emilymills - Hello Poetry

i'll never say it out loud but i'll write it down i miss your car late nights endless fights wanting to understand you more ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down as we miscommunicated wanting so badly to not i'm caught wishing i was her ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down i miss time with you it feels i've been lied to do i trust you? do i trust You? ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down

0

Oct 21, 2020

Oct 21, 2020 at 11:35 PM UTC

I'll Never Say it Out Loud

i'll never say it out loud but i'll write it down i miss your car late nights endless fights wanting to understand you more ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down as we miscommunicated wanting so badly to not i'm caught wishing i was her ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down i miss time with you it feels i've been lied to do i trust you? do i trust You? ill never say it out loud but i'll write it down

20

it scares me when i get this way my mind can shut off i block it all out and it suddenly feels like the real me no goofiness fills these bones no laughter in this soul just numb automatic hardship it's like i've been through something my souls been trying to come to terms with the last 22 years it's like i've been trying to scream yet when i sit and think my mind can't stop my mouth can't speak my words are weak i'll laugh it off giggly me that's who they know she's who i'll be

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Sep 8, 2020

Sep 8, 2020 at 1:43 PM UTC

She's Who I'll Be

it scares me when i get this way my mind can shut off i block it all out and it suddenly feels like the real me no goofiness fills these bones no laughter in this soul just numb automatic hardship it's like i've been through something my souls been trying to come to terms with the last 22 years it's like i've been trying to scream yet when i sit and think my mind can't stop my mouth can't speak my words are weak i'll laugh it off giggly me that's who they know she's who i'll be

18

i heard her cries from the kitchen like someone had died she's screaming just to scream my bones begin to shake this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too during fights she'd kick him out i begged him not to go "she scares me when she's drunk" i whisper so she doesn't scream he leaves this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too she's day drinking passed out when i'd get home 800 miles away i'd call him asking for his help, when i knew he couldn't my sophomore year shot after shot i can hold my liquor well i don't care what it takes to be numb, i think he can tell now i'm high every night giggling in the back of jake's jeep i never go home anymore she calls me again & again i begin to lie well i steal her money, clothes, and change my grades i'm desperate to escape this place they all call home this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too stayed the night with jake she's not calling me anymore oh i think she's given up i can feel him doing the same This is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too my roommate's a christian **** i can't cuss slept in patrick's room she’s asking where I was i went to church that sunday i watched them raise their hands they're so in love with You what do i have to do? all my friends are christians they’re calling You their friend they're saying i can know you i’m scared to love again this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too but now she calls you Father and my heart's completely dropped chills running down my spine I hear you yell “you’re Mine” this is what love does to you You’ve chosen me as i am consistent in Your pursuit i’ve fallen madly in love they think i’m crazy this is what love does to you

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Nov 11, 2019

Nov 11, 2019 at 1:13 AM UTC

you're Mine

i heard her cries from the kitchen like someone had died she's screaming just to scream my bones begin to shake this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too during fights she'd kick him out i begged him not to go "she scares me when she's drunk" i whisper so she doesn't scream he leaves this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too she's day drinking passed out when i'd get home 800 miles away i'd call him asking for his help, when i knew he couldn't my sophomore year shot after shot i can hold my liquor well i don't care what it takes to be numb, i think he can tell now i'm high every night giggling in the back of jake's jeep i never go home anymore she calls me again & again i begin to lie well i steal her money, clothes, and change my grades i'm desperate to escape this place they all call home this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too stayed the night with jake she's not calling me anymore oh i think she's given up i can feel him doing the same This is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too my roommate's a christian **** i can't cuss slept in patrick's room she’s asking where I was i went to church that sunday i watched them raise their hands they're so in love with You what do i have to do? all my friends are christians they’re calling You their friend they're saying i can know you i’m scared to love again this is what love does to you You saw me then You loved me too but now she calls you Father and my heart's completely dropped chills running down my spine I hear you yell “you’re Mine” this is what love does to you You’ve chosen me as i am consistent in Your pursuit i’ve fallen madly in love they think i’m crazy this is what love does to you

67

to my anxious bones that don't trust You and who You are and all You do I apologize to my heart that pounds anytime I go to where I know You have called me I apologize to my shaking fingers that rattle back and forth as You speak through me I apologize I am sorry for my heart that doubts and pounds and allows the weight of feelings to effect my obedience to You I know you have already forgiven me, but still

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Sep 5, 2019

Sep 5, 2019 at 6:38 PM UTC

I Want to Trust You

to my anxious bones that don't trust You and who You are and all You do I apologize to my heart that pounds anytime I go to where I know You have called me I apologize to my shaking fingers that rattle back and forth as You speak through me I apologize I am sorry for my heart that doubts and pounds and allows the weight of feelings to effect my obedience to You I know you have already forgiven me, but still

10

my heart feels lonelier more often my bones rattle far too much my words have lost their touch oh Jesus be Lord in my heart i'm falling asleep at eight pm waking up at seven nothing feels the same, oh Jesus be Lord in my heart did i try to grow up too fast i'm falling asleep to the thoughts of my past i miss it all too much oh Jesus be Lord in my heart did i hear you wrong? should i not have gone? oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

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Oct 14, 2018

Oct 14, 2018 at 12:49 AM UTC

Eugene, Oregon

my heart feels lonelier more often my bones rattle far too much my words have lost their touch oh Jesus be Lord in my heart i'm falling asleep at eight pm waking up at seven nothing feels the same, oh Jesus be Lord in my heart did i try to grow up too fast i'm falling asleep to the thoughts of my past i miss it all too much oh Jesus be Lord in my heart did i hear you wrong? should i not have gone? oh Jesus be Lord in my heart

15

there's no going back to the person you once were or the stranger she's now become to the life of the party- the girl who loved her coke & *** there's no going back to the life that you once had your heart begins to pound as you face your life- back within this town you hug the girls who got you drunk and you wish some nights "what if it was just one shot" and that alone is all you've fought that alone is just enough to make your feet tremble as you sprint to the Lord because the temptation hurts your body still as the devil works And he makes your mind do horrific things He makes you wonder why you believe and why do you live the way you do and what if you did it in secret and no one knew but there's no going back to that person you once were there's no going back because she's been made new, & you're no longer her

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Dec 20, 2017

Dec 20, 2017 at 8:34 PM UTC

Made New

there's no going back to the person you once were or the stranger she's now become to the life of the party- the girl who loved her coke & *** there's no going back to the life that you once had your heart begins to pound as you face your life- back within this town you hug the girls who got you drunk and you wish some nights "what if it was just one shot" and that alone is all you've fought that alone is just enough to make your feet tremble as you sprint to the Lord because the temptation hurts your body still as the devil works And he makes your mind do horrific things He makes you wonder why you believe and why do you live the way you do and what if you did it in secret and no one knew but there's no going back to that person you once were there's no going back because she's been made new, & you're no longer her

24

I can't write anymore It's been months since my last poem and my fingers cannot tell you why this writing has left my heart my eyes begin to cry As I fail with every word every letter just fills up this space my words have become meaningless I seemed to have lost my taste Although the passion still sets within as I type I shake beneath my skin My hands tremble getting it out I lean in as if I ought to shout My body rocks back and forth I want to write the same My fingers tap the keys the touch has completely changed I can't write anymore

0

Nov 12, 2016

Nov 12, 2016 at 4:37 PM UTC

Untitled

I can't write anymore It's been months since my last poem and my fingers cannot tell you why this writing has left my heart my eyes begin to cry As I fail with every word every letter just fills up this space my words have become meaningless I seemed to have lost my taste Although the passion still sets within as I type I shake beneath my skin My hands tremble getting it out I lean in as if I ought to shout My body rocks back and forth I want to write the same My fingers tap the keys the touch has completely changed I can't write anymore

18

A me that doesn't involve you A person with no thoughts A person full of shots ***** *** and gin Consumption of feelings for a person that never could begin A person with a mind That you could never relate A person with beliefs bigger than our fate A person Something you may never know Because you fooled me into thinking you cared I didn't think you'd ever go But now that you have, I thank you for leaving how you did Leaving me with endless thoughts I always knew you were childish but you've proven you're still just a kid A kid who made me change Into a me I never again would want to be I sit here A me, that doesn't involve you For now it is different, but soon, I will be happy too

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Apr 8, 2016

Apr 8, 2016 at 3:39 AM UTC

Untitled

A me that doesn't involve you A person with no thoughts A person full of shots ***** *** and gin Consumption of feelings for a person that never could begin A person with a mind That you could never relate A person with beliefs bigger than our fate A person Something you may never know Because you fooled me into thinking you cared I didn't think you'd ever go But now that you have, I thank you for leaving how you did Leaving me with endless thoughts I always knew you were childish but you've proven you're still just a kid A kid who made me change Into a me I never again would want to be I sit here A me, that doesn't involve you For now it is different, but soon, I will be happy too

24

I see you standing in the corner, head down as if you're full of shame Hours have gone by of you standing on your phone, wondering who's minutes are worth more than your own I watch as you speak to only the people you know, you post about travel although you have no where to go You talk about adventure and I love it when you do Although you've not once yet shown a non- judgmental side of you Adventure is not about money and pictures to post at night Adventure is about the different smells and the "too pretty for a picture" kind of sight You talk about this person you are, but I think it's who you want to be I pray every night for the happy boy you are soon to be, selfishly I pray you keep me around so I too can someday see

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Mar 29, 2016

Mar 29, 2016 at 4:42 PM UTC

Sad boy

I see you standing in the corner, head down as if you're full of shame Hours have gone by of you standing on your phone, wondering who's minutes are worth more than your own I watch as you speak to only the people you know, you post about travel although you have no where to go You talk about adventure and I love it when you do Although you've not once yet shown a non- judgmental side of you Adventure is not about money and pictures to post at night Adventure is about the different smells and the "too pretty for a picture" kind of sight You talk about this person you are, but I think it's who you want to be I pray every night for the happy boy you are soon to be, selfishly I pray you keep me around so I too can someday see

10

Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all It's second semester of my senior year and I find myself wondering where the time has gone. I'm only 17 years old although I remain in this exact spot- the spot of wonders. Wonders on where I'll be this time next year- also ten. Wonders on who I'll go to prom with or where I'll travel next. Wondering what my dad's been up to- we haven't been talking much, why? I wonder about my best friend and the secret he's holding inside, I wonder if he needs help, I wonder what's making him so sad. I wonder if I could tell you every person that I've met; first name and last- then pick who's stuck around. I wonder all these thoughts- then I get a little lost. Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all Because I question my religion at times, and what happens when we die? Will this all just be forgotten- or do we become angels in the sky? Will I grow up to be a writer, will I meet my husband soon? Is he someone I've already met? Thoughts like these are always running through my head. Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience the feel of it all A year from now we will be settled into our dorms- finishing up our first semester of our freshman year as college students. Will I be cheating my way through classes or finding my own help? Will I be filling up my nights with people whose names will be forgotten by Saturday? Or Sunday breakfasts with someone I love. Will I even still be around? Will my sisters be there to talk? Will I even have a child, or a marriage that will last. Will I do what I've always done- reminiscing on the past. Wishing I could go back- it's something I've always done. Wishing I could change, who ever wrote these rules' is no fun. Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience it all Help me understand if I'm living my life wrong. Am I passing the time too fast? Is it the fact that I look at future time as if it's already passed? I've prayed for help to change my habits- praying for some answers. I pray and pray and pray- although I'm still just left with these wonders.

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Jan 29, 2016

Jan 29, 2016 at 2:20 AM UTC

Going Through the Motions

Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all It's second semester of my senior year and I find myself wondering where the time has gone. I'm only 17 years old although I remain in this exact spot- the spot of wonders. Wonders on where I'll be this time next year- also ten. Wonders on who I'll go to prom with or where I'll travel next. Wondering what my dad's been up to- we haven't been talking much, why? I wonder about my best friend and the secret he's holding inside, I wonder if he needs help, I wonder what's making him so sad. I wonder if I could tell you every person that I've met; first name and last- then pick who's stuck around. I wonder all these thoughts- then I get a little lost. Everything's changing before I had a chance to experience the feel of it all Because I question my religion at times, and what happens when we die? Will this all just be forgotten- or do we become angels in the sky? Will I grow up to be a writer, will I meet my husband soon? Is he someone I've already met? Thoughts like these are always running through my head. Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience the feel of it all A year from now we will be settled into our dorms- finishing up our first semester of our freshman year as college students. Will I be cheating my way through classes or finding my own help? Will I be filling up my nights with people whose names will be forgotten by Saturday? Or Sunday breakfasts with someone I love. Will I even still be around? Will my sisters be there to talk? Will I even have a child, or a marriage that will last. Will I do what I've always done- reminiscing on the past. Wishing I could go back- it's something I've always done. Wishing I could change, who ever wrote these rules' is no fun. Everything's changing before I had the chance to experience it all Help me understand if I'm living my life wrong. Am I passing the time too fast? Is it the fact that I look at future time as if it's already passed? I've prayed for help to change my habits- praying for some answers. I pray and pray and pray- although I'm still just left with these wonders.

8