you were my entire world,
and while i accept blame and responsibility
for making a universe out of a mere mortal,
that doesn’t change the fact that
the sky suddenly seemed empty
when you left.
the stars shone a bit dimmer,
the light in my eyes went out.
eventually other people came along.
they carried torches and used their flames
to rekindle the ones i had lost.
the stars started glowing again.
i learned how to remove you.
dug you out from under my skin,
erased you from my brain.
you became mere mortal, once more.
and i was okay.
and then you came along again,
telling me you were sorry.
i don’t want an “i’m sorry”
i want you to tell me you miss me
i want you to tell me there’s a hole shaped like me
somewhere in your heart,
and you want me to fill it again.
i want you to tell me i changed you,
that you also can’t listen to
the songs that we used to sing to each other,
have memorized by heart,
because that would mean having to acknowledge me,
remember what we had,
and that would hurt too much.
i want you to ask if you cross my mind,
because i cross yours all the time, and it’s as if
a piece of me has been etched into your brain and ears and eyes,
so that no matter what,
there are certain things that you can’t
watch or read or hear
without thinking of me.
tell me you love me.
because no matter how far away i try to throw you,
you always seem to find your way back to me,
back under my skin,
back into my heart.
i haven’t stopped loving you.
i don’t know how to.
but i want to.
so save your i’m sorry’s,
save your nostalgia and frustration and sadness
for the next girl whose heart you break.
there’s no room for it here.
Apr 2, 2017
Apr 2, 2017 at 5:44 PM UTC
you asked me to describe you,
and i found myself at a loss
for words
(which doesn’t happen very often;
words usually pour out of me
like water from a fountain).
you mean the entire ******* world to me,
how do i put that into words?
how do i put you into words?
you're the literal light of my life:
you’re a ray of sunshine,
a respite from the constant thunder and rain
that seems to follow me around no matter where i go.
you pour constant love and warmth into me,
so much so that
even on the gloomiest of days,
i feel happy and okay.
you’re my inspiration;
i look up to you in every possible way.
you make me want to be a better person,
show me what that could be like.
you are soft and gentle and kind.
you’re the feeling of coming home
of watching a movie under the blankets
with a cup of hot cocoa
of finding something that you thought you had lost,
and the relief because
you couldn’t imagine living
without something so amazing.
you’re the feeling of safety and security,
of knowing that everything’s going to be okay,
of opening a new book and becoming immersed
in an entirely new world, something you never could’ve dreamt up.
you’re the feeling i get when my favorite song comes on,
shouting the lyrics and knowing i’m off-key but not caring.
you remind me what it’s like to feel alive,
what it’s like to feel human
(and how can i put that into words?)
Apr 2, 2017
Apr 2, 2017 at 1:48 AM UTC
I suppose I could plead innocent to this crime,
But that would be lying.
After all, I knew exactly what I was doing
Each and every time I took you apart,
Ripping your self-esteem and sense of security down
With every cruel word I threw at you,
Like a game of darts with your heart as the target.
You tell me that despite having broken up with me,
You can’t possibly forget me because all your demons have my voice.
I suppose you hoped that would spark remorse within me,
And serve as some sort of proof that there’s evidence of what I’ve done.
But darling, I don’t think you understand;
That was my intention all along:
To leave an imprint in your life.
I’ve always been enamored by graffiti on public property.
I suppose destroying you
Was my way of imitating that;
Leaving my mark on something that
Wasn’t mine to begin with, nor to end with.
If it’s any consolation,
I’m not proud of the person I’ve become.
But at this point I’m afraid
It’s too late to try to change.
Jun 5, 2016
Jun 5, 2016 at 11:24 AM UTC
I’m ashamed to say I’ve become a bit of a thief;
A pickpocket of sorts.
It started out small.
A few roses from our neighbors’ garden, every now and then.
I knew it was wrong to take something that wasn’t mine,
But I fell in love with the way your eyes lit up
when I held out those little bits of stolen life, stolen joy.
It soon escalated after that.
I saw the way you gazed lovingly up at the moon,
and I became determined to make it yours.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried,
The moon remained unattainable.
(There is only one, after all.)
I figured I’d aim for the next best thing, so
I hope you like the stars I stole for you.
May 17, 2016
May 17, 2016 at 9:52 PM UTC
"I'm a sad girl/I'm a bad girl//"
I'm a sad girl
but I've gotten better at controlling it.
now I only let myself get sad once Loneliness knocks on my door and invites itself in. it tends to do so past midnight, but it does enjoy keeping me on my toes. sometimes, it'll creep up on me while I'm in the car, and a song comes on the radio that reminds me of you.
I'm a bad girl
but only occasionally.
I'd like to think that I'm a total badass that can pull off the whole "I don't give a **** attitude. but I can't.
so when you try to picture me as I tell you I'm a bad girl, don't picture me as a mysterious teenager with a taste for wild adventures.
picture me instead as the girl that lashes out at people, and is known for being a bit of a *****
———
I'm a sad girl
and most of the time, it's because of you.
which, I suppose, might amuse you, because you do enjoy the thought that everything is about you.
but it isn't, really. not anymore.
of course, I think of you, from time to time. but I know I never cross your mind, and I don't think I ever did.
and somehow the thought of that was enough to help me make peace with what happened. I'm okay now,with letting you go. Loneliness has found other people to entertain, as have I.
I'm a bad girl
but not really.
I'm much too vulnerable for that. but I've learned that there is strength to be found in that—in weakness.
I wanted to be invincible, and who can blame me, really? isn't it every teenager's dream to be on top of the world?
but being undefeatable and creating distance between anyone that tries to get you to open up are not the same thing.
and if I had to choose, I'd rather be sad.
at least then, I know that while I'd have crazy mood swings and bursts of darkness, I'd be in full control of my feelings.
and one day, I'll be okay.
Feb 16, 2016
Feb 16, 2016 at 5:42 PM UTC
you need to live for the little moments.
for dancing in your kitchen all by yourself.
for spinning around in the rain.
for the random bursts of inspiration.
for little adventures in the city, for exploring
and getting lost but
enjoying every minute of it.
for body-positive days, when you decide
that you feel like rocking that almost-too-short dress
and those glittery heels and eyeshadow and that dark red lipstick.
for baking at 2 in the morning.
for having movie marathons, complete
with popcorn and lots of chocolate.
//
for that feeling you get when you discover a new book
that you fall instantly in love with.
for that feeling you get when you stumble across
something you accepted was lost.
for the feeling you get when you can finally play that song
that you've been practicing for hours and hours and
it sounds amazing.
//
for all the times that you'll laugh so hard
you can hardly breathe.
and all the days that you'll spend in that one coffeeshop,
surrounded by people that make you feel okay.
for being able to see the bands that you listen to constantly
live in concert, and your voice getting lost in the crowd
as you all sing along to the song that has kept you
from falling apart time and time again.
you have so much to live for.
but most importantly, you have to live
for yourself.
Dec 7, 2015
Dec 7, 2015 at 10:44 PM UTC
my sadness is asking to use the bathroom during class just so I can lock myself up in one of the stalls and break down completely without worrying about people watching me. my sadness is trying trying trying to write but my hands are shaking too much to do anything but bury my head in them. my sadness is typing up messages to friends about what a ****** day it's been, but deleting the whole thing just as I'm about to send it, because no one deserves to be burdened by my problems— this is my struggle and mine alone; and I need to be able to deal with it. my sadness is not being in control of my own thoughts; not knowing how make the screaming voices stop. my sadness is absorbing the pain from people around me and sometimes letting it get to me.
--
my sadness isn't rainy days and a few "sad songs". my sadness isn't "she drank the whole bottle but your name still burns at the back of her throat". my sadness isn't me spending time in children's playgrounds, surrounded by people with thoughts darker than mine ever could be, and a taste for drugs and danger. my sadness isn't "she smokes now, but her mind is still as hazy as the day you left". my sadness isn't flowers in my hair or anything that can be encapsulated in a tumblr photo or quote. my sadness isn't beautiful, nor poetic.
--
it's just sad.
Nov 7, 2015
Nov 7, 2015 at 8:44 AM UTC
and isn't it strange?
we all have so many emotions
and later on we don't even remember why we felt a specific way
just that it hurt.
Oct 29, 2015
Oct 29, 2015 at 8:38 PM UTC
you hold me up high on a pedestal-
your perfect gold shining trophy.
//
to you, the world has always been different tones of monochrome.
the sun was pale- almost white, but not quite.
the oceans were their own hue of gray- special and unique.
and when I befriended you, I took a variety of pigments
and started to paint a spectrum of light onto your canvas of reality.
you always gush to your friends and family about me-
how charismatic and lovely I am.
how I touched your icy grey eyes with my bright blue hands
and gifted you with a sense of sight.
and I'm honored, I promise I am.
but darling, there is vibrant yellow sunshine in your veins
and a purple haze in your mind.
there is stardust that shines brightly within you,
mixed right in there with your cherry-red blood.
there has always been color in your life.
but you never quite allowed yourself to see it.
I'm not anything extraordinary. but I hope that when you realize that,
you'll keep the colors that I inked into your life.
//
and maybe, you'll keep me, too.
Oct 23, 2015
Oct 23, 2015 at 10:37 PM UTC
darling, I know the voices in your head
can go on for hours each day
about just how insufficient you are.
but I'd scream from the top of my lungs
just so you could hear the truth:
you are enough.
you have always been more than enough.
Oct 12, 2015
Oct 12, 2015 at 5:36 PM UTC