside, like I am
m e a n i n g l e s s
to
e v e r y o n e .
~f.m.s~
May 8, 2015
May 8, 2015 at 4:20 PM UTC
There's something so powerful
about looking up at the night sky
and knowing that
all the mistakes you made
today and yesterday
are gone.
At the end of the day
you are still
a galaxy
within
a galaxy.
f.m.s.
Apr 18, 2015
Apr 18, 2015 at 11:27 PM UTC
*father: n. a man who gives care and protection to someone or something.
The last time I saw you, really saw you,
You told me you loved me.
But you didn't mean it.
At least not like you used to. Like you used to pretend to.
Before your other two kids were born.
I guess I must have been a mistake.
An unplanned middle child.
One that you didn't want.
I came after your first, before your third and fourth.
I am my least favourite number.
Is that why it took you two years to say "I love you"?
I can not even remember how those words sound when crafted in your voice.
Unless they were hiding tension.
Or guilt.
Or obligation.
I never heard them for what they mean.
Your excuse was always:
Mom was watching, and you needed to look like a man.
The police guards were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your fellow inmates were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your other women were watching, and you needed to look like a man.
Your job wasn't to look like a man.
It wasn't to be a man.
It wasn't to sound like a man, think like a man, portray a man.
Your job was to be a father, to love me and make it known that I am your daughter and you are proud of me, even if you never show it. Or even say it.
I expected that from you. I expected you to know I was going to one day become something you were proud of, something you could say to make people think differently about you, because you raised me to your standards and look how I came out. I expected you to show me what it's like to have a life, I expected you to teach me how to drive, I expected you to help me with homework, and pick me up from school, and
I expected you to care about who I am as a person, because I am your daughter.
Instead, you taught me that when I'm angry, upset, frustrated, confused, stressed, unhappy, depressed, content, or feeling any emotion whatsoever, I should run to alcohol and drink until I can feel nothing.
Instead, you taught me that you didn't care if I carved words into my skin, as long as I wasn't hurting anyone else I was fine and even if I did commit suicide it would be selfish and I shouldn't be scared of the demons in my head because they can't hurt me, they're trapped inside and they have no way to break the walls and besides being scared of yourself makes you a coward and a ***** and that's ridiculous.
Instead, you taught me that crying never gets me anywhere and if I wanted something I should just take it because no one will ever know it was me and no one will ever suspect a blonde girl in a dress to steal from a shop and as long as I look as innocent as I can then I can get whatever I need without ever paying for it because I can pay with my innocence.
Instead, you taught me that when you are drinking is the only time you will ever be proud of me for the one line in the play I landed and that even though you were never there to see it you knew I did good because I'm your daughter but even though I messed up because I looked into the crowd to find your face and forgot my line when I saw my mother with an empty seat beside her, I am still part of your family and we are good at saying things we don't mean and leaving.
Instead, you taught me that my sister will always be better than me and there is nothing I do to compete because even if I was stronger than her I would always be too small to fight her even if it was for self defense and if I try it and end up with a black eye it was my fault because I was warned of the cyclone of rage that lived within her chest and I should have known I did not stand a chance against her for she is better than me in every way.
Instead, you taught me that spending a day out in the sun working on your truck and sweating all over the ground and accidentally spilling your beer all over you which made the grass stick to you which you hated because you hate grass was better than spending a day with me inside watching movies and eating ice cream in the air conditioning with the dogs laying on my lap and cuddling with me because they know that if they did not do so I would be alone.
Instead, you taught me that I was worthless and didn't deserve love because who could ever love someone with a body full of scars and stretchmarks make you ugly because you were not born with those lines on your body, they got there because you put them there, you wanted them there so you can suffer the consequences of your own actions.
I taught myself what it's meant to be alive. I taught myself how to drive. When I didn't know how to do my homework, I didn't do it. I ride the bus home from school because no one cares enough to come pick me up and
I am the only one who cares about who I am as a person because I was taught at an early age that I am the only one I can rely on.
Where were you when I wanted you to come see the plays I was in?
Absent. "I don't like plays."
What about the guard shows?
Absent. "I don't like guard shows."
What about my marching shows?
Absent. "I don't like marching bands."
All of this is sickening.
The most sickening of all,
Is knowing that you expect me to love you even after all the **** you put me through,
like nothing
ever
happened.
But it did.
And every time I look at you,
I see hurt
pain
rejection
loss
death
addiction
abandonment
why have you made it a habit to prove to me how much you hate me?
You're supposed to be my father,
but you don't fit the definition.
f.m.s.
Feb 18, 2015
Feb 18, 2015 at 4:49 PM UTC