but mostly
what makes my mind
veer off track at night
is the fear of you changing
leaving me
dried up mud
crumbling in the cracks
of your sneakers.
i’m so very frightened
of the day
i am no longer enough.
and that’s what f-cking ***** right now.
because I’ve always tried
to push fear back down my throat
like sour bile
in a mini puke.
i’ve always wanted
to desensitize myself
because **EMOTION
IS A SYMPTOM
OF WEAKNESS**.
And so i’ve aspired
to be quartz
with cracks that don’t break open.
but i’m just here.
i'm watercolor floral patterns
on chipped porcelain.
and there is nothing i can do
to exist more unflinchingly
a product of human error
just like all the rest
tugged along by oxytocin handcuffs
a slave to serotonin
a slave to that which makes me feel.
and it frustrates me that I can be so pathetically human.
and I am grinding my teeth
with each word of this
cliché.
idiotic.
diluted.
love poem.
i am trembling with the injustice
i am shaking with the question:
why can’t i be the exception?
why can't i be charcoal?
In the herd of sheep
too caught up
in being loved
to save themselves
from being left.
Apr 27, 2016
Apr 27, 2016 at 3:29 PM UTC
Watching you struggle
Is like clenching your hair
In gentle fistfuls
Trying to keep your lolling head still
While you kneel in front of a toilet.
Puking.
With each lurch farther
into the depths of the bowl
You release a stifled noise
Whimpering like a hurt puppy.
It makes me want to rewind time
And swipe that last shot glass
Away from your giggly mouth.
But I can’t do that.
I can barely offer comfort
All I can do is be practical.
All I can do is make sure
***** doesn’t get in your hair.
As the toilet water rises with bile
My emotions push my common sense.
But my feelings don’t matter.
I can feel whatever I want
In the long run
I can’t do anything.
But keep holding your hair.
I can’t do anything.
But sweep back your hair.
Away from your cheekbones
Like curtains
Revealing a show.
I can’t do anything.
But watch the show.
Mesmerized with
The arching of your neck
And the convulsions of your back.
All I can do
Is stare at your back
And hold your hair.
(I’m so sorry
I just want
to hold your face
in my hands
Please forgive me)
All I can do
Is hold your hair
Apr 5, 2016
Apr 5, 2016 at 4:36 AM UTC
Alone moving 60 miles per hour
windows up
heat turned up
stifled like a wool turtleneck.
Bass guitar and vocal harmonies
stirring through the speakers
And the sunset a velvety blue
The horizon softly glowing green
a glimmering silver bubble
Suspended center stage.
heart so full
I swear my ribs almost disintegrated.
Swaying with the wheel
Streetlights on either side and up ahead
Curved in rainbow paths like a child’s drawing
in the smallest part of my eye
there’s a flag swimming against the sky
And within the stagnant confines of my car
The fluid beauty of its movement
Presses emotion like a ball against my throat
Until I cant breathe from love of the moment
so I cry.
Apr 5, 2016
Apr 5, 2016 at 4:29 AM UTC
You make me feel like my heart is making blood
You make me feel like a leaf that sunlights shining through
You make me feel like a song with bass guitar and indecipherable lyrics
You make me think about eyelashes
It’s so stupid.
You make me laugh
*
It’s so stupid
.*
When I have my head on your chest
and you breathe out through your mouth
you sound like a volcano
When the air gets caught on your lips
It makes a noise like sparks
.
You give me sparks.
when your head is cradled on my chest
I get the breathe knocked out of me
by the affection I feel
.
I always want to
Express it with my words
But any eloquence I possess
breaks
When faced head on
by your shatterproof eye contact.
So I end up kissing it to you instead.
And sometimes I feel
like I’m sending a telegram
with my lips
I never write this way
god I hope you never read this
I never wanted to be that girl
Who treats love like ******
But I’m a mess sometimes
And my cheeks get red.
and you give me enough of an inspirational burst to write a love poem.
I never thought I could write a love poem.
Feb 24, 2014
Feb 24, 2014 at 11:49 PM UTC
Girls push past me
Stylish combat boots
Finding basement stairs
Tight pants, low-cut shirts
And straightened hair.
Their mascara-ed eyes scan and skip
The spot where I stand.
But I’m grateful for
The lack of acknowledgement.
If their eyes lit up on me
I would freeze
My shoulders would scrunch
And the words they would throw
In my direction
Would meet brick wall.
All I would reverberate
Is a hesitating smile
Accompanied by unsure eyes.
My brain just isn’t taking small talk tonight.
And I will never understand
Why cursory conversation
Slaps me in the face
like a
20 step algebraic equation.
The truth is:
I don’t care what you thought of that math test
I wanna know what you think
of trees in the fall.
I don’t care what your tweet was about.
I wanna know why you
were on twitter
at 4 am
on a school night.
I don’t care how your boyfriend is.
I wanna know where you stand with god.
I don’t care
where you got your dress,
how much you studied,
or if you dyed your hair.
What makes you cry at night?
Have you ever felt insane?
Do you believe in soul mates?
What do you think about the moon?
Which song are you embarrassed to know all the words to?
And do you ever worry that your mom isn’t proud of you?
I just find that
It’s so much easier
To talk to people
When they’re actually
saying something.
Feb 16, 2014
Feb 16, 2014 at 2:23 PM UTC
We’re on the cusp of adulthood and it hurts to think it all through
I feel like I just buzzed down a long narrow highway for an eternity of lifetimes in a rusty old car that I can’t figure out my feelings for.
And now I’m standing at the edge of a rocky canyon, looking down.
And holy s*** I'm scared.
People keep telling me I’m a bird
But sometimes I doubt if I actually managed to grow all the feathers that are required
And oh god.
The feathers in my pillows are always whispering what-ifs about that cliff
And it makes it hard to sleep
What if… when my time here on the edge runs out… I’m not ready?
What if I can’t handle that steep free fall?
I keep getting taller
And sometimes I feel emotionally superior to other people my age.
...Until I get here.
And I’m clasped by the cold grip of fear I never imagined I'd feel.
I thought I'd run off that cliff.
I thought I'd scream through a wide open, teeth framed smile
..and jump.
But there’s so much I don’t think I understand just yet.
Theres doubt in my chest.
There’s fear in the slope of my shoulders.
I'm constantly feeling the elephant-sized weight
Of all the decisions that could go wrong
Of all the things I can and can't control.
And sometimes I really question how much I can or should trust.
Myself. That is.
Jan 18, 2014
Jan 18, 2014 at 2:28 PM UTC
You’re like blood
Running vertical down my arms
You’re like mud
Caked over hip bones
Swirling down the drain
With gurgles and moans
Whispering the ***** sins
That put you there
As I turn clockwise
In the shower
Letting the anxiety rise
Until it bubbles over
And washes away
Like an old lover.
Like you, down the drain.
No longer molding my body
Or kissing my mind.
But I know you’ll be back
Because you build up
Like dirt in my skin
Or blood in my veins
All the same, yet one of a kind.
Because there’s something
Awfully
Romantically
Addictive
About the slight of your hand
That lovingly cuts me open.
Jan 16, 2014
Jan 16, 2014 at 11:13 PM UTC
Why does my heart freeze up
when
I read words you’ve written?
How is it that
I can read writing
that makes my heart press hard to escape my ribs
But yours liquidates my blood
Until my fingers go numb?
It’s like this
You’ve got a canyon filled with knowledge
On how to hurt
You’ve got a library filled with textbooks
On how to make a heart drop
You’ve got a sky filled with rain clouds
That drop tears you’ve inspired
into the eyes of others.
Everything you touch
is sent into a whirlwind orbit.
You’re important
You’re dangerous
You’re vital
You are never merely an effect.
You affect me.
Never forget that.
Jan 14, 2014
Jan 14, 2014 at 10:07 PM UTC
what can I do to be good enough for you?
i’ll drop the pounds
i’ll wear the makeup
i’ll get the grades
i’ll force the laugh
but then
when you are left
with this distorted image
of a human being
who’s twisted and broken
crinkling at the edges
and burning up
from the inside out
please don’t sneer
in disgust.
when everything’s rolling together
and coming to a close
and you let me catch you
by the ends of your fingertips
don’t flinch
from the artificial thing I became
for the sake
of winning you.
Jan 13, 2014
Jan 13, 2014 at 10:52 PM UTC