Last year, I spoke about red flags and how when you see them, you need to leave. I then knew deep down I was actually talking not only to the crowd but to myself, too, but I felt it couldn't be. I was too busy painting all your red flags green, not realizing I, too, had to leave.
I spoke to your mother, she asked me a question that stood out. She asked, so you telling me he never treated you right? I answered, "Yes, he did, and that was the thing that kept the relationship going."
Every time you behaved badly, I would think of the times you treated me like a queen who deserved only good things. I would think about how you opened the door for me, waking up next to my morning coffee, my good morning texts that told me that I am the one who light up your day and how you can't live without me, the way you treated me in front of people, making me walk like I was dancing on a cloud filled with sweet love that overflowed, forgetting how you would talk down to me daily.
Asking me why I did things the way I do and why didn't I rather do it this way or the other. Telling me what I should have said and what the right way was to react.
The way the children and I would wonder if we can smile today or if it would be a problem. Walking on eggshells, not knowing if we are allowed to say or do anything. Can I even touch you today? May I love you, today?
Going anywhere would have my mind running. I hope I don't see anyone I know today. They say hi, can I say hi? Am I too excited when I greet them? Is my smile too big? Wait, let me not hug them.
Entering the church, please don't look at me, I'm not allowed to speak to them. If I look busy, they won't greet me, let me move faster, maybe they won't see me.
If I ever tried to speak against your opinion, you would gaslight me. Jah, I can't say anything in this house, yet u say everything. Belittling me with every second word that exists your mouth. Striping away my personality with a mm at a time. And that's why I didn't notice. I didn't notice that u weren't actually giving but rather taking. Taking me away from everyone I know and even myself. Breaking me so many times that I became brainwashed to think if I only did what you say, things would become better. Even telling me in my face you do it intentionally to make me work harder to love you.
We'll isn't cooking, and cleaning, and looking after the kids and working on multiple things to finance us enough?
Giving me little petty gifts that made me think I was important to you. But I was not. I was just a trophy wife, that only shined when I was supposed to.
I thought the ring had secured things. Thinking back to the day you asked me to marry you. I was hesitant, why. Because I heard the Lord telling me no multiple times, yet I wanted to be a wife so bad, I said yes.
I thought the ring had secured things. But when I saw the messages, I thought, aren't I enough? This time, I had enough. I'm leaving, I said. You hugged me, and when I refused to hug back, you hit me. Thinking since I didn't say anything last time this time, I wouldn't either. But this time I had to, because I couldn't stay. I left, and I know if I go back, I will come out, not by walking or crawling but through my grave.
Jan 22
Jan 22, 2026 at 12:41 PM UTC
I miss you.
Although I lost you before I met you
I miss you
So much that I lay awake at night wishing you could hold me tight
I miss you
So much that I cry and don't even know why
I miss you
Sometimes hating the fact that God took you away without us having a chance to play
I miss you
Although I have never met you
I just miss you and I don't know why.
May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 4:37 PM UTC
Just because you know my name
Doesn't mean you know what I've been through
Just because you know the colour of my eyes
Doesn't mean you know how many tears they have cried
Just because you have seen the clothing I wear
Doesn't mean u know what type of person I am
Just because you heard stories about me
Doesn't mean they are true
So therefore don't judge me. .. just because ...
May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 4:35 PM UTC