Being sober *****
Being high *****
But there’s some moments, very minuscule moments that hit the sweet spot
The good news is that these sweet spots reside in sobriety
The bad news is also the good news
But really where is the ******* balance?
Is there even a balance?
Is there a reality for me where I can find happiness in sobriety?
Because frankly, I want the best of both worlds.
And yeah, maybe I might be naïve...
Maybe one day I might find sobriety.
Oct 31, 2020
Oct 31, 2020 at 6:01 AM UTC
Have you ever been so anxious your body is frozen yet running a million miles?
Have you ever been so anxious you can feel your heart pounding through your sternum?
Do you remember that feeling of anxiety the first and last time you involuntary participated?
Because the worst pain, is believing you remember the feeling the first time; the last is so much worse.
The renewal. The ritual. The regression.
The process in which one is broken; the ritual.
Becoming healed; the renewal.
Then torn apart worse than before; the regression.
Do you cope with unhealthy habits?
Do you taste your moonshine alone?
Do you become destructive and deadly towards yourself or others?
This part of you is ingrained.
This is you.
This was always you...
The renewal. The ritual. And the regression.
Jul 9, 2019
Jul 9, 2019 at 3:11 AM UTC
I want to be good enough. I know I am already, but that doesn’t stop this everlasting feeling of not being enough. I’ve never been more sure in my life time of my commitment to this truth. I know I can be the one. I know I can be the best for you and for me. Maybe I already am. But I don’t feel good enough, I’m not satisfied. These dark roots grow inside of me and cannot be pulled by hands. These roots are veins, these roots are me and there is no removing myself from me without the consequence of someone else. I am indecisive. I am sparstic. I am inconsistent. But I am always loving, I am always able to love you unconditionally, I am always going to give you my head and heart. Because this is me. This is who I am. And I am enough. Now I just focus on the feeling of being enough.
Mar 27, 2019
Mar 27, 2019 at 4:04 AM UTC
Stop reading me like paper. I feel uncomfortable and weak when you pick me up like a book. Stop pointing out my ticks and minor twitches. They arent for your eyes.
Stop digging deeper than everyone else, I’ve hidden myself deeper than an unknown sea. I’m not any treasure. Not a pearl or red ruby. But rather a cold stone, leave me be. Let me thrive alone.
Jul 31, 2018
Jul 31, 2018 at 1:33 AM UTC
I feel trapped in my own skin. And even though there are a plentiful amount of rips at the surface I can’t seem to scratch through. It seems like I fell into a hole where there is one way in and out. My problem. Is that I can’t seem to climb out. Although I’m stuck in this hole I have many friends. Anxiety, depression, pain. Sometimes guilt chimes into the conversations I carry out with everyone else. Anxiety swallows my attention from time to time while depression sticks by my side like a leech on an animal. Never letting go, never moving on. Pain only listens and slithers an opinion when anxiety speaks up. While guilt seems to be alone most of the time; she speaks through depression who lives by my side when she feels the need to say something important. I can’t silence my friends anymore. Truth be told, I enjoy their company now. At first I believed they were liars. But after getting to know everyone better. I realize that there really isn’t a way out of the hole. And nobody will ever reach down far enough to pull me out. Because I am stuck. Because I no longer want to be pulled out.
Jul 31, 2018
Jul 31, 2018 at 1:31 AM UTC
My hands wrap around the end of my sleeves, cutting off the chilling air; avoiding hypothermia. Although, my finger is curious to feel frost. Slowly, it creeps to the tip of my sleeve. Thankfully the slight chill warns me. Any further and I would have been bitten. For frost bites.
My legs are locked like lifeless rocks at the bottom of an ocean. The tear I shed from my eye is crisp and cold on my swollen face. In front of me are frozen foot steps pacing in past on the asphalt street. A roadside light gleams down thirty paces away. The wind is silent. The street is clear.
In fact, all that speaks is my mind. Body as motionless as the dead, yet my lungs still fill with air and my heart continues to pump blood through my veins. I am heavy in thought; heavy in feeling. I can't seem to move my motionless limbs. I rather fall to the bitter pavement and let my dreams abduct me in rest. For I am tired. I am weak. And I am heavy.
Feb 5, 2018
Feb 5, 2018 at 3:39 PM UTC
You. You gave me these demons, and this poisoned blood that runs through my ******* veins. Before I had a choice in the matter you ****** my life. Because of you I am broken. Because of you I am fighting for air at the bottom of what seems to be a bottomless ocean.
Before I could breathe, you started drowning me in chemicals I couldn’t resist. When I was born my lungs breathed the cigarette smoke you blew and the cruel words you spilled. Because of you, I am dead on the inside and still trying to find a ******* way out.
Because of you I cried myself to sleep and slit my wrists over and over and over for so many years it could be someone’s entire lifetime. Because of you, and your influence on me – I am the person I am. Yet I'm not terrible.
Because of you, I know how to become something better. Because of you I can run face first down the right path rather than following yours. Because of you ill give my baby nutrients and life, rather than chemicals and a cynically written poem about how you destroyed mine before I got the chance to construct and create my own.
Oct 17, 2017
Oct 17, 2017 at 1:06 PM UTC
Have you ever felt like a shell? As in, your physical skin is a shell. Something you could so easily shed off, like a snake. Or a nimble insect. Yet you cant. And with this feeling - you carry locks, and lock pads and heavy weights. You are forced to see the world around you through the light of your eyes no matter how hard you wish escaping into your dreams was a reality. You are trapped. Trapped in your thoughts... And in your skin.
Sep 21, 2017
Sep 21, 2017 at 2:52 AM UTC