he spoke so gently with his eyes looking forward
he fought so loyally and valiantly,
holding dark secrets in his pockets and letting trespasses against him roll off his skin -
he never let them sink in
the words he had to speak stung in his throat as he forced them out
his voice broke saying the words out loud,
because the truth could not evade him when it became sound
-----the thing is that he just----
He hears what you mean when you speak and he hears the specific words you choose to say.
He sees you as you are and he sees what what you see in yourself.
He loves people through a kinder version of their own eyes.
He showed me what it meant to be loved, and to love myself.
He taught me that love is worth more than value itself.
He wrote his wordless ardor on my soul,
and filled my bones with a gentle glow.
----the thing is you're irrevocably in his blood---
i love the way he loved you and i love the way you loved him
i envied the unconditional trust, the unconventional loyalty, the unequivocal bond, and the unrestricted devotion to your kinship
i was so addicted to the taste of his warmth
i was so saturated with the trespasses i invited through my pores
i was so blind to the irreplaceable moments that came with existence and i just
I just can't fathom the reality that you're gone--that you're gone and he had to not only say the words but also hear them.
I'm situated in angst of the pain he has to carry.
But he taught me that love is worth more than value itself, and it's better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all.
But the thing is, anyway, he saw both of us through kinder versions of our own eyes.
He loved us and loves us the same every single day.
He showed us magic on earth and he continues to fill my bitter heart with gladness.
I'm so glad to have had the pleasure of knowing you both, separately and inseparably.
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 4:08 AM UTC
Death has a name and He plays a game with me every day
Tick tock the time on the clock is just a minute closer for the clock to stop ticking
Death, my old friend you're just mocking me
Running His finger around the clock and He
Just
Keeps
Ticking
Spilling precious seconds of bliss instantaneously like they weren't irreplaceably valuable
Dragging out months of misery full of tragedies that aren't in any way malleable
Death my old friend why don't you just give me a hand
So your time-keeping can end and I can just be as I am
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 12:51 AM UTC
Trying to write when your heart's not in it is like
Trying to breathe when your lungs aren't in it
Not only pointless, but also impossible.
Therefore, writer's block is a form of asthma.
Dec 5, 2016
Dec 5, 2016 at 11:34 PM UTC
I want to interconnect my soul to running water and rain and thunder
I want to feel electric shock waves of relief every time there is lightening
I want to crave sunlight on my skin after I take off the dark cloak of night that wraps around my body when the day breaks
I want to become weightless so I can take a nap on a leaf on a branch of a tree and find a home with the place that always knows how things go
I want to build a leaf house and forget about the world that kicked me out
I want to have a never ending love affair with those little ***** of rain leaking from the sky
That could be recycled dinosaur dragon sweat or the tears of Jesus and I want to revel in the possibility that the world can bring me
Away from the world that left me out
Jun 26, 2016
Jun 26, 2016 at 12:39 AM UTC
I fell in love with you because you were cautious with me. You were cautious with my heart. You were nervous and aware of every little thing you did or said; you were careful with me. I fell in love with you because you were my friend. You made me laugh. I started to feel safe and comfortable being around you because of how easily we got along, how simple it was being with you, and how happy I was in your presence. I fell in love with you because you listened to me. You looked at me and never averted your gaze. You soaked in every little thing I had to say. You made me begin to realize my ideas meant something. You became the ears for every idea that I felt able to share. You gave me the ability to share myself. I fell in love with you because you shared yourself with me, too. I fell in love with you because you were way more cautious with my heart than you were with yours. You were vulnerable with me; you let me in so quickly and so deeply. If you had any walls, then I never saw them. You made me feel like I didn't need walls either. I fell in love with you because of your interests, because of your intelligence, and because of your dreams and aspirations. I fell in love with you because of your kindheartedness, nobility, and because of your unfailing honesty. I fell in love with you because of your perseverance and your patience when I became hard to please. I fell in love with you because you saw me at my worst and still made me feel beautiful. I fell in love with you because you learned my deepest, darkest secrets and insecurities and still saw me as a whole person. I fell in love with you because you shared yourself with me and I was able to love you as a whole person, too. I fall in love with you every day. I fall in love with your smile and your laugh, just like I did the first night I met you. I fall in love with the words that you say and the respectful touches that you give me when I need them the most. I love you. I love the arches in your brows when you focus; I love the curves of your smile when you're intrigued; I love the way your hands fold over mine when you walk with me. I love the sound of your voice that feels like home; I love the sky blue color of your eyes that hold my gaze; I love the words that you say that make me feel safe. I love the way you love me and hold me accountable for being who I am. I love the way you encourage me and uplift me in every way that you can. I love who you are and I always will. I fell in love with you then, I love you now, and I will always fall in love with you every single day.
May 26, 2016
May 26, 2016 at 2:40 AM UTC
looking at an upside down picture of you
it would probably hurt you if you knew that i thought about it
i thought about looking at you from upside down
i thought about ending my life and taking a seat in the ground
it would probably hurt you if you knew
that i thought about it
i wish i could end the pain in my heart because i know it pains yours too
i wish i could smile in my eyes like yours do
i've memorized your face when you look at me
and yet i feel like i will never see what you see
i don't know how to cover the holes in my soul that bleed
i don't know if i'll ever do anything
but i'm pretty sure it'd hurt you
if you knew i thought about it
i thought about the life we would have if i could get there
i thought about the times we have had when times were better
i thought about the way things might end
if i can't figure where you and i can begin
again
i thought about it
May 26, 2016
May 26, 2016 at 2:11 AM UTC
I fell in love with the boy who thought he couldn't feel because he felt everything at once
I fell in love with the boy who was my home even though he was lost
I fell in love with the boy who taught me that love didn't come at a cost
I fell in love with the boy who broke my heart so many times I stopped keeping count
I fell in love with the boy who taught me love wasn't a thing to be found
I fell in love with the boy who made silence my favorite sound
I fell in love with the boy whose lies left a permanent taste in my mouth
With him time and place didn't mean anything
All I noticed was when the phone didn't ring
All these words to say, they were so heavy and silencing
He made me feel colors and
Like I couldn't be compared to others
But really he was just manipulating my emotions
Ruining my ability to trust without so many precautions
Drowning me in empty perceptual oceans
I thought I couldn't bring myself to get over it
But I did and
That's the end.
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 1:50 AM UTC
Today I woke up early and I thought it was important! I thought today would be a day for me to do things that were worth it. I woke up early and I tried hard. I walked around and I asked people questions. I tried to ask questions that were important. I looked at people into their eyes and I tried to actually be present. I ate food and I saw things. It's hard for me to wake up sometimes, actually all the times. I never really want to wake up. I try hard and I work hard but I always forget to ask people questions. I'm not always present. When people are around me and my eyes are open I don't look into their eyes. I don't often think about food and I think eating is inconvenient. I guess I thought today I'd pretend all those things were important. So I woke up early today, I woke up early can you believe it? I woke up early because today waking up was important! I walked around and I asked people questions! I looked at them in their eyes and only saw my reflection. I wished I hadn't woken up early when they walked right past me and didn't answer my questions. I tried eating and pretending that it was convenient, that eating was important. The food tasted like the lie I knew it was; with each bite I felt like I was more a fraud, an actor, an imposter. As if I was someone who could believe I was important. As if I was someone who woke up early and looked at people in the eyes and asked them questions. As if I was someone who felt like a time for food was convenient. Maybe I'm a liar, maybe I'm something more. Maybe people didn't see the truth in my eyes when I met them at their core. Maybe I didn't need to wake up early to have time to focus my gaze. Maybe I don't need to ask people questions to make them see that I'm awake. Maybe none of these things are needed to validate that I'm important. Maybe I'm the one that needs to realize I'm worth it.
Apr 19, 2016
Apr 19, 2016 at 12:56 AM UTC
Words that made me feel safer
Than any arm that's ever been around me
Or any hand I've felt on my back that
Pushed me up or guided me along
Eyes like puddles of chemicals
That contained the ingredients that were
Able to neutralize the poison in mine
Traits that resembled calm seas of calamity,
Cool waters that sizzled on the firing coals
Of the volatile volcano whose unpredictable
Spouts controlled the swing of my mood
I tried so hard to tell myself that
Black and white together could make
A nice shade of grey and broken
Pieces of hearts with jagged ends
Could be put back together again and
White might just be the absence of color or
Maybe my colors completely faded and
Black might be all the colors put together
Or maybe all of your colors just stayed
Sep 29, 2015
Sep 29, 2015 at 8:05 PM UTC
you're the sparks of an electric wire not properly insulated
don't want to start a fire just can't relay the message
you're trying! halfway through the wire and then you're like this
unoccupied swing swaying despite the lack of wind
i guess someone was on this swing before but when will that ever really end
you're sparking like crazy but the electric signal never sends
they say "just try again!" and you swear
its really just that your fibers are beginning to tear
you just had to leave that tree stump in the middle of the parking lot
YOU JUST CAN'T move on without leaving a trace in that particular spot
you're moving forward, one step at a time!
you just keep tripping through this
fog so thick it's a never ending mine
you were on the other end of jumping before you realized time had ceased
what goes up must come down but what if you didn't mean to bend your knees
i'm in the back of your mind when your hands won't stop shaking and
your voice quivers when you're finally undertaking
the idea of waking that elephant in the room that fell asleep and is snoring
how was I really so boring?
but it's like that loaf of bread you watched so slowly rise
that you couldn't eat when you realized it was made of lies
you thought time would heal but it just buried your eyes
apply some heat, the mold will go away!
ignore your problems,
you CONTINUE TO SAY
don't pick up that
torn dollar bill laying on the sidewalk on the bad side of town!
no, don't you dare!
don't stop and look around
before too long you begin to identify with that old aged piano resonating in that empty house
and you're sewing the buttons back on my favorite blouse
you've changed your tune so much you can't even harmonize
hopefully you'll get this out before EVERYONE DIES
you wanted to be the one to rip the buttons off
but you waited so long you thought they were already gone
i knew what you were trying to say before your sparks didn't make it
let me be your insulation
Feb 21, 2015
Feb 21, 2015 at 10:53 PM UTC