I am soft and delicate
Unwinding
Like a bundle of yarn
Twirled within your fingers
Nov 20, 2017
Nov 20, 2017 at 6:46 PM UTC
"Are you online? I would like to talk to you about suicide if possible. I was planning one just now and saw your poem appear at the top"
You messaged me but your profile is gone and i hope youre okay. That you see this and know you are loved
Please stay alive
Sep 18, 2017
Sep 18, 2017 at 12:52 PM UTC
I am writing to you because i dont want to live. Twisted, sick emotions & i picture men touching, wanting. Horrendous endeavours
Still
All i want is to be loved. To have a stranger nuzzle my neck & to kiss the face of god
And everyone is an angel where i live. No demons, just individuals passing through a simulation. Desperate for survival.
I want to die.
My heart aches & this loneliness is a thick blanket & i know i know i know
There is something wrong with me
I dont know how to salvage my self
Or if thats even possible
All the horror. Relentless flashbacks & i thank the universe, the neurons, for hiding my childhood
I fear
I am the embodiment of fear
The scars on my arms scream tragedy
But i dont want to be
I desire light & hope and warmth & i wish i could smile and never stop
I am reaching
But i fall
Sep 18, 2017
Sep 18, 2017 at 12:43 PM UTC
I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been.
Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" with clenched fists & venom eyes. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before screams, before we were engulfed in tears and chaos- and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in.
I remember catching fireflies with my baby sister and how my older sister used to read me bedtime stories when the world was so big i wondered how it didn't swallow us whole.
And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive.
I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.
Sep 3, 2017
Sep 3, 2017 at 1:18 AM UTC
I tried to **** myself
Regretful
Moreso, that failure
You know, its so easy to die. Slip into oblivion and say nothing matters. To hide your sorrow until tomorrow disappears.
I woke up with thick grey half moons under my eyes, yellow-grey toned skin, one half red eye and a dozen bruises on my neck.
I dont want to lose the innocence i have left. This is my confession. Hatred burns in my heart, but not just at myself anymore & if it is not my fault i can never change this terrifying world. I feel so small, i could blink & disappear...
But still, somehow, in my absence, in the simple threat of loss, fear and pity enter the hearts of those among me. So vile. So heartbreaking. The tears on my moms face having driven three hours to see me are the worst waters i might encounter. A tsunami of emotion.
Life is pain. Death is emptiness. Suicide may be relief, but failure is guilt.
Is there a balance somewhere?
Jul 27, 2017
Jul 27, 2017 at 1:18 AM UTC
But...
I wanna wrap shoelaces around my throat or slit my wrists and i dream of taking acid and climbing up a building & feeling so whole within the universe i can jump with euphoria.
This world was never small enough for me or maybe i just wasnt ready for the rebirth. Perhaps i am a genetic flaw & did you know cells in your body will target themselves or engulf their bodies because they know they dont belong?
Apoptosis
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 5:50 AM UTC
Be hard
Stone temple & iron bars. Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation & fade so deeply into oblivion you will be heard and felt but never seen.
Scream obscenities and shake your fists at the sky because darling it is yours to pull down and when you fall asleep at night, pull it close- engulf yourself in the ethereal and close your eyes so tightly you cant imagine opening them again.
Be tough because all sensitivity ever brought you was pain and i didnt want to say this, i never wanted to say this but goddamit you dont want the suffering that comes from loving too much.
It is a fire from within & the heat of blood on your skin & nights spent walking too long looking at the sky wondering why you exist & why there is so much pain while ice soaks into the soles of your shoes.
Write "You are love" on the steam in your bathroom mirror, but dont expect it to take the aching in your chest away
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 5:45 AM UTC
I tell myself:
It is better to be alone than to submit
But i delete my contacts and leave my bed
**** it
Im in love
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 2:32 AM UTC
I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been. Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" in anger. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before fights and tears and chaos, and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in. I remember catching lightning bugs with my baby sister and how my older sister in her silken voice used to read bedtime stories- when the world was so big i thought it could swallow us whole. And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive. I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 12:39 AM UTC