ellyn-k-thaiden - Hello Poetry

I don't want to die I just want enough cash to survive. I just want food on the table, Clothes on our backs, And a handful of of happy memories I don't want to die I just want life to be simple, I just want to run away from my problems, I just want I just want I just want I just want to I don't want to die I want to not feel selfish. I just want to take a breath. To not feel the guilt creep in, Every time I watch Netflix or Disney. Every time I try to get a good deal at Walmart or Amazon, When I buy a burger, Buy a shirt, Buy a vacuum, Buy water that I'm helping a company further dig it's talons into our soil, our souls, Our morales trying to take refuge somewhere not in reality Because this reality can't sustain A healthy mind And a healthy wallet At the same time I don't want to die My mind won't stop screaming. The mind never quiets, Never pauses, Never takes respite. I have locked eyes with something, I'm not sure what yet. It waits patiently, though, At the edge of my vision. It feels like I can't breathe, I can't breathe, "Please, bend the knee, Get off of me!" I don't want to die Gaza is being bombed Mother's cry out for their children Father's carry theirs in grocery sacks The people have been cut of from water, food, electricity, internet I don't want to die But sometimes it feels endless, Feels like I'll never get my peace, It feels like I'm carving out a place in the world that rejects me at every turn. An endless fight, rolling the stone uphill. And yet, I try. I don't want to die. I want to keep trying. I want to keep moving, Keep making noise We need to keep making noise, Now is the time that we resist Now is the time that we fight back They can't keep us in the dark anymore We are seeing the light Post by post Video by video Lived experience, parasocial relationships, live footage We are watching the horror around the world As a collective We can be so much more than individuals, we can rise up As a collective I don't want to die Sometimes it might feel like I want to die But I promise, it's not a permanent feeling We can channel our anguish into passion Our passion into words Our words into action We have the power of transmutation We can decide where our story goes I don't want to die I want to fight

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Nov 10, 2023

Nov 10, 2023 at 6:07 PM UTC

I Don't Want To Die

79

I'm always searching for peace Some sort of resolve to chapters That never received a clear cut ending Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start Viscously attempting to make sense of it all Filling in the blanks with timid words Guessing at how it was supposed to end I want to be angry I want to leave everyone behind Go where no one knows my name Where guilt and shame aren't forced on me Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe To break apart from your past self To find inner peace I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone With their whole heart To be their first choice I wonder what that looks like To be loved with no expectations Trusting someone so deeply I wonder what it feels like to be held By someone who could never imagine Letting you get away I wonder a lot of things There's a shadow looming over Breathing down my neck It won't let me forget It forces me to remember I don't want to remember I just want my story to end

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May 6, 2021

May 6, 2021 at 4:07 AM UTC

Final Chapter

I'm always searching for peace Some sort of resolve to chapters That never received a clear cut ending Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start Viscously attempting to make sense of it all Filling in the blanks with timid words Guessing at how it was supposed to end I want to be angry I want to leave everyone behind Go where no one knows my name Where guilt and shame aren't forced on me Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe To break apart from your past self To find inner peace I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone With their whole heart To be their first choice I wonder what that looks like To be loved with no expectations Trusting someone so deeply I wonder what it feels like to be held By someone who could never imagine Letting you get away I wonder a lot of things There's a shadow looming over Breathing down my neck It won't let me forget It forces me to remember I don't want to remember I just want my story to end

31

I've become such a people pleaser. I'll do anything to make people that I love not leave me. Everyone leaves me. Isn't that funny? And as I please and I please, little bites of me are taken. With ever slice into my flesh I finally become useful, like they said I could be. Isn't this hysterical? After so many years of keeping quiet. So many times being told that you're looking for attention, because you're "just not that interesting". After no one hearing you, you just stopped taking all together. Are you laughing yet? There are things I thought I had locked away, I thought could never get through the walls of my heart. These memories bombard their way up my throat and straight to my eyes. Now it's all I see. All I hear. All I feel. Those hands and heavy breathing. The creek of the wooden stairs. How cold my skin went. How I would just lay there and stay silent. It's just ******* hilarious? It's so hilarious I forgot to laugh.

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May 31, 2020

May 31, 2020 at 11:37 AM UTC

Can I Tell You a Joke? (A prose of sorts)

I've become such a people pleaser. I'll do anything to make people that I love not leave me. Everyone leaves me. Isn't that funny? And as I please and I please, little bites of me are taken. With ever slice into my flesh I finally become useful, like they said I could be. Isn't this hysterical? After so many years of keeping quiet. So many times being told that you're looking for attention, because you're "just not that interesting". After no one hearing you, you just stopped taking all together. Are you laughing yet? There are things I thought I had locked away, I thought could never get through the walls of my heart. These memories bombard their way up my throat and straight to my eyes. Now it's all I see. All I hear. All I feel. Those hands and heavy breathing. The creek of the wooden stairs. How cold my skin went. How I would just lay there and stay silent. It's just ******* hilarious? It's so hilarious I forgot to laugh.

5

I had never felt such a way, Until I met you You cracked me apart and Made me into something new Your eyes, your lips The way your fingers danced When you played me piano, Placed me in a tranced Little did I know that Was your siren song Luring me into your arms As I followed along But now we've grown older Then we drifted far apart If only I could go back in time And stop it from the start Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night Wishing I could make us feel right Forcing myself to see the light Instead what I feel is contrite Instead I feel my airways, so tight My brain is toxic, so let it ignite Burn every bridge I ever built Set it ablaze and walk away Let the fire consume me and Turn to ash what I cannot say When we first crossed paths There was a moment I was sure That you would be my forever That our love was pure But then you cracked me open I was raw and exposed Slowly I lost myself I started to necrose I was holding myself together Using glue that didn't stick When you decided to attack me again With your ***** tricks You said you had met them And that you loved them so So quickly you gave up on us So quickly you did forgo When you left me, you left scars Scars I'm afraid to show And now you're talking about them Your new lovers and how You had never felt such a way, Until you met them

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Dec 30, 2019

Dec 30, 2019 at 12:46 PM UTC

Until I Met You

I had never felt such a way, Until I met you You cracked me apart and Made me into something new Your eyes, your lips The way your fingers danced When you played me piano, Placed me in a tranced Little did I know that Was your siren song Luring me into your arms As I followed along But now we've grown older Then we drifted far apart If only I could go back in time And stop it from the start Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night Wishing I could make us feel right Forcing myself to see the light Instead what I feel is contrite Instead I feel my airways, so tight My brain is toxic, so let it ignite Burn every bridge I ever built Set it ablaze and walk away Let the fire consume me and Turn to ash what I cannot say When we first crossed paths There was a moment I was sure That you would be my forever That our love was pure But then you cracked me open I was raw and exposed Slowly I lost myself I started to necrose I was holding myself together Using glue that didn't stick When you decided to attack me again With your ***** tricks You said you had met them And that you loved them so So quickly you gave up on us So quickly you did forgo When you left me, you left scars Scars I'm afraid to show And now you're talking about them Your new lovers and how You had never felt such a way, Until you met them

48

Why are we here? How did we get here? Where do we go from here? When did you stop loving me? Was it a year ago? Two? Was is more than that? When did the feelings start to fade? What did I do for you to stop caring? The thing is I feel like you think I'm terrible I'm walking garbage You left me like I was What did you see in me In the first place? Why did you even choose me In the first place? Was it slow? Was it some specific action? I tried to be there for you I tried to help But you never let me in You never let me help Even when you were vulnerable You were still closed up I feel like I never knew you I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore I'm not the same person I'm different, things have changed They will never go back to What they were But I have this sick fantasy Made up in my head That you'll call me at 3 a.m. Voice shaking and heart aching You'll take everything back You'll say sorry and want me again Want me like how I want you I can't talk to anyone The way I can talk to you I can't sit in silence with anyone The way silence feels comfortable with you No one feels like you My heart is empty I've been doing stupid things Letting stupid things happen Just so I can feel something Anything at all But everything is numb It feels like I'm in a play I'm a guest star in my own life I'm sleep walking on set I'm a robot, performing basic functions I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings Nothing feels real anymore No where feels like home No one feels like home I don't know what to do or where to go I am stuck in a place I'm not even sure where it is anymore I can't stop rambling Filling this empty space Nothing fills this empty space My heart still aches Everyone feels like a stranger No where is home I just want to die Because then the pain would be over At least I wouldn't feel empty I just wouldn't exist anymore That's better than this empty I feel I can't go back I don't think I deserve to go back I don't deserve a lot of things I don't deserve a lot of people I don't deserve to be here They don't deserve someone As empty as me As cold and harsh as me Everyone is pretending to like me My own lover hates the way I look My own family tolerates me That's why I can't leave If I were to leave What would I do? Where would I go? I'm trapped I'm trapped in this empty shell I'm trapped in my own head I'm trapped in this relationship I'm so tired

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Sep 2, 2019

Sep 2, 2019 at 7:45 AM UTC

Vacant

Why are we here? How did we get here? Where do we go from here? When did you stop loving me? Was it a year ago? Two? Was is more than that? When did the feelings start to fade? What did I do for you to stop caring? The thing is I feel like you think I'm terrible I'm walking garbage You left me like I was What did you see in me In the first place? Why did you even choose me In the first place? Was it slow? Was it some specific action? I tried to be there for you I tried to help But you never let me in You never let me help Even when you were vulnerable You were still closed up I feel like I never knew you I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore I'm not the same person I'm different, things have changed They will never go back to What they were But I have this sick fantasy Made up in my head That you'll call me at 3 a.m. Voice shaking and heart aching You'll take everything back You'll say sorry and want me again Want me like how I want you I can't talk to anyone The way I can talk to you I can't sit in silence with anyone The way silence feels comfortable with you No one feels like you My heart is empty I've been doing stupid things Letting stupid things happen Just so I can feel something Anything at all But everything is numb It feels like I'm in a play I'm a guest star in my own life I'm sleep walking on set I'm a robot, performing basic functions I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings Nothing feels real anymore No where feels like home No one feels like home I don't know what to do or where to go I am stuck in a place I'm not even sure where it is anymore I can't stop rambling Filling this empty space Nothing fills this empty space My heart still aches Everyone feels like a stranger No where is home I just want to die Because then the pain would be over At least I wouldn't feel empty I just wouldn't exist anymore That's better than this empty I feel I can't go back I don't think I deserve to go back I don't deserve a lot of things I don't deserve a lot of people I don't deserve to be here They don't deserve someone As empty as me As cold and harsh as me Everyone is pretending to like me My own lover hates the way I look My own family tolerates me That's why I can't leave If I were to leave What would I do? Where would I go? I'm trapped I'm trapped in this empty shell I'm trapped in my own head I'm trapped in this relationship I'm so tired

90

Sometimes I still wait for you To walk through the door from work And sometimes I still feel Your arms around me, embracing me Sometimes I still hear you That laugh Always contagious Always filling up a room Sometimes I still miss you My heart aches And emotions are still raw Sometimes I wish you were here Sometimes I still see you Where you shouldn't be anymore I should be okay I should be fine I should move on I should stop being angry Or sad or anything really Over someone who doesn't even think about me But here I am Still hearing you Still seeing you Still feeling you Still wishing you were here

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Sep 2, 2019

Sep 2, 2019 at 12:57 AM UTC

I Still See You

Sometimes I still wait for you To walk through the door from work And sometimes I still feel Your arms around me, embracing me Sometimes I still hear you That laugh Always contagious Always filling up a room Sometimes I still miss you My heart aches And emotions are still raw Sometimes I wish you were here Sometimes I still see you Where you shouldn't be anymore I should be okay I should be fine I should move on I should stop being angry Or sad or anything really Over someone who doesn't even think about me But here I am Still hearing you Still seeing you Still feeling you Still wishing you were here

25

My whole life I've been described as Hypervigilant Trauma after trauma I thought being an adult Would solve these problems I thought turning eighteen And leaving my home behind Would mean the end But growing up doesn't mean Bad things will suddenly Stop happening to you Growing up doesn't save you From these new monsters Under our beds Growing up doesn't mean That you're safe with the people You thought you were safe with Growing up just means you're At it completely And totally alone The people you look toward For comfort are the reason That you're running in the first place We are all born naked and alone And we will all pass away Naked and alone Fight for yourself Grow up for yourself Live for yourself Because in the end You're what matters the most You are all that's left

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Aug 26, 2019

Aug 26, 2019 at 3:02 AM UTC

Tense

My whole life I've been described as Hypervigilant Trauma after trauma I thought being an adult Would solve these problems I thought turning eighteen And leaving my home behind Would mean the end But growing up doesn't mean Bad things will suddenly Stop happening to you Growing up doesn't save you From these new monsters Under our beds Growing up doesn't mean That you're safe with the people You thought you were safe with Growing up just means you're At it completely And totally alone The people you look toward For comfort are the reason That you're running in the first place We are all born naked and alone And we will all pass away Naked and alone Fight for yourself Grow up for yourself Live for yourself Because in the end You're what matters the most You are all that's left

33

Some things have gotten Mush worse since you left Like how I can't stop the Voices in my head anymore My OCD is at its worse I can't stop counting numbers My anxiety won't leave me alone It tells me I shouldn't leave the house My parents wonder why I Don't visit as often My friends wonder why I would Rather stay home than go out My depression says to me "No one loves you" And my body feels like A ******* strangers I either eat too much Or nothing at all I don't sleep for days Or I don't leave the bed for hours But other things in my life Have improved since you've been gone Like I feel like I'm finally with Someone who can be honest with me I can finally write again I can draw I can read I can breathe You taught me how to love myself When you never even loved me You taught me how to respect Myself and live freely You showed me many different Points of view And how to open yourself up To the people who deserve it You taught me I need to respect myself And to not let others dictate How I feel Or how I live my life You taught me a lot Like that I don't need you To survive this life anymore I can walk on my own now Some things in my life feel like They are falling apart And slowly slipping from me Like oiled up hands grasping at the edge of the cliff But some things are slowly falling Back into place And maybe Just maybe I can live this life without you next to me Maybe I will be okay in the end Maybe I can find my way back to the light Just maybe my life can be mine again

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May 23, 2019

May 23, 2019 at 2:40 AM UTC

Life Lessons

Some things have gotten Mush worse since you left Like how I can't stop the Voices in my head anymore My OCD is at its worse I can't stop counting numbers My anxiety won't leave me alone It tells me I shouldn't leave the house My parents wonder why I Don't visit as often My friends wonder why I would Rather stay home than go out My depression says to me "No one loves you" And my body feels like A ******* strangers I either eat too much Or nothing at all I don't sleep for days Or I don't leave the bed for hours But other things in my life Have improved since you've been gone Like I feel like I'm finally with Someone who can be honest with me I can finally write again I can draw I can read I can breathe You taught me how to love myself When you never even loved me You taught me how to respect Myself and live freely You showed me many different Points of view And how to open yourself up To the people who deserve it You taught me I need to respect myself And to not let others dictate How I feel Or how I live my life You taught me a lot Like that I don't need you To survive this life anymore I can walk on my own now Some things in my life feel like They are falling apart And slowly slipping from me Like oiled up hands grasping at the edge of the cliff But some things are slowly falling Back into place And maybe Just maybe I can live this life without you next to me Maybe I will be okay in the end Maybe I can find my way back to the light Just maybe my life can be mine again

56

I'm pro people being people being polyamorous, but if you use that as an excuse to just see other people and string your partner along and you are just keeping said original partner around just to boost ya own ego, you're a piece of ****

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May 13, 2019

May 13, 2019 at 8:12 AM UTC

PSA

I'm pro people being people being polyamorous, but if you use that as an excuse to just see other people and string your partner along and you are just keeping said original partner around just to boost ya own ego, you're a piece of ****

1

you'll be my star I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black and you sow off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you Find another galaxy Far From here With more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by If you'll be my boat I'll be your sea A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity Ebbing And flowing And pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free But you can set sail to the west if you want to And pass the horizon 'Till I can't even see you Far from here Where the beaches are wide Just leave me your wake to remember you by If you'll be my star I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black And you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you find another galaxy Far from here With more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by Stardust To remember you by

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May 13, 2019

May 13, 2019 at 7:21 AM UTC

Boats & Birds (Not Mine, Lyrics)

you'll be my star I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black and you sow off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you Find another galaxy Far From here With more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by If you'll be my boat I'll be your sea A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity Ebbing And flowing And pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free But you can set sail to the west if you want to And pass the horizon 'Till I can't even see you Far from here Where the beaches are wide Just leave me your wake to remember you by If you'll be my star I'll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black And you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you find another galaxy Far from here With more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by Stardust To remember you by

41