**im starting to get better
at being the girl
no one can know about
you used me as a deciding factor
you were stuck between staying with her
or leaving her
and of course, you stayed
so where does that leave me**
Mar 26, 2015
Mar 26, 2015 at 11:03 AM UTC
i laid there for 2 hours
staring at the blades of
the oak ceiling fan as they
created a constant rhythm
stirring the air that
was circulating this
godforsaken room.
i laid there with just
a shirt on
plucking the torn
threads that sprouted
from the couch cushions --
i just laid there.
numb.
nothing really seemed the same anymore
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
tell me,
why didn't you stop?
i asked you to stop
14 times
and those stops were
intertwined with
quiet, desperate whispers
of "please" and "no"
i know you heard me
i know you knew what
you were doing
and i know that you
knew that i wanted you to
stop.
but you didn't.
you didn't stop.
so look at me,
take a look at me.
fractured, unraveling and
spiraling downward faster
than anything you've ever seen.
look what you've done.
look at me.
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 10:26 PM UTC
take me into your
hands and
hold me
until i disintegrate
completely
take me
so i can allow
the pieces of me that
you can't stand to
seep
through the slivers
of space between
each of your
fingers
i'll make sure that
the pieces of me
that you do like
stay
they’ll remain in
the palm of your hand
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i'm already in
the palm of your hand
so just take me
please
i'll stay as long as you want me to
Mar 23, 2015
Mar 23, 2015 at 9:00 PM UTC
you trace your finger
along my stomach
umbilicus to sternum
but that finger might as well
be a knife
allowing you to open me so you can
carefully pry apart my ribcage
with your demeaning hands
ive let you in
unwillingly
you're seeing parts of me
that God intended for us
to keep hidden from others
your eyes are opened
to what ive kept inside
the knots and
the butterflies and
the cracks and
the broken pieces of me
my ribs are shelves
collecting those knots
and butterflies and cracks
and broken pieces of me
displaying them like antiquities
each separated by empty space
that i prayed you'd fill
but all you do is
stare
unsatisfied
and when you're finished
you sew me back together
with lashes of shame and disgust
all i wanted was to please you
to see you show any type of empathy
or interest in who i really am
but you don't
why would you?
you taught me to truly hate myself
and guided me there with a book
hand written in cursive
illustrated and inspired by that
vicious tongue of yours
ive caged all of my demons
in hopes that ill be good enough
but i never am
i never will be
so i might as well set them free
and see what comes of it
and what comes of you and me
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 7:08 PM UTC
im in deep water
and can't find
a hand to hold or
a ledge to grab onto
i can't even feel my
legs enough
to use them
i can't save myself
and im trying
dear god
im trying
where are you
where have you been
i need you
so badly
and now
i see you
you're standing
ten feet away
above water
turned the other way
humming tunes
filled with hesitation
anger
and mistrust
you're allowing me to
drown
to suffocate
and i'll
sink slowly
until i hit the bottom
and when you turn
around
ill be gone
then maybe you'll be happy
Oct 26, 2014
Oct 26, 2014 at 11:45 PM UTC
your breathing becomes increasingly
heavier
deeper
louder
stronger
as i allow every inch of my being
to sink into you
i watch your lips
as they move discreetly
youre asleep
but i kiss them anyway
and this would be okay
if you loved me
cared for me
felt anything for me
but i was just a call
at 1 am
followed by
a half mile walk
to your door
and i end up here
i always end up here
every time
your hand on my
bare back
and you dont know
but i can see you
and i think
youre beautiful
but to you
tonight
im just the girl
who happened to fall
asleep with you
after allowing you
to do whatever you wanted
to me
and tomorrow?
tomorrow ill be
a walk of shame
and a conversation
topic
but im okay with that
because im okay with you
& im with you and
that makes me feel
okay
so ill continue to
delicately package all
of these thoughts
and feelings that
have managed to create
a hurricane inside of me
and instead of handing
them to you
with my unusually
fragile hands
ill hide them in the
crevices that youll
never be able to touch
or see
and never knew
were there
because im a fool
if i think im anything
more than a
call at 1 am
followed by a
half mile walk
to your
door
Oct 25, 2014
Oct 25, 2014 at 10:26 AM UTC
familiar old friend
although
im not sure if friend
is the right word
its been almost
a year now
almost
284 days
that i was kinda
proud of
but here we are
here i am
running my fingers
along your edges
and
theyre cold
cold enough
that when i trace
my hips with
you it
almost feels
safe
and
habitual
but i said
almost
and you see
i only want you
around
when i cant
face my mistakes
when i cant
face the people
i hurt
and the
pain ive caused
i know its wrong
i know that
but i deserve it
unlike a lot of things
i deserve this
Oct 24, 2014
Oct 24, 2014 at 9:42 PM UTC
i sat on the edge of his bed
staring at his pathetically
painted blood-red walls
clicking the lock button
on my phone
repeatedly
praying to the only
God i know
as he cuts a line
squeezing a rolled 10 dollar
bill between his thighs
he doesn't know how much
i hate this
or
how it kills me
to watch him do
this
it kills me
because
he can't stand to be
with me
unless he's all sorts of
high
unless he can't remember
who he is or what we're
doing here together
and
he can't go
5
minutes without
smoking or
snorting or
placing a
pretty colored
pill on his bumpy pink tongue
just so his vision of me
goes a little blurry
and he can't hold a conversation
with me unless it
involves him
breathing heavily
and thrusting
on top of my bare
body
and nothing is as
it seems
for him or
for me
anymore
who are you when
you're sober
because i've
never
known
i thought i
loved
you but
i don't and
i can't and
i won't
i won't ******* love you
and i refuse to
because
when i did love you
i never loved
you
i loved who those drugs
made you
and
it kills me
but
today,
today was different
because
today
it killed you
too.
Jul 26, 2014
Jul 26, 2014 at 10:07 AM UTC
71 days
since you looked
at me
clenching your phone
as your knuckles fade
into the brightest of whites
& water droplets consume
your bottom lashes
71 days since
you told me
she wasn't going
to make it
68 days
since we sat in my car
silent
tears crawling down your
sweet cheeks
outside of that place
they call hospice
& we call hell
55 days
since you called me from
school and begged that
i pick you up
so i did
and we drove
we drove aimlessly until
we found a diner to
eat at
a diner that held no
significance
no memory of that
sweet woman you knew
you were about to
lose
51 days
since you told me
"i want her to let go now"
"she needs to be free"
50 days
since you said your
good-byes
you told her you loved her
and all she could
manage
was a tender
squeeze of the hand
48 days
since your father fell
asleep for
three minutes
holding her cold hand
and within that
short
one hundred and eighty seconds
3:30 a.m.
she slipped into her
next life
dressed in white, i'm sure
leaving behind this
family of
now
only
4.
47 days
since my mother
watched a shadowed
figure leave &
disappear from
my little brother's room
at four a.m.
as he slept
it was her, i'm sure
42 days
since i stood next
to you
looking down at
a body no longer
full of
life
draped in pink
holding your hand
33 days
24 days
16 days
9 days
3 days
&
last night
all i could say
was i'm sorry
as i held your
trembling hands
soothing your rapid
repetitive
breathing &
promising those
swollen eyes that you
will
one day
be held by her again
instead of me
as you
dance with her in the sky
Jul 24, 2014
Jul 24, 2014 at 11:41 PM UTC
you love her.
you loved me
6 years
4 months and 13 days.
you loved me.
you even loved me those nights you
found yourself on top of
another girl touching her
bare, unscarred hips
and
wrapping your hands around her neck
instead of mine
smelling & inhaling the scents that
seeped from her
pores
finding
every crevice of her
22 year old body
every ******* crevice
but you said
sorry
and
you still loved me.
1 year
7 months
11 days
&
here i am
you asked to see me and
i said okay.
but now you love
her.
you undress me
examine me
"it's okay if i'm only looking"
"it's not cheating if i don't touch you"
and yet.
you touch me.
and i stand there
naked
in front of you as you
tell me
how wonderful she is
but i love you
i've loved you for 6 years
4 months and 13 god **** days
aaron
and
you still ******* love her
you love her enough to stop
yourself from ******* me
from kissing me
enough to put my dress back on my
body
with those
calloused hands and
a tear in your ******* eye
you love her enough
to hold back
to remember
to prevent those scars that
you allowed me
to create so generously.
you love her.
more than you
ever loved
me.
Jul 24, 2014
Jul 24, 2014 at 8:20 PM UTC