It's at 6:30 in the morning,
When the sky is just waking,
Pale blues and yellows and
The touch of peach on the horizon
When I wake for no good reason
And stare out at the sky, admiring.
And I look down at you next to me
Breathing softly and sweetly in sleep.
It is then that I wish, should you stir,
Turning over to see me, that
You had something stunningly beautiful
To see when you wake as well.
Some face that makes you catch breath
For a moment, and your eyes become
Fixated.
A perfect complexion, perhaps.
Rosey, defined lips just the perfect shape.
If I had deep ocean eyes or ones
Of solid gold.
Maybe the perfect amount of scattered freckles.
A straight, modest nose. Impeccable brows.
Soft, silky smooth hair that always looks done, even when it's not.
I wish I had these things to offer
At 6:30 in the morning.
In those brief shared moments
Before we return to sleep.
They say beauty is relative,
It is about "perspective."
And though you may think I'm something special,
My perspective is one who feels she owes something more
To the man who deserves the world.
Oct 13, 2014
Oct 13, 2014 at 3:18 PM UTC
I've been thinking about you a lot lately
The way your smile curves
How your eyes light up
The tenderness of your voice
I think about your words and wisdoms
Your love of life
Your passion
I think about the friend I had in you
But you're not the one who holds me at night now, are you?
You're not the one who says "I love you" and receives it in return
You are not he, he is not you.
Vacate the space behind my brain and stop trying to compete with the new.
Ghosts don't win battles against bodies.
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 12:27 AM UTC
Sometimes I wonder
If this yearning for some sustainable love
Is just a facade; a decoy.
Maybe what I'm really in love with
Is the going back-and-forth in my mind
The continual restlessness and idea that there is something more
Maybe my mind is my own true love
Maybe I am my own soulmate.
Convinced I'm supposed to be looking for some person
When I'm supposed to be looking for myself
Sep 26, 2014
Sep 26, 2014 at 11:23 PM UTC
It's late and I should be sleeping but my restless mind never can cooperate
with the fatigue that swells my body and this screen is just too bright
that it hurts even when I close my eyes and I can't help it
that sometimes I think of them
him,
them.
Sometimes I can't help it.
I stumble over my own words because my mind thinks faster than
my mouth speaks and I'll mention something about my past and those
who have once occupied it and I'll feel instant regret for making you
feel as if you're not important; insignificant.
Maybe you don't believe me when I say you're the best thing that
ever happened to me because you can't imagine that to be true,
though it is. I'm sorry if I don't show it.
It's nearly 1 am and that's pretty early in the night for me
I guess 3 and 4 o'clock have become overrated.
There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you but honestly when I'm with
you is the only time I feel whole and feel safe feel like nothing had ever been wrong;
the second I or you leave is the second the flood gates open and my mind becomes one big swirling mass of thought and word and chaos and please
please
please,
don't feel obligated to spend more time with me for that reason I just want you to know you are my cure because I'm sick and darling I've given up on specifics and just settled for crazy and who knows what it could be or what type or how I could get better.
It's like a scalding bath that turns lukewarm over time and you know you'd like to change the water but it just becomes so...comfortable.
I'm not saying it's nice or fun or preferred but it's familiar and humans are creatures of habit and I have no clue how I'd even begin to change I've just gotten so used to dealing with it on my own and finding ways to numb my head and slow down time and giving myself space and room to breathe.
Maybe there are two versions of me. Maybe there are several.
Maybe I am one continuous person with ever-changing moods.
Maybe I am always the same person with the same kinds of thoughts though I only realize it occasionally.
maybe
maybe
maybe.
Maybe one day I'll be rich and won't have to worry about financing my dreams or my future or giving back to my family.
Maybe we'll continue to fall endlessly in love and we'll make something of ourselves and life will cease to be difficult or unfair.
Maybe I'll live to one-hundred
maybe
maybe
maybe.
I know this is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts thrown together but I guess that means I'm reflecting well.
I wish you could see the things I write because that's more me than I could ever explain to anyone but the only eyes lain upon anything personal I put out belong to strangers because they don't know me enough to throw it back in my face or hold it over me.
Mostly it would just be resulting shame;
Ashamed of who I am, the things I've done and can't take back, time I've wasted, words I've said, thoughts I've thought.
Wants I've wanted.
Ashamed that this person will never meet my expectations or hopes and will forever be some half-hearted empty shell only here to exist but never living.
Someone who had potential but scorned and wasted it.
my eyelids are getting heavy
I wonder if you're feeling better
I hope I'm not smothering you
I wonder if you ever have thoughts
my kind of thoughts
Aug 11, 2014
Aug 11, 2014 at 1:09 AM UTC
If my tears taste like blood am I doing it wrong
Not too sure what's happening because I thought I was happy
Give me your word and stay with me tonight
We don't have to do much
Just look at the stars with me and let me tell you about how I want to be one
Imagine we can float up into the navy sky and have people look to us for guidance and admire our beauty
I was once a hopeless soul
Wandering lost and I'm not saying I'm found
But I've gotten onto a path I'm trying not to stray from
I want to live up to your expectations of being the best thing that's ever happened to you
Because that's what you are to me and darling you deserve all of the worlds in every universe
But I am different and difficult to love and I'm not sure what's wrong exactly but you can't get me outside of my head and that's what I really need
Don't fret over failure though darling because it's simply impossible
I just want you to know you've come the closest out of all of them
I just have a feeling I'm not supposed to be here and that I'll never feel at home and this skin will never fit quite right and this voice will never quite sound the same and I'll never be able to love you like I want to because I am a flawed system and
Darling
You are everything I've always dreamed of
Every wish that could've been granted
Because I've wished for impossible things as well
And you do seem so impossible
Improbable
Yet you are here and my happy place exists inside your bones and those strong arms of yours
I'm sorry if I stare at you often
I'm probably just trying to make sure you're still there
And I'm so in love with your face and skin and laugh and entirety and I love you from the whites of your eyes to the souls of your feet and every inch in between
I listen to your song because that is my religion and you're the only faith I've got in this world and I'm sorry for how I act sometimes I don't even know myself but you are the brightest light and most comforting night and I'd like to spend the rest of my days with you
You did nothing wrong and
I should've said goodnight
It's just been a long week, month, and I'm worn down from fighting so I don't fall back into that place I used to be in
And I know you don't really understand
Truth be told neither do I
And I wonder if I should try to explain or let the pieces fall where they may
You deserve truth but you deserve no burden
Maybe I can climb back on my own and brush the dust off my shoulders and stand taller and smile brighter and maybe it'll stay
Maybe we'll make a little money and something of ourselves and get out of this town that I hate but you don't mind
See the thing is I'm desperate to run because I think that will solve my problems but I read somewhere that you can't run away from what's inside your head and it's true but has anyone really tried because you know how determined I can be
Maybe it won't fix anything or maybe it will fix a lot
But all I know is I have to see some of this world and some of these people and
I have to live and not walk in circles on Main Street and come back to a house that I can't sleep in because the memories keep me up at night and I've befriended the dark and whatever is under my bed
Forgive me darling I know you'll never see this but I had to say it somehow and I'll go to sleep and talk to you in the morning and we'll go right back to being big dreamers and lovers of all sorts and I'll forget for a while that anything was even wrong in the first place
Jul 18, 2014
Jul 18, 2014 at 12:44 AM UTC
I'm so glad I don't miss you anymore.
May 30, 2014
May 30, 2014 at 12:45 PM UTC
Couldn’t sleep so I got dressed and went outside and puffed on a cigarette and saw this cute lil bunny hop right by me and I wondered why the lil guy was awake and I guess he didn’t really mind me standing there in the shadows but the air was clear and you could see the stars so easily and I could hear birds chirping and wondered why they were awake as well but then realized I could ask myself the same question and I know I shouldn’t have smoked but I justify it by saying it was only a couple puffs and maybe I’ll get some sleep now and dream about pleasant things and not old memories
May 7, 2014
May 7, 2014 at 2:21 AM UTC
This boy is good for me
Oh, he's so good for me.
But he can't compare to
these demons of mine.
And, sweetheart,
They were here first.
May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014 at 9:59 PM UTC
Do you remember when
I knew I could have the world
And you knew that you could fly
How we knew just about everything?
Do you remember when hugs
And bandaids and forehead kisses,
Chocolate candies, plastic flowers
And sweet hushes could fix anything?
Do you remember when we
Were invincible and unstoppable,
We were the superheroes and super
Villains and we wrote the story?
Do you remember when those feelings
Faded like those plastic flowers
And our words fell like the petals
That never were
And how we wondered
If we ever were
As well
Apr 18, 2014
Apr 18, 2014 at 1:59 AM UTC
And baby,
No. You're not my baby..
But you once were
Baby, I'm listening to these
Songs and this man's voice
Speaking of mind-numbing
Drugs and pills and poisons.
His tone is smooth and light
Like those summer breezes
When I didn't mind your company
And I listen to these songs and
Flash back to cold winter days
When I drove out to see you,
Stranger. Bachelor. Uncharted Man.
That air was cold and heavy
But you greeted me with warmth
Or maybe just ****** reaction
And I threw my inhibitions to the
Ground before you and let you
Step over them to reach to me
And you brought me into those
Deceitful and welcoming arms
And I wasted my winter days
With you, Bachelor,
trying to be untamed
Apr 7, 2014
Apr 7, 2014 at 1:57 AM UTC