emptydurbansky - Hello Poetry

I was at work today And I thought of you. I was doing laundry today And I thought of you. I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, Darkness swarming me, And I thought of you. I was staring out the window on the ride home, And I thought of you. I thought about the emptiness in your bed.. I thought about the quietness of your home. I often think about Nick's face and his burgundy dress shirt. I swear to God, I hate it now. I hate the look he gave me when I walked in. I hate the weight that his been placed on his chest lately, on all of ours. It still feels unreal. I feel like I am supposed to see you at Matt's barbecues this summer. I think about you getting bugs in your teeth from riding around the lawn. Sometimes when you are out and about with life, it just hits you. You never expect it. Today, the sun came out and it made me upset to think that I cannot share that with you.

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May 7, 2018

May 7, 2018 at 5:26 PM UTC

Sometimes is just hits you

I was at work today And I thought of you. I was doing laundry today And I thought of you. I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, Darkness swarming me, And I thought of you. I was staring out the window on the ride home, And I thought of you. I thought about the emptiness in your bed.. I thought about the quietness of your home. I often think about Nick's face and his burgundy dress shirt. I swear to God, I hate it now. I hate the look he gave me when I walked in. I hate the weight that his been placed on his chest lately, on all of ours. It still feels unreal. I feel like I am supposed to see you at Matt's barbecues this summer. I think about you getting bugs in your teeth from riding around the lawn. Sometimes when you are out and about with life, it just hits you. You never expect it. Today, the sun came out and it made me upset to think that I cannot share that with you.

22

Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion. I don’t feel anything Until suddenly it’s too much to handle. I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality, I know it’s deeper. I am a constant cloud of worry. Dampening everything and everyone in my path. I like to think that it’s not you. I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore. I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes, In my dreams, Trying to find you and bring you home. I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life. That this whole thing isn’t real. I sometimes see your face in strangers As I am walking to class, At the grocery store, In parking lots. I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life. I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late. I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep. Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement. Since you’ve been gone, I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone. It feels wrong. I’ve been talking to Erika more now. It feels nice. I think you would be proud. I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again. Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile. I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot. I wonder how you’re feeling up there. I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you. I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left. I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately. The days feel dark. Life feels like one big, Hazy storm. I wonder why this happens so often. I often feel like I am being punished, And I don't know why. I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God. It's fine, really. I know you aren't suffering. I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been. But did you see Nick's face? Do you know how we are feeling? There is something significant about the way you made others feel. I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you. It feels like you are oceans away, but in reality, It is much, much farther than that. I wake up every day with this weight on my chest. The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer. The weight of your alcoholic father. The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone. I wish I knew what this meant. I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you. I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji. And I just think about how stupid that is. I am so angry that you're not here with me.

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Apr 2, 2018

Apr 2, 2018 at 10:17 PM UTC

Days Like This

Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion. I don’t feel anything Until suddenly it’s too much to handle. I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality, I know it’s deeper. I am a constant cloud of worry. Dampening everything and everyone in my path. I like to think that it’s not you. I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore. I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes, In my dreams, Trying to find you and bring you home. I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life. That this whole thing isn’t real. I sometimes see your face in strangers As I am walking to class, At the grocery store, In parking lots. I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life. I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late. I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep. Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement. Since you’ve been gone, I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone. It feels wrong. I’ve been talking to Erika more now. It feels nice. I think you would be proud. I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again. Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile. I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot. I wonder how you’re feeling up there. I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you. I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left. I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately. The days feel dark. Life feels like one big, Hazy storm. I wonder why this happens so often. I often feel like I am being punished, And I don't know why. I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God. It's fine, really. I know you aren't suffering. I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been. But did you see Nick's face? Do you know how we are feeling? There is something significant about the way you made others feel. I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you. It feels like you are oceans away, but in reality, It is much, much farther than that. I wake up every day with this weight on my chest. The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer. The weight of your alcoholic father. The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone. I wish I knew what this meant. I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you. I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji. And I just think about how stupid that is. I am so angry that you're not here with me.

61

On Sunday, I drove to your house. We sat in your bed, And you kept asking me if I missed you over the weekend. You asked me twice without even noticing. I haven't talked to you since. You see, I want you to miss me this time. I want you to check your phone every five minutes to see if I've called..texted.. sent a carrier pigeon. You see, I want to feel wanted. Is that too much to ask? You've been up walking holes in your shoes and I am unsure why. I sometimes feel like I don't know how to speak to you. I sometimes feel like I struggle to find the right words to say. I hate that. You just posted a photo on your story. You don't even notice that I have ignored your text. You never said that you loved me today. I feel like everything is so forced. So I will allow myself to give you this space. Sometimes, it pains me. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. The beginning of the weeks seem to be hard for me. Today, it's pouring. And right now, I wish I was home. In the comfort of my father's arms. I've come to a realization that he is the only person that would never hurt me.

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Feb 20, 2018

Feb 20, 2018 at 9:17 PM UTC

Miss Me

On Sunday, I drove to your house. We sat in your bed, And you kept asking me if I missed you over the weekend. You asked me twice without even noticing. I haven't talked to you since. You see, I want you to miss me this time. I want you to check your phone every five minutes to see if I've called..texted.. sent a carrier pigeon. You see, I want to feel wanted. Is that too much to ask? You've been up walking holes in your shoes and I am unsure why. I sometimes feel like I don't know how to speak to you. I sometimes feel like I struggle to find the right words to say. I hate that. You just posted a photo on your story. You don't even notice that I have ignored your text. You never said that you loved me today. I feel like everything is so forced. So I will allow myself to give you this space. Sometimes, it pains me. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. The beginning of the weeks seem to be hard for me. Today, it's pouring. And right now, I wish I was home. In the comfort of my father's arms. I've come to a realization that he is the only person that would never hurt me.

28

When I was younger, I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials. I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!' I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic. I never thought that as an adult, I would be faced with the same issues. I never thought I would reach a day in my life, where all I ever want to do is sleep. I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks. I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning. I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed. I used to love the snow, but ever since my junior year of high school, I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites. I literally have no idea how to help myself. I feel so incredibly isolated. Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired. I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter. I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode. Maybe it's the weather, Or maybe it is me. Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in. I feel like I can never please anyone. I feel like I lose all sense of motivation. I do not understand. This time, it is different. For I do not want to take my own life this season, but I do not want to do anything with it. I am drowning in homework. I am drowning in confusion and doubt. I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now, because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve my constant complaints. I just feel so empty inside. How do I deal with this? This ache comes back season, after winter season. I cannot wrap my mind around it. Why does this happen to me? I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need. I feel as if I am lacking something, or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months. Perhaps it is my heart.

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Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018 at 10:10 PM UTC

Seasonal Depression

When I was younger, I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials. I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!' I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic. I never thought that as an adult, I would be faced with the same issues. I never thought I would reach a day in my life, where all I ever want to do is sleep. I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks. I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning. I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed. I used to love the snow, but ever since my junior year of high school, I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites. I literally have no idea how to help myself. I feel so incredibly isolated. Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired. I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter. I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode. Maybe it's the weather, Or maybe it is me. Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in. I feel like I can never please anyone. I feel like I lose all sense of motivation. I do not understand. This time, it is different. For I do not want to take my own life this season, but I do not want to do anything with it. I am drowning in homework. I am drowning in confusion and doubt. I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now, because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve my constant complaints. I just feel so empty inside. How do I deal with this? This ache comes back season, after winter season. I cannot wrap my mind around it. Why does this happen to me? I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need. I feel as if I am lacking something, or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months. Perhaps it is my heart.

42

Weeks have gone by since we last spoke. You're currently on the other side of the world right now, and I want so badly for you to just stay there. My hometown is much better when you aren't here. I can go to the store, to our favorite restaurant, past your work, and I don't even worry about you seeing me. I find myself looking for your car in parking lots and on the freeway. The "junk" sticker your friend strategically placed on your bumper, still burns in my head. I look for the yellow 'w' on your mothers Honda. I find myself doing this all the time. While I'm at coffee with a friend. Stuck behind green lights. Daydreaming at work. It's so strange. I'm so scared to see you again. I have this love love hate whatever feeling stuck in the pits of my stomach. It's not as though I'm confused. I knew what you were doing. I guess I just have this urge to spite you, but not quite. I made out with two boys in one day, so I just figured you should know that. I want so badly for you to see me and for you to want me more than you ever have in your life. I want to turn you down, until you are crumpled paper that I can set fire to. It's crazy how sadness turns into anger in a matter of time. Every single time I hear that song, part of me wants to cry, But as a whole, i have no tears left in my being. I wish you saw me when I was depressed. I guess I wish you would have understood what you put me through. I guess I wish you could read this. Being without you feels good, but lonely at the same time. I don't know.. I should have dumped you a long time ago You still come up in daily conversations... "Oh me and so and so used to do that..." I think at some point that will go away.. I'm doing better now. I hope it lasts.

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May 30, 2017

May 30, 2017 at 1:25 AM UTC

Weeks

Weeks have gone by since we last spoke. You're currently on the other side of the world right now, and I want so badly for you to just stay there. My hometown is much better when you aren't here. I can go to the store, to our favorite restaurant, past your work, and I don't even worry about you seeing me. I find myself looking for your car in parking lots and on the freeway. The "junk" sticker your friend strategically placed on your bumper, still burns in my head. I look for the yellow 'w' on your mothers Honda. I find myself doing this all the time. While I'm at coffee with a friend. Stuck behind green lights. Daydreaming at work. It's so strange. I'm so scared to see you again. I have this love love hate whatever feeling stuck in the pits of my stomach. It's not as though I'm confused. I knew what you were doing. I guess I just have this urge to spite you, but not quite. I made out with two boys in one day, so I just figured you should know that. I want so badly for you to see me and for you to want me more than you ever have in your life. I want to turn you down, until you are crumpled paper that I can set fire to. It's crazy how sadness turns into anger in a matter of time. Every single time I hear that song, part of me wants to cry, But as a whole, i have no tears left in my being. I wish you saw me when I was depressed. I guess I wish you would have understood what you put me through. I guess I wish you could read this. Being without you feels good, but lonely at the same time. I don't know.. I should have dumped you a long time ago You still come up in daily conversations... "Oh me and so and so used to do that..." I think at some point that will go away.. I'm doing better now. I hope it lasts.

34

It's one o'clock in the morning. It's been a week since I last saw you. I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me. It was as if you were holding a grudge... I keep thinking about us, Where our relationship cracked And I can't figure out exactly where it started. I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be. Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess. I think about how a week ago, I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills. I think about how much weight and sleep I lost. I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you.. I think about where I am right now... I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible. It's a bit of an in between phase... I wonder how long it will be like this.. I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter. I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile.. I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me. I want you get revenge.. I want you to wreck havoc. I want you to miss me. I want to move on sometimes. Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities.. I send you long messages About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything. I'm so confused. Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused. To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st.. I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours.. And then I fell in love with you.. Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me.. It's really ****** up, I know.. I can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space... I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart.. I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you. I hate that we are in this mess. I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week.. I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now.. Or if you are already talking to somebody else.. I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest. I hate that you make me feel this way..

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May 17, 2017

May 17, 2017 at 1:22 AM UTC

Untitled

It's one o'clock in the morning. It's been a week since I last saw you. I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me. It was as if you were holding a grudge... I keep thinking about us, Where our relationship cracked And I can't figure out exactly where it started. I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be. Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess. I think about how a week ago, I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills. I think about how much weight and sleep I lost. I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you.. I think about where I am right now... I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible. It's a bit of an in between phase... I wonder how long it will be like this.. I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter. I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile.. I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me. I want you get revenge.. I want you to wreck havoc. I want you to miss me. I want to move on sometimes. Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities.. I send you long messages About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything. I'm so confused. Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused. To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st.. I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours.. And then I fell in love with you.. Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me.. It's really ****** up, I know.. I can't stop thinking about you. I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space... I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart.. I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you. I hate that we are in this mess. I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week.. I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now.. Or if you are already talking to somebody else.. I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest. I hate that you make me feel this way..

44

If he begs you to get back together with him and then breaks your heart, He's not worth it. If he tells you he'd sleep with your best friend, He's not worth it. If he brings up your past in which he was not involved in, He's not worth it. If he maked you want to douse your dreams in gasoline and strike the match against his cheek, He's not worth it. If he makes you feel like you are not a priority, He's not worth it. If he doesn't cry when you say goodbye for the last time, He's not worth it. If he doesn't let you call him late at night because this whole thing is killing you inside, Then he's not worth it. If he makes you want to take bottles and bottles of pills just to keep you from thinking about him, Then he's not worth it. He's not worth crying over day after day. He's not worth the untouched food on your plate. He's not worth those twenty pounds that you lost from lack of hunger. He's not worth losing sleep over. He's not worth beating myself up to death. He's not worth the millions of missed calls you've sent him. He's not worth the desperation in your voice when you beg him to stay. He's not worth any of it. You say you're confused and he doesn't give you closure. He has all of your things in his house still, And those things no longer hold value, because he's not worth the pain. He's not worth the agony. Talk to yourself in the mall, in the car, in your bed whenever you feel alone. There are things you never got to say. But talking to him at this point just makes things worse.. Block his number and all of his social media. The thought of him ever wanting to come back to you after this will burn holes in your shoes. He never really appreciated what you had to offer. And trust me, I know it hurts. But your friends will never have the right words to say. Your family won't allow you to drive to his house in the middle of then night when you are broken and hell bent. Romance, for me, so often ends in painstaking heart ache. So you need to gather yourself. Get up. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Eat a homecooked meal. Go to work. Start working out. And get this boy off of your chest. Scrub your self in the shower. One day, you'll realize that this no longer hurts you anymore. You've done it before. And you can do it again.

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May 8, 2017

May 8, 2017 at 5:28 AM UTC

Know your worth

If he begs you to get back together with him and then breaks your heart, He's not worth it. If he tells you he'd sleep with your best friend, He's not worth it. If he brings up your past in which he was not involved in, He's not worth it. If he maked you want to douse your dreams in gasoline and strike the match against his cheek, He's not worth it. If he makes you feel like you are not a priority, He's not worth it. If he doesn't cry when you say goodbye for the last time, He's not worth it. If he doesn't let you call him late at night because this whole thing is killing you inside, Then he's not worth it. If he makes you want to take bottles and bottles of pills just to keep you from thinking about him, Then he's not worth it. He's not worth crying over day after day. He's not worth the untouched food on your plate. He's not worth those twenty pounds that you lost from lack of hunger. He's not worth losing sleep over. He's not worth beating myself up to death. He's not worth the millions of missed calls you've sent him. He's not worth the desperation in your voice when you beg him to stay. He's not worth any of it. You say you're confused and he doesn't give you closure. He has all of your things in his house still, And those things no longer hold value, because he's not worth the pain. He's not worth the agony. Talk to yourself in the mall, in the car, in your bed whenever you feel alone. There are things you never got to say. But talking to him at this point just makes things worse.. Block his number and all of his social media. The thought of him ever wanting to come back to you after this will burn holes in your shoes. He never really appreciated what you had to offer. And trust me, I know it hurts. But your friends will never have the right words to say. Your family won't allow you to drive to his house in the middle of then night when you are broken and hell bent. Romance, for me, so often ends in painstaking heart ache. So you need to gather yourself. Get up. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Eat a homecooked meal. Go to work. Start working out. And get this boy off of your chest. Scrub your self in the shower. One day, you'll realize that this no longer hurts you anymore. You've done it before. And you can do it again.

50