like walking on eggshells
worse
walking on shards of glass
broken window pane
i leaned too far out this time
afraid of every moment
terrified
that every breath
will be the one to break me open
scared
of spilling over and out
like blood on a new carpet
there's no cleaning this mess
i convince myself it's just my dreaming
but even in sleep i am awake
there is no pretending
there are some roads we simply must take
i may not like this one
i may hate this path with every ounce of meaning
every once of life i have left
but i guess that's why life is funny
it's not always about the journey
nor the destination
its not about choosing a path
not about the road less taken
it's about continuing down that road
taking each step in this dark alley
not because i want to
not because i have to
but because that's life
to keep going
to keep going
until you are you again
until i am me again
i'll keep going
i know soon
i'll find that path
that feels a little more like home
May 5, 2020
May 5, 2020 at 8:21 PM UTC
i feel as though i am walking through oblivion
and i cannot decide what's worse
the feeling of the earth beneath my feet
my heart floating somewhere in space
or the knowing
that to feel myself whole again
i'll have to shoot it down
May 5, 2020
May 5, 2020 at 8:07 PM UTC
if i take that breathless step towards oblivion would hope follow me or would this emptiness swallow me whole?
Apr 24, 2020
Apr 24, 2020 at 8:32 PM UTC
looking at those photographs
scrappy edges
wiry film
blurry but not hazy
hazy but not blurry
silent but speaking
in some tongue foreign to me
yet strangely familiar
like an old postcard
ink worn but scented with memories
pictures of people
pictures of things
broken-down cars
old lonesome barns
store fronts
alleyways
colors and tones
washes and finishes
edited
untouched
i saw you in them
or maybe i saw myself
perhaps it was both of us
im outside my body
i saw myself in you
i dont know where you are
i hope you are in happiness
wherever that is
wherever you may be
i dont know where i went
maybe i can find it
that drop of innocence left behind
long ago forgotten
the perpetual search for childhood
the ache for simplicity
longing for something solid
to stop us all from being swept away in the madness
in a world with so much chaos
so violent with envy and lust
those pictures made me sad
and i felt an emptiness i have not felt so incessantly
as if the whole sea had been poured out
over the desert
running out of dry land
no where new to go
no more room left to grow
looking at these frozen moments
these snapshots of stillness in in a world that is spinning
you manage to find the perfect silence
in all of this deafening violence
a momentary pause from perpetual motion
laughter and sunshine
held in place as if god closed her eyes so that for just one moment, the world could hold its breath
and you could bottle it all up
shadows and highlights climbing out of frame
colors flowing
to greet me in my monochrome
they make me ache to feel those memories
to breathe fresh air
to see and not be seen
to be a spectator
of life's hidden moments
to feel something
and for a moment they make me wish
i too could capture the warmth of a spring evening
in a single frame
to find beauty in a street sign
but ill leave that to you
Apr 24, 2020
Apr 24, 2020 at 8:08 PM UTC
you dressed like the rain
it made me cry
solid tears
like timber ash
like hurricanes
shores of lake michigan
memories in photographs
still lifes
self portraits of doubt
i hate how beautiful you can turn
an ugly thing
make pain into art
turn me into a painting
i feel colorless
you make me bold
oil pastels on a blank canvass
oh how we all long for the talent
to turn shame into a sunrise
Apr 24, 2020
Apr 24, 2020 at 7:21 PM UTC
i hate the cold
when you're not there for me to hold
i hate the wind
unless its willing your ship back in
i hate the snow
the chill reminding me of past memories
for which i'm far too old
i hate the sun
the way it blinds me
the way it hides behind the clouds like a child
i hate the spring breeze
how it carries those leaves
how lighthearted it seems
i can hear it laughing at me
i hate the sleet and the hail
they remind me of how
i can never make up my mind
or decide who it is i want to be
whenever i step outside
i hate the moon at night
who simply borrows its light
just like i borrow your time
oh, but i love the rain
more than anything
i love the rain
the way it sings sweet songs to me
the echo of the thunder
the pause between the lightning
like waiting for that one last kiss
the way the streets look
how the pavement seems to radiate
i love the feeling i get
falling along with the rain
pouring myself out
feeling myself circle around the drain
i love the way it weighs down my hair
leaves my clothes heavy and wet
being reminded of how little i am
how little i mean
how i am but one drop
in torrents of rain
flowing into that great ocean
from which we all came
so you can have all your seasons
you can have hail, sleet and snow
you can bask in the sunlight
or hide, with your head in the clouds
breath in the cool breezes
or the cold wind that blows
take shelter from those cold nights
dance under the moonlight that glows
but whatever you do
i ask one simple favor from you
leave me the rain
please leave me the rain.
Mar 25, 2020
Mar 25, 2020 at 12:25 AM UTC
that's what you are
a spirit
haunting every square inch
of this aching body
every breath i release
is stolen by you
every word whispered
you hear
you don't leave my mind
won't leave my brain
seeping through my skin
staining my sheets
why can't i breathe
when it's your face i see
i guess the real question is
why do i love you so
when i know
oh god do i know
that you'll never love me back
i know
as each moment passes
that i move farther and farther
outside your mind
when i am stuck
with the image of those eyes
the taste of those lips
the feeling of your hands
rough
but so gentle
you're the storm with no warning
you're a red sky in the morning
but i'm that one dumb sailor
jumping straight in the ocean
i tore my ropes off
to listen to the sirens' sound
i'd gladly tear my heart
to make the room for you to stay
but i know
you wouldn't
you'd look on
with pity and regret
wondering how you let me get so close
how silly must i be
to think someone like you
would ever love
someone like me
Mar 22, 2020
Mar 22, 2020 at 11:42 PM UTC
i love you the way it hurts
the way it cuts me
further than a knife
i watch the blood
blackened with lust
seeping with envy
all the vices
poison in my veins
i feel you coursing through them
like a drug
going straight to my brain
like the bourbon we once drank
that late night in the city
street lights blinking
and you called me pretty
and part of me died right then and there
knowing that you’d never be mine
mine
that’s all i want
i need it more than i need the air
that i’ve been struggling to breathe
i need to tell you those three words
instead you watch as they strangle me
if only you knew
do you know?
am i fool for assuming your ignorance?
are you blind to my bleeding heart
has my blood not stained the earth enough?
nor your sheets that we lay in?
have my lips not whispered a thousand little things
words phrased perfectly to say
everything but i love you
but god how i love you
how i ache to feel it from you
but i’ll keep on giving
my body and my soul
hoping that one day
i’ll reap what i sow
- - - - - - - - - - -
how can you not see this?
isn’t it cruel to watch me do this
to torture myself so
to beg for love and affection
yes i know i get your attention
but love that’s a burden isn’t love
asking for your time isn’t love
i need no conditions
no terms of agreement
i want crazy endless love
i want to be blinded in imperfection
i want you
all of you
i’d give a hundred years
to spend one more night beside you
i’d breathe my last breath
dying to hear you call me
that sacred name
that beautiful perfect name
i’d give anything
just say that i’m yours
Mar 18, 2020
Mar 18, 2020 at 10:52 PM UTC
we
what a lovely simple word
what a beautiful surrender
to let that wonder become
what was once you and me
we
what understated beauty
to be found in a single syllable
what a precious sound
singularity shifting
how lucky some people must be
to have a we
Feb 1, 2020
Feb 1, 2020 at 4:30 PM UTC
im in love with the way
your hands
they shake
when you pass the last cigarette
in love with how
it took you so long to come my way
the way you take your time
to find what's right
im in love with the way
you take what's yours
without apologies
or tainted words
the way even the back of your hands
smell like a home i'll never have
the way the entirety of the cosmos
fit themselves so kindly in your eyes
how the joy of summer's first sun-rays
washes over me with your laugh
the way Sundays just aren't so lonely
when i know you're the Monday that comes next
i love the taste of cigarettes
coming from your lips
the lips that open me up like you're giving me new life
i love the way i feel no pain
i love the way you feel like the rain
you cleanse me of my sin
and you help me begin
to see my life as something more precious
i love the way my reflection
isn't quite as disconcerting
when i see you in the mirror too
i love the way my soul starts to leave my body
to be a little closer to you
i love the way that music sounds different
i love the way it feels
to know someone like you is real
and the terror at thinking
that this is not
that this is just a notion
and i'm just here
like drift wood floating in the ocean
i love the way you can't be fixed
to anyone's idea of what this is
i love the way your voice feels
like a summer's sweet breeze
drifting through the doorway
i hate the way i miss you
because you're not mine to miss
i hate the way i kiss you
knowing i can't own this sweet bliss
i hate the way i feel you
in every guitar string i pick
the way i smell you here
even when you're somewhere else
the way you stay in my mind
like memories stained stronger
than spilt red wine
i love the way my vision has changed
everything looks different with you
minutes become seconds and years become days
i love the way you keep me
in a sublime haze
and god how it stuns me
that somehow
someway
it took you so long to learn to love yourself
you look like an island
like shelter from a storm
i love the way
all i need is your gaze
to make me feel warm
and the way you still walk me home
even though it's not home to me
i hate the way i can't have you
never should and never could
and i know i don't need more
and i don't deserve more
i know it would all fall apart
and i know it's a waste of time
trying to turn water to wine
i know i don't want to make this real
i know already know how this ends
but i wish there was a way
to bottle you up
to save for the day
when this is all just pictures in my brain
playing like an old movie
soundtrack i can't get out of my head
subtitles in a language i no longer speak
negatives held up to the sun
blurry and incoherent
like my thoughts when you're around
but beautiful pictures
like people
find their way to the light
you develop me like a picture portrait
of someone you'll soon say you used to know
and i'm just a fool who is grateful
for having been able to sit in on your show
but i'll stay in the back
and i'll leave before the credits start to roll
so when the curtains close
i won't have to watch you go
Jan 28, 2020
Jan 28, 2020 at 12:23 AM UTC